Tuesday, November 15, 2022

Strength & Anger


This morning, I am taking a break from my spiritual ramblings for a second.  Maybe there will be a second post later after devotionals, but I am already running late into my day after a rainy morning that kept me in bed far too long.

As some of you know and if you have been following along, you will know that I recently went through a breakup.  It's been hard, and luckily for me, I am a Christian and have a strong faith.

A faith that keeps me grounded and the rock where I can always lean when I can't hold myself up.

This breakup HURT.  This man was my forever.  The end of the road for me.  I never looked at anyone else; I never thought about looking at anyone else.  He was just IT for me.  Of course, there is always a story and more to the story, but today, I needed to journal something else out.

I woke up to this:

Yep.  ABBA.

I'm not even an ABBA fan, but there it was in my head when I woke up, and I felt different this morning.  Now, I realize breakups can change, they can be restored.  I also know that emotions run the gamut as you go through the days, weeks, and months.  To me, this time, it's like a husband's death.  Suddenly (or not), the person you shared your life with - all the ups and downs, the patterns, the traditions, and more is suddenly gone - but you're still there.

I watched the new Hallmark Christmas movie this weekend, and one of the stories in the movie was about a widow.  Each year, the couple threw a large Christmas party, and the widow was going to throw it by herself this year.  In the end, and right before the party, she sent out cancellation emails to everyone (except her daughter, who still showed up in full party regale, where they ended up with the lovely and traditional Hallmark heart-to-heart talk).

This widowed woman told her daughter when asked why was going to have the party, "This is MY LIFE!  This is what we do!"

See - when you are left alone - like after the death of a partner or spouse - you are still here, carrying on and all the traditions and things you did together are still "here" and fresh for you.  Everything is still there, and it's hard to realize they have dissolved.

So when I woke up this morning - the sadness didn't overwhelm me like it sometimes can - ABBA was in my head and I embraced it.  Made my coffee and danced around the kitchen.  In the darkness of a new morning and before the sun had peeked its head out over the eastern skyline of trees outside my kitchen windows.

And I thought, "Yes, Jesus.  This is right.  I have asked for forgiveness that has not been granted.  I have admitted my wrongs, but it was not enough."  I have to admit my partner's personality is not able to accept some things, and his lifestyle is not conducive to where we are (were) as a couple.  He is not able to fully grasp it, grow, mature, and embrace.

It's humbling, and it's sad.  But I also see family and friends of my inner circle now coming forth to say, "We see this too," (paraphrase there) - One of my friends said to me last night, after I got home from my Graduation Ceremony with the Sheriff's Office.  I said to her, "I look around and I see a HOME here.  An opportunity for love and a future.  Meals together, back porch time together, fire time together.  Kids, family.  Togetherness.  And now, it's gone."

She very simply and plainly said to me, "It's not gone.  HE LOST IT.  It's his lost that he tossed away all those things.  You still have them."

Wow.  Eye opener.

Thank you Jesus for a HOME.  For pets that feel the loss and mourn alongside me.  For a brother that had a best friend but now has to separate from him.  For best girlfriends that loved my partner fully and without any kind of negativity or judgment and because he loved them fully back without negativity or judgment.  We all feel the loss of my partner.  But we can't change who he is or the choices he makes.

It's sad, but I have to wake up this morning and thank God for ABBA (as weird as that sounds), and I have to say,

"No more carefree laughter
Silence ever after
Walking through an empty house, tears in my eyes
Here is where the story ends; this is goodbye.

Knowing me, knowing you
There is nothing we can do
Knowing me, knowing you
We just have to face it; this time, we're through.

Breaking up is never easy I know, but I have to go
Knowing me, knowing you
It's the best I can do.

Memories.  Good days; bad days
They'll be with me always
In these old, familiar rooms, children would play
Now, there's only emptiness, nothing to say

Knowing me, knowing you
There is nothing we can do
Knowing me, knowing you
We just have to face it; this time, we're through.
This time, we're through
Breaking up is never easy I know, but I have to go.

I have to go this time
I have to go this time, I know
Knowing me, knowing you 
It's the best I can do

Do I believe all of those lyrics?  Absolutely not.  I have bowed my head, asked for help and forgiveness.  I have no idea if that forgiveness will ever come.  But that is not up to me.  I have done what is required of me.  I can't make another person accept my forgiveness or take my hand when I extend it and ask for help.

You can only do you.  Keep your focus on Jesus; keep your focus on Scripture; and keep your focus on your daily walk.  Take your life minute by minute.  It's the best you can do (to quote ABBA).

Do I still love my boy?  Of course I do, but I have to focus on my life.  The one Jesus gives me, and I am so very blessed to have a calvary of girlfriends and family that circle the horses around me, protect me, give Godly wisdom, and encourage me to be the best I can be.

Here we go Tuesday.  I am ready for you.

There will always be hope in my heart for reunions and reconstructions.  Hope for forgiveness and mending and growing in intimacy.  But I also understand that may not be my path this time.  We have to let those that are not ready for growth, maturity, commitment, and intimacy grow and mature in their own timeline.  Sometimes, you are not the priority in another person's pathway.  And that's got to be okay with us (me).

Happy Tuesday my friends.  Keep the faith and keep walking one tiny baby step at a time!  

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