Rest. Wait. Listen. Renew.

 

Matthew 11:28-30:

"Come to me, all who labor & are heavy laden, & I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you & learn from me, for I am gentle & lowly in heart, & you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, & my burden is light."

It's a dreary, cold, & rainy Saturday morning today.

I've already been to the park to walk/run my miles, and I've made breakfast and watched a Christmas movie.

My agenda today is to start decorating for Christmas.  But honestly, I have no desire to do it.  Lately, my heart has been sad, and I'm just not into it yet this year. I feel like the joy has been sucked out of my life for a season.

My prayer partners and inner circle of best girlfriends and family know I am in a season of waiting. And to be honest and transparent here, it sucks - for so many reasons.

Have you ever been here?  It could be for anything.  Health diagnoses, relationship issues, or work-related situations.  It's not a fun place to be.

One day, you are learning and growing and the next minute or even the next day, you could be right back to being broken and wondering why God isn't changing things.

I read this prayer today, and it really touched my heart:

"Father, you are gentle and humble in heart, and you invite me to come to you when I’m weary and burdened. You lead me to a better way. Make me more like you. Open up my eyes to the beauty in this journey of waiting, help me to draw closer to you, and to become more patient. Help me to learn how to rest, wait, listen, and renew. Amen."

I love that - Rest. Wait. Listen. Renew.  Interesting series of actions.

The prayer above says "help me...to become more patient..." I've never personally prayed for patience.  In church, we've always been taught to not pray for patience because the Lord will readily oblige and teach you!  Ha! But, I guess, within our seasons of waiting, patience is something that is absolutely necessary.

Over the last two months, I have been sitting through a period of "time and space." I have had my two prayer partners pray over me in written messages as well as over the phone.  The prayers have been beautiful and well-spoken.  They have covered me with love and God's Words. Both men have shared their personal testimonies with me, as well as given good sound and Godly advice.

I have been blessed with these two prayer partners, and I am so grateful God has given them to me.

Along with receiving Godly prayer partners during my season of "time and space," God has also opened a few beautiful doors for me within my house of worship - new serving opportunities; new groups to join for fellowship and learning God's Word; and a renewed love of attending church, worshipping, and learning.

But if you've been through a season of waiting, you know that God's blessings still do not make your period of "rest, wait, listen, and renew" a piece of cake or easier.

It's always hard during these seasons - feelings and thoughts of what your heart wants, asking God where He is and why He isn't showing up, and having Him remain silent on the other end - all struggles mixed in with the blessings He presents us with during this time.

I suppose it is in times of waiting we should strive to become more like Peter.  Remember when Peter tried to walk across the raging waves and sea to meet Jesus out on the water?  He was safe and stayed afloat when his eyes remained on Jesus, but the second he turned away from Jesus, he began to sink.

I think that's what most of us feel like during our seasons of waiting, especially on those days (like today) that are "empty" of any errands or appointments.  I always tend to think on these days, "Well, Jesus.  Here I am.  I've got plenty of time today to work on this thing.  Are you going to open a door or not?"

Lordy.  I'm sure Jesus must get a laugh out of our thought processes, questions, and "little demands."

We are taking our eyes off the PROCESS and Jesus and turning our gaze to the OUTCOME or problem at hand.  And that's when, like Peter, we start to sink.

My prayers remain the same each day.  I pray for change.  I pray for my loved ones.  I pray for protection.  I pray for release.  I thank Jesus for my salvation, forgiving me for my sins, and for creating new life in me.

As a matter of fact, as I was discussing prayer life with one of my prayer partners a few nights ago, we talked about how there is no magic formula for praying.  No special combination of words or actions that automatically prompt Jesus to answer our prayers.

We can pray for God's Will to be done.  We can pray for demonic forces to release those we love.  We can pray for protection over those we love. We can pray for release.  We can pray for doors to open.  We can pray for help and healing in certain situations, but - there will never be any special combination of words or actions that God magically responds to.

Rest. Wait. Listen. Renew.

Write those words down and remember them. Those are the periods of "fire" we have to walk through.  It may take days...or weeks...or as in my prayer partner's situation, years.

But in the end, God will renew us.

It will be His Will and His way, and we will continue to embrace the PROCESS instead of taking our eyes off Him to focus on the outcome we desire.

Trust me, Jesus knows ALL our thoughts and prayers, and He will still do what is best for us, regardless.

I'll sum up today's post with this...

Christian Pastor, speaker, & author John Ortberg says, “Biblically, waiting is not just something we have to do until we get what we want. Waiting is part of the process of becoming what God wants us to be.”

So in the heartbreak of your "time and space" seasons of life, remember this:  REST - WAIT - LISTEN - RENEW - "Waiting is the part of the process of becoming what God wants us to be."

"Father God, I lift up this season of "time and space" and give it to you.  You have heard my prayers.  You know my heart.  I pray that you help me to remember to embrace your PROCESS and not focus on the OUTCOME I desire.  I know what you offer and give to us is what will be the very best for us, even if we can't always see it.

I pray we keep our gaze on you and not what other people think or do to us.  That you bless us and open beautiful doors in our seasons of waiting.  I will trust you to keep instilling wisdom and peace into my heart when evil wants to keep hurt there instead.  It's a hard, long process, and we can't always see or feel you.  We may sometimes wonder where you are and why you aren't answering us, but FAITH says you are always near and always listening.  May we remember these words you teach us and KNOW you will bring us through our seasons.  Amen."

Pray and Ask BOLDLY

I am sipping coffee this morning, in my Rae Dunn Christmas mug, sitting on my living room couch under my Christmas thrift store, Restoration Hardware blanket (you didn't really think I paid that much for a blanket, right?) draped over my lap.  

Fox & Friends Weekend on silently in front of me.  The hosts broadcasting live from the Army-Navy game (go Navy, beat Army!).  I cue up my devotion(s) for today, and I get the post below.  Right on target and a lesson I have had to learn (the not-so-easy way) this Fall as our Country moved through another season of voting and picking the way our Country would and should be governed.

Praying isn't always easy, is it?

I love politics.  I love America.  I love God's Word.  The last two make the first one hard sometimes.

Right now, we have leaders in place that believe life does not begin at conception.  They don't believe a baby inside a Mother does have a completely unique set of DNA.  They don't believe the heartbeat at six weeks is real.  They believe biological men should be allowed to compete in women's sports.  They believe elementary-aged children should be allowed to explore gender options without parental interference.

There are just a few of the many moral issues that come at us daily.  How many of these issues conflict with God's Word?

Here in Georgia, I am struggling.

God's Word tells us that Abraham argued with God over Sodom and Gomorrah.  God's Word tells us Moses "argued" with God over Him using Moses as the Israelite's new leader.  God's Word tells us Jacob wrestled with God.  

So, we do have precedent that we can argue with God - try to get an Almighty being to see our point of view.  And so, I do - and I did.  In tears in front of the Cross more than once.

Why would God allow a man that claims to be a PASTOR preach from and lead one of the most famous Baptist and conservative churches in America?  Why would God keep allowing a man to serve in Congress that puts out commercials about his faith and his church when he openly stands in direct opposition to God's Word and thus His principles?

I don't know.

Why would God not allow a man that openly professes to follow God's Word not lead our Country?  Why would God not allow a man that uses Scripture to call out the false witness of his opponent to lead our Country?  Why would God not let a man that admits his sin and his fails in life but then professes how Jesus saved him and he is trying to live a better life now serve his country?

Gosh.  I have no idea.

In my humanness, I see two men.  One in direct opposition to God and His Word and one openly professing God, his personal salvation, and God's redemption for mankind.

So - when my personal prayers were not answered last month, I had to accept God's answer.  "God, here is what I want, but I will accept whatever answer you give."  "God, I don't know why you allow evil men to run a Country with so many of your people inside of it or asking you for Godly leadership, but I will accept your answer and understand I can in no way know your plans for America."

So many times in life, God gives an answer we don't like.  And that's just how it is going to be.  God doesn't always heal.  God sometimes says no.  Take a few minutes to read this devotional from Lysa TerKeurst this morning.  It may help you understand a little bit better.  I know it refreshed my soul this morning.

I will keep praying for America and Godly leadership to be reinstated.  I will keep believing God will restore America and remove the evil he has allowed to rise in leadership and power.  If He never does during my time here on Earth, I will still accept His answer and know there is a greater plan in place.

My purpose in this life is to read God's Word, follow God's Word, and live (to the best of my ability) according to God's Word.  That's it.  So, I will keep putting one foot in front of the other until I arrive at those pearly gates of Heaven.

It's Saturday, so that means a day of activity for most of us.  I hope your activity is positive and productive and you accomplish much.  Tomorrow, we rest.  Happy Saturday my friends.

Am I Scared to Pray Boldly?

Sometimes I’m scared to pray boldly in the way King Hezekiah did when the Assyrian army was knocking on Jerusalem’s gate.

It’s not that I don’t believe God can do anything. I do. I’m a wild-about-Jesus girl. Wild in my obedience. Wild in my adventures with God. After all, I think Jesus would rather rein in a wild stallion than kick a dead mule.

So my hesitation isn’t rooted in doubt about God. Instead, it’s rooted in doubt about my ability to discern the will of God. If his will is no while I am boldly praying for a yes, then I worry my prayers will get me off track.

Because I desperately want to stay in the will of God, I find myself praying at times with timidity: “God please heal my friend, if it’s your will.” I wonder why I don’t just boldly pray, “God, please heal my friend.” Then believe, whatever the outcome, that my prayers were not in vain.

I’m realizing prayer isn’t just about getting an answer from God. It’s also about changing me. It opens my spiritual eyes to see things I can’t see on my own and to see God in a fresh way. Praying boldly boots me out of a stale place of religious habit into authentic connection with God.

So prayer does make a difference—a life-changing and earth-rattling difference. We can kneel confidently and know the tremors of a simple Jesus girl’s prayers extend far and wide. This truth snuffs out the flickers of hesitation in my prayers.

What do you need to pray boldly about today? Go ahead and ask. Not so your prayers cause God to move, but so you can be in a position to see Jesus move in any which way he pleases.

Slowing Down

Recently, I had the opportunity to sit down with a friend and coworker. 

I think she spent somewhere between 30 min. and an hour in the chair opposite my desk.  She started out with small talk and asking me about me.  Then, talk changed to her life.

I sat and listened.  It was good to see her share and exhale.  I knew she needed it.  

One of the things she mentioned was slowing down.  At our high school jobs, we rarely have time to sit still, exhale, or even THINK most of the time.  It can be an exhausting job, but it is always still rewarding helping young adults and sometimes troubled adults heal and find their pathways.

I got what she was saying.  I face the same things and obstacles in my job, which I will say right now, is not nearly as "giving" as hers.  You get in the car after maybe a 12-hour day and just want to exhale.  You want to put on your music or maybe just remain silent and enjoy the quiet of your 30-min. ride home.  You get home and you just want to REST and not give anymore.

But - so often - that is not how life works.  People want to talk to you; people need you.  And so you - sometimes begrudgingly - "give."  But not so much out of a grateful heart, which - of course - leads to hurt feelings and more giving you have to do.  You end up crawling into bed at night exhausted and wondering who you are.

You lose time at the Cross.  You lose yourself.  What about those side businesses you created?  They are not flourishing.  What about those friends that have messaged and are waiting for an answer?  They are not flourishing.  What about all the creative ideas God is inspiring you to do?  They are not flourishing.

It is so very important to sit STILL and hear God.  Find yourself, and I mean this in a non-New Age way.  If we are not STILL and LISTEN, we will not flourish and our time at the Cross and with those we love and the ideas God has given us will die.  They will never flourish.

This seems to be a common theme in my life the last few days.  I need that time ALONE to reconnect to my own spirit as well as take some time to sit at the Cross.

Fast forward to this morning.  Imagine my surprise when I found this devotion.  I'm going to end here by sharing it in its entirety.  I hope you take the time to LISTEN to this, read it carefully, and then make sure you are carving out time in your life to sit at the Cross and also to find yourself.  Life is exhausting.  You simply cannot give all the time.  You must have times of stillness, quietness, and being alone to reconnect to your Spirit and to the very GREAT Spirit of God - the Holy Spirit.

Happy Sunday to anyone reading this.  I hope your day is good and kind and fruitful.

UPDATE: I wrote this before church earlier this morning.  I got here to church, and the Worship Leader stopped in between songs to talk about the "busy-ness" of the Season and how we should slow down.  Fast forward to the Preacher's message - he is preaching on slowing down and focusing on the word PACE.

I think God is speaking.  Are we listening? 🎄❤️

"Slow It Down

Everyone knows morning comes first, and then evening. Right? So I was surprised to read in Genesis 1:5 that the order was, in fact, reversed: “And there was evening, and there was morning.” God started with evening, a time of rest, and a day followed, in which he continued to create.

We live in a culture where we work all day, and then eventually we might take time to rest. To order our days the way God does—with rest as a priority—is a challenge.

I learned to prioritize God’s way when, at age 32, I was diagnosed with cancer. I told the doctor I didn’t have time for cancer, but cancer didn’t consult my schedule.

My life changed while going through treatment as I put aside activities that previously had seemed vital. Out of that difficult time came a new list of priorities. At the top of the list: to balance my life.

I learned to climb between the sheets and put aside my worries—to rest my body and mind. To slow down when life became crazy and assess what is important. I began to see evening as the first part of my day.

This concept changed my life, physically and spiritually. Recently I had two speaking events sandwiched together. As the dates approached, time with my heavenly Father became “evening.” In preparation for my events, I listened to the heart of my Father instead of going over my notes. Out of that rest sprang fruitful ministry during the day.

Learning to live with evening, or rest, as a top priority is an ongoing process. Many times I ask God to help me reprioritize, make time for physical rest and put “evening” back where it belongs.

By T. Suzanne Elle"

Hope

 

Saturday.  

There is great "joy" in that word, isn't there?  It's a day of hope to many of us.  

A day that we "hope" to knock chores off the list.  Does the grass need to be cut?  Do the leaves need to be blown or raked?  Do we need to dust or vacuum?  Do we need to run errands?  Do we need to rest from a busy and hectic work week?

Hope is a great thing, and while we live here in "the middle," (like I journaled yesterday) we wrestle in between sin and hope.  

Sometimes, as we tread this line - we struggle with anxiety and hope all at the same time.  And we know that joy is waiting for us on the other side.

But while we are in between our Gardens, we struggle with what this world offers us - heartbreak, fear, the unknown.

I don't know how God plans my life to perfectly coincide with my devotionals, but He did it again this morning.  I could not have picked better words from Lysa TerKeurst this morning, but they are so applicable to my life at the moment.  Take a second to sip your coffee and let these words sink in:

"The crucial detail for us to have peace in the middle of everything we face is to stay close to the Lord.

We think we want comfort in the I-don’t-know times of life. But comfort isn’t a solution to seek; rather, it’s a by-product we’ll reap when we stay close to the Lord."

I had a little bit of a heart-to-heart with family last night.  I may have even uttered words similar to these.

When I am personally faced with an unknown or my life has suddenly been ripped out from underneath me, I run to the Cross.  I find that when I seek God, His Word, and even journal my way through my disappointments in life, I heal faster, gain knowledge faster, and find small doses of comfort coming through more frequently.

We all want a quick Band-Aid to fix the wounds inflicted on us by disease, life, and even loved ones - the ones closest to us - but that doesn't solve the underlying issues.  When we stay close to the Cross, comfort comes as a by-product of that closeness.

A few of my devotionals this morning had beautiful prayers of hope tucked away inside them.  I love written out prayers; they help me verbalize words that I sometimes can't string together just right.  Sharing in my journal today to help me remember them and in case anyone reading this post will be able to apply them to their lives as well.

"Father in the name of Jesus, I pray the prayer of faith concerning [my person’s past trauma].  What he experienced in his childhood/adulthood was unfortunate and unfair. However, I know that all things work together for our good because we love you and are called according to your purpose.

Lord, I know that [my person] wants to love me as Christ loves the church and gave himself for her, but he is fighting against a force bigger than himself.  I pray that you heal every hurt and tend to every wound that he has been carrying around all his life.  Lord, show him that you are Jehovah Tsidkenu, his righteousness.  You promised to never leave or forsake him.  Even if those that were supposed to love and care for him left him alone feeling rejected, unloved, and unwanted, you never left his side.

God, I pray that he can experience your bountiful love, be healed from his past, and be elevated into the man you have chosen him to be since the beginning.  Before you formed him in the womb of his mother, you knew him; before he was born, you set him apart; you appointed him as a prophet to the nations. (Jeremiah 1:5). In Jesus' name, Amen."

"Heavenly Father, Your Word tells us in Proverbs 9:9, “Instruct the wise and they will be wiser still; teach the righteous and they will add to their learning.” When we have a teachable spirit, we will be positioned to grow even more with each experience in life. A foundation of humility leads to a teachable spirit, Lord. Undergird our minds and emotions with courage — courage not only in You but in who You have made him to be. That courage will give both humility and a teachable spirit the opportunity to flourish. Thank You for the confidence and courage You provide to all who look to You and trust You completely.

Gracious Lord, fear, insecurity, and a need to feel in control can sometimes get in the way of the ability to learn from others and from You. I pray You will give us a healthy amount of courage so these things don’t stand between us and our high calling of living with humility and a teachable heart.

Let us understand that being teachable is an honorable way to live and reflects tremendous personal significance. Help others to see our respect for them when they demonstrate humility and a teachable spirit. Help me never to withdraw my respect for people when they demonstrate a lack of humility and courage, as we are all in process. Let my respect encourage others so that they long to maintain a humble mind-set in all they do. 

In Christ’s name, amen."

While I live in between Gardens, may I always cling to the cross in times of heartbreak and recovery.  May I always heed God's Word and learn from it, gaining comfort as a by-product.  May I be an example to my loved ones, even the ones that inflicted hurt and unknowns.  May I grow every day in wisdom and a healthy fear of God.  May my life reflect my growth so that others may also lay down their life in front of the Cross when they face trouble, anxiety, hurt, death, and even the unknowns of this life - the Middle.  There is HOPE.  Always sweet hope for us as well as those around us struggling.  May it always be apparent and available to everyone in our path and to us as well.

Living Between Two Gardens - Learning to Wrestle Well

 

Rev. 21:5 - "I am making everything new! ...these words are trustworthy and true."

Learning to wrestle well.  Lysa T. says it best when she says, "...we're living between two gardens; God will make everything right."

I am sitting down this morning with my cup of coffee trying to sneak in a few minutes of reading before heading out with the girls to shop Black Friday.  It's our second year of doing this, so I guess that now makes it a tradition.

We suit up, head to Target, then grab some breakfast before hitting the next stop on our whirlwind morning of fun.  

It sometimes feels like we are between two gardens - a beginning and an end.  I'm using a poor analogy here of comparing fighting the crowds of Black Friday (a beginning of chaos) to an ending of restoration and healing (coming home "satisfied" with your purchases).  But it's all I got this morning...

Reading from Lysa's writings this morning, we are pondering the story of Adam and Eve.  Why would an Almighty God create our hearts for the perfection of living in a garden of Eden when He knows that ultimately, because of sin, we would have to leave?

To quote Lysa, "I mean, once Adam and Eve sinned, couldn’t God strip the craving for perfection out of their hearts? Yes, He certainly could have done that. But to strip out the cause of our disappointment would also rob us of the glorious hope of where we’re headed.  Remember, this is a love story, and we will never appreciate or desire the hope of our True Love if lesser loves don’t disappoint. The piercing angst of disappointment in everything on this side of eternity creates a discontent with this world and pushes us to long for God Himself — and for the place where we will finally walk in the garden with Him again."

Wow.  This totally coincides with the first devotion I read this morning talking about addicts.  How we sometimes, as Parents, have to let our children fail and face difficult circumstances in order for them to become better, to heal, and to develop character.

It's the same here.  If God strips out all of the disappointments in our lives, He would be robbing us of the HOPE ahead of us.  In order to appreciate the beauty that lies ahead, we must face disappointments, failures, and times when we will fall.

In the book of Revelation, God talks about restoration and the HOPE that lies ahead:

"Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” (Revelation 21:3–5)

Wow.

Did you catch that?  Everything on this side of Heaven is death, mourning, crying, or pain.  Those things in here on Earth, in a natural state of sin bring on human things like anxiety, sorrow, grief, depression, and so much more.

But ... how lucky are we?  This is just the "middle."

Rev. 21 teaches us that there is HOPE for the ending, and that in this middle space we are just learning to "wrestle well."  Learning to deal with all the things that sin and this world bring with it.

Lysa says it best this way, "In this restored garden of Eden the curse will be lifted and perfection will greet us like a long-lost friend. There will be no gap between our expectations and experiences. We won’t be disappointed or live disappointed. Our feelings and faith will nod in agreement. We will return to a purity of emotion where we can experience the best of our hearts working in tandem with the absolutes of truth."

There is some very deep wisdom there.  I don't know about you.  But the last 15 days have had me wrestling my expectations against my experiences.  I have been disappointed.  My feelings have been wrestling with my faith.  

I'm not sure I can even imagine a place where my heart works in tandem with truth.

"We won’t need to wrestle well, because we will be well. Whole. Complete. Assured. Secure. Certain. Victorious. And brought full circle in our understanding of truth."

I'm looking forward to that glorious day.  Right now, this morning, my heart is not in tandem with the truth.  I am very blessed to have a circle around me of wisdom and love, but I still wrestle with death, mourning, anxiety, and other things a world of sin brings to us.

As I sometimes do, I am leaving this morning with a Southern Gospel song.  I find God draws me back to my musical roots when I draw close to the Cross.  Something about these people and the music just speaks to my soul.

Enjoy the last drops of Thanksgiving 2022.  Before you know it, we will be transforming into the Christmas season.

Praying it Forward

 

Good morning readers.

I missed yesterday, but I had a very long day doing something for and inside my community so I was unable to study God's Word and journal my thoughts.

I didn't think anyone read this blog, but my "views" are increasing tremendously, so I guess someone is watching and reading.  I hope the people that click on my link are the people Jesus has carefully orchestrated to find it, no matter where you are in this big world.

I am only the vessel.  And I blog to help myself heal.  If Jesus uses my words to help you, all the praise and glory goes only to Him.

This has been an eventful 14 days for me.  I have gone from a breakup with hurt and grief and anger to a small bit of healing and hope and restoration to praying for the person that hurt me and for their eventual growth and healing as well.

Remember this:  When people hurt us, it is usually because they have been hurt first and are just lashing out at us.  I know that's what happened to me, but in that hurt, the lashing out was deeper and more hurtful than it should have been.

So, I turned here and to my walk with God.  It is so easy to move away from God when you are busy working and tending to all the other things in life that keep us so busy.  Taking time out to study God's Word, share your thoughts with Him, and pray really helps do so many things:

• It heals your heart a tad bit quicker.
• It grants you wisdom.
• It allows you to see God at work.

In the last 14 days, my prayers shifted.  Yesterday, I laid down in bed and started to pray FOR the person that hurt me.  I had prayed FOR this person before, but somehow it was different yesterday.  I always prayed for Jesus to grant this person maturity, growth, and wisdom.  To grant this person the confidence and capability to lead.

But yesterday, the devil tried to sneak into my prayer and whispered in my ear, "But what does his Mom and Sister think of you?" "What has he told them?" "You need to defend yourself!"  As I laid there, praying for my person, I saw Jesus on the Cross in my mind.

He said, "I did not defend myself, although I could have called a thousand angels to my defense."  "You need to remain still and quiet.  Do nothing."

So I did and I have.  Listen - you can't fix everyone, and you can't make everyone believe you are not less than or not mean or not selfish, as you may have been portrayed.  That's not your job.  Our job is to stick to the Cross, kneeling before an Almighty God, bringing all our thoughts before Him - all our hurts - our tears - our anger - and every other emotion.  He is ready.  His yoke is light.  Give him the burden and the reins.  Let Jesus carry you.

I love this prayer from my devotion this morning.  It so encapsulates my feelings:

"Father in the name of Jesus, I pray for my person's mind.  Your Word says to let this mind be in us which is also in you.

My person's mind has been impacted by his past in some way or another. It is impeding on his ability to love and serve you and to love me as your Word commands.  I pray that every irrational and distorted thought pattern be broken off his mind.  I pray every hurt and pain he has experienced, whether by others or self-inflicted, that he can offer forgiveness and be restored within himself.

For every unfortunate experience my person has endured, I pray that the effects of those experiences no longer dominate his mind, emotions, or will.  I pray that his mind is completely healed and restored. I pray that his mind is renewed by the blood of Jesus so he may be free to serve you and to love others.  In Jesus' name.  Amen."

I don't know if my person will ever be able to accept my apology.  I don't know if they will ever be able to extend their hand out to forgive me.  It's been 14 days and nothing but a lot of silence or replying briefly to a message I may have sent here and there.

But I know God has helped me so much these past 14 days.  I have grown, I have received phone calls and messages from people I never expected, and I have been surrounded by the love of God in ways I can never explain.

Lysa TerKeurst says this, "The disappointment that is exhausting and frustrating you? It holds the potential for so much good. But we’ll only see it as good if we trust the heart of the Giver.  You see, disappointment can be a gift from God that feels nothing like a gift at all.  But disappointment isn’t proof that God is withholding good things from us. Sometimes it’s His way of leading us Home."

Wow.  Disappointment in others and our circumstances can be a gift from God to lead us HOME.  How utterly beautiful is that?

She wraps it up like this, "...rest assured, our God loves us and is with us, even in this. He really does have everything worked out. And His plans are good even when circumstances don’t feel good."

Amen.

Keep moving forward.  Keep praying.  I am going to do that.  My hurt is far from healed.  My holiday today is immensely different than it could have been had the heart of God been offered when I failed 14 days ago.  But the blame ultimately rests on me for the falling and fail, no matter what the origin of the fail was.

I did as God's Word instructed - I apologized and asked for forgiveness, but I cannot control anyone else's actions, feelings, or thoughts.  Prayer time the last few days has shown me that it is best to rest at the foot of the Cross and let Jesus handle my life and those surrounding me.  

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone reading this.  I am thankful today for girlfriends, new friends, and old friends that speak wise counsel, listen patiently, and love earnestly.  I am thankful for a gathering today that encompasses all the people I love.  I rest in their presence today and give thanks for gifts of each of them in my life.

I hope your home and heart are filled with love as well.

Pushing Forward and Looking Inward

 

Good morning sweet readers.  I'm waking up this morning with a little bit of a headache and after a not-so-good day yesterday.

But with some items on the To Do list, I threw back the covers, scratched the puppy's head, and stumbled to the kitchen to make my coffee.

And thus, made my way back to my bedroom desk to sip and read.  Imagine my surprise when Jesus showed up and said, "Today, we are flipping this around to look at you."

"Um, what did you say Jesus?  I am the one that needs healing here.  What words can you give me today to help in the process?"

"No my child.  Today, we are going to look inward."  Insert this emoji ⏩😬

This morning, I am waking up feeling more of a peace than I have felt the last 11 days.  I feel the grace of Jesus and I actually feel like extending it outward.  At this point in my journey, I have no idea if that is the right thing to do - but I think Jesus wants me to meet people where they are, not drag them to me.

In case you are struggling, let me share today's reading with you.  I know it was intended for an outward action, but Jesus applied it to me.  I hope I am getting it and hearing Him like I should (emphasis by me):

What will happen? That’s the big worry, the great unknown: you don’t know what will happen when you finally admit that your family is in trouble. 

And when we don’t know something, we can be afraid of it. So if you have a fear of admission, you’re in great company! 

But the crazy thing is—and I’ve seen this over and over—once you admit your problem, that very same problem gets easier to live with. It’s much more work to keep your family’s secret a secret, while the benefits of admitting your family’s struggles far outweigh the hassles of tamping it down. 

For one thing, when you admit your problem, you’ll suddenly find people crawling out of the woodwork to say, “Me too!”. It’s crazy to find out how many of your coworkers, neighbors, friends, and fellow churchgoers have gone through the exact same thing. 

Admission also provides a great opportunity to learn from those who’ve been through it. Why bang your head against a wall when someone can come along and show you where the sledgehammer is? 

You’ll find the willing arms of a community of people, a network of shoulders to cry on, hands to hold, and knees to hit in prayer. 

And who couldn’t use more of that?  

Before we can come to grips with dealing with our children’s addictive propensities, we need to take a personal spiritual inventory. Once we have looked inward we can better deal with the social and cultural taboos of assisting our addictive children. Indeed, coming clean with the dirty, little family secrets is a huge step toward healing. 

I admit that I have struggled with having an addictive child while believing I “practiced what I preached.” 

When we own our shortcomings as parents, and trust God with our kids, then we are able to lay the choices of our children squarely on their backs. Then and only then can we admit that we have some family issues. 

Of course we would all do some things differently as parents, but addiction is an illness, and hiding the illness serves no purpose. It would be paramount to feeling ashamed that our offspring has cancer.

There is a tendency to refuse to admit our struggle with hurts, hang-ups, and habits. We are prone to say, “I’ve got this thing,” Sometimes God sends other people into our lives to help us see those blind spots. This is called an intervention! These are hard, painful experiences, but we must be willing to hurt someone’s feelings in order to help them. 

Even God has dealt with some of His children through interventions, like Isaiah, who said “Woe is me… I am a man of unclean lips,” or Paul: “Oh wretched man am I, who shall deliver me from the body of death,” or Peter: “Depart from me Lord for I am a sinful man.” These are men who came to face to face with their faults and admitted them after God shone upon them. 

Remember: the first step to healing is to admit that you have a problem. 

Wow.  Maybe that doesn't hit or effect everyone like it did me a few minutes ago, but I heard it loud and clear.

While I do feel a bit like Peter and Paul from my failings and fall in my relationships, I do also understand that admitting your weaknesses and failings allows others in the body of Christ to say, "We love you" and wrap their love around you.  That's what I have experienced over the past 11 days.

"Coming clean," so to speak has allowed me to breathe and say, "Here is my struggle and how it affected me."  It allowed others to say, "I struggle with that too!" It allowed my friends to say, "We love you; take my hand."  It allowed, most importantly, Jesus to say, "I love you; I hear you.  Now, here's what I need you to do going forward."

So, short and simple this morning.  Phillipians 2:3-5, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.  Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.  In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus."

I'm learning to breathe.  I'm learning to take baby steps.  I'm learning to turn myself inside out.  I've taken a lot of baby steps this weekend - driving two hours away by myself to a friend's funeral; going to a church service by myself to see a friend and her husband sing; going to one of my best friend's homes to make pizzelles with her in-laws.  Things I probably would have said NO to before and shrunk away from to stay home, where it was safe and in control.  But those baby steps came with renewed friendships, new friendships, and amazing memories.

Thank you Jesus for holding my hand and showing me the world isn't as scary as I thought it might be going out by myself.  I am so grateful for a Jesus that loves us, forgives us, and teaches us new things every day.  I can't wait to see what today has in store...

A New Day

 

Good morning my friends.

Today is not a good day mentally for me, so I will try and keep this a bit more inspirational and positive for all.

Life is always about ups and downs, and I guess today is just my down day.  Hoping that changes as the day goes on.

I came across the verse above doing one of my Bible studies this morning, and I thought, "How appropriate."

That's sort of been the story of my life the last ten days.  I thought I'd be overpowered, but one came along and then another and then still more.  My "cord of three" was not "quickly broken."

I still have my moments, like this morning.  A little down in the dumps, as the devil has his way with me and my mind wonders.  I'm trying to gain (or regain) composure to accomplish a few things while I have this "empty" day in front of me.

But God has reminded me this morning, by private messages from friends and text messages from family, that those surrounding me are fighting battles far greater and significant than mine.  A wife that has lost her husband; a husband who is fighting for his life; a daughter separated from her sick Mother by an abusive Father; a sick family member; and the list goes on.

Humbled by my own cord of three strands, but I can't be focused on me.  There are others that need me to focus on them.  God will heal my heart and restoration will come either from outside or from within.  I've spent too much time this morning letting evil overtake my mind.

And with that, let me shift gears for a second.  A sweet neighbor friend of mine shared a new Bible study with me called, "Carving out Quiet."  If you know me intimately and not as the loud and often big-mouthed Italian, you know I am an introvert.  I shared this post on fb, but then I removed it.  Figured it was all better said here than there.  Not many people grace this blog, so I feel it is a safer place rather than littering my social media feed with my ramblings.  😀

I struggle with what some might called low-grade anxiety.  I work in a nontraditional high school, and many of our students are HIGH-anxiety.  I don't possess anything like they do, but I do have some tendencies of anxiety that will cripple me if played out just right.

I've always had them.  I was a shy child, born to an extrovert Father.  It wreaked havoc on our relationship.  My Mother, on the other hand, was an extreme introvert, and it ruined their marriage.  I've tried hard to work on it and hide it.  I do pretty well with it I think - but like I just said, sometimes, if all the factors combine just right, it cripples me.  Here's the perfect example...

Rewind to about two weeks ago.  I was scheduled to attend my Partner's high school reunion.  He very specifically asked me if I wanted to go.  I said yes.  How could I not go?  What would it look like to all my friends and family if I didn't go and support him?  In my mind, they would all ask these questions and they would all go to support their own spouses and/or partners.  I also thought about how wonderfully supportive my own Partner had been throughout our relationship, and how could I not return that favor?  (To be fair, my Partner is an extreme extrovert, like my Father.  A personality I don't really understand or can transform into easily.)  So, I said yes.  I'd go to his high school reunion.

Fast forward to the day of the reunion.  I had no idea where it was, how many people were going to be there, or at what time it was.  Only the day.  And on that specific weekend, I ended up being under a lot of pressure for travel quote deadlines - one being my nephew's honeymoon - and he was texting me trying to find out what I had for him and his fiancée.  I was feeling a lot of pressure and sinking fast.

In my head, my memories were swirling back to my own high school reunion (the last one I attended) where there were 100s of people.  I remembered my spouse, at the time, standing in a corner or sitting off behind me as I laughed and talked with old friends he didn't know.  I absolutely cringe now when I see those pictures or look back.  I was so young, and I had zero empathy for him and that feeling.  Who was I?  Why did I do that?  Thank goodness for change, but I am so disappointed and embarrassed by my old self and what I did to him.

I took those feelings and those memories and put it on my Partner's high school reunion I needed to attend that weekend.  My reunion was just one class; his was going to be THREE!  My mind starting sinking, "I can't do it.  I can't do it.  I have so much pressure on me from Clients waiting on me; I won't know anyone; I will be by myself in a corner or 'fake laughing' to all their old stories."  So, I kept sinking until I sank.  I sent my Partner the money he paid for my ticket and a quick text saying I couldn't do it.  I just couldn't do people that weekend.

When you have anxiety, of any level, it is so much easier to just shrink back, lock yourself away into quiet, calm down, and regroup - regain the control your body and mind require to stay "in one piece." Forcing yourself into the situation you're dreading seems like a death sentence, even though you might arrive at your destination with the fear and anxiety melting away.

If you don't have anxiety on any kind of level, you will never understand these kind of stories or the weight they carry.  If you are an extrovert going head strong directly into every unknown, you can't know the feeling.  I'm not here to decide what is right and what is wrong.  I am just here to document and share the journey.

In that vein - I am sharing the Bible study my sweet neighbor sent me.  If you are interested in the Bible study, "Carving out the Quiet," click here.

I received my first Bible study email, and I love this paragraph it.  It resonates with me, and I feel like there is healing.  Healing in transparency, healing in admitting you fail and sometimes fall, and hope for climbing up those ladders and right out of your valley:

"Can I tell you something right up front? I'm an introvert, and because of that, one of my biggest challenges is the noise level in my home. I highly value my people, but I also highly value peace and quiet. It took me years to realize that introverts aren’t being selfish when they say they need time alone, time to just be quiet. Our personalities demand it. Actually, I think it’s safe to say our bodies themselves demand it. If I go too long in “on” mode I’ll start to develop a headache. It’s like my body—my very physical, biological, and spiritual makeup—starts to shut down and force me to get away."

Sound like you?  Do you need the quietness sometimes?  Do you put a high value on it?  Are you viewed as selfish?  If so, then maybe you too will resonate with this short Bible study, and maybe it will be a kickstart to healing and transparency for your life as well.

I've learned over the past ten days to be transparent with my "introvertness." I've learned we all can be mean and selfish, and while God implores us to work hard on those things in our character, we must also embrace that sometimes, those qualities can be misinterpreted.

Today, I am struggling.  Struggling with all the, "What ifs..." but I know there is hope for me and for all of us.  I can work on my shortcomings, but I can also understand how God made me and work on and embrace that as well.

It's the first day of Thanksgiving week my friends.  Pray for those coming into your path that need prayer - those that are sick; those that are mourning; and those that have loss of all kinds in their midst.  This world is going to be hard.  Things will not get easy until we hit the gates of Glory.  But, thankfully, we have a God that is so much bigger than all the hard things we face.

Together, our strands will not be broken.  It's Biblical!  Get those ropes out, join your strands together, and move forward in strength and unity!  Happy Monday my friends!

Strength & Anger

 

This morning, I am taking a break from my spiritual ramblings for a second.  Maybe there will be a second post later after devotionals, but I am already running late into my day after a rainy morning that kept me in bed far too long.

As some of you know and if you have been following along, you will know that I recently went through a breakup.  It's been hard, and luckily for me, I am a Christian and have a strong faith.

A faith that keeps me grounded and the rock where I can always lean when I can't hold myself up.

This breakup HURT.  This man was my forever.  The end of the road for me.  I never looked at anyone else; I never thought about looking at anyone else.  He was just IT for me.  Of course, there is always a story and more to the story, but today, I needed to journal something else out.

I woke up to this:

Yep.  ABBA.

I'm not even an ABBA fan, but there it was in my head when I woke up, and I felt different this morning.  Now, I realize breakups can change, they can be restored.  I also know that emotions run the gamut as you go through the days, weeks, and months.  To me, this time, it's like a husband's death.  Suddenly (or not), the person you shared your life with - all the ups and downs, the patterns, the traditions, and more is suddenly gone - but you're still there.

I watched the new Hallmark Christmas movie this weekend, and one of the stories in the movie was about a widow.  Each year, the couple threw a large Christmas party, and the widow was going to throw it by herself this year.  In the end, and right before the party, she sent out cancellation emails to everyone (except her daughter, who still showed up in full party regale, where they ended up with the lovely and traditional Hallmark heart-to-heart talk).

This widowed woman told her daughter when asked why was going to have the party, "This is MY LIFE!  This is what we do!"

See - when you are left alone - like after the death of a partner or spouse - you are still here, carrying on and all the traditions and things you did together are still "here" and fresh for you.  Everything is still there, and it's hard to realize they have dissolved.

So when I woke up this morning - the sadness didn't overwhelm me like it sometimes can - ABBA was in my head and I embraced it.  Made my coffee and danced around the kitchen.  In the darkness of a new morning and before the sun had peeked its head out over the eastern skyline of trees outside my kitchen windows.

And I thought, "Yes, Jesus.  This is right.  I have asked for forgiveness that has not been granted.  I have admitted my wrongs, but it was not enough."  I have to admit my partner's personality is not able to accept some things, and his lifestyle is not conducive to where we are (were) as a couple.  He is not able to fully grasp it, grow, mature, and embrace.

It's humbling, and it's sad.  But I also see family and friends of my inner circle now coming forth to say, "We see this too," (paraphrase there) - One of my friends said to me last night, after I got home from my Graduation Ceremony with the Sheriff's Office.  I said to her, "I look around and I see a HOME here.  An opportunity for love and a future.  Meals together, back porch time together, fire time together.  Kids, family.  Togetherness.  And now, it's gone."

She very simply and plainly said to me, "It's not gone.  HE LOST IT.  It's his lost that he tossed away all those things.  You still have them."

Wow.  Eye opener.

Thank you Jesus for a HOME.  For pets that feel the loss and mourn alongside me.  For a brother that had a best friend but now has to separate from him.  For best girlfriends that loved my partner fully and without any kind of negativity or judgment and because he loved them fully back without negativity or judgment.  We all feel the loss of my partner.  But we can't change who he is or the choices he makes.

It's sad, but I have to wake up this morning and thank God for ABBA (as weird as that sounds), and I have to say,

"No more carefree laughter
Silence ever after
Walking through an empty house, tears in my eyes
Here is where the story ends; this is goodbye.

Knowing me, knowing you
There is nothing we can do
Knowing me, knowing you
We just have to face it; this time, we're through.

Breaking up is never easy I know, but I have to go
Knowing me, knowing you
It's the best I can do.

Memories.  Good days; bad days
They'll be with me always
In these old, familiar rooms, children would play
Now, there's only emptiness, nothing to say

Knowing me, knowing you
There is nothing we can do
Knowing me, knowing you
We just have to face it; this time, we're through.
This time, we're through
Breaking up is never easy I know, but I have to go.

I have to go this time
I have to go this time, I know
Knowing me, knowing you 
It's the best I can do

Do I believe all of those lyrics?  Absolutely not.  I have bowed my head, asked for help and forgiveness.  I have no idea if that forgiveness will ever come.  But that is not up to me.  I have done what is required of me.  I can't make another person accept my forgiveness or take my hand when I extend it and ask for help.

You can only do you.  Keep your focus on Jesus; keep your focus on Scripture; and keep your focus on your daily walk.  Take your life minute by minute.  It's the best you can do (to quote ABBA).

Do I still love my boy?  Of course I do, but I have to focus on my life.  The one Jesus gives me, and I am so very blessed to have a calvary of girlfriends and family that circle the horses around me, protect me, give Godly wisdom, and encourage me to be the best I can be.

Here we go Tuesday.  I am ready for you.

There will always be hope in my heart for reunions and reconstructions.  Hope for forgiveness and mending and growing in intimacy.  But I also understand that may not be my path this time.  We have to let those that are not ready for growth, maturity, commitment, and intimacy grow and mature in their own timeline.  Sometimes, you are not the priority in another person's pathway.  And that's got to be okay with us (me).

Happy Tuesday my friends.  Keep the faith and keep walking one tiny baby step at a time!