Ten Months and Counting

 

A friend sent this to me today.  I started reading it, and thought, "I'm not in the place she thinks I am anymore," but then, I kept reading. 

And I thought, "Wow; now I know why she sent it."

I choose to remember the positives from being left.  I choose to remember the positives from being in a relationship with a broken individual.  I choose to remember not everyone knows how to commit and love at a deeper level.  I choose to remember not everyone can love unconditionally, stay through rough patches or ill health, or be in it for the long run.

I choose to remember and embrace the gifts given to me by traveling this hard road.  God has been more than good to me.  This is my story...

I choose to remember you

Not by how you hurt me

But by how you taught me to heal

Not by how you left me

But by how you taught me to never abandon myself

Not by how you broke me

But by how you taught me to rebuild myself

Not by how you dimmed my light

But by how you helped me to shine

Not by how you kept me trapped in a place of comfort

But by how you empowered me to leave my comfort zone

Not by how you left me feeling weak

But by how you taught me what it means to be strong

Not by how you tried to control me

But by how you taught me to be free

Not by who you told me who I was

But by how you taught me to define myself

And above all

I choose to remember you

Not by how you were unable to love me

But by how you taught me

To love myself.

No matter where you are in your brokenness, choose to remember the things you were taught. Choose to remember the doors God opened. Choose to remember you survived!

I never thought I'd be fully healed and restored at ten months past David leaving our family. But here I am. New opportunities, new friends, new roads to travel. The hurt inflicted will not define me. The abandonment will not cripple me. The rejection will not define me.

I am a child of God, and I will embrace all that He bestows upon me. I hope the poem above will inspire you, like it did me, for the times of brokenness you may be traveling through.

God is good, and He will rescue you, protect you, and revive you! Happy Tuesday my friends!

Nine Months After - Moving Forward with Joy

 

Nine months.

How did I ever get to NINE MONTHS post heartbreak?

Well, for one - it wasn't easy.  There were days (and if I'm being honest, a few weeks) I couldn't get out of bed because of the depression and accompanying thoughts swirling around in my heart and head. It was HARD.  I wasn't sure I was going to make it some days.  But I kept going and pressing through those dark days.

Second - my little prayer rug.  I shared my prayer rug on my Instagram account during this time.  I made a home altar - a dedicated space to go prostrate before the Lord with those ugly cries, questions, and even demands.  It was so reassuring to have a space I could run to when I needed to pour out all my anguish to God.

Third - Plugging in.  God opened doors for me.  I got a paid position at my church, which - in turn, led me to meeting my core group of church friends - who provide so much wisdom to me on a weekly (and sometimes daily [thank you Jacque]) basis. I also joined a women's Bible Study at my church, which provided me with a group of ladies I could stand beside and be amazed at each week - their strength, character, and most of all their TALENT just inspired me each week (and still does today).

If I can emerge with beautiful, God-placed scars, you can too.

I read my daily devotional this morning, and it was so powerful and moving to me that I am going to share it in its entirety this am.  This is a great study on YouVersion.  I want to encourage you to do the plan if you are struggling with heartbreak in your life.

My prayer for myself and each of you reading this right now is that we will all reach the shores of Heaven happy, healthy, and whole.  (I'm not sure there is any other way to arrive on the shores of Heaven.) God knows you intimately.  God is watching; He is listening.  He loves you more than you could ever imagine.  If you haven't given your heart to Jesus, today - right now - is the perfect opportunity to come to know Jesus in a personal relationship.  He is waiting.  

Let Him take the hurt away.  Let Him heal you.  It IS possible!

I love you.  May your Sunday be richly blessed...

* * * * * *

Moving Forward

Let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus… Hebrews 12:1-2 ESV

Imagine you’re running a race with a heavy backpack slung over your shoulders. Performing well in that race would probably be difficult and painful. 

Similarly, when you hold onto heartbreak for too long—it weighs you down and prevents you from moving toward what God has called you to do. 

It’s not wrong to be heartbroken for a time, but the Bible warns us not to let it overstay its welcome: 

There is an occasion for everything, and a time for every activity under heaven … a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:1&4 CSB

There’s a time to hurt, but moving on is necessary for our well-being. It can be challenging, but God has given us several approaches for moving forward:

1. Focus on What’s Good

…Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Philippians 4:8 NLT

One way to approach moving on is to focus on the good. When you make more room for good thoughts, the less room there is for hurtful ones. Challenge yourself to battle negative thoughts or hurtful memories by thanking God for the blessings in your life. 

2. Look Forward

Forget the former things;

do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Isaiah 43:18-19 NIV

Unfortunately, what happened in the past will always be there, and we can’t change what’s happened to us. With God’s help though, we can start to move forward from what we’ve lost and focus instead on the healing He wants to bring. If we focus on what He’s doing, we have an opportunity to partner with Him and be a part of the good things He has planned. 

3. Rejoice 

We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope… Romans 5:3-4 CSB

Moving on gives us a unique opportunity to rejoice—not because we experienced pain, but because we’ve been given a chance to learn. A heartbreaking situation can be one of our most intimate times with God, and when we spend time with God, we learn from Him. We rejoice because with God, we come out of heartbreak with more wisdom. 

Healing is a process, but as we move forward from our past hurt, we can count on God being there every step of the way. 

Pray: 

God, thank You for being near me during my heartbreak, and for helping me bind up my wounds. As I move forward, help me to focus on Your love for me, Your love for others, and the goodness of Your will. In Jesus’ name, Amen. 

Eight Months - Now What?

 

Yesterday marked eight months since my life took a sudden, unforeseen detour.

I could not have imagined what happened, happened.  But it did.  And here I am today.

As life changed and I began to adjust to my new normal, God began to work.

He began to work through my darkest days; He began to work through the lighter days; He began to heal.  He began to open new work opportunities at my church.  He introduced me to new people I can't imagine not interacting with these days.  He brought new interests into my life.

To say God is (only) good would be a huge understatement.

I wondered what eight months would look like.  It's not what I imagined.

Right now, I am working a summer schedule at work - 4, 10-hour days each week.  It is a little tiring at best.  Combined with my Tuesday and Wednesday night schedules, it becomes exhausting.

Last night was rough.  As I continue to traverse through these first 12 months, full of new beginnings and traditions, I continue to struggle.  I know it's a healthy journey.  My Counselor has reaffirmed my mental and emotional health over and over again. But yet - each new event I must work through puts me through the ringer.

Just this weekend, we had our family's annual Memorial Day gathering at the lake.  It's always a larger gathering for all family and friends before the smaller gatherings continue to occur the rest of the season.  I brought a friend, but it was hard thinking back to the Memorial Day and summer season of the year before.  Personalities were different.  Energy levels were different.  It was just different.

And yet, I knew I had to traverse through it.  One more milestone in this 12-month journey into a new life and new beginnings.

I laid in bed last night praying.  Asking God to remove the very last vestiges of David from my heart, my soul.  The anchor (as I described it to one of my best friends over dinner last week) that binds me to him.

I am tired of remembering the intimate bond we shared.  You know the kind.  Those bonds you obtain only after years together with someone.  I want to, instead, remember the times he belittled me at the end - said he was so much happier without me; the time he said I was a mean and terrible person; the time he left me crying and crumbled in a heap beside my car in an empty after-church parking lot.

I want to remember that David is the Adult Child of an Alcoholic ("ACOA").  That he was sick the entire time we were together, bouncing back and forth between my house to his Mother's home.  I want to remember that he couldn't move out of the basement.  That he, in the end, choose to leave our family vacation to head back to Dahlonega for family night ("It was family night; what was I supposed to do?" he screamed at me in the church parking lot.) I want to remember, as my Counselor says, "The relationship was never healthy.  He was always unable to choose you and living an independent life apart from his Parents. There is no way you could have saved or changed him.  Until God reveals his sickness to him and he seeks true help, he will continue on as he is living.  You must release him and your thinking that you could have helped him."

God granted me the peace I sought last night, as my exhausted inner self lied down to sleep.  I woke up this morning praying this short prayer, "God, thank you for your sweet peace last night. Thank you for new life entering my world, but please continue to work through my mind and heart, not only erasing - but removing all memories and feelings for David."  I need the memories, feelings, and anchor removed from me.  I am tired of carrying empathy for David and hurt from him as well.  Both enjoined together, keeping a small part of me captive.

As I opened my devotion at work today, I thought, "God, I need to get back to you.  Nothing is speaking to me anymore.  Where are all the healing moments and words you gave me before at the beginning of this journey?  Speak to me once again and help me continue healing and removing this thorn from my side."

I started reading these words from Francine Rivers:

"The wounds in our past can affect us long after we’ve been rescued from that past. When we have been hurt by other people, we might see relationships as only potential pain. We lean away from the people who reach out to us, careful not to give them any ammunition with which to wound us more. We begin to think of isolation and independence as ideal.

But this is not what God considers best for us. As messy and painful as relationships can be, they also bring us life.

We’re created to care for others and be cared for by them. From the very beginning, God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone.' (Genesis 2:18). He knew that life on this earth would be tough, and we would need others to help us share the load. Romans 12:15 tells us to 'rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.' When others enter into our sorrow, their compassion makes us feel less alone. When others celebrate with us, our joy expands. And when we care enough to share others’ joys and sorrows, our love for them grows and our hearts change. 

Ecclesiastes 4:12 is a reminder that God’s presence is what ultimately makes our relationships work. His presence strengthens our relationships, deepens them, and helps them last. First John 4:12 says, 'If we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.' As we love others, He makes us more like Himself.

Isn't it just like our amazing God to answer a prayer right in the moment we pray and ask for it?

"The wounds in our past can affect us long after we've been rescued from that past. As messy and painful as relationships can be, they also bring us life."

I see you God; I hear you.

My wounds from David's actions, decisions, and words still affect me, even after you rescued me.  And I need to remember that even though my time with David was messy and painful, not all relationships will be that way.  You give us new and long-lasting relationships to bring us life as well.

Thank you Lord for the peace you granted me as I slept last night and the words you so lovingly supplied this morning.  I stand humbled and in awe before you.

As I make my way through this new day, I will remember these words of Scripture and write them upon my heart, "No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us. (1 John 4:12)."

Amen and amen.

Tuesday Nights

 

Tuesday nights are hard.

If you know me, just stop.  If you are in my inner circle, don't write.  Don't call. Don't message.

I just need to write this morning.

For me.

Tuesday nights are hard y'all.

Tuesday nights are Celebrate Recovery nights at my church.  If you aren't familiar with Celebrate Recovery, look it up.  Research it.  It is an amazing program.

Celebrate Recovery ("CR") is a Christian-based recovery program much like Al-Anon or AA.  Only CR claims Jesus as their Higher Power.  No vague ambiguities or claiming whatever Higher Power you feel is yours.

It is Jesus-based and focuses on His love and His power as the recovering addict's anchor and hope.

My church asked me to work CR many months ago.  At the time, participants were rotating and taking turns watching each other's children while the rest of the attendees were meeting in large and small groups.  This rotation worked, but it resulted in people missing two hours they counted on - and needed - each week to remain accountable, to learn, and to share.  To alleviate the issue, leaders of CR decided to hire a few adults to work and watch the attendees' children each week.  I was the first one they approached.  I readily accepted.

Working CR turned out to be a financial God-gift to me.  My Counseling sessions at New Name Ministries cost the same as what I was going to receive from CR, so my own healing was going to come as an outward gift of love from a program that was already helping so many others heal.

What I didn't expect was that the program would also become a personal gift to me, as I began to meet the attendees and share supper with them every Tuesday night before their meetings.

Each person's story.  Every personality.  The heartaches.  The hurts.  But also the joys.  The healings.  The laughter.  Their personal accomplishments and goals achieved.

I will tell you that my CR family, although I am not a recovering addict, is probably the closest knit group of people I am a part of these days.

They are the first group of people I see when I walk into my church on Sunday mornings.  They turn around with coffees in hand and shout exuberantly across the lobby, "Good morning!"  I see them filling up the entire center section, second row, every Sunday -  standing, arms raised, and praising their Savior - our God - so emphatically.  I see them after church, lingering in the lobby laughing, sharing stories, and giving out more hugs.

Our CR group has turned out to be one of the dominant saving forces in my life right now, and Tuesday nights have turned into one of my most favorite nights of the week.

They might have needed me at the beginning, but it turns out God knew I would need them just as much in the end.

But, as I started out writing above - Tuesday nights are hard for me.  They may be my favorite night of the week, but they are also possibly my hardest night of the week as well.

You see, to back up for a minute - every Tuesday, David used to come to CR with two of his family members.  It was healthy and cathartic for all three of them.

And after so much counseling for myself and with so many alcoholics reaching out to me (I am up to ten families at this point that I have interviewed, sat and talked with, and listened to), I have learned that David needs CR as much as the two family members he drops off at the front door.

When there is an addict present within a family, there is something called enmeshment (that I have written about before) that encapsulates the rest of the family.  The chains of enmeshment are extremely difficult to break.  They are easy to see by those of us not affected or bound by them, but they cannot be broken from any of us on the outside.

Chains of enmeshment can only be broken by the individuals affected by them.  Breaking free must come from the work of the Holy Spirit deep inside a person, motivating them to see their chains and dysfunction, and then it must be paired with a recovery group such as CR or Al-Anon for moral support.

But also, in addition to self-awakening, realization, and CR, I have learned from my interviews, most recovering enmeshment victims gained the majority of their healing from on-going Christian Counseling.  A weekly place where they can focus on themselves, share their feelings and struggles, and learn how to be healed fully and completely.

Recovery is usually ongoing and a constant fight against oneself.  It is difficult to obtain freedom because enmeshed individuals believe their family is normal and closer than other families surrounding them.  They believe they love and support each other more than other families and that outsiders "just don't understand" the closeness or love inside their family circle.  All outsiders are viewed as "enemies" trying to break the family circle.

I was the enemy in David's family circle.  I was the outsider who didn't "understand."

And when CR hired me, David quit coming inside to group meetings.  Not only did his family members lose their support from him, but David lost valuable and intricate healing he needed as well.

Each week, I see the family pick-up truck pull up outside the church doors.  I see David inside the truck driving, and I see two family members get out and come inside.

Every Tuesday, it is hard.  It is hard seeing David's face again.  It is hard watching him drive away.  It is hard seeing his family members come inside.  People I dearly love and who once told me, "I love you" every time I visited.  It's hard being the one pushed out so the family can stay intact (and dysfunctional).

But, without groups like CR and individual outside Counseling, the cycle of dysfunction remains.  Families with addicts nestled inside of them continue to believe they are "normal" and continue to shield their circle from outsiders.  I was forced to learn about this world because of my experience.  It is truly heartbreaking, but I am forever grateful to the co-workers and friends that helped me understand and gain knowledge.

Last night at CR, it was Chip Night.  A night when participants are celebrated for their time sober and being free from addiction.  They receive different-colored chips signifying the amount of time they have been free.

Since I had three friends receiving Chips, I went into the large group meeting to witness their achievements and celebrate with them.  I had never been inside a meeting before.

I will tell you that what I witnessed inside that meeting was extremely powerful and cemented what I already knew about my new friends at CR.

What an extremely supportive and loving group of people!  No wonder they are happy and so close-knit.  They have been through hell together.

As I watched all the people receiving Chips go up front, tears flowed.  Their stories were (are) amazing.  Their achievements real and raw.  I watched my friends receive their chips, and my heart burst with joy for their accomplishments.

And then, after the Chip ceremony had ended, the group transitioned into singing a song together as a group.  I stood in the back of that dark room and listened as the music played and lyrics flashed on the screen in front of us.

I didn't know the song, but my tears started flowing, as the Lord brought David's face to my mind again.  A vision of David in that pick-up truck driver's seat earlier, dropping off two family members.  And my heart quietly began to break one more time.  Only it was different this time...

Grief is a funny thing.  The stages of it flow in and out, in no particular order.  You can go through one stage, thinking you have made it through. Then, a previous stage will circle right back around and take you hostage again. Sweeping you off your feet unexpectedly.

I have been through the anger stage of grief with this relationship and breakup.  At the time, it felt good to release those emotions.  I remember thinking, "I'm done.  I have released it all to God."

And then - last night happened - unexpectedly.

God was not finished yet.  He still had much left to teach me.  I still had much to learn.  And all at once, I felt the gravity of the situation.  I felt the sweet presence of the Holy Spirit speaking to my soul. And I suddenly understood why I was in that large group meeting yesterday.

As the song continued to play and the CR group sang about God's sweet grace, all my mind's eye could see was David's thickly-bearded face in the front of that pick-up truck a few hours earlier.

As the tears continued to fall, I prayed, "Lord Jesus, I want to fully forgive him.  I want to.  Please reach into the deepest parts of my heart and let me FULLY and COMPLETELY forgive David for the hurt and abandonment he has inflicted upon myself and my family.  And Jesus, I want to love David the way YOU love him.  I want to be able to see him as YOU see him.  I want to see that pearl, that jewel - that person that YOU love and died for.  You died for DAVID because you love him.  I want to love him like that, see him as YOU see him.  Please help me to see through YOUR eyes."

There may have been more words, more tears, and more prayers, but they are best left at the foot of the Cross between Jesus and myself because they were deeply personal and feelings I needed to share with God.  The Holy Spirit had spoken to my heart.  It was time to learn to love through God's eyes, not my own.

Y'all.  Tuesday nights are hard.  Have I mentioned that yet?

Last night, I was with the most amazing group of people I have ever met, and yet, I was also in a room with people I once called family and thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with - loving, sharing holidays with, and taking care of.  People that no longer make eye contact with me, speak to me, or embrace me.  People who believe I am only at CR to use them for my own personal gain.

And then there is the face of David I see each week through the front glass of our church.  Silently sitting in a pick-up truck, dropping off people he loves and wants to help heal, and then quietly driving away.

Driving away with no healing for himself.

My heart breaks. It just plain 'ole hurts. Because my heart no longer breaks for me and my relationship with David.  It hurts because I see brokenness and captivity.  A man who is lost to a world of addiction and chains of enmeshment.

A man who has learned the behavior of isolating himself from stress, so that he is never quite able to adapt and acquire the skills needed to deal with what life throws him.

I see chains where I know there can be freedom.

Resilience and the ability to deal with life's stresses can be learned with the proper tools of group therapy (like CR, Al-Anon, and AA) and Christian Counseling.  Without them, the mind and spirit remain in a weakened state.

My prayer is that Tuesday nights continue to get easier with time.  God has been prompting me on a few things I need to do on Tuesday nights.  I know what He keeps laying on my heart is going to be hard - mentally, emotionally, and of course - physically.  But He has laid these thoughts on my heart so many times, I am pretty sure it means He is pressing me into acting and following His lead. 

Pray I can be God's hands and feet.  And that after six months of turning inward, I can listen to His words on my heart and turn outward to serve the people that need serving.

Newsflash y'all - it's not all about me.  It's about Jesus.

Tuesday nights are hard.

I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I was in that large group meeting last night for a reason.  I believe that in addition to watching my friends receive their Chips, I was also there for God to speak to my heart. So I could see - through His eyes - what He wanted me to see.

A moment of God breaking through my hard outer shell to take the focus off me and put it back on Him.

If you are struggling with any kind of addiction or have a family member struggling with addiction, please seek out a local Celebrate Recovery group, as well as Christian Counseling.  God loves you. He wants you to experience freedom.  All you have to do is take that first step.

You can break the chains of enmeshment the devil is using to keep you captive.  Break the blindness of isolation and learn what true love and normalcy really look like.  I have faith in you, and I want to see YOU as God sees you.

Happy Wednesday my friends.  Blessings.

Embracing Singleness and God's Calling on Your Life!

 

Y'all.

I just read the best daily devotion on Singleness (is that a word?); it was so good that I want to share most of it here with you.

If you've been following along, you know the Lord allowed my life to change exponentially over five months ago when my partner walked out unexpectedly and without warning.

Through God's grace, amazing people have entered and come alongside my life to help me grow in understanding, wisdom, and healing.

And over the last month, as the Lord and I have dug down deep; worked our way through questions and tears; and taken painful yet necessary steps moving forward, I have begun to wonder if He isn't pulling back the curtain for a new ministry opportunity to appear.

If you are single now - meaning you have been for a while or are newly single - please click the devotion link above to start this plan today.  It is that good.  And please read the excerpts I am sharing below.

This is your path; this is my path.  No matter if you chose it or if it was "gifted" to you like myself, the Lord has allowed it to happen.  It is time to stop focusing on the whys and focus on the wheres.  God is taking you somewhere.  Settle into your seat, buckle up, and enjoy the ride!

Drop me a comment here or on my social media pages to let me know you are okay, settling in, buckling up, and enjoying the ride.

Happy weekend my friends.

"I spent too much time longing for a husband and wishing my days away. It was a lonely and miserable way to live. When I decided to look outside of myself and serve in the church, I found what I’m passionate about: I love connecting with people and encouraging women to root their identity in Christ. Through serving, my life took on new meaning. Suddenly, I was on fire for God in ways I hadn’t experienced before and I found true joy. I still want to find a husband, but it no longer weighs heavily on my heart. My biggest desire is no longer to hear “I do,” but to hear “well done my good and faithful servant.” 

God created each of us to play a special role in His Kingdom, and it’s only when we’re living in our calling that we can truly be fulfilled. We all have unique talents, experiences, and skills that point to our God-given purpose. Some are called to full-time ministry. Others are called to be a light in the corporate world. While the method may look different from person to person, as Christ followers, we’re all called to reach people for Jesus. Our marital status does not change that mission.  

In the book of Matthew, Jesus tells His followers to go make disciples and teach them to obey his commandments. He doesn’t say to wait until you’re married and then you can really start your ministry. He just says “go.”  

If you’re not sure exactly how God calls you to serve His Kingdom, ask Him to show you. In the meantime, just start serving somewhere. Don’t believe the lies that you aren’t a valuable part of the church and you can’t make a difference while you’re single. God sees you as chosen, anointed, and equipped—not someday, but right now. Spiritual maturity doesn’t come as a result of a change in relationship status. Spiritual maturity comes as a result of a relationship with Jesus. 

Maybe one day, God will call you into marriage. If that’s what you want, pray for it. It’s not wrong to pray for a spouse, but don't let that desire keep you from growing in your faith now and leading others to do the same. As Proverbs 16:9 says, we can make our plans, but ultimately, God determines our steps. Serve Him with everything you have today, and trust that He will lead you down the right path at the right time.  

Whether we are called to marriage down the line or not, God asks us to step into our calling now. We only get a short time on this earth, and we can’t allow our relationship status to keep us from fulfilling the purpose God has on our lives. So, go!

Self-Control - Finding Out You Can Possess this Fruit of the Spirit

 

"Father, the power of the Spirit that is in me, which is greater than the spirit that is in this world, I ask that You would daily pour Your power, love, and peace into my life so I may walk in self-control, courage, and with a sound mind. When my thoughts race and my mind defaults to a spirit of fear, may Your perfect love cast out fear so I may stand firm and unwavering and live with conviction in a world of compromise. Amen."

My weekend started out well.

My journey had been getting better each day.  Each day has its own challenges, and every day, it is still a challenge to remove David from my thoughts, placing those memories at the feet of Jesus and asking Him to remove them from my mind along with breaking the chains that keep me attached to them and the family I once built with David.

My Christian Counselor has been simply amazing, my family has been incredible, and above all - the Lord filled my February calendar (the traditional month of love and a month I had so much fear circling around me about) with so much love, I could hardly keep up.

I remember lying down to sleep one week night and hearing the Lord quietly whisper to me, "You may not have anyone for Valentine's Day, but I am filling your entire month with love."  I saw a picture of a calendar in my mind for the month of February, and I could see all the dates and events He had already etched into place.  I felt His peace surround me, and I may have even quietly weeped before falling asleep.

The presence of God is so good.

The last and ninth Fruit of the Spirit is self-control.  We read about it in 2 Tim. 1:7.

As I headed into the weekend a few days ago, two of my facebook pages received an Admin invite from David's gaming page to join the private group associated with that page.  I teetered back and forth mentally with the invites and then accepted both.

It left me confused.  Why would David send me an invite to join a private group of his?  If you have been keeping up with my writings, you know I was completely destroyed by David's leaving five months ago.

The invites seemed odd to me, but I tried not to give them any more thought.

Then came Saturday afternoon.  I wasn't feeling well, so I decided to lay down for a bit and find a movie to watch. I settled on Apple Film's, "Napoleon."

As I watched the relationship develop and grow between Napoleon and Josephine, my mind reflected back onto my relationship with David.

The five years I spent with David were the happiest (inside a relationship, that is) and also the most emotionally intimate years of my adult life.

But as I laid there watching the movie and thinking back over my relationship with David and the two invites that had come the day before, the Lord kept laying on my heart a few of David's last spoken words to me one Sunday afternoon in - of all places - our church parking lot.  Words that shattered me as he spoke:

"I am so much happier without you in my life now."

"You are not a nice person.  You just aren't!"

"I will never forgive you." (After I apologized for what hurt him and then asked him to forgive me.)

"My family is pissed off at you!" (After I asked if could sit down with his parents and sister to talk through any feelings they might have.)

"I don't believe what God gave us was a gift."

I instantly knew accepting those two invitations to David's Facebook page's private group had been a wrong decision.

Now, God was pressing on my thoughts and heart trying to remind me how cruel David had been that day, how unforgiving, and how unmoving.

So, listening to the pressings on my heart, I removed both of my facebook pages from David's private group.

But - and here is where I messed up, veering out on my own, past where God had led - I didn't want David to see the accepted invites and then see me exiting his private group the next day.  I didn't want to be accused of playing games.

So I sent a brief email to David, explaining why I had left the group.  I explained my hurt and how shattered I had been by his last words to me and that I only wished God's best for him in the future.

I never expected a response.

He had never responded to anything sent before, so why should this be any different?

I prayed, "God, I do not need a response, so please do not let one come."  But I also prayed that my words would have effect on David's heart, that it might finally become softened and pliable, growing tender and sensitive toward the Holy Spirit.

That he might finally understand the power of words and that accepting as well as granting forgiveness is something God wants for us.  It frees us from the pain we carry. We do it for ourselves, not the other party or anyone else.

Late Saturday night, while out with friends, a response arrived in my Inbox.  Inside his short e-mail, David mentioned having health issues.

My family and friends told me not to reply, but inside, I really wanted to extend God's love and the power of prayer over David.

I struggled through the night, crafting out words carefully that a reply could contain - but with no pressing from God, I knew I'd be on my own, and that was a place I did not want to be. I continued to pray as I tossed and turned all night.

Finally, when morning broke, I started the coffee and grabbed my books.  Sitting at the kitchen counter, I opened up my first devotional.  It read:

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”—2 Timothy 1:7 

And there it was.

Good morning Holy Spirit.  Thank you for reminding me and confirming to me I made the right choice - to exercise self-control.

Like a ton of bricks, this lesson on the ninth Fruit of the Spirit - self-control hit home hard: "God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

Praise God, I had exercised power and love and, most importantly, self-control the night before. 💜 What a gift and sigh of relief to receive this confirmation through Scripture the next morning.

And how fitting that God would save today to begin my lessons on self-control.  So like Jesus!

Remember this - when we have nothing else, we will still always have Jesus. He never leaves our sides.

I am so glad I took the advice of my family and friends.  I am so glad I asked Jesus for help and guidance and then listened for Him to answer me on whether I should send a reply to David's email or not.

God had been silently telling me, "No," all night. All I had to do was listen.

I bowed my head, wept silently through prayers for myself, for David's health, and for my boys.

I asked God to always grant me the ability to exercise self-control when He demands it and to help me produce this last Fruit of the Spirit without an inner fight (not an easy task; I know I will need His help)!  And then, I began writing.

I know this post is long, but it was cathartic for me. I needed to exhale and write down my experience and feelings.

These writings will always be here to remind me what to do when flesh starts to outweigh Spirit.

God is faithful to us always and to where we are at any specific moment in time.

I am thankful He showed up this morning at the precise moment I needed Him. 

Today, I learned I can produce at least one Fruit of the Spirit - self-control!

"Thank you Jesus.  I love you.  Thank you for your sacrifice of love and for my personal gift of salvation.  I pray you will always guide me, especially in matters of the heart where I am still struggling today.

I ask for release from any remaining 'chains' inside my heart tied to David.  My heart hurts still.  The memories linger still.  I miss the presence, the love, and the companionship.  I miss the life we built and the foundation we were building for the future.

I feel like such a failure at times!

His words were extremely cruel at the end, and He became a person I didn't recognize.

I have done as you asked - I have asked both You and him for forgiveness for my part in any hurt I may have given out along the way.

Thank You for forgiving me.

I pray one day You will soften David's heart, and he will let the Holy Spirit inside it to work. And then, he too will learn how to forgive and feel the freedom forgiving grants.

Thank you Jesus for the family and friends surrounding me and for keeping my calendar full when it needs to be and for the quiet, alone times as well so that I may recharge and have time to read, study, and recenter.

Jesus, I pray for my sons.

Please keep an eye on them.  Guard their paths and decisions.

May they always return to You, and may You protect them all the days of their lives.

I am so thankful for their presence in my life, their wisdom and maturity, and their great love.

In Jesus name, Amen."

 

Back to KINDNESS

 

"Father, I pray You would help me to always remember that it was because of Your loving kindness that I am here where I stand today.

May this always be at the forefront of my mind and heart as I go forth in my interactions with others so my words will carry greater weight as Your kindness is produced in me and displayed through me. Amen."

* * * * *

Wednesdays are long days for me.  A full day at my day job and then off to visit my Counselor for our weekly meeting and then off again for my women's Wednesday night Bible Study at church.

By the time I get home, I am tired.  A quick change into warm, cozy pajamas and then into bed.  Usually, no TV.  Just a quick glance of phone notifications before turning off the lights and snuggling up with my furry family members to sleep.

Over the last few weeks, I have been learning about the fifth Fruit of the Spirit - kindness.  It is one I have tried to dig deep into.

We often think of ourselves as kind and view ourselves through that qualifying magnifying glass.  But it is how others view us that we must really keep at the forefront of our thinking.  If others we cross paths with do not view us as kind, are we really being kind and producing this Fruit of the Spirit in our lives?

Last night, I had one of the most impactful dreams I have ever had.  I feel sure it was God's Holy Spirit impressing upon me the importance of this fifth Fruit of the Spirit - kindness.

The Old Testament is ripe with stories of God speaking to His people through dreams.  At the beginning of mankind, there were no writings or Scripture for people to read, study, or for God to speak to His people through.  Later on, even when the Scriptures were available, they were normally only read in the Temple; people did not own a personal copy as we do today.  Because of this, God would often speak to His people through dreams.

We don't hear of God speaking to His people through dreams much anymore, but our God is still the same God today as he was in Genesis and Exodus.  He is still abundantly able to use our dreams to communicate with us.

All through last night, for a solid and straight six hours, God took me on a journey over the last 11 years.  Showing me each relationship I have been in during those years (albeit and thankfully, not many!) and how my words and actions might have impacted my partners.

One scene I can still vividly remember seeing from last night was from about 11 years ago.  I was going through the final stages of my divorce.  My ex-husband's and my lawyer had both said it was the nicest and most cordial divorce they had ever been through.  We had tried to remember who we were as Christians and treated each other with respect and kindness through our mediation.

Greg had decided to let me remain in our house, so the boys could stay in their surroundings and not be disrupted by the divorce.  He agreed to move about a mile down the street so they boys could still be close to their Dad.

I remember driving home on the day Greg and his Parents were packing up his things and moving furniture.  I pulled into our cul-de-sac and saw cars in the driveway.  They were still there busy loading up his things. I didn't want to go inside or near the house.  I knew it would be terribly hard and awkward.  So, after sitting there for a few minutes, I drove away knowing it would be the last time Greg would be a part of our home.

It was a sad day.  A memory God presented and allowed to come to me in my dream last night.  My little red Honda Element sitting in the cul-de-sac, across from my driveway.  I could see all the cars there, and I remembered thinking Greg was inside packing and moving the furniture he was taking with him.

When that day actually occurred, in real life, I had been relieved.  Greg and I had lived together through our divorce, and I had done most of my grieving over the months leading up to the divorce.  I was ready to exhale and begin a new life.  But in my dream last night, God's Spirit impressed upon me how Greg must have been feeling that day - I felt a heavy weight of empathy envelop me.  How sad Greg must have been to leave a house and a home we built together for almost 20 years and how hard it must have been to leave his two boys to move to a house down the street all alone.

One by one, the Lord presented different situations to me - each time surrounding me with the heavy weight of empathy, the other person's feelings, and what it must have felt like to be on the other side of me.

I woke up wide awake and with a burden that felt like a heavy sack of grain on my shoulders.  The sadness was overwhelming.

I didn't know who that girl was in my dream.  She was surely not the same person I am today.  I was overcome with guilt and empathy for the people my life had intersected with.  I got up, showered, and tried to get ready for my day at work.  I tried to shake the feelings I had been given and the images the Lord presented to me overnight, but about 30 min. into my morning routine, I was overcome with a deep need to speak to the Lord.

I stopped what I was doing and sat down on my bed.  I bowed my head and began to pray.  Thirty minutes later, I had given my burdens to the Lord.  I'd laid them at His feet and asked Him to remove them from me. I apologized and asked for forgiveness, and I had - most importantly - asked Him to instill kindness within my nature so I could produce this fifth Fruit of the Spirit.  

"Lord, I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.  Please help me to remember these moments and learn from them.  I don't want to hurt anyone anymore."

Kindness is a hard Fruit of the Spirit to produce sometimes.  People try our patience.  People hurt us.  But yet, if we abide in Christ, we should be able to overcome the obstacles the devil puts in our path to produce the Fruits of the Spirit.

In Romans 2:4, the Bible says, "...or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness...not realizing that God's kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?"

That was the first Scripture I read this morning.  Kind of unbelievable, but yet God is always right on time.

The kindness of God leads us to repentance, just like I experienced last night.  God's kindness last night led me to repenting and asking for forgiveness for my past.  It taught me about kindness and how to produce it.

When we are kind, God will use it to draw people to us.

"As the Holy Spirit works in us, transforming us, pouring the image of Christ in us, pouring His kindness into us, it’s that fruit that will lead to the salvation of people around us. It’s not us winning an argument or showing them how much we know. It’s the evidence of God’s work in us, of His kindness, that leads to repentance and gives true credibility to our message."

I am incredibly thankful for a God that forgives (and forgets) our transgressions and loves us so much, He knows we can change and he shows us how to do so with gentleness and love.

I am grateful He taught me about kindness last night.  I can't wait to begin producing fruit...

* * * * *

"Dear Lord, thank you for your forgiving nature.  The ability to forget and forgive our transgressions.  Your deep love for me is astounding.  You change me all the time, and I am so thankful for new chances every morning.

I want to be the person You desire for me to be.  I want to show people who You truly are - Your kind and gentle nature - drawing more to You each day.

Thank you for new beginnings.  I love you. Amen."