I woke up this morning thinking about a friend of mine, maybe even two of them. How they took me from a place of sadness, held my hand, and helped me heal. Brought me to this current day, where happiness has returned and MAYBE I'm starting to find and see ME again.
I reflected back on things one of those friends said to me, as I compared and belittled my grief to his, a widow of four years. He encouraged me not to belittle or bury my grief or compare it to others.
He said, "Pain is pain." When I said, "Why am I struggling so much? Why did a broken heart hurt so much? Why did it dismantle me?" He said, "FIVE YEARS. It was FIVE YEARS. Give yourself some grace."
As I sent a Good Morning text to that friend this morning, I reflected back on these moments and what he has grown to mean to me. How our friendship has grown and blossomed. How we talked through our own personal valleys, as well as valleys we experienced together and yet, kept going forward.
My heart warmed as I thought about the journey.
And then I opened my laptop to read this morning's devotional. (Real-Life Devotions by Lysa TerKeurst, if you want to join the plan.) This is what I read.
I pray it blesses you like it did me. I love these moments when God not only shows up, but He says, "I heard you this morning. I have something for you."
Read on:
"Trapped like a firefly in a mason jar. Stifled, I peered out, watching others’ dreams, hopes and joys twinkle and fly by my stagnant ones. My own desires sat dusty in my valley of pain.
Extinguished. Exhausted. Expectant no longer.
“I’m so sorry your dreams are dashed,” my friend offered. “I wish I had known sooner how painful this disappointment has been. It would been an honor to walk it out with you.”
“Thanks. But a broken heart is silly. Especially in light of others’ pain.” Who was I to be sad about a mere breakup?
Silenced by self-doubt. Belittled by unworthiness. I diminished my pain, fearing it insignificant. In the process I belittled God’s care about my pain. Healing had been offered, yet I walked away, thinking it not worth his trouble.
My friend took my hand, and we journeyed back to when she had lost two children. Someone then had told her to check her pain at the door. Keep it in perspective to others’ pain.
We journeyed back to another time when pain was acknowledged, not tucked in a dark corner. Then she turned to the Lord, who administered healing from the grief of empty arms and empty cribs.
My friend took my hand again and we journeyed forward. “Don’t belittle your grief. Your pain is genuine. This valley is real. You must acknowledge the Lord is near and accept his help to get out.”
My friend granted me permission to feel my ache and loss. Drastically different than her own, yet no less honest. In that moment I realized I’d held my pain at a distance. Yet truth resonated in her words. No one loves us or offers healing like God does.
Perhaps it is time to acknowledge the pain, like Job did in Job 7:11. To become aware of the Lord’s care—an “always there” presence. No matter what other voices have said, your pain is valid. God cares deeply and longs to heal you. No pain is too great … or too small. Often we just need someone to remind us that God longs to remove the lid on our mason jar and fly next to us, out of the valley.
By Samantha Reed"
So, you see. God is listening. He does hear us.
Friend, don't belittle your valleys and your hurt. Don't compare it to others. Let God heal you.
As the saying goes, "Comparison is the thief of joy." Friend, don't let the devil win.
Go ahead. Open your mason jar. Let your firefly out and let the healing begin.
I love you, and so does God.
2 Corinthians 1
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.
The one thing I try to be in my writing is transparent.
I have a few cheerleaders out there that read this blog religiously, and I am thankful for them.
They tell me when to stop and when to keep going. They are wonderful encouragers to me - both in my writing here and in my personal life.
I couldn't make it through this dark period without them. They make me laugh, they hold my hand, and they love well. In reality, we do this for each other, and I love them for it.
In the interest of transparency, I want to write about the infamous black hole. I have several friends that have either been in it or are teetering dangerously close to the edge at the moment. It is a scary place where your emotions, mind, and body all meet together to crash and burn.
It paralyzes you. It smothers you. It throws your mind into conflicting places, your body into physical pangs, and your emotions into high gear. I have found the best way to escape it is to just sleep through it, praying as the hours slip quietly by, and asking God to send His peace and help heal the hurt.
This weekend, I had to do all of those things.
Sometimes grief - no matter how big or how small - envelops you when you least expect it. It sneaks in like a thief in the night, stealing your joy and peace.
It has been 13 weeks since I sent "that" short text to my ex. A passive-aggressive cry for help in dealing with the continual hurt and eventual fallouts from his journey through enmeshment.
It was a silent plea to be rescued. To be the most important person in his life. To be the one he valued most. To stop being second to a family embroiled in co-dependency and the disease of addiction.
I was tired of wrestling. I was tired of being "the other woman."
My ex was struggling through mental and emotional battles over loving me and making a full-time commitment versus still serving his family and parents, as well as not betraying them by "leaving."
I asked for a short break - a minute - to gather and study my emotions...
This battle had been waging for at least the last three years of our relationship. I craved a permanent future with the person I loved. A chance to create new life together, blend families, and serve our communities. But it seemed like my ex was always at ease with the balancing act of going between the home we were creating and his parents home. Never fully committing to a permanent future with me, creating a new life together, or blending our families. Every time he left the home we were creating to head back to his parents, I would close the front door to turn around and face an empty home again. A home so full of promise but yet, so utterly void of presence.
Over the years, the constant abandonment of our dreams to a chain of enmeshment started to overshadow most other things. The pain grew deeper with each departure. Couple my growing disappointment in any future, concrete plans with my newly-discovered medical condition, and on September 27, 2023, I finally snapped. It was one departure too many, and the one that finally crossed a proverbial line in the sand.
We had just arrived back at my house (our "home") from a week in Gatlinburg, TN, and glamping at Greenbrier Campground.
It was a beautiful week. Perfect weather, perfect company, and a wonderful destination.
Gatlinburg and the Great Smoky Mountains National Park have slowly, over time, become my favorite place to visit. I absolutely love it there.
Our getaway had been slower-paced; full of beautiful, idyllic scenery; and included an opportunity to stay at one of the brand new cabins at Greenbrier Campground. We had a wonderful trip full of adventure, trail walks, and new places to eat.
I loved being there, and I especially loved being alone with David. David and I were normally always in sync, enjoying many of the same things and the company of each other. I couldn't imagine taking this trip with anyone else. We even discussed renting two of these new cabins for Thanksgiving with David's family. I had no idea what was actually waiting in the future for us...
This trip was the first in a while we'd traveled anywhere alone. I kept thinking, "This would be a perfect place to finally propose." It seemed to be Heaven on earth for both of us.
But let's first backtrack for a quick second. I met David five years ago. I knew when we met in person for the first time at the little Dunkin' Donuts in Dahlonega that God had created him for me.
They say love at first sight doesn't exist, but when I left Dahlonega that day, I was sure my future had arrived.
But I digress, and now, let's head back to reality.
As our time in Gatlinburg and the Great Smoky Mountains ended, we arrived back to my house. David unloaded the suitcases and plastic bins from the car and then went to lie down on the sofa to rest.
Once the suitcases and bins were in the house, I started unpacking everything, began a load of laundry, and put away anything else we had taken with us on vacation.
As soon as everything was put away, I went to lie down as well. We were both tired, and lying down seemed a good idea before contemplating dinner in a few hours. (A dinner that was never coming.)
Within 15 minutes of arriving back at my house, David came to me and said he was going "home."
The words shot through me like a bullet to my heart. Home? I thought we were home.
I immediately thought to myself, "Here we go again." My soul was downcast, and the all-too-familiar pang of loneliness set in. Not even a perfect week away together could break the enmeshment of a family trapped within the evils of addiction.
I couldn't bring myself to make eye contact with David. I couldn't break the gaze off my cell phone. I kept scrolling through social media feeds with no actual idea what I was even looking at.
I tried to hold back the tears. I knew the routine and the pecking order. It was Wednesday - the West family's traditional "family night," and David had apparently arranged for getting his son that evening and didn't tell me. In the meantime, his real familywas waiting for him to arrive for dinner.
Heartbreak one more time. Second in David's eyes and heart one more time.
Family night could have been rescheduled for Thursday night (the next evening), but instead, we were rushed home so that David could have his traditional night at home with both his Mom and son.
I wasn't told beforehand about the plan, nor was I invited to be a part of their family evening together.
In one sentence and in one fell swoop, David had fallen from leading a household to reverting back to a son being taken care of. He had returned to his childhood home and to a Mother's arms. Dinner was waiting as well as his teenage son.
It was crushing.
Maybe it wasn't the intention, but it felt like David could not wait to leave me and get back to his parents and son, again.
When do the scales tip to the point of a grown man leaving his parents and being a "son" to him maturing and becoming a leader and head of his own household? The answer seemed like never.
I started to think, "Where exactly is home for David? Was it here - in a house I've lived in for 23 years and offered to David to also live in as well? Was it a house that my family and I offered to refinance and put David's name on the mortgage so he could have a part in owning a piece of the property he had invested so much time and effort into? Was it a home where we have completed so many upgrades and projects or where we were in the middle of a few new projects to complete for future enjoyment together? Was it a home we had future plans to eventually sell and use the funds to build our own home in Dahlonega? Was it a house that had become a home and meant so much to me because it contained the people I loved and a future so promising?"
"Or was his home in Dahlonega? A place where he still lived in a family, basement apartment, that was offered as a landing spot after getting divorced so many years ago? A place where Mom and Dad lived only a few miles away? A town where one foot seemed to be kept in at all times? A place that had to be gotten back to so quickly so that everyone could be 'kept happy?'"
I have since discovered through Christian Counseling the word home had become a trigger word for me. It's no wonder...With no advancement toward a permanent future and a constant running back to his hometown, home had come to trigger loneliness, sadness, and abandonment to me.
It no longer held the hope and joy it once did with David. I had to finally realize, after five years, that I was not enough for David. I was not enough to break the chains of enmeshment his family held. I was not enough to spark David to leave his hometown or to begin a new chapter in life.
It felt like I had become the other woman in an adulterous relationship with David. Life was good when David was at my house, but it was hard when he closed the door and left for the other woman in our relationship - his Mother.
David had grown comfortable with running between and maintaining the two "homes." He was a great boyfriend, but my family and I had come to realize that a boyfriend was all we could ever hope to see from him. David was mentally, emotionally, and physically unable to break the chains of enmeshment formed from his family's addiction issues.
And on top of all these things, the enmeshment produced side effects as well.
David had begun to grow disappointed in my attending events with him in Dahlonega. He began to question my commitment to him, and his hurt toward me began to grow. The people pleaser in him played well into the chains of enmeshment and alcohol addiction.
He never (or rarely) shared his feelings with me or allowed us to work through them; thus, his isolation from me grew in one direction, as the closeness to his family grew in the opposite direction.
To be honest, it had been getting harder and harder for me to attend things with David. I knew he wanted me to be in Dahlonega more often and to attend more events and family events with him. I wanted to be with there too, enjoying all the things he was doing and wanted to do. I missed going to those things with him. I missed spending time with him. He was my best friend.
But working a full-time job plus two part-time jobs coupled with the responsibility of taking care of a home requires a lot of time and attention. I have a three-story home and a one-acre yard that need taking care of. I don't always have the liberty to spend my free time playing. Most weekends, during the warm seasons, are spent trying to play catch up at home.
And on top of life responsibilities, it was also during this time I found out all three of my major hormones had become depleted. If you are familiar at all with hormone depletion, you know it changes who you are as a person - mentally, emotionally, and of course - physically.
Hormone depletion causes you to become more withdrawn and more unfriendly (to put it kindly). It changes your personality, as the chemistry in you changes. It is no joke, and sadly, most women don't understand they don't have to live with it. (Side note: Check out this amazing reference on bioidentical hormone replacement therapy - Suzanne Somer's book, Ageless.)
I didn't know it at the time, but my tight schedule coupled with my complete hormone depletion meant I was drowning. I needed David to throw me a life preserver, but neither one of us knew that at the time.
So when David told me he was going "home" that evening, my heart deflated and then collapsed. A line had been crossed, and I wasn't sure how to return back over it.
This brings us back full circle to the black hole...A place I found myself after this life event and where you might be finding yourself right now.
One thing I have learned through my journey of loving someone as deeply and as long as I loved David, combined with the eventual fact of then losing them, is that you must always be mindful of the devil and the traps he lays out for us.
If you're not careful and don't keep your eyes on the Lord, Satan will silently lead you into the black hole. He has it sitting out there, waiting for you to fall into. Waiting to destroy you. He lives for moments like this in our lives.
Satan is not a fan of happiness, joy, positivity, or happy endings. He is always on the prowl to devour those of us focused on God, our faith, and walking in Jesus' light.
Scripture tells us he waits for us, roaming the earth as a lion looking for his next prey. He wants you to take your eyes off Jesus and and focus them onto yourself, your pain, and your loss. This is where he excels and where he hopes to lead you into your self-destruction.
The deviations began in the Garden of Eden, the beginning of time - with the first two humans God created. He finds our weak spots and then he pounces.
Hurting? Feeling lonely? Feeling used and unimportant? He uses the same tricks and schemes today that he used with Adam and Eve to keep us in his - and our own - personal pit of hell. A pit of crying, heartbreak, and pain. If he can't take us to hell with him, he will do his very best to make our life here on earth miserable.
I fell captive to the devil's plan this weekend. My heart was still hurting from David's decision to end and walk out of our five-year relationship. Satan used my emotions of hurting, feeling second best, rejection, and abandonment to capture and torture me. I blindly walked right into my own black hole.
And sadly, I believe David also fell prey to the devil's lies and whispers, "Come over here. Your happiness counts. Your happiness matters. Look at her. She is selfish and uses you. She doesn't care about you. Stop trying to make everyone happy. Focus on yourself. Walk away from the struggle between her and your family. You matter. I can give you peace. Come over here where it is calm and there is no fight for your time. Where you can do the things you want and you can find yourself again."
The devil will always use his best tricks to trap you and pull you away from the gifts of God.
I believe he succeeded and won another battle when he lured David away.
It may seem you can't get out of your black hole at the time of your entrapment. I think I either laid in my bed or on the couch all day Saturday and most of the day Sunday. I barely ate, had no appetite, and certainly had no motivation to do anything.
But God. Don't ever discredit God. Remember, HE is the winner, not Satan. Always and forever.
God showed up and gave me the rescue I so desperately needed at my lowest point.
I am so thankful for friends and family members, as I said at the beginning of this post, who stepped in on Sunday evening and rescued me out of Satan's trap of personal pain. They wouldn't take no as an answer and showed up, spent the night, and listened while gently guiding me back to reality and out of the black hole.
Friends, relationships are hard. As I walk through the pain of losing my best friend, I know there are a host of other friends suffering similar fates.
It is sometimes hard to comprehend, when we are so deeply invested and secure in a relationship of many years, maybe even one we think is our permanent future, that Satan can come in and destroy what two people have created - and seemingly so easy.
Sometimes, the vows we take and the words we say just don't stick. People are human. God has given each of us free will, and sometimes, people will choose themselves or an easy way out to escape hurt.
Sometimes, it seems putting in the hard work, communicating, or even praying together is just too much of an effort. Satan is very good at what he does. Never forget that.
He can take loving people and change them overnight. He can take your period of sickness and turn it around, making you appear selfish or self-centered. He can take feelings of loneliness and hurt and create mental blocks that appear too great to overcome. He can create chains of enmeshment from family addictions and taint your view on reality and devotions.
He is the expert at taking your eyes off Jesus and putting them on yourself.
This weekend, the black hole was waiting for me. I fell prey to it. And, I will tell you - once you are in this hole of depression and entrapment, it is a tough one to climb back out of. But it is something you must walk through. Do what you have to do to survive it and climb back out. Because when you come out the other side, Jesus is waiting for you!
Reach your hand up and out. Jesus is reaching down to pull you out. He is always there to rescue you. Never forget that.
I was blessed this weekend to have my second Mother's intuition kick in and have her come visit me, spending the night. She wouldn't take no for an answer and showed up ready to listen, eat, watch tv, and dispense wisdom. Her visit pulled me out of the grave this weekend.
Need some "out of the grave" motivation? Click the video below to life your spirit high and give God the glory for His great love for you:
The black hole was not fun; it was painful. A place I do not wish to visit again.
Yes, I miss David. Yes, I still love him, but until God, the divine Potter, can sculpt His clay, I will have to step back and wait.
I believe God has work to do with David. Chains of enmeshment to break, lessons on granting and accepting forgiveness, and the instillment of a growing and strong maturity to enable him to leave home and his parents and to walk into a new role of leadership and creating new life.
Relationships only survive because two people can fluidly move apart and still remain together.
There must be room for hurt and anger, always returning to a common, middle ground and to each other with love and support. There is no running away, blaming, or excuses. We must be open to the people in our lives - offering forgiveness, admitting our wrongs when necessary, and accepting others forgiveness as well!
Don't hide in a corner, believe the devil's lies, or run away to eliminate your hurt so you can "be happy." Follow Jesus' teachings and dig in deep, seek help, and pray and work through things together. Don't give the enemy a seat at your table!
One last thing to wrap up this long post...
This weekend, I heard Neil Patrick Harris say something that struck a chord with me. He said - when asked how he believes relationships can last so long - "Relationships ebb and flow. If you go in thinking a relationship is going to be static and flow in one direction, that it will always stay in that form, you will fail. Relationships go in an out; they expand and go different ways, but you always come back to each other with humor and love. That's how relationships survive."
*My prayer this morning, friends, is that those around me who are hurting will stay out of their own, personal black hole hells. That they will not turn to alcohol or drugs, but will - instead - turn to Jesus, even when He is silent and it feels like He is not there. Sleep through it; eat through it; drink coffee through it. Do whatever you need to do to come out on the other side alive and healthy. Jesus is waiting!
*My prayer is that God will continue to keep David's heart pliable, both toward Him and now toward me and our relationship with each other as well. I pray that one day David will join me in counseling and work through the very serious issue of enmeshment his family is entangled in.
*My prayer is for anyone reading this today that is struggling with grief, loss, separation, or divorce. That you will avoid the black hole or if you are in it now, you will make it out to the other side in one piece - healthy and alive. The black hole is no joke!
As always, if you need help or prayer, please reach out to me personally or leave a comment below. I am transparent with my life because I know there are so many other people out there suffering alone, on the inside - no matter what you may say or do on the outside. (I had to learn that lesson from my 24-year old son this week, who was proved right on Christmas Eve!)
"Dear Jesus, those of us that are broken on the inside are reaching out to you today, this morning. We love you God. We acknowledge you as the one true God. There are no others beside you, above, or below you. You are the triune God. Three in one, and we worship you.
We ask for forgiveness of all our sins. Those we are aware of and those we are not. We ask forgiveness for hurting those we love and for doing things that do not bring You glory and honor. May we learn from our past mistakes and use them to craft better experiences in the future.
Lord, I pray that my actions in the past might be forgiven and that others may learn through my mistakes. I pray that no matter what I say on the outside to others or what advice others may give (family members, friends, etc.), I always look to You as the final word. No matter what I say on the outside, I pray you know me on the inside and that those thoughts, feelings, and words triumph and prevail. Help me to be a good example of You and your Word, although I admittedly fail daily.
Help those that may be hurt or angry with me from my past words or actions reach out to me to express forgiveness or maybe even do that privately in their own thoughts and prayers to you Lord. May I do better in the future Lord.
Lord, thank you for all the many, many blessings you have bestowed upon me. My children, my brother, my sister-in-law, my friends, my family, and everything else surrounding me. Thank you for a home to rest and recuperate in; hot and cold water; utilities; clothing; food; and a job I absolutely love with the very best coworkers. I am truly blessed despite anything the devil might throw my way.
I love you Lord. Please continue to heal and show me how best to serve those around me crossing my paths. Amen."
I hate how the human heart and mind ebb and flow through crisis periods of life.
One day, you are doing well; the next, you are in bed until 1pm.
Such was today, with a beginning embedded in last night. I woke up at 5am, read messages already on my phone from a few early-riser friends, and rolled over.
I finally got up a few hours later, but it wasn't long before my mind and body both betrayed me, and I was back under the covers watching the next few episodes of The Crown.
Finally, at 1PM, the sun was trying to peek through my bedroom blinds and break through the 36-degree weather outside. I threw back the covers and made my way to the kitchen to talk myself into some positivity while making coffee, eggs, and bacon.
At 1:45PM, I decided to see what God had to say today. I'd already been to my little bedroom altar in prayer and tears, after a night full of arguing with God. Surely, He had something good to give me in response to our conversations together.
A girlfriend of mine, whose marriage dissolved this year - after multiple decades - send an encouraging picture and a few texts. I guess those of us in "misery" love company, but nothing seem to be reaching me today.
I'm at a point where my broken heart just feels like a millstone around my neck. No matter how much praying I do for healing, it's like the Lord is saying, "No, keep going." I am despising social media, tv movies, and even going out to eat right now. Seeing couples together on dates just kills me and makes me incredibly sad. "Keep going out with friends," everyone says - but it doesn't help. You just carry the sadness and heaviness of your heart with you, like a piece of luggage.
I'm not really sure how to escape it anymore. I just keep writing, journaling, praying, and crying. Eventually, it has to stop, right?
I think that maybe if I knew this hurt wasn't one-sided or if an olive branch was extended, I might be able to heal differently, better, or quicker. I have asked for forgiveness multiple times (each time, it has been denied), and I have extended multiple olive branches (none taken). My heart hurts from a type of love I have not experienced before - and from a walking away I don't understand.
I know the love still exists between us both, but I'm not sure why the desire to work through the hurts is absent. So, to open up today's reading and read Ephesians 4:2 was a little surprising, "And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you."
One thing I am 100% sure of is this - my prayers for my partner have not ceased, and I have seen at least one of them answered.
I will always be kind, tender-hearted, and forgiving. Because that is what we are called to do - endlessly.
I can't imagine doing anything else.
Forgiveness is hard. (Which is probably why my ex will not grant it.) In the book of Phillipians, we are told that we can do all things through Christ. This includes forgiving those that have hurt us. Forgiving not only releases those that are asking for our forgiveness, but it releases us as well.
I have forgiven my ex for leaving us (four times to be exact) because I know the underlying root cause, and it releases me from harboring anger and resentment towards him and within my soul.
I have asked for forgiveness from my ex multiple times for hurting him, for being selfish, and for also being self-centered - even though I know the root cause (which I wrote about yesterday). Asking for forgiveness releases me from carrying the guilt and shame of hurting someone I deeply love. If that forgiveness is ever finally accepted and granted, my ex will be able to release the deep hurts he is still carrying toward me and our relationship.
The act of granting forgiveness is an act of kindness (our fifth Fruit of the Spirit). Granting forgiveness often becomes a war between the Spirit and our flesh. If the hurt happened multiple times or if the relationship was deep, the war raging within us may take a little while to sort itself out. (I think that's what my ex and I are dealing with at the moment.)
One Bible verse I have been praying for (over myself) these past few weeks is one I learned to memorize early on as a new Christian - 2 Cor. 5:17, "Behold, old things are passed away; all things become like new."
In order to walk in full kindness and forgiveness and to renew relationships and love, we must be able to let old things pass away and become like new.
Today, I read a few things forgiveness is NOT. I think these are good reminders to all of us that when you forgive someone, you are not losing these things:
1. Forgiveness is NOT claiming our pain isn’t genuine. We can forgive and still acknowledge our broken hearts.
2. Forgiveness is NOT condoning or saying someone's behavior was appropriate.
3. Forgiveness is NOT forgetting. We aren’t wired this way.
4. Forgiveness is NOT a feeling. The Bible teaches us the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9). If we’re waiting to feel forgiving towards someone, it may never happen.
5. Forgiveness is NOT an invitation to be a doormat. Expressing clear boundaries of what’s ok and what’s not is very important.
6. Forgiveness is NOT trust. Trust is earned. It requires the offender to repent and show consistency in healthy behaviors for trust to return.
7. Holding on to unforgiveness is NOT powerful. It doesn’t give us control, it deceives and enslaves us.
Those are amazing points, and things I know my ex is struggling with. It is OKAY to forgive your partner, rebuild relationships, and still love them. Forgiveness does not mean everything is fine. It is just a first step to release both parties to move ahead freely and begin the healing process.
In fact, here are some more points of what forgiveness is:
1. Forgiveness IS a decision. Sometimes our feelings and intentions to forgive aren’t always in sync, but the Lord will help us align our heads and hearts in obedience to His will.
2. Forgiveness IS strength and courage. Courage is the ability to be strong amidst pain and grief.
3. Forgiveness IS freedom from the weight and heaviness of the offense we’ve been carrying.
4. Forgiveness IS freedom from bitterness.
5. Forgiveness IS costly. It cost Jesus His very life to provide us forgiveness we don’t deserve.
6. Forgiveness IS a command (Colossians 3:13; Matthew 18:21–22; Luke 17:3–4).
I'll wrap it up with this. If Jesus can grant forgiveness, after being flogged, spit upon, and beat beyond recognition, I can forgive a person leaving me multiple times. I can see past the sin and root causes of those leavings, and I can love through them to forgive a person I love deeply.
People are worth saving. Jesus showed us that.
I can forgive people I love (and, honestly, those I don't) because Jesus did it first, and more importantly, because He told me to.
I don't know when Jesus will heal my heart completely. I am still in love with a man I had planned to marry and grow old with. In time, Jesus will reveal the path and plan for my life. The road is pretty painful right now, but when I sit down to read Scripture or pray, my heart and mind are filled with so much HOPE.
And I love that.
Dear Lord, You have given me so much love and forgiveness. I don’t deserve it. I want to be obedient to Your command to forgive. You ask, “Why do you call Me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do the things which I say” (Luke 6:46 NKJV)? I need help, Lord. Allow my head and heart to align. My head knows I’m called to forgive, but my heart still hurts. Please reveal any root of bitterness and heal my hurting heart. Please help me to be kind and tenderhearted, just like You. Amen.
I am veering off patience this morning to share a Christine Caine post. I am sharing this for someone specific who needs to hear it.
This has been a hard morning, following a hard night.
Last night at 11:30 pm, my son left to head back home to Missouri and the USAF.
Josh had not been home in almost two years, and this visit - although a short five days - was better than any of us could have imagined.
Josh has grown and matured and is a natural talker (much like his Father). My heart broke (as I knew it would) when I walked back into a quiet and empty house.
There are seven more days left of Winter Break. I will need to fill them with activities, home projects, and more to help keep my Spirit and countenance full.
I knew that Josh's leaving on top of my feelings for David would be a hard combination to work through. Two pieces of my heart missing. And so, I wasn't surprised when my body would wake up at 4:30 and then 6:30 and then again at 7:30. I am drained and tired.
I need to get back to walking, yoga, and so much more.
I wasn't surprised when I tried to pray and talk to God and I kept falling asleep. I wasn't surprised when I finally broke down and gave in to the tears at 8:30, kneeling by the couch to pray and cry out to God - for myself, for my boys, and for David.
So many feelings. So many people needing intercession and prayer. Protection and guidance...
Finally wiping the tears away and pouring the day's first cup of coffee, I opened up my Christine Caine book and read what I am going to share below.
I needed to read this. God needed to speak to my SOUL. But also - while reading it, all it kept bringing to mind was David.
I pray that although David has blocked me everywhere, he still remembers this blog and comes to read it from time to time. This post is for him. This Bible verse is for him.
The devotion below may be for you as well if you are reading this and struggling today. I'm not sure who else God may be using this writing for...
I know who I am posting it for and who was brought to mind over and over again as I read. Yes, some of it was applicable to myself - but my prayer is that David stumbles upon this post at some point in his life and it touches his heart and Spirit as it did mine.
God has a process and a plan in place. We can't always see it until we have passed it and reached our destination. I don't know where I'm traveling to today. I'm just praying I make it through the hours of the day. As one of my prayer partners told me yesterday, "Debbie, you are going to live whether you want to or not! You will get through this and come out on the other side even better than before! Embrace this time with the Lord." Amen.
2 Timothy 1:7
God has not given you a Spirit of FEAR, but one of POWER, LOVE, and SOUND JUDGMENT.
When the Covid-19 pandemic first started, I remember going to the store one day and being shocked at the empty shelves. I remember overhearing conversations as I waited in the long line at the checkout. While some people had much to say and others very little, what couldn't be missed was the fear in their voices.
On my drive home, I couldn't help but think about it, and when I did, that, same spirit of fear began to invade my mind. I thought of my girls and how all this could affect them. They'd already been sent home from school to learn online. They'd already been separated from their friends and routines. We were all adapting to a whole new way of life minute by minute.
As I pulled into the driveway, deep down, I knew I couldn't go in the house in such a state. I had to stop and rein it all in. For Nick. For the girls. For my own piece of mine. So, doing what I had done a thousand times before, I put my hand to my forehead, and I started talking too myself: "Christine, God has not given you a spirit of fear but of LOVE, POWER, and a SOUND MIND. You might not understand what is happening, but the one thing you know is that God has never failed you before, and he is not about to start now, so you know you can trust him now."
I understand you might think this is a strange ritual, but it is a practice I have developed over the years. When I have a decision to make. When I need answers in a tough situation. When my thoughts begin to spiral, my heart starts to race, and my palms go damp. When everything feels out of my control, and fear wants to take complete control. When I need to endure in faith.
In every battle we face, are fiercest enemy is fear, and the devil knows it. That's why he's always ready to foster it and reinforce it. If we don't learn how to overcome its power, then it can defeat us every time. It can even develop into chronic conditions that manifest in our bodies and minds, such as anxiety, panic attacks, incessant worry, or sleepless nights. If you have ever suffered from any of fear's debilitating effects, you know that the symptoms are very real.
But God has not given us a spirit of fear. He has given us POWER, LOVE, and SOUNDJUDGMENT. The Bible translation I first memorized calls it a sound mind, which is why I quoted it that way to myself. I do my best to use God's Word to defeat fear where the battle always begins - in my mind.
What about you? Have you learned to fight the battle in your mind and for your mind? Have you learned to wield God's Word against the fear that tries to take over? Today's verse is a strong declaration to remind yourself that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of POWER, LOVE, and a SOUND MIND.
Heavenly Father, thank you that you have not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. Help me remember this and keep trusting in You more in Jesus name, Amen.
*The above is quoted from Christine Caine's newest devotion book, You're Not Finished Yet. Below is my Amazon Associate link, if you would like to order. I love reading Christine Caine. She is always right on time, Biblically-centered and accurate, and a great inspiration to all of our Spiritual walks and growth.
So tough, I deleted everything I wrote yesterday. I wasn't feeling it, and I think my writing reflected it.
This morning I read this quote by Billy Graham, "Don't let your circumstances distress you. Rather, look for the will of God for your life to be revealed in and through those circumstances."
This year, the holiday weekend was rough.
I had plenty to do - friends, family, events, gatherings. Everything was in place as tradition called for, but the burden I have been carrying was still weighing heavy on my heart.
Scripture says the devil roams the earth as a lion looking for its next prey and someone to devour. Sometimes, I feel like we may not be "devoured," but we can end up being nibbled on or a "snack."
I have been a little slack lately in putting on my Armor of God and maybe that was the issue or maybe the devil just strategically wanted to use the holidays to remind me of what was loss instead of what I possess.
Either way, I have heard from a few friends this morning who were struggling as well. I think the devil goes into overtime over the Christmas holidays trying to snag and trip up people. It almost seems like he gets a little jolly over the prospect of it, and maybe we are even easy prey for him.
I hate that. I am trying so hard to pray for God to help me embrace positivity, joy, and happiness right now, and I am praying so hard for God to manifest within me the Fruits of the Spirit.
This one particular fruit - patience - is really giving me a good go for my money.
Out of all the gifts of the Spirit, this one has got to be the hardest. We want God to answer our prayers (immediately most of the time), stop our hurts, or open doors - but we don't want to trust His process - we just want to focus on the outcome. And God wants us to manifest patience.
And that's where Billy Graham's wisdom comes in when he says, "Don't let your circumstances distress you!"
We should be looking at those circumstances in an upside-down sort of way - instead of letting them distress us, we should be thinking, "How is God's will working through this circumstance I am facing right now?"
And, like I said above, that is tough.
James 5:7-8 ends with this, "...be patient and stand firm because the Lord's coming is near."
Wow. Be patient and stand firm because the Lord's coming is near.
If there was ever a good, no GREAT, reason to be patient, it would be because JESUS is coming near TO US.
What an amazing promise inside Scripture.
I think if I know Jesus is coming near to me, I can stand still, be firm, and exercise some patience. This may be one of those verses I put on my mirror or a note card. The prospect or thought of being patient becomes so much clearer and easier with the promise of Jesus coming near to me as a result.
I love this quote I read that goes along with the promise of Jesus returning to us one day, "Patience isn’t just about waiting, it’s about waiting without becoming angry or upset. As we wait for various things in life overall, we’re also waiting for Christ to come and establish His kingdom forever."
Does that hit home with you too? Patience is about waiting without becoming angry or upset.
For the past 12 weeks, I have been praying the same prayers over and over again. I'm not sure you could call that patience on my part, but instead, it seems to be just what's on my heart and a gentle leading from God's Holy Spirit.
This weekend, one of those prayers was answered. I was humbled and could not hold the tears back as I drove home from church. I wasn't crying because a prayer was answered for me; I was crying because a prayer I had been praying for someone else was answered - and I was extremely humbled that God would not only answer my prayer but show me the prayer in action.
I had been waiting 12 weeks for that prayer to be answered. I was never angry or upset with God for being silent or what seemed like my prayers hitting the bedroom ceiling. I just waited.
It was a good lesson to me on the value of having patience and seeing what pushing through a hard period can produce - Fruit of the Spirit!
Tough? Yes. Worth it? Also, yes.
"In order to wait well through all of these things, we must live with patience. Patience means we wait with hope and that hope comes from knowing who the promise giver and promise keeper is.Patience also enables us to treat others with the same love and kindness that Jesus treats us with. From small inconveniences to other more difficult problems, patience looks like being gentle, humble, servant-hearted, and trusting. A strong faith in our perfectly patient Father will lead to an increasingly patient heart within us, His children.
Therefore, patience can only become more natural in us when we root ourselves in Christ. His promises and character must be at the forefront of our minds. The Holy Spirit will help us live patiently because He helps us live by God’s truth and live in full surrender."
Patience is waiting with hope. Hope comes from knowing Jesus. We can treat others as Jesus treats us because we know Him personally. The Fruit of the Spirit - patience enables us to treat others with the love and kindness of Jesus.
I will wrap with this.
My son is home for the holidays. He said something wise to me the other day, "Mom, don't take what people say to heart. It doesn't matter what they said to you or to [my brother and sister-in-law]. People say things because they want other people to think a certain way or believe they feel a certain way, but when we are alone and by ourselves, we think and ponder and know how we feel on the inside. And most of the time, it is decidedly different than what we have presented to others. I can promise you what was said was completely different than what [they] feel inside."
I may be paraphrasing that a little, but you get the idea...
"Don't let your circumstances distress you!"
Keep your eyes on Jesus and HIS will for your life and ponder, "How is God's will working trough my circumstance?"
James 5:7-8 - a good memory verse for all of us today:
"...be patient and stand firm because the Lord's coming is near."
Count on it being a great holiday week for you this year. I pray it is filled with hope and promises and lots of patience. People - we got this!
