Faith - Friday Findings

 

Good morning, and happy Friday.

Those that follow me and read my words know that I write best early in the morning.  And, well.  Here it is 6:01 a.m. Friday morning.

I read this morning's devotion from Proverbs 31 ministries, and true to God's character, it was exactly what I needed.

You see, today is bill-paying Friday.  I got into a habit many decades ago of paying bills every other weekend.  Because that's when my ex-husband got paid - every other week.  So we paid bills every other week.  It became a habit.  A habit that still carries forward today.

But no longer are these bill-paying weekends shared with a partner.  Now the bills fall to only me, and honestly, working as an AA for the local school system, I don't make what maybe I could be making out in the corporate world.

That said, I love working for the high school I am currently in.  The leadership is fantastic, my coworkers are like family, and I love interacting with the kids every day (okay - well maybe not every day, but you get the idea).  

Bill-paying weekends are stressful.  I toss and turn all night, if I sleep at all.  I wonder how I am going to make the threshold.  Roughly speaking, I am $2,000 short a month.  I've been blessed with a savings account, but even that won't hold on forever.  It's like sitting and watching the railroad tracks because you know the train that's coming is going to crash.

God has always been faithful to me.  I had an ex-husband that always paid his child support on time; I had a best friend that helped me get my current school job so I could keep insurance and stay on my children's school schedules; and I have other minimal streams of income coming in.  No doubt God has blessed me.

But still.  I am $2,000 short a month.  We've cut back just about everywhere we can.  My travel agent job allows me to travel wisely and help others as well.  My thrifting and drop-shipping company helps bring in pocket change here and there.  But still.

Is God testing me?  My ability to be a good financial steward?  My ability to weed out things in life I don't really need?  My ability to force myself to grow?  To go back to school?  What exactly is He looking for in me?  What am I missing?

It is so hard to keep a mindset of HOW CAN I instead of looking at your problems negatively and burying yourself in the miseries life can bestow upon you.  (Brief shout out to my Rainmaker family for positive encouragment and teaching on how to grow.)

So, it was after tearful prayer time this morning.  Again releasing all my monies, time, thoughts, and more to the foot of the cross - that this morning's Proverbs 31 devotion popped up in my facebook feed (like it does every morning) with the picture above.

Yes.

Yes.  Someday, I will look back to these times and see how God's hand was at work in my life.  I maybe can't see it right in this moment - but He is here.  He is here working and making a way.

Sometimes, God will not give us more than we need.  He will give us less than we need for reasons we can't see but that will someday be explained.

I am blessed.  I have a home.  I have a wonderful boyfriend and partner in life.  I have the best girlfriends a girl could ever ask for to do life with.  I have a job that I love.

My fears and needs for financial stability do not come from a desire to have a boat, a Florida home, fancy cars, a higher-level home, or anything else of that nature.  My "why" to have MORE is so that I can meet my threshold and then give the rest away to others.  

Jesus knows this.  He knows my heart inside and out.  He sees the sacrifices and the offerings this household gives when it hurts to do so.  He sees the blessings that come from those sacrifices and offerings. I just want to meet my threshold so I can do more abundantly.

My tearful prayer this morning is that Jesus will not let me fail.  I do not want to repeat the failures of my Dad (my Dad filed for bankruptcy three times).  I do not want to be "without," but I will go and do what HE wants - even if that means I hit those particular financial valleys.

Jesus thank you for all the blessings of my life.  My beautiful children - Tony and Josh; my wonderful partner - David; my incredible support circle of girlfriends - Michelle, Melanie, Denise, Janet, and Stephanie; and all the other people, animals, and blessings you've put in my path.  You've created a beautiful tapestry for my life, and I ask for your forgiveness for when I feel it is not enough.  It is never my desire to beg for MORE Jesus; it is just to humbly lay before the cross and ask HOW CAN I do more, be more, and give more.  Help me to sustain my household Jesus.  Open doors, and help me to understand and "see" when you keep doors closed.  Help me to learn to be more like YOU each minute of every day, and thank you for putting people in my path that exemplify that and show me an example of You love.  I humbly ask for your sustance, your guidance, your forgiveness, and your leadership.  In your name we always pray, Amen.