Do Not Be Conformed - Romans 12

Good morning.

Taking a moment to traverse down a different path this Monday.

I received an email today that really hit home with me.  I wanted to share it directly to social media, but it's too long.  So, I'm going to share it here.

I hope it resonates with you as well.  Great points to remember, as we let our thoughts take control of us sometimes, when maybe we shouldn't.

I guess God was trying to nail down this exact point to me earlier and into my finite, small human brain, as I laid in there in bed thinking about current events and past memories. Not only did the email I'm about to share arrive in my Inbox, but Proverbs 31 Ministries - at close to the same time - posted this on their social media channels on the exact same subject:

We cannot afford to ignore, pacify or play with our detrimental thoughts. We are encouraged to destroy them. Leave no trace of evidence that they existed.

In Paul’s letter to the church at Corinth, he used aggressive language to describe how believers in Christ are to deal with our thoughts. The words “demolish” and “captive” in 2 Corinthians 10:5 illustrate the seriousness of the battle raging in our minds.

In moments when we are bullied by our thoughts, we can ask ourselves:

Is this thought supported in God’s Word?

If the thought cannot be backed by Scripture, we can ask a second question:

Is there a Scripture that refutes this thought?

This is a hard practice to adopt consistently, but I am determined to embrace Paul’s admonishment.

We do not have to be victims of our thoughts, powerless to control them. We can combat untrue thoughts with the Word of God, who has also gifted counselors, pastors and trusted friends to come alongside us if we need help along the way. We are equipped to demolish and take captive every lie that stands in opposition to the knowledge of God.

Enough said.

I should know better.  But I'm human and still in the grieving process, so I'll allow myself a little grace over this year.  Note that Paul specifically said we are to demolish and take captive our thoughts, so I'll keep pushing through these valley moments. Because he said to.

Here is a little part of the email I received this morning.  I know there are those of you out there that read my writings, and I know you are grieving and hurting.  I know there are days where there is just no escape from the thoughts of the past or how we will make it to the "future."  What does our future even look like now?  But we are just going to have to hold on and trust in a loving God.

Others may have made the decision to leave us, but God Himself said He never would.  So while your faith in humanity may have escaped you for this moment in time or your trust levels may have dropped to an all-time low, try to pin that very precise thought of GOD saying He would never leave you somewhere in the furthest corners of your mind and then cling to it for dear life.  We are going to make it friends.  I promise.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect”

(Romans 12:2).

The day may not go the way you want it to, not according to your plan. The plan to do this or do that may not be accomplished. The desire to be measured by standards of this world may not be fulfilled. But daughter, I don’t care about those things. I look to your heart. I care about the rich beauty held there, the depth of feeling and caring beyond yourself and your own desires, which only I can measure.

I have written you. I have created this heart of yours. I have created your mind and I know your personality, your will, the way you think about yourself, how you measure yourself, how you assess whether you rise or fall. And I have not made you to measure yourself. I have not made you to judge your worth. I have not made you to think so much about whether or not you are good or you are bad, you are successful or you have failed.

You are My girl. You are My daughter. You are the created one. You are created to point to Me, give honor to Me, worship Me. And because this is how you are made, this is what will bring you joy. This is the only thing that will end the striving, end the attempt to be a different person than whom I’ve created, so perfectly, so intently. 

Trying to live your life in step with the rhythm of this world rather than the way I have made you will bring exhaustion, ultimately, to your heart. Let it sing and have room to breathe and be fulfilled! My love will fill you; it will fill your heart, if you want it to. So, put your hand upon your heart. Feel the beating rhythm I have created. It is rhythm of Home, of freedom, of rescue, of a life you were designed, by My breath to live.

*Excerpt above courtesy of The Loop - Ministry for Women.

Faithfulness

 

The seventh fruit of the Spirit is faithfulness.

This is something I have been struggling with forever.  Both for myself and toward others, meaning I sometimes find it hard or difficult to be "faithful" to others but I also struggle with others being faithful to me and why that can be difficult.

Yesterday, someone slipped and told me my previous boyfriend came to church the weekend I was out of town. (There is a back story to this, but I will digress on that part.)

I realized while praying this morning that my immediate and first reaction was HOPE.  My mind had wondered to questions like, "Why was he there?" "What did my brother and sister-in-law say to him?" "Did he ask about me?" "Maybe there is some HOPE left."

And then I silently said, "God, my hope is not in man.  It is in you.  You are the ANCHOR I hold on to, not man.  If I am being honest God, my immediate and first thought was HOPE when I heard this information and that was wrong of me, but you already know my innermost thoughts and feelings, so you already knew what I felt and thought.  I will keep going forward as I have been directed and keep my eyes focused on you."

This morning, I poured my first cup of joe and then sat down to read today's devotion.  It was a late morning because I was out late last night.  I don't normally venture out much anymore, especially not late at night to concerts or out of my bubble zones.  But a close family friend had invited me to join his family on an outing and fun adventure to a little music club to see his brother - a famous (unbeknownst to me) folk singer - perform.  It was wonderful, and I thoroughly enjoyed my time with his family and visiting a new town, a new venue, and a new performer.

As I sat down to read, the study was on faithfulness.  I haven't felt much lately during my readings, and I haven't felt the Lord pushing or calling me to write.  Honestly, I have been struggling a little bit and have felt broken and lost.  (As a side note:  I am so thankful to be back with my wonderful Christian Counselor who each week gently guides me back to the center line and keeps me focused - "You are not broken or lost.  You are 100% completely normal in your grieving.  Everyone goes through this.")

So reading about faithfulness was good this morning, as I sipped the hot coffee from my new Krusty Krab mug.

I had been struggling with faithfulness, as my last partner (as you may have read here before) has huge issues with this fruit and his struggle has hugely impacted my own life the last four months.  Faithfulness is not something my circle of family and friends normally struggles with.

Coming from a big Italian family, faithfulness was never something in doubt or question.  We may have fought, but we were fiercely faithful to each other - even through times of loneliness, anger, or even unhappiness.  You worked through those emotions and came back together stronger.  Fleeing has never been an option for us.

Same holds true with my inner circle of friends.  We may ebb and flow and move in and out of crossing paths, but we always remain faithful to each other, coming back together to support and love each other through the hard times, the difficult times, or even disagreements we might have with each other.

Today's devotion verse, Hebrews 10:23 says, "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.

That hit me deep and hard.

Let us hold fast.  Hold fast.  Cling to.  The confession of our HOPE without wavering.  For HE who promised is faithful.

When we cling to something, or hold fast, we are anchoring on something - like a belief or a principle.  Something so deep down in our soul, we can't be pried from it.

It's not hope in a person like I briefly held onto yesterday.  It's something so much more.  Something more profound and real.  Something deep down in our soul.

When our HOPE is in Jesus, we are secure.  Something that worldly hope cannot provide.  Hope in man will fail you, eventually at some point.  HOPE in Jesus does not waver because He has promised us He would be faithful.

God's faithfulness - and this seventh fruit of the Spirit - is seen throughout Scripture.  We can read examples of it in story after story.  We can look at our own lives and see where the fruit has been produced within us and for us.  God is faithful.  He will never leave you or forsake you.

My walk with Jesus the past four months has been life changing.  Through the heartbreak of unfaithfulness, I have been anchored to - held fast to - my HOPE, a Savior that has unending faithfulness to me and that produces fruit in my life.

And I know He will always be faithful because Scripture says He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Today - this morning - is a great time to place your faith in Jesus.  He is our anchor that we hold fast to.  He will never leave you, so there is no fear in trusting Him or relaxing in your relationship with Him.  There is no fear of hurting His feelings or you not being enough for Him or even you being responsible for filling up his emotional love tank.

He is the same for us today as He was yesterday, and He will be the same for us tomorrow as He is today.

Go ahead and put your trust and faith in Jesus.  Biblical HOPE is so much greater and more powerful than worldly "hope."  Give Jesus your heart and your life.  I promise you will never look back or be the same again.

Let's end today's writing with these exact words put into a beautiful, blessed song from the very gifted singer and songwriter Cody Carnes:

Escaping the Black Hole

 

The one thing I try to be in my writing is transparent.

I have a few cheerleaders out there that read this blog religiously, and I am thankful for them.

They tell me when to stop and when to keep going.  They are wonderful encouragers to me - both in my writing here and in my personal life.

I couldn't make it through this dark period without them.  They make me laugh, they hold my hand, and they love well.  In reality, we do this for each other, and I love them for it.

In the interest of transparency, I want to write about the infamous black hole.  I have several friends that have either been in it or are teetering dangerously close to the edge at the moment.  It is a scary place where your emotions, mind, and body all meet together to crash and burn.

It paralyzes you.  It smothers you.  It throws your mind into conflicting places, your body into physical pangs, and your emotions into high gear.  I have found the best way to escape it is to just sleep through it, praying as the hours slip quietly by, and asking God to send His peace and help heal the hurt. 

This weekend, I had to do all of those things.

Sometimes grief - no matter how big or how small - envelops you when you least expect it.  It sneaks in like a thief in the night, stealing your joy and peace.

It has been 13 weeks since I sent "that" short text to my ex. A passive-aggressive cry for help in dealing with the continual hurt and eventual fallouts from his journey through enmeshment.

It was a silent plea to be rescued.  To be the most important person in his life.  To be the one he valued most.  To stop being second to a family embroiled in co-dependency and the disease of addiction.

I was tired of wrestling.  I was tired of being "the other woman."

My ex was struggling through mental and emotional battles over loving me and making a full-time commitment versus still serving his family and parents, as well as not betraying them by "leaving."

I asked for a short break - a minute - to gather and study my emotions...

This battle had been waging for at least the last three years of our relationship.  I craved a permanent future with the person I loved.  A chance to create new life together, blend families, and serve our communities.  But it seemed like my ex was always at ease with the balancing act of going between the home we were creating and his parents home.  Never fully committing to a permanent future with me, creating a new life together, or blending our families.  Every time he left the home we were creating to head back to his parents, I would close the front door to turn around and face an empty home again.  A home so full of promise but yet, so utterly void of presence.

Over the years, the constant abandonment of our dreams to a chain of enmeshment started to overshadow most other things.  The pain grew deeper with each departure.  Couple my growing disappointment in any future, concrete plans with my newly-discovered medical condition, and on September 27, 2023, I finally snapped.  It was one departure too many, and the one that finally crossed a proverbial line in the sand.

We had just arrived back at my house (our "home") from a week in Gatlinburg, TN, and glamping at Greenbrier Campground.

It was a beautiful week.  Perfect weather, perfect company, and a wonderful destination.

Gatlinburg and the Great Smoky Mountains National Park have slowly, over time, become my favorite place to visit.  I absolutely love it there.

Our getaway had been slower-paced; full of beautiful, idyllic scenery; and included an opportunity to stay at one of the brand new cabins at Greenbrier Campground.  We had a wonderful trip full of adventure, trail walks, and new places to eat.

I loved being there, and I especially loved being alone with David.  David and I were normally always in sync, enjoying many of the same things and the company of each other.  I couldn't imagine taking this trip with anyone else.  We even discussed renting two of these new cabins for Thanksgiving with David's family.  I had no idea what was actually waiting in the future for us...

This trip was the first in a while we'd traveled anywhere alone. I kept thinking, "This would be a perfect place to finally propose."  It seemed to be Heaven on earth for both of us.

But let's first backtrack for a quick second.  I met David five years ago.  I knew when we met in person for the first time at the little Dunkin' Donuts in Dahlonega that God had created him for me.

They say love at first sight doesn't exist, but when I left Dahlonega that day, I was sure my future had arrived.

But I digress, and now, let's head back to reality.

As our time in Gatlinburg and the Great Smoky Mountains ended, we arrived back to my house. David unloaded the suitcases and plastic bins from the car and then went to lie down on the sofa to rest.

Once the suitcases and bins were in the house, I started unpacking everything, began a load of laundry, and put away anything else we had taken with us on vacation.

As soon as everything was put away, I went to lie down as well.  We were both tired, and lying down seemed a good idea before contemplating dinner in a few hours.  (A dinner that was never coming.)

Within 15 minutes of arriving back at my house, David came to me and said he was going "home." 

The words shot through me like a bullet to my heart.  Home?  I thought we were home.

I immediately thought to myself, "Here we go again."  My soul was downcast, and the all-too-familiar pang of loneliness set in.  Not even a perfect week away together could break the enmeshment of a family trapped within the evils of addiction.

I couldn't bring myself to make eye contact with David.  I couldn't break the gaze off my cell phone.  I kept scrolling through social media feeds with no actual idea what I was even looking at.

I tried to hold back the tears.  I knew the routine and the pecking order.  It was Wednesday - the West family's traditional "family night," and David had apparently arranged for getting his son that evening and didn't tell me.  In the meantime, his real family was waiting for him to arrive for dinner.

Heartbreak one more time.  Second in David's eyes and heart one more time.

Family night could have been rescheduled for Thursday night (the next evening), but instead, we were rushed home so that David could have his traditional night at home with both his Mom and son.

I wasn't told beforehand about the plan, nor was I invited to be a part of their family evening together.

In one sentence and in one fell swoop, David had fallen from leading a household to reverting back to a son being taken care of.  He had returned to his childhood home and to a Mother's arms.  Dinner was waiting as well as his teenage son.

It was crushing.

Maybe it wasn't the intention, but it felt like David could not wait to leave me and get back to his parents and son, again.

When do the scales tip to the point of a grown man leaving his parents and being a "son" to him maturing and becoming a leader and head of his own household?  The answer seemed like never.

I started to think, "Where exactly is home for David?  Was it here - in a house I've lived in for 23 years and offered to David to also live in as well?  Was it a house that my family and I offered to refinance and put David's name on the mortgage so he could have a part in owning a piece of the property he had invested so much time and effort into?  Was it a home where we have completed so many upgrades and projects or where we were in the middle of a few new projects to complete for future enjoyment together?  Was it a home we had future plans to eventually sell and use the funds to build our own home in Dahlonega? Was it a house that had become a home and meant so much to me because it contained the people I loved and a future so promising?"

"Or was his home in Dahlonega?  A place where he still lived in a family, basement apartment, that was offered as a landing spot after getting divorced so many years ago?  A place where Mom and Dad lived only a few miles away?  A town where one foot seemed to be kept in at all times?  A place that had to be gotten back to so quickly so that everyone could be 'kept happy?'"

I have since discovered through Christian Counseling the word home had become a trigger word for me.  It's no wonder...With no advancement toward a permanent future and a constant running back to his hometown, home had come to trigger loneliness, sadness, and abandonment to me.

It no longer held the hope and joy it once did with David.  I had to finally realize, after five years, that I was not enough for David.  I was not enough to break the chains of enmeshment his family held.  I was not enough to spark David to leave his hometown or to begin a new chapter in life.

It felt like I had become the other woman in an adulterous relationship with David.  Life was good when David was at my house, but it was hard when he closed the door and left for the other woman in our relationship - his Mother.

David had grown comfortable with running between and maintaining the two "homes."  He was a great boyfriend, but my family and I had come to realize that a boyfriend was all we could ever hope to see from him.  David was mentally, emotionally, and physically unable to break the chains of enmeshment formed from his family's addiction issues.

And on top of all these things, the enmeshment produced side effects as well.

David had begun to grow disappointed in my attending events with him in Dahlonega.  He began to question my commitment to him, and his hurt toward me began to grow.  The people pleaser in him played well into the chains of enmeshment and alcohol addiction.  

He never (or rarely) shared his feelings with me or allowed us to work through them; thus, his isolation from me grew in one direction, as the closeness to his family grew in the opposite direction.  

To be honest, it had been getting harder and harder for me to attend things with David. I knew he wanted me to be in Dahlonega more often and to attend more events and family events with him. I wanted to be with there too, enjoying all the things he was doing and wanted to do.  I missed going to those things with him.  I missed spending time with him.  He was my best friend.  

But working a full-time job plus two part-time jobs coupled with the responsibility of taking care of a home requires a lot of time and attention. I have a three-story home and a one-acre yard that need taking care of.  I don't always have the liberty to spend my free time playing.  Most weekends, during the warm seasons, are spent trying to play catch up at home.

And on top of life responsibilities, it was also during this time I found out all three of my major hormones had become depleted.  If you are familiar at all with hormone depletion, you know it changes who you are as a person - mentally, emotionally, and of course - physically.

Hormone depletion causes you to become more withdrawn and more unfriendly (to put it kindly).  It changes your personality, as the chemistry in you changes.  It is no joke, and sadly, most women don't understand they don't have to live with it.  (Side note:  Check out this amazing reference on bioidentical hormone replacement therapy - Suzanne Somer's book, Ageless.)

I didn't know it at the time, but my tight schedule coupled with my complete hormone depletion meant I was drowning.  I needed David to throw me a life preserver, but neither one of us knew that at the time.

So when David told me he was going "home" that evening, my heart deflated and then collapsed. A line had been crossed, and I wasn't sure how to return back over it.

This brings us back full circle to the black hole...A place I found myself after this life event and where you might be finding yourself right now.

One thing I have learned through my journey of loving someone as deeply and as long as I loved David, combined with the eventual fact of then losing them, is that you must always be mindful of the devil and the traps he lays out for us.

If you're not careful and don't keep your eyes on the Lord, Satan will silently lead you into the black hole.  He has it sitting out there, waiting for you to fall into.  Waiting to destroy you.  He lives for moments like this in our lives.

Satan is not a fan of happiness, joy, positivity, or happy endings.  He is always on the prowl to devour those of us focused on God, our faith, and walking in Jesus' light.

Scripture tells us he waits for us, roaming the earth as a lion looking for his next prey.  He wants you to take your eyes off Jesus and and focus them onto yourself, your pain, and your loss.  This is where he excels and where he hopes to lead you into your self-destruction.

The deviations began in the Garden of Eden, the beginning of time - with the first two humans God created.  He finds our weak spots and then he pounces.

Hurting?  Feeling lonely?  Feeling used and unimportant? He uses the same tricks and schemes today that he used with Adam and Eve to keep us in his - and our own - personal pit of hell.  A pit of crying, heartbreak, and pain.  If he can't take us to hell with him, he will do his very best to make our life here on earth miserable.

I fell captive to the devil's plan this weekend.  My heart was still hurting from David's decision to end and walk out of our five-year relationship.  Satan used my emotions of hurting, feeling second best, rejection, and abandonment to capture and torture me.  I blindly walked right into my own black hole.

And sadly, I believe David also fell prey to the devil's lies and whispers, "Come over here.  Your happiness counts.  Your happiness matters.  Look at her.  She is selfish and uses you.  She doesn't care about you.  Stop trying to make everyone happy.  Focus on yourself.  Walk away from the struggle between her and your family.  You matter.  I can give you peace.  Come over here where it is calm and there is no fight for your time.  Where you can do the things you want and you can find yourself again."

The devil will always use his best tricks to trap you and pull you away from the gifts of God.

I believe he succeeded and won another battle when he lured David away.

It may seem you can't get out of your black hole at the time of your entrapment.  I think I either laid in my bed or on the couch all day Saturday and most of the day Sunday.  I barely ate, had no appetite, and certainly had no motivation to do anything.  

But God.  Don't ever discredit God.  Remember, HE is the winner, not Satan.  Always and forever.

God showed up and gave me the rescue I so desperately needed at my lowest point.

I am so thankful for friends and family members, as I said at the beginning of this post, who stepped in on Sunday evening and rescued me out of Satan's trap of personal pain.  They wouldn't take no as an answer and showed up, spent the night, and listened while gently guiding me back to reality and out of the black hole.

Friends, relationships are hard.  As I walk through the pain of losing my best friend, I know there are a host of other friends suffering similar fates.

It is sometimes hard to comprehend, when we are so deeply invested and secure in a relationship of many years, maybe even one we think is our permanent future, that Satan can come in and destroy what two people have created - and seemingly so easy.

Sometimes, the vows we take and the words we say just don't stick.  People are human.  God has given each of us free will, and sometimes, people will choose themselves or an easy way out to escape hurt.

Sometimes, it seems putting in the hard work, communicating, or even praying together is just too much of an effort.  Satan is very good at what he does.  Never forget that.

He can take loving people and change them overnight.  He can take your period of sickness and turn it around, making you appear selfish or self-centered.  He can take feelings of loneliness and hurt and create mental blocks that appear too great to overcome.  He can create chains of enmeshment from family addictions and taint your view on reality and devotions.

He is the expert at taking your eyes off Jesus and putting them on yourself.

This weekend, the black hole was waiting for me.  I fell prey to it.  And, I will tell you - once you are in this hole of depression and entrapment, it is a tough one to climb back out of.  But it is something you must walk through.  Do what you have to do to survive it and climb back out.  Because when you come out the other side, Jesus is waiting for you!  

Reach your hand up and out.  Jesus is reaching down to pull you out.  He is always there to rescue you.  Never forget that.

I was blessed this weekend to have my second Mother's intuition kick in and have her come visit me, spending the night.  She wouldn't take no for an answer and showed up ready to listen, eat, watch tv, and dispense wisdom.  Her visit pulled me out of the grave this weekend.

Need some "out of the grave" motivation?  Click the video below to life your spirit high and give God the glory for His great love for you:

The black hole was not fun; it was painful. A place I do not wish to visit again.

Yes, I miss David.  Yes, I still love him, but until God, the divine Potter, can sculpt His clay, I will have to step back and wait. 

I believe God has work to do with David.  Chains of enmeshment to break, lessons on granting and accepting forgiveness, and the instillment of a growing and strong maturity to enable him to leave home and his parents and to walk into a new role of leadership and creating new life.

Relationships only survive because two people can fluidly move apart and still remain together.

There must be room for hurt and anger, always returning to a common, middle ground and to each other with love and support.  There is no running away, blaming, or excuses.  We must be open to the people in our lives - offering forgiveness, admitting our wrongs when necessary, and accepting others forgiveness as well!

Don't hide in a corner, believe the devil's lies, or run away to eliminate your hurt so you can "be happy."  Follow Jesus' teachings and dig in deep, seek help, and pray and work through things together.  Don't give the enemy a seat at your table!

One last thing to wrap up this long post...

This weekend, I heard Neil Patrick Harris say something that struck a chord with me.  He said - when asked how he believes relationships can last so long - "Relationships ebb and flow.  If you go in thinking a relationship is going to be static and flow in one direction, that it will always stay in that form, you will fail.  Relationships go in an out; they expand and go different ways, but you always come back to each other with humor and love.  That's how relationships survive."

*My prayer this morning, friends, is that those around me who are hurting will stay out of their own, personal black hole hells.  That they will not turn to alcohol or drugs, but will - instead - turn to Jesus, even when He is silent and it feels like He is not there.  Sleep through it; eat through it; drink coffee through it.  Do whatever you need to do to come out on the other side alive and healthy.  Jesus is waiting!

*My prayer is that God will continue to keep David's heart pliable, both toward Him and now toward me and our relationship with each other as well.  I pray that one day David will join me in counseling and work through the very serious issue of enmeshment his family is entangled in.

*My prayer is for anyone reading this today that is struggling with grief, loss, separation, or divorce.  That you will avoid the black hole or if you are in it now, you will make it out to the other side in one piece - healthy and alive.  The black hole is no joke!

As always, if you need help or prayer, please reach out to me personally or leave a comment below.  I am transparent with my life because I know there are so many other people out there suffering alone, on the inside - no matter what you may say or do on the outside.  (I had to learn that lesson from my 24-year old son this week, who was proved right on Christmas Eve!)

"Dear Jesus, those of us that are broken on the inside are reaching out to you today, this morning.  We love you God.  We acknowledge you as the one true God.  There are no others beside you, above, or below you.  You are the triune God.  Three in one, and we worship you.

We ask for forgiveness of all our sins.  Those we are aware of and those we are not.  We ask forgiveness for hurting those we love and for doing things that do not bring You glory and honor.  May we learn from our past mistakes and use them to craft better experiences in the future.

Lord, I pray that my actions in the past might be forgiven and that others may learn through my mistakes.  I pray that no matter what I say on the outside to others or what advice others may give (family members, friends, etc.), I always look to You as the final word.  No matter what I say on the outside, I pray you know me on the inside and that those thoughts, feelings, and words triumph and prevail.  Help me to be a good example of You and your Word, although I admittedly fail daily.

Help those that may be hurt or angry with me from my past words or actions reach out to me to express forgiveness or maybe even do that privately in their own thoughts and prayers to you Lord.  May I do better in the future Lord.

Lord, thank you for all the many, many blessings you have bestowed upon me.  My children, my brother, my sister-in-law, my friends, my family, and everything else surrounding me.  Thank you for a home to rest and recuperate in; hot and cold water; utilities; clothing; food; and a job I absolutely love with the very best coworkers.  I am truly blessed despite anything the devil might throw my way.

I love you Lord.  Please continue to heal and show me how best to serve those around me crossing my paths. Amen."

 

 

Fruit of the Spirit: Patience

 

This was one of the first things I read this morning:

"Take time today to journal or reflect with God on what you’re waiting for. Be honest and vulnerable with Him about how you feel and why. He wants to hear your cries and hold your heart, so surrender to Him and think about how you can wait patiently in trust instead of impatiently in fear.

Sigh.  

Yesterday evening and through the night were hard.  Sometimes, the devil just attacks when you least expect or want him to.

This morning, I woke up with a prayerful mind and to a conversation from one of my two prayer partners waiting for me.

I met Bob a few years ago.  Although we have never met in person, Bob and I have grown to become very close and to love each other.  We walk each other through the valleys and celebrate each other's praise moments.

I have come to depend on Bob, and he knows this.

I was so happy when I woke up this morning and found Bob waiting on me.  Of course, he didn't know last night was hard for me or that I had come under attack, but he was there to listen - as I was for him - as he shared his day's events with me as well.

One of the last things I said to Bob this morning was, "Oh great.  Today's lesson starts a teaching on the Fruit of the Spirit - Patience.  Why did God save that lesson for today? Sigh."

I knew this was no accident.  God's plan(s) for our lives are no accident.  He had this series scheduled right on time.

I am at a point now in my relationship journey when I am learning to accept what has been handed to me.  I am trying to forgive my ex-Partner for some of his acts against me and to love him despite what he became inside our relationship at the end.

I am trying to actively not fill the "David hole" (the hole David left inside my life and heart) with anyone else.  I'm not looking for that, and I don't want a "quick fix."

I want the "David hole" to be filled with Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and the love of God.

But it's SO not easy.  

Right now, I am trying very hard to not displace feelings of friendship into this "David hole."  Mainly because I want the next person that God gifts me to be their own person and not just a mere filler.  I want the next person to do the pursuing and be a true gift from God.

I'm not a "show me a sign God" kind of person, but over the past few weeks, I have given God this task.  I'm sure He laughed when I presented this option to Him and each time after that when I've reminded Him what I need from Him in order to move forward and be a "success."

I've asked Him to "give me a sign" (a very specific sign and set of words) to know if something is right and from Him.  Apparently, I have trust issues with God (and probably myself if I'm being honest) and thus, the study on patience shows up right on time...

Yes, I am fully aware you do not give the Almighty God of the Universe commands or tell Him what to do - but as I learned this morning, PATIENCE - the fourth Fruit of the Spirit - also comes with a healthy dose of fear.  Fear pushes us to ask for concrete evidence so we don't keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

We've gotten so accustomed in this day of technology for instant gratification, we are afraid when God doesn't answer us immediately (or at all) that we won't get the answer we are looking for or maybe He has forgotten or not heard us.

And I don't want to trip and fall - again.  I am tired of relationships with broken people - people that are addicted to pornography, people that have an unhealthy attachment to their child, or people that are nestled within a family of addiction and aren't strong or healthy enough to break through the enmeshment.

I don't want to learn about patience Lord.  I just want the "David hole" healed and the roller coaster of emotions to stop.

And I don't need to misplace any tiny feelings I'm having right now into that cavernous hole.  I need to first find out what God is or isn't sending along.

Are these tiny, small feelings from God or are they human in nature trying to fill a hole left behind by another person?  I need to be secure in knowing who God is bringing into my life right now.  I need any beginnings to be built on a healthy foundation of God's love and permission.

Human nature makes it so hard to practice this Fruit of the Spirit.  Patience is hard.

We must learn to daily surrender what we are craving and longing for - whether it is a Godly relationship, a new job, or healing.  God operates on His own schedule, and His wisdom will always be greater than our own.

I read this a little while ago, and it just struck me for this moment in my life:

"We cannot possibly live this life for God if we don’t keep our eyes on Him, which is why the word used for wait here has also been translated to hope and trust. Waiting is intrinsically connected to trust and hope. When we wait on someone, the reason we can wait is because we trust they will show up or come through. When we hope in something, we’re waiting with expectation and anticipation because we trust in whatever or whoever we’re hoping for. Therefore, the way we wait matters. If we wait impatiently and with a restless heart, then we’re not waiting with faith and trust in God. If we wait patiently, we wait with a peace that transcends all understanding because we know and trust the God who ultimately holds the whole world, including us, in His hands.

On our own, impatience and frustration in waiting is our innate reaction. With the Holy Spirit dwelling in us, waiting patiently and with trust becomes more natural. We will never be perfect in this, but we will begin to recognize more quickly that we must daily surrender and commit our trust to the Lord. And as we continually wait on the Lord, He will give us strength to walk, run, and soar without growing faint or weary!"

Filling the hole left from David is challenging.  I am definitely struggling.  My human nature and my human heart want back what I lost - a loving relationship, a comfortable relationship, and a person to do life with.  But my Spirit nature and my Spirit heart know that God did what was best for me.

David was incapable of providing what I needed, and God needs to work on David to heal and free him from the enmeshment of addiction.  That's something only God can do.  I can't.

My human heart wants to fill the hole David created and left, but I know because I am a Christian and am filled with the Holy Spirit, I have to be patient - wait, hope, and trust - that God is working.  I can't misplace feelings I might be starting to feel right now into David's hole of emptiness - that would be a disaster.

So, I wait - and I ask God to help decipher my situations.  I'm not sure God will abide with my request, but I also don't want to be that person sitting on the roof of their flooded house missing all the open doors God has sent to rescue me.

If God sends someone along, that I am at least allowed an opportunity to "peek behind the curtain" with, I hope I am able to identify any signs God provides.  I pray that the next person God opens a door towards getting to know better can give clear directives so I don't miss them.

Right now, until that person comes along or is brave enough to speak, I pray God reminds me daily that the "David hole" has to be filled with Him and the peace of the Holy Spirit.

I really don't want to start this new series learning about patience, but I figure God knows what He is doing.  He knows it was time.

Yesterday evening and last night were hard.  I need to let go of some things.  I need to exercise patience (something I have never been any good at).  And I need to wait on God to provide the sign I've requested and am waiting on.

I love this prayer from my study this morning.  It really reflects the heart we should be striving to obtain:

"Father, I know You are trustworthy, but living in that is not always easy. Today, I surrender all these things occupying my heart and mind to You because You already hold them and know them. I want to walk in patience and trust instead of impatience and fear, so I ask You Holy Spirit for help. I will wait on You because You promise to strengthen me and answer me. You have my best interest in mind. I love You and trust you! Amen."

I pray this prayer helps you this morning.  I'm going to copy and paste it into my daily thoughts journal.  I want - no, I need to reflect upon it constantly.

My prayer is that our Heavenly Father will help us gain more patience in our quests for the things we are seeking.  That we surrender all our thoughts and emotions to HIM.  May we not misplace humanly feelings for things and people to a place where we are empty and think need filling.  May we wait patiently on God and trust Him to remove impatience, and in the event, He does bring the things we feel and desire into our pathways and lives - may He give us the intellect to recognize them and accept them as the good and perfect gifts they are.

I don't want to be wrong again.  I want to have full trust and patience in a God that is perfect and only desires perfect things for me.

My past has shown I am not always a good judge of choices, neither by or for myself.  This time, God, grant me the patience to hear you, listen for you, and wait for the perfect gift to come.

I love you Lord, and I surrender my heart to you today.  Please protect it.  Please guard it.  And please let it only open to those you are giving to me.

In Jesus name, amen!

Loving Judas

 

Billy Graham said, "In the midst of sorrow and trouble, this life has many blessings and enjoyments which have come from the hand of God. Even our capacity for love is a gift from God."  He went on to pray, "Give me a generous heart, Father, that does not grudgingly give back to You all that is rightfully Yours."

The past three months have not been easy in my household.  Not only have I been trying to traverse through heartbreak and losing the person I thought was my soulmate and forever partner, but my son and even my pets have had their obstacles through the breakup as well.

Despite being in the midst of this "sorrow and trouble" period, one thing I have learned over the last 12 weeks is the lesson of counting your blessings.

My prayer partners were quick to tell me, at the beginning of this valley period, that I needed to start counting off, out loud, my many blessings any time I felt sad, heartbroken, or losing hope.

As Billy Graham quoted above, I can concur that counting off your blessings immediately changes your countenance.  All our blessings come from the hand of God, even our capacity to love is a gift from Him.

Through the entire period of my heartbreak, even as recent as this morning, I have still been able to pray for David.  I pray that God keeps him safe and protects him.  I pray for strongholds to be let loose, and I pray for a renewed heart turned back toward God.

This capacity to LOVE someone in our path, who does not love us, comes directly from God.  It is not something we, as humans, are inherently able to produce on our own.  It is beyond our nature to love our enemies.  

This gift of loving those who do not love us bestows upon us an incredible amount of FREEDOM.  A freedom that surpasses any of our own understanding.  It frees us from the devil's chains of anger, hurt, and frustration while at the same time liberates us to love others through God's love.

The capacity to be able to forgive people that have hurt us, left us, or even spoke untruths against us is immeasurable.

I love that Billy Graham then ends with a prayer that includes, "Give me a generous heart Father..."

I want to echo Billy Graham and the prayer he prays.  I want to strive to be that person.  I want to embrace positivity, joy, and happiness in my daily life and in my daily interactions with people.  I want to manifest the Fruits of the Spirit.

And I never (ever) want to forget what Jesus did for me, especially during this Season in which we celebrate His birth.

Because of what Jesus did for me, I am able to love Judas and not just Jesus.

Here's a little something I read today:

"Do you need to forgive someone? Love empowers you to do that. Do you need to exercise humility? Love gives you what you need to do that. Do you need to exercise integrity, mercy, patience, or gentleness towards someone? Love makes it all happen! There’s nothing good that love can’t enable us to accomplish. Above all these things, look to love and allow it to be all sufficient at all times!"

I am so thankful that even in times of sorrow and trouble, I serve a God that has placed His Holy Spirit within me - that although I am human and will always fall short and many times fail at His commands - I am secure enough in my salvation and personal relationship with Jesus to love those that may come against me.

My faith has sustained me, and I can't imagine living in this world or through these valleys without it or Him.

"Lord, I acknowledge my deep need for Your love in my life to enable me to be and behave as You call me to. I ask for a mighty filling from Your Spirit of Your love and ask that You lead me in how I am to exercise it. Thank You for giving me all I need as I need it through Your love. Amen."

PEACE: The Third Fruit of the Spirit

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.” (Isaiah 26:3)

I wondered what I was going to write today.

God has given me nothing for a few days.

Yesterday afternoon was hard.  Like really hard.

I let my thoughts derail back to David, and I know better.  The devil tried that earlier in the day, and I was able to quickly take back control. It was amazing to witness his defeat.

But I was tired later in the afternoon.  I had gotten up early to read and head to church and I had a cookie party to attend.  By the time I finally got back home, it was after 4, and I was tired.

I've come to learn that when I am tired, it is the perfect opportunity for Satan and his minions to attack.  That's when my Shield of Faith gets lowered and leaves my mind and emotions open to manipulation.

I let my thoughts drift back to memories - a dangerous area.  To a David that used to exist.  Times spent, intimate moments only the two of us shared, holidays and trips.

Satan quickly removed any confidence or joy I had at church earlier in the day.

I ended the day watching my Dallas Cowboys get demolished and embarrassed in Buffalo and watching the 1938 (my favorite) version of A Christmas Carol on Max TV.

As you can imagine, I went to bed and dreamed of David all night.  Wow, what a bummer and only deepening the sadness of the season.

But God.

This morning, I woke up with a gentle prompting from God to pray (once again) for David.  So, I did.  Same prayers as always.  Knelt quietly by my bed as Tank watched, and I prayed for David.

I prayed for a pliable heart.  For God to let loose of the evil forces impressing upon David's heart - demons of fear, anger, and hurt.  I prayed for God to turn David's glance back over his shoulder instead of away and locked in an ivory tower of false peace, false happiness, and false security.

The devil really has a hold on David right now, and I will continue to pray FOR him as God leads me.

True - TRUE - JOY only comes from the PEACE of God and knowing GOD as our Lord and Savior.  JOY and happiness do not come from eliminating the hurts and fears in our lives.  That is the devil's trick to keep you FROM God and knowing His Spirit and His true JOY.

Only God can heal your hurts, your fears, and your anger.  The Bible tells us Satan is the FATHER of all those things, and when you give in to him, he wins the battle.

And then, as I sat down to read this morning with my (first!) cup of coffee - I learned more about the third Fruit of the Spirit -- PEACE.

Imagine that!  God is always on time!

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you." (Isaiah 26:3)

I am claiming that Bible verse over my life & my valleys today.

God will keep me in PERFECT PEACE because my mind is steadfast and I trust in only You, oh Lord!

I am also going to be praying that verse over the growing list (taped to my laptop keyboard) of women in my life who do not have that PERFECT PEACE right now because they have lost (or are losing) their loved one(s).

I am redirecting my thoughts back to where they should be, not on David and what I am missing but back to the Throne of God who will provide PERFECT PEACE.

I will continue to pray FOR David, and I hope that one day God will allow the Holy Spirit to break through the hard shell the devil has encased his heart within.  I pray that God will allow David's glance to return to the cross where hurts, fears, and anger can all be given to Him, where forgiveness can be given and accepted, and where the true JOY of God can permeate through and light up David's heart once again.

David is not my cross nor my Savior.  Jesus is, and as much as I love David and what we have shared for the past five years, I cannot replace Jesus with David.

I have to keep Jesus at the forefront of my thoughts because I need to manifest the Fruits of the Spirit in my life daily. I want to obtain LOVE, JOY, & PEACE, always.  Therefore, I must keep my gaze on Jesus.

The devil may have won the battle over David's heart and mind, but he will not win mine.  One heart won is one heart too many.

My prayers for David's release will continue as long as the Lord prompts me.  My hurt over David's abandonment will always be laid at the Throne of God, and I will always trust God to do what is best for me and to take care of me.

Below is a little bit of my reading from today.  If you are struggling with memories of a lost loved one in your life, I pray the Scripture above and learning about the third Fruit of the Spirit (Peace) will help YOU this morning, as it did me.

May this season of hope and light be filled with both of those things for all of us.  I know my little prayer list is growing. I am praying for myself and for all the women on it.

I pray we are not lonely, sad, or depressed over the next two weeks.  May we feel God in our presence daily and even hour by hour.  May we feel the love He freely gives us.  May our days be filled with adventures and the people we love and who love us unconditionally in return.  Amen.

"If you google the definition of peace, you will see a few different definitions. Some define it as the absence of turmoil. Some describe it as tranquility, calmness, and restfulness, and others describe it as a lack of war. Within Scripture; however, the word peace is tied to harmony and wholeness.

The Hebrew word for peace, shalom, is the word used in this passage. It’s being used to refer to people’s wellbeing and completeness. Therefore, when Isaiah writes that God will keep those who trust in Him in perfect shalom, he literally means that God will make them complete and keep them whole!

Think about a time in your life where you felt like you were not whole. It’s not a feeling we normally talk about, but it affects us more than we realize. I think about the daily tactics the enemy uses to make us live in a state of incompleteness. For example, for me personally, a state of not living in wholeness is when I’m so consumed with work or school that I’m overwhelmed by stress and anxiety. This is often the result of me shifting my trust from God to myself and forgetting that He equips and provides for me always. I’m not living in the wholeness He has to offer because the stress and anxiety prevent me from embracing God’s shalom.

In today’s Scripture, Isaiah reminds us of God’s promise to keep us in perfect peace when we trust in Him. The decision to trust someone is a decision we must make daily. This is what God’s peace grants us: the ability to live in wholeness because we trust in God—the only one who can truly make us whole. I hope that today, you can trust in God and begin to walk in shalom.

Jesus, You are my Prince of Peace. You are the only one who completes me and makes me whole. You have redeemed me from my brokenness. Help me to daily commit my life into Your hands. It’s hard to live in Your shalom because I still struggle with my own imperfections and the world’s darkness, but I know You are faithful. I surrender to You again today. I receive Your perfect peace, Your wholeness, Your restoration, Your shalom. Thank You! Amen.

But God: