From Darkness to Light

 

Don't you love these kind of moments?

I woke up this morning thinking about a friend of mine, maybe even two of them. How they took me from a place of sadness, held my hand, and helped me heal. Brought me to this current day, where happiness has returned and MAYBE I'm starting to find and see ME again.

I reflected back on things one of those friends said to me, as I compared and belittled my grief to his, a widow of four years. He encouraged me not to belittle or bury my grief or compare it to others.

He said, "Pain is pain." When I said, "Why am I struggling so much? Why did a broken heart hurt so much? Why did it dismantle me?" He said, "FIVE YEARS. It was FIVE YEARS. Give yourself some grace."

As I sent a Good Morning text to that friend this morning, I reflected back on these moments and what he has grown to mean to me. How our friendship has grown and blossomed. How we talked through our own personal valleys, as well as valleys we experienced together and yet, kept going forward.

My heart warmed as I thought about the journey.

And then I opened my laptop to read this morning's devotional. (Real-Life Devotions by Lysa TerKeurst, if you want to join the plan.) This is what I read.

I pray it blesses you like it did me. I love these moments when God not only shows up, but He says, "I heard you this morning. I have something for you."

Read on:

"Trapped like a firefly in a mason jar. Stifled, I peered out, watching others’ dreams, hopes and joys twinkle and fly by my stagnant ones. My own desires sat dusty in my valley of pain.

Extinguished. Exhausted. Expectant no longer.

“I’m so sorry your dreams are dashed,” my friend offered. “I wish I had known sooner how painful this disappointment has been. It would been an honor to walk it out with you.”

“Thanks. But a broken heart is silly. Especially in light of others’ pain.” Who was I to be sad about a mere breakup?

Silenced by self-doubt. Belittled by unworthiness. I diminished my pain, fearing it insignificant. In the process I belittled God’s care about my pain. Healing had been offered, yet I walked away, thinking it not worth his trouble.

My friend took my hand, and we journeyed back to when she had lost two children. Someone then had told her to check her pain at the door. Keep it in perspective to others’ pain.

We journeyed back to another time when pain was acknowledged, not tucked in a dark corner. Then she turned to the Lord, who administered healing from the grief of empty arms and empty cribs.

My friend took my hand again and we journeyed forward. “Don’t belittle your grief. Your pain is genuine. This valley is real. You must acknowledge the Lord is near and accept his help to get out.”

My friend granted me permission to feel my ache and loss. Drastically different than her own, yet no less honest. In that moment I realized I’d held my pain at a distance. Yet truth resonated in her words. No one loves us or offers healing like God does.

Perhaps it is time to acknowledge the pain, like Job did in Job 7:11. To become aware of the Lord’s care—an “always there” presence. No matter what other voices have said, your pain is valid. God cares deeply and longs to heal you. No pain is too great … or too small. Often we just need someone to remind us that God longs to remove the lid on our mason jar and fly next to us, out of the valley.

By Samantha Reed"

So, you see.  God is listening.  He does hear us.

Friend, don't belittle your valleys and your hurt.  Don't compare it to others. Let God heal you.

As the saying goes, "Comparison is the thief of joy." Friend, don't let the devil win.

Go ahead.  Open your mason jar.  Let your firefly out and let the healing begin.

I love you, and so does God.

2 Corinthians 1

3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.

Tuesday Nights

 

Tuesday nights are hard.

If you know me, just stop.  If you are in my inner circle, don't write.  Don't call. Don't message.

I just need to write this morning.

For me.

Tuesday nights are hard y'all.

Tuesday nights are Celebrate Recovery nights at my church.  If you aren't familiar with Celebrate Recovery, look it up.  Research it.  It is an amazing program.

Celebrate Recovery ("CR") is a Christian-based recovery program much like Al-Anon or AA.  Only CR claims Jesus as their Higher Power.  No vague ambiguities or claiming whatever Higher Power you feel is yours.

It is Jesus-based and focuses on His love and His power as the recovering addict's anchor and hope.

My church asked me to work CR many months ago.  At the time, participants were rotating and taking turns watching each other's children while the rest of the attendees were meeting in large and small groups.  This rotation worked, but it resulted in people missing two hours they counted on - and needed - each week to remain accountable, to learn, and to share.  To alleviate the issue, leaders of CR decided to hire a few adults to work and watch the attendees' children each week.  I was the first one they approached.  I readily accepted.

Working CR turned out to be a financial God-gift to me.  My Counseling sessions at New Name Ministries cost the same as what I was going to receive from CR, so my own healing was going to come as an outward gift of love from a program that was already helping so many others heal.

What I didn't expect was that the program would also become a personal gift to me, as I began to meet the attendees and share supper with them every Tuesday night before their meetings.

Each person's story.  Every personality.  The heartaches.  The hurts.  But also the joys.  The healings.  The laughter.  Their personal accomplishments and goals achieved.

I will tell you that my CR family, although I am not a recovering addict, is probably the closest knit group of people I am a part of these days.

They are the first group of people I see when I walk into my church on Sunday mornings.  They turn around with coffees in hand and shout exuberantly across the lobby, "Good morning!"  I see them filling up the entire center section, second row, every Sunday -  standing, arms raised, and praising their Savior - our God - so emphatically.  I see them after church, lingering in the lobby laughing, sharing stories, and giving out more hugs.

Our CR group has turned out to be one of the dominant saving forces in my life right now, and Tuesday nights have turned into one of my most favorite nights of the week.

They might have needed me at the beginning, but it turns out God knew I would need them just as much in the end.

But, as I started out writing above - Tuesday nights are hard for me.  They may be my favorite night of the week, but they are also possibly my hardest night of the week as well.

You see, to back up for a minute - every Tuesday, David used to come to CR with two of his family members.  It was healthy and cathartic for all three of them.

And after so much counseling for myself and with so many alcoholics reaching out to me (I am up to ten families at this point that I have interviewed, sat and talked with, and listened to), I have learned that David needs CR as much as the two family members he drops off at the front door.

When there is an addict present within a family, there is something called enmeshment (that I have written about before) that encapsulates the rest of the family.  The chains of enmeshment are extremely difficult to break.  They are easy to see by those of us not affected or bound by them, but they cannot be broken from any of us on the outside.

Chains of enmeshment can only be broken by the individuals affected by them.  Breaking free must come from the work of the Holy Spirit deep inside a person, motivating them to see their chains and dysfunction, and then it must be paired with a recovery group such as CR or Al-Anon for moral support.

But also, in addition to self-awakening, realization, and CR, I have learned from my interviews, most recovering enmeshment victims gained the majority of their healing from on-going Christian Counseling.  A weekly place where they can focus on themselves, share their feelings and struggles, and learn how to be healed fully and completely.

Recovery is usually ongoing and a constant fight against oneself.  It is difficult to obtain freedom because enmeshed individuals believe their family is normal and closer than other families surrounding them.  They believe they love and support each other more than other families and that outsiders "just don't understand" the closeness or love inside their family circle.  All outsiders are viewed as "enemies" trying to break the family circle.

I was the enemy in David's family circle.  I was the outsider who didn't "understand."

And when CR hired me, David quit coming inside to group meetings.  Not only did his family members lose their support from him, but David lost valuable and intricate healing he needed as well.

Each week, I see the family pick-up truck pull up outside the church doors.  I see David inside the truck driving, and I see two family members get out and come inside.

Every Tuesday, it is hard.  It is hard seeing David's face again.  It is hard watching him drive away.  It is hard seeing his family members come inside.  People I dearly love and who once told me, "I love you" every time I visited.  It's hard being the one pushed out so the family can stay intact (and dysfunctional).

But, without groups like CR and individual outside Counseling, the cycle of dysfunction remains.  Families with addicts nestled inside of them continue to believe they are "normal" and continue to shield their circle from outsiders.  I was forced to learn about this world because of my experience.  It is truly heartbreaking, but I am forever grateful to the co-workers and friends that helped me understand and gain knowledge.

Last night at CR, it was Chip Night.  A night when participants are celebrated for their time sober and being free from addiction.  They receive different-colored chips signifying the amount of time they have been free.

Since I had three friends receiving Chips, I went into the large group meeting to witness their achievements and celebrate with them.  I had never been inside a meeting before.

I will tell you that what I witnessed inside that meeting was extremely powerful and cemented what I already knew about my new friends at CR.

What an extremely supportive and loving group of people!  No wonder they are happy and so close-knit.  They have been through hell together.

As I watched all the people receiving Chips go up front, tears flowed.  Their stories were (are) amazing.  Their achievements real and raw.  I watched my friends receive their chips, and my heart burst with joy for their accomplishments.

And then, after the Chip ceremony had ended, the group transitioned into singing a song together as a group.  I stood in the back of that dark room and listened as the music played and lyrics flashed on the screen in front of us.

I didn't know the song, but my tears started flowing, as the Lord brought David's face to my mind again.  A vision of David in that pick-up truck driver's seat earlier, dropping off two family members.  And my heart quietly began to break one more time.  Only it was different this time...

Grief is a funny thing.  The stages of it flow in and out, in no particular order.  You can go through one stage, thinking you have made it through. Then, a previous stage will circle right back around and take you hostage again. Sweeping you off your feet unexpectedly.

I have been through the anger stage of grief with this relationship and breakup.  At the time, it felt good to release those emotions.  I remember thinking, "I'm done.  I have released it all to God."

And then - last night happened - unexpectedly.

God was not finished yet.  He still had much left to teach me.  I still had much to learn.  And all at once, I felt the gravity of the situation.  I felt the sweet presence of the Holy Spirit speaking to my soul. And I suddenly understood why I was in that large group meeting yesterday.

As the song continued to play and the CR group sang about God's sweet grace, all my mind's eye could see was David's thickly-bearded face in the front of that pick-up truck a few hours earlier.

As the tears continued to fall, I prayed, "Lord Jesus, I want to fully forgive him.  I want to.  Please reach into the deepest parts of my heart and let me FULLY and COMPLETELY forgive David for the hurt and abandonment he has inflicted upon myself and my family.  And Jesus, I want to love David the way YOU love him.  I want to be able to see him as YOU see him.  I want to see that pearl, that jewel - that person that YOU love and died for.  You died for DAVID because you love him.  I want to love him like that, see him as YOU see him.  Please help me to see through YOUR eyes."

There may have been more words, more tears, and more prayers, but they are best left at the foot of the Cross between Jesus and myself because they were deeply personal and feelings I needed to share with God.  The Holy Spirit had spoken to my heart.  It was time to learn to love through God's eyes, not my own.

Y'all.  Tuesday nights are hard.  Have I mentioned that yet?

Last night, I was with the most amazing group of people I have ever met, and yet, I was also in a room with people I once called family and thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with - loving, sharing holidays with, and taking care of.  People that no longer make eye contact with me, speak to me, or embrace me.  People who believe I am only at CR to use them for my own personal gain.

And then there is the face of David I see each week through the front glass of our church.  Silently sitting in a pick-up truck, dropping off people he loves and wants to help heal, and then quietly driving away.

Driving away with no healing for himself.

My heart breaks. It just plain 'ole hurts. Because my heart no longer breaks for me and my relationship with David.  It hurts because I see brokenness and captivity.  A man who is lost to a world of addiction and chains of enmeshment.

A man who has learned the behavior of isolating himself from stress, so that he is never quite able to adapt and acquire the skills needed to deal with what life throws him.

I see chains where I know there can be freedom.

Resilience and the ability to deal with life's stresses can be learned with the proper tools of group therapy (like CR, Al-Anon, and AA) and Christian Counseling.  Without them, the mind and spirit remain in a weakened state.

My prayer is that Tuesday nights continue to get easier with time.  God has been prompting me on a few things I need to do on Tuesday nights.  I know what He keeps laying on my heart is going to be hard - mentally, emotionally, and of course - physically.  But He has laid these thoughts on my heart so many times, I am pretty sure it means He is pressing me into acting and following His lead. 

Pray I can be God's hands and feet.  And that after six months of turning inward, I can listen to His words on my heart and turn outward to serve the people that need serving.

Newsflash y'all - it's not all about me.  It's about Jesus.

Tuesday nights are hard.

I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I was in that large group meeting last night for a reason.  I believe that in addition to watching my friends receive their Chips, I was also there for God to speak to my heart. So I could see - through His eyes - what He wanted me to see.

A moment of God breaking through my hard outer shell to take the focus off me and put it back on Him.

If you are struggling with any kind of addiction or have a family member struggling with addiction, please seek out a local Celebrate Recovery group, as well as Christian Counseling.  God loves you. He wants you to experience freedom.  All you have to do is take that first step.

You can break the chains of enmeshment the devil is using to keep you captive.  Break the blindness of isolation and learn what true love and normalcy really look like.  I have faith in you, and I want to see YOU as God sees you.

Happy Wednesday my friends.  Blessings.

Do Not Be Conformed - Romans 12

Good morning.

Taking a moment to traverse down a different path this Monday.

I received an email today that really hit home with me.  I wanted to share it directly to social media, but it's too long.  So, I'm going to share it here.

I hope it resonates with you as well.  Great points to remember, as we let our thoughts take control of us sometimes, when maybe we shouldn't.

I guess God was trying to nail down this exact point to me earlier and into my finite, small human brain, as I laid in there in bed thinking about current events and past memories. Not only did the email I'm about to share arrive in my Inbox, but Proverbs 31 Ministries - at close to the same time - posted this on their social media channels on the exact same subject:

We cannot afford to ignore, pacify or play with our detrimental thoughts. We are encouraged to destroy them. Leave no trace of evidence that they existed.

In Paul’s letter to the church at Corinth, he used aggressive language to describe how believers in Christ are to deal with our thoughts. The words “demolish” and “captive” in 2 Corinthians 10:5 illustrate the seriousness of the battle raging in our minds.

In moments when we are bullied by our thoughts, we can ask ourselves:

Is this thought supported in God’s Word?

If the thought cannot be backed by Scripture, we can ask a second question:

Is there a Scripture that refutes this thought?

This is a hard practice to adopt consistently, but I am determined to embrace Paul’s admonishment.

We do not have to be victims of our thoughts, powerless to control them. We can combat untrue thoughts with the Word of God, who has also gifted counselors, pastors and trusted friends to come alongside us if we need help along the way. We are equipped to demolish and take captive every lie that stands in opposition to the knowledge of God.

Enough said.

I should know better.  But I'm human and still in the grieving process, so I'll allow myself a little grace over this year.  Note that Paul specifically said we are to demolish and take captive our thoughts, so I'll keep pushing through these valley moments. Because he said to.

Here is a little part of the email I received this morning.  I know there are those of you out there that read my writings, and I know you are grieving and hurting.  I know there are days where there is just no escape from the thoughts of the past or how we will make it to the "future."  What does our future even look like now?  But we are just going to have to hold on and trust in a loving God.

Others may have made the decision to leave us, but God Himself said He never would.  So while your faith in humanity may have escaped you for this moment in time or your trust levels may have dropped to an all-time low, try to pin that very precise thought of GOD saying He would never leave you somewhere in the furthest corners of your mind and then cling to it for dear life.  We are going to make it friends.  I promise.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect”

(Romans 12:2).

The day may not go the way you want it to, not according to your plan. The plan to do this or do that may not be accomplished. The desire to be measured by standards of this world may not be fulfilled. But daughter, I don’t care about those things. I look to your heart. I care about the rich beauty held there, the depth of feeling and caring beyond yourself and your own desires, which only I can measure.

I have written you. I have created this heart of yours. I have created your mind and I know your personality, your will, the way you think about yourself, how you measure yourself, how you assess whether you rise or fall. And I have not made you to measure yourself. I have not made you to judge your worth. I have not made you to think so much about whether or not you are good or you are bad, you are successful or you have failed.

You are My girl. You are My daughter. You are the created one. You are created to point to Me, give honor to Me, worship Me. And because this is how you are made, this is what will bring you joy. This is the only thing that will end the striving, end the attempt to be a different person than whom I’ve created, so perfectly, so intently. 

Trying to live your life in step with the rhythm of this world rather than the way I have made you will bring exhaustion, ultimately, to your heart. Let it sing and have room to breathe and be fulfilled! My love will fill you; it will fill your heart, if you want it to. So, put your hand upon your heart. Feel the beating rhythm I have created. It is rhythm of Home, of freedom, of rescue, of a life you were designed, by My breath to live.

*Excerpt above courtesy of The Loop - Ministry for Women.

Holding Places - Can We Really Trust God?

 

Good morning.  

I'm not really sure how my writing is going to go today.  My heart is tender.  Heck, my entire self is tender and it feels like I'm walking on a tightrope across Tallulah Gorge.

My life started spiraling downward Sunday night when my now ex (wow - that is extremely hard to say - something I never dreamed I'd have to say and still do not want to say) unfriended me on social media and then called - not me but - my brother and sister-in-law.

I never got the chance to talk through problems or feelings he had been harboring inside his heart.  I never got to explain myself or ask for forgiveness.  I never got a chance to make amends.

Our love and relationship was never given the respect it deserved.  Our relationship was just tossed to the side so that one person could escape their hurt and retreat to a safe place.  No extended hand, in love, was given so that repairs might be made.  Just abandonment and self focus.

Sometimes, life isn't fair.  Sometimes, you might have to understand a person isn't equally yoked with you at a moment in time.

David & I had talked about the future so many times.  We had talked about who would marry us.  Where we would get married.  Where we would live.  How we would sell my house to obtain funds to build a home in Dahlonega.  How he would move in with me until the Lord provided a path to our new life in North Georgia.

So, I had no reason to doubt the future or the upcoming attacks the devil would besiege upon us.

Unbeknownst to me, there was another underlying disease that always threatened our relationship, and I was so naïve and unaware of this until our separation for "time and space" 10 weeks ago.

When that break came, the Lord began to open miracle doors for me.  I met one child of an abused Father who told me her story.  Then, I sat down with two of my best friends (a couple).  The wife was the child of an alcoholic.  Then, my brother came to me with a story of how his ex-wife's Father was an alcoholic.  

Miraculously, God stitched all three of these stories together over three different days!  Each person that shared their story did not know I had received another person's story!  All stories mirrored each other, but more importantly, each person's story mirrored my ex's story as well as his family's.

I don't know why God never gave me this information before.  Maybe my perception of the disease and our relationship, and what I have now learned is called ENMESHMENT in AA circles, would have changed.  Maybe I would have been more understanding to what was going on.  Maybe more patient, more giving. More loving, more kind.

But God did not.

On Tuesday of this week, one of our teachers came and sat in my office.  He is half my age, engaged to be married, and a kind and gentle soul.  Earlier in the day, he and another teacher had come to sit in my office during lunch.  During our conversation, they asked about my ex.  During that conversation, I revealed there were some outside influences I had been unable to battle with throughout the last five years and how my family and myself had been stumped as to why things in the relationship had stopped progressing forward.

That singular conversation was the catalyst for his returning to my office hours later to share his story.

Through sharing his story (also the child of an alcoholic), my teacher friend was able to help me understand that I may have been a "lighthouse" for my ex.  A safe spot, a landing area - but in reality, that was all I could ever hope to be.  He explained to me the term ENMESHMENT and what it means inside the AA and Al-Anon community.  Years of counseling and attending meetings had given him the knowledge to pass along to me and my situation.

Despite promises of marriage, who would marry us, where we would live, etc., the power of ENMESHMENT in an addiction family is far too great for any one individual to be free from on their own accord.  It takes counseling and joining support groups to break the bond(s).

To understand the disease of alcoholism, you must have experienced it in some way.  For me, it was finally being able to sit down with five different families who were battling the disease with someone in their family.  All five stories came on different days, at different times, and from people who did not know each other.  I call that Divine intervention.

My teacher friend also shared, through tender words, how I was viewed as the enemy since I was outside the family.  I never felt like the enemy; I was only ever showed love and acceptance by my ex's family.  In truth, I love them as if they were my own.  I have no issues with any of them, and I miss being around them tremendously.

But this is what ENMESHMENT does.  It ties the family members together with powerful, dysfunctional ties and views any attempt to leave or separate from the family or anyone that doesn't become fully immeshed into the family as a threat to the family unit as a whole.  Thus, I was the element that was threatening separation instead of integration.  And because of my "pressure," my ex could not mentally, emotionally, or physically process leaving his Parents.  So, after ten weeks of battling emotions and trying to make decisions, the ENMESHMENT won and the "enemy" was cast out so that peace could remain within the (dysfunctional) family unit.

I want to be clear that each of the people or families I sat down with were all gentle in explaining the disease, and each one stressed to me that no matter what "offenses" I committed, the result would have probably remained the same as families of alcoholics normally do not separate but stay close to each other unless a person within the family leaves home at an early age or is strong enough to break free and seek group support and counseling.

(Disclaimer:  My friend explaining all this to me was the person able to "break free" from his parents, after meeting his fiancé.  They started counseling together as well as support groups.  His fiancé is now viewed as the outsider and "enemy" at family functions.)

So, all that said - Until counseling is undertaken or AA or Al-Anon classes are joined and attended regularly and with consistency, my ex will never be able to leave his situation.  It would be virtually impossible.  And that just breaks my heart, as ENMESHMENT won the battle, and I lost my best friend.

For me, it was a moment the lightbulb finally came on.  My family had been asking my ex to move a mere 20 min. down the road, but it always seemed an impossible feat for him to accomplish - or something he didn't have a clear answer to.  He just kept repeating he didn't want to leave his Parents and son, and at almost 50 years old, we just didn't understand it.  At the time, a few weeks ago, my sister-in-law said through her tears, "We are stumped. We just don't understand it."

Now, God has given us the answer we have been seeking.

Through these stories, from families suffering with the diseases of alcoholism and addiction, we can witness personal victories and escapes.  God has shown us what the devil can do.  How he works through the disease of addiction to break families apart or keep them together dysfunctionally.

I can now fully understand the battles and walls I was up against and how I could never win the war.

Only self-awareness, Jesus, AA, & Al-Anon can help people break the bonds of this disease and move on to functional lives.

Having the answer, though, doesn't take away the pain of loss.

I still lost my best friend and partner of the last five years.  I still lost times and experiences we shared. I still lost the plans we had for our future.  I still lost our soul-to-soul connection, where Jesus blesses you with the kind of sweet love you feel deep within in your chest.  I felt like I had known and loved David forever, and I knew I would love him forever.  I was looking forward to growing old together.

And I still feel like I've lost the best part of me.

I've lost the vacations we shared together.  I've lost the at-home times we shared together, cooking supper or watching TV.  I've lost my extended family.  My family has lost a member.

So yes - I am in a holding place.

Will Jesus close my heart to David?  Will He remove the love that remains?  I don't know.  I shudder to think of it.

Or will He keep me on my knees praying for things like salvation or rescue from IMMESHMENT?  Will Jesus allow David's heart to remain pliable and not grow hard?  I don't know.

Will Jesus allow David to eventually gain vision for his part in some things, ask for my forgiveness, and get the help both he and his family need?  I don't know.

Only Jesus has the answers to both my outcome and David's outcome.  I pray it's not truly the end, but if it is - and David's heart remains turned away, I will trust in God to carry me through and bless my life as I continue to follow His path.

The PROCESS will continue with me having a break down on some days, with ugly crying moments, and with questions asking God why He didn't show me things earlier.

I will keep asking God, "What can I do if my pleas for forgiveness are not accepted?"  "Can You forgive me for my part in breaking things between David and me?"  "Can You restore me and grant new life?"

There are so many pieces and layers to our prayers when families break up.  Hearts can become hard when Jesus asks us to keep them pliable.  Vision can be impaired when God asks us to outfit ourselves with the Belt of Truth.  The devil can influence and whisper his persuasions into our loved ones' (and our own) ears when God asks us to put on the Helmet of Salvation and lift our Shield of Faith to defend ourselves from the evil one's darts.

Just keep presenting your brokenness and prayers to the Lord each day - or on those really deep in the valley days, each hour or minute.

So - now that we understand we are in a holding place, how do we keep going forward each day?  I don't know.  I'm still working on this part truthfully!

I guess we just keep trusting God, take the breakdowns as they flood our Spirit, and then rest.  Keep praying.  Keep claiming Scripture over ourselves and our loved ones. Keep dumping and surrendering our thoughts at the foot of God's Throne.

That's all I know how to do anyway.  I keep ugly crying.  I keep praying.  I hold on.

Even if it's by a thread.

I hope Jesus restores me soon.  I have faith He will.

I know I can't break the ENMESHMENT or disease of alcoholism.  Only Jesus can do that.  But I can pray over people I love, and I can thank God for the wisdom He bestowed upon me.  That's all I can do.  Keep my heart pliable, and my eyes on God.

This morning, I read what is quoted below.  I thought I'd share.  Holding places can be TERRIBLE, but it is in these holding places that we grow and are bestowed wisdom.  I am taking my yesterday and giving it to God.  That's all I know to do...

"We often become anxious for the mountaintop moments in life, but as one of my mentors, Greg Gorman, says, “Vegetation doesn’t exist on the mountaintop. The valley is where you get fed.”

Holding places provide opportunities to be liberated from false mindsets around our identity. When we surrender to the process, we allow our Father to hold us and teach us to trust Him. Amid the wandering, He makes this promise in Exodus 33:14, “My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”

Prayer:

Dear Father, thank you for the process of removing the lies surrounding my identity. Thank you that I am your child and dearly loved by you. Thank you for your good gifts, even gifts in holding patterns. Help me to step into full freedom and to trust you. Help me to understand the goodness of your character and your intentions towards me. Help me to rest in you and not in the outcome of my circumstances. Amen.

Release

 

Today's word.  RELEASE.

Man, I must be tired.  I slept about ten hours last night.  My mind, my heart, and my emotions are worn out from the last five weeks and more specifically - from the last ten days.

I have wrestled with God.  And this morning I laid in bed and prayed, "God, I'm done.  I give up.  He's yours.  Take him."

At some point, you have to realize that some people cannot be saved, no matter how much you fight for them.  No matter how much you love them.  No matter how many times you have said the same words over and over to them.  No matter how many times your family members have pleaded the same words over and over to them.

Sometimes, you have to take the hurt and release it and the person you have been trying to save.

It's up to God now.  As a people and a tribe, we have tried.  We have all failed.  There seems to be no amount of words or Scripture that can help.

So today's word is release.  I release my partner.  I refuse to be treated in a manner that is so undeserved.  No communication or working through feelings or thoughts.  Silent treatments.  Ignoring when in the same room.  I am worthy.  I am a child of God, and after five years of sharing life, being in love, creating a partnership, promises of a future together, and a commitment to an us, I refuse to continue to be treated in a manner worthy of someone in a position so much less. The disrespect given to me and this relationship over the past ten days has been unexpected and should not be permitted in a Christian relationship that was once blooming, fruitful, and Christ-centered.

I have placed too much focus on him, the silence, and my heartache.  I can't do it anymore.  It's ruining me, and I'm not living life.  I want to be alive again.  I want to heal and be filled again.  

So take him God.  He is yours.  Carve out the path you desire for him.  Use him for the purposes you have for him.

I will always pray that you allow our paths to cross again or our relationship to reunite and heal, but despite all my prayers, you have not allowed that to happen thus far.  I will continue to pray that you grant him courage and bravery.  That you grant him the ability to step out of a lifestyle that has become comfortable and to face the evil of fear and overcome it.  I will continue to pray that you instill in him a desire to fight for the things that are true and real and matter most.

I am so thankful you gave him to me for five years.  My life is forever changed.  I will always love him and the life we carved out together. My heart will always hold hope of a future together.  But this morning, I can't shoulder the heaviness of the hurt any longer and I can't take the level of disrespect a day more.  So today's word is release.

As God always does, He shows up right on time.  Thank you Proverbs 31 for being the first thing I read this morning:

One definition of “belonging” is “the feeling of security and support when there is a sense of acceptance, inclusion, and identity for a member of a certain group.” When we belong, we’re right where we’re supposed to be.

Today’s key verse shows us the ultimate source of belonging in the midst of our brokenness: “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).

In our pain, our loving heavenly Father runs to us, is near to us, and comforts us with His presence and the peace only He can provide. In our pain, we belong close to our Savior. It’s the best place for us to be.

My daughter’s response to her father’s care didn't surprise me and probably doesn’t surprise you either: We recognize the blessing of a loving father who ran to his child and comforted her. We would expect her to receive that gift gladly and rest in it.

But when circumstances shatter our lives, instead of allowing God to come close and put our broken pieces back together, I think we sometimes pull away. Instead of allowing God to care for our wounds, we cover them and recoil. After all, wounds hurt, and we fear that exposing them will only hurt more.

But as with an untreated physical wound, untreated heart wounds grow more and more tender. Though covered up, the wounds get worse, and if they’re not treated, infection will spread and create even more hurt.

The first step to belonging is to bring our brokenness to Jesus. Instead of tirelessly trying to fix things ourselves, we can let Jesus put the broken pieces of our hearts back together.

God doesn’t want us to spend our lives endlessly trying to keep it together. He wants to heal us, fill us, and lead us to the rest found in His arms when we belong to Him.

Dear God, I know You see the wounds in my heart. Today, I bring You my broken pieces. I desire Your healing and the rest found in Your arms. Give me the courage to trust You. Lead me to the belonging You created for me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

The God of the Impossible

 

I was sitting down this morning, frustrated in how my morning was going.  I slept in (6:30 a.m. for me), so I missed the "dark" part of the morning.  The part of day where I find myself to be the most creative and the most open to listening.  I had already reheated my cold cup of coffee twice.  My cat plopped himself right on top of my desk, right between my coffee cup - my piles - and my laptop.  My foot was swollen and hurting more (see my most recent Instagram post for that update).  To say I was in a crappy mood was an understatement.

I scrolled through my social media accounts, DM'd a few girlfriends funny posts, and texted back and forth with a few people.  Not exactly the order I do things each morning, but my mood was not allowing for much more.

I "reluctantly" turned over to my "Jesus time," thinking, "It's morning.  I gotta do it."  And then this...

Luke 1:38.  Mary's very short and succinct word to the Angel standing before her, "I am the Lord's servant.  May your word to me be fulfilled."  Ouch.

I'm pretty sure Mary's spoken response to the Lord's Angel was not intended to "zing" us, but as with all Scripture, it is fluid and it changes.  You can read a story one day and it not affect you at all, and then you may read it another day when you are struggling with something, and BAM!  It is suddenly full of meaning.

Hence, today's reading.

Mary said, "I am the Lord's servant.  May your word to me be fulfilled."

She was 16 you guys.  SIXTEEN.  How many 16-year olds have that kind of maturity?  Some maybe.  But not a great majority I don't think.  Yet, it was a different time and so much more was expected of 16-year olds in Mary's day.

She was pledged to be married already and GOD (yes, GOD) chose her to bear His son.  AT SIXTEEN.  Stop and digest that a minute.  Can you even imagine that at 16?  I know I can't.  I was an entirely different person at 16, and I certainly didn't know the Lord on the personal level I do now.  I cannot imagine being pledged to marry someone or an Angel of the Lord appearing to me.

Wow, what a beautiful soul Mary must have been.

And yet, all she is recorded as saying is, "I am the Lord's servant.  May your word to me be fulfilled."

As I read my devotion today (below for those of you that need a word this morning), that's the one thing I came away with.  

No matter what is going on in your life.  No matter what physical, emotional, or mental battle you are struggling with - the ONLY thing you have to do is SERVE GOD today.  

So I am going to take Mary's words today and apply it to myself, "I am your servant Lord.  May your Word to me be fulfilled."  Change my attitude today - embrace the late start, the cold coffee sitting in the microwave, and the cat who has his head on my computer mouse and paw on my screen.

It's one week, exactly, before Christmas, and I have a LIST like the rest of my family and friends - but instead of embracing the crappy feelings swelling up inside of me and possibly swirling downhill, I'm going to try and refocus and redirect on Mary today.  Try to embrace the person she was - her true, inner core of a person.

Sometimes, Mary gets looked over all and by-passed too quickly in the story of Jesus.  Today, let's embrace those two simple sentences the Holy Spirit thought were important enough to be included in Scripture.  I think they can make a difference.

“The God of the Impossible”

As we move forward through the Christmas season, we realize even in the simple beginning of the story of Jesus’ conception and birth, God is a God of the impossible. God made an unlikely choice in choosing a poor, young woman. Her humble life seemed to make her an unlikely choice for such a great task.

We know that God is a God of the impossible because Gabriel tells Mary that she will conceive and give birth to a son. Mary is a virgin. She feels unworthy and unfit for such a role. Gabriel makes clear that all of this will happen through the Holy Spirit. Her response is “I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come true.” In all humility, she accepts what has been said to her. 

We too feel unworthy, uneducated, unprepared, and unable to embrace our new future in Christ. We even feel this way about our health journey, but I must remind you that our God is a God of the impossible. We can accomplish everything he calls us to do.

Our God is a God of the impossible. Jesus came so that we might have life and that life can be a healthy life. Let’s embrace the healthy life that Jesus has for us.

What greater expectation can we have this Christmas? Realize that Jesus brought to us the gift of eternal life and that life begins in the present. Life starts now."

Pushing Forward and Looking Inward

 

Good morning sweet readers.  I'm waking up this morning with a little bit of a headache and after a not-so-good day yesterday.

But with some items on the To Do list, I threw back the covers, scratched the puppy's head, and stumbled to the kitchen to make my coffee.

And thus, made my way back to my bedroom desk to sip and read.  Imagine my surprise when Jesus showed up and said, "Today, we are flipping this around to look at you."

"Um, what did you say Jesus?  I am the one that needs healing here.  What words can you give me today to help in the process?"

"No my child.  Today, we are going to look inward."  Insert this emoji ⏩😬

This morning, I am waking up feeling more of a peace than I have felt the last 11 days.  I feel the grace of Jesus and I actually feel like extending it outward.  At this point in my journey, I have no idea if that is the right thing to do - but I think Jesus wants me to meet people where they are, not drag them to me.

In case you are struggling, let me share today's reading with you.  I know it was intended for an outward action, but Jesus applied it to me.  I hope I am getting it and hearing Him like I should (emphasis by me):

What will happen? That’s the big worry, the great unknown: you don’t know what will happen when you finally admit that your family is in trouble. 

And when we don’t know something, we can be afraid of it. So if you have a fear of admission, you’re in great company! 

But the crazy thing is—and I’ve seen this over and over—once you admit your problem, that very same problem gets easier to live with. It’s much more work to keep your family’s secret a secret, while the benefits of admitting your family’s struggles far outweigh the hassles of tamping it down. 

For one thing, when you admit your problem, you’ll suddenly find people crawling out of the woodwork to say, “Me too!”. It’s crazy to find out how many of your coworkers, neighbors, friends, and fellow churchgoers have gone through the exact same thing. 

Admission also provides a great opportunity to learn from those who’ve been through it. Why bang your head against a wall when someone can come along and show you where the sledgehammer is? 

You’ll find the willing arms of a community of people, a network of shoulders to cry on, hands to hold, and knees to hit in prayer. 

And who couldn’t use more of that?  

Before we can come to grips with dealing with our children’s addictive propensities, we need to take a personal spiritual inventory. Once we have looked inward we can better deal with the social and cultural taboos of assisting our addictive children. Indeed, coming clean with the dirty, little family secrets is a huge step toward healing. 

I admit that I have struggled with having an addictive child while believing I “practiced what I preached.” 

When we own our shortcomings as parents, and trust God with our kids, then we are able to lay the choices of our children squarely on their backs. Then and only then can we admit that we have some family issues. 

Of course we would all do some things differently as parents, but addiction is an illness, and hiding the illness serves no purpose. It would be paramount to feeling ashamed that our offspring has cancer.

There is a tendency to refuse to admit our struggle with hurts, hang-ups, and habits. We are prone to say, “I’ve got this thing,” Sometimes God sends other people into our lives to help us see those blind spots. This is called an intervention! These are hard, painful experiences, but we must be willing to hurt someone’s feelings in order to help them. 

Even God has dealt with some of His children through interventions, like Isaiah, who said “Woe is me… I am a man of unclean lips,” or Paul: “Oh wretched man am I, who shall deliver me from the body of death,” or Peter: “Depart from me Lord for I am a sinful man.” These are men who came to face to face with their faults and admitted them after God shone upon them. 

Remember: the first step to healing is to admit that you have a problem. 

Wow.  Maybe that doesn't hit or effect everyone like it did me a few minutes ago, but I heard it loud and clear.

While I do feel a bit like Peter and Paul from my failings and fall in my relationships, I do also understand that admitting your weaknesses and failings allows others in the body of Christ to say, "We love you" and wrap their love around you.  That's what I have experienced over the past 11 days.

"Coming clean," so to speak has allowed me to breathe and say, "Here is my struggle and how it affected me."  It allowed others to say, "I struggle with that too!" It allowed my friends to say, "We love you; take my hand."  It allowed, most importantly, Jesus to say, "I love you; I hear you.  Now, here's what I need you to do going forward."

So, short and simple this morning.  Phillipians 2:3-5, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.  Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.  In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus."

I'm learning to breathe.  I'm learning to take baby steps.  I'm learning to turn myself inside out.  I've taken a lot of baby steps this weekend - driving two hours away by myself to a friend's funeral; going to a church service by myself to see a friend and her husband sing; going to one of my best friend's homes to make pizzelles with her in-laws.  Things I probably would have said NO to before and shrunk away from to stay home, where it was safe and in control.  But those baby steps came with renewed friendships, new friendships, and amazing memories.

Thank you Jesus for holding my hand and showing me the world isn't as scary as I thought it might be going out by myself.  I am so grateful for a Jesus that loves us, forgives us, and teaches us new things every day.  I can't wait to see what today has in store...