Back to KINDNESS

 

"Father, I pray You would help me to always remember that it was because of Your loving kindness that I am here where I stand today.

May this always be at the forefront of my mind and heart as I go forth in my interactions with others so my words will carry greater weight as Your kindness is produced in me and displayed through me. Amen."

* * * * *

Wednesdays are long days for me.  A full day at my day job and then off to visit my Counselor for our weekly meeting and then off again for my women's Wednesday night Bible Study at church.

By the time I get home, I am tired.  A quick change into warm, cozy pajamas and then into bed.  Usually, no TV.  Just a quick glance of phone notifications before turning off the lights and snuggling up with my furry family members to sleep.

Over the last few weeks, I have been learning about the fifth Fruit of the Spirit - kindness.  It is one I have tried to dig deep into.

We often think of ourselves as kind and view ourselves through that qualifying magnifying glass.  But it is how others view us that we must really keep at the forefront of our thinking.  If others we cross paths with do not view us as kind, are we really being kind and producing this Fruit of the Spirit in our lives?

Last night, I had one of the most impactful dreams I have ever had.  I feel sure it was God's Holy Spirit impressing upon me the importance of this fifth Fruit of the Spirit - kindness.

The Old Testament is ripe with stories of God speaking to His people through dreams.  At the beginning of mankind, there were no writings or Scripture for people to read, study, or for God to speak to His people through.  Later on, even when the Scriptures were available, they were normally only read in the Temple; people did not own a personal copy as we do today.  Because of this, God would often speak to His people through dreams.

We don't hear of God speaking to His people through dreams much anymore, but our God is still the same God today as he was in Genesis and Exodus.  He is still abundantly able to use our dreams to communicate with us.

All through last night, for a solid and straight six hours, God took me on a journey over the last 11 years.  Showing me each relationship I have been in during those years (albeit and thankfully, not many!) and how my words and actions might have impacted my partners.

One scene I can still vividly remember seeing from last night was from about 11 years ago.  I was going through the final stages of my divorce.  My ex-husband's and my lawyer had both said it was the nicest and most cordial divorce they had ever been through.  We had tried to remember who we were as Christians and treated each other with respect and kindness through our mediation.

Greg had decided to let me remain in our house, so the boys could stay in their surroundings and not be disrupted by the divorce.  He agreed to move about a mile down the street so they boys could still be close to their Dad.

I remember driving home on the day Greg and his Parents were packing up his things and moving furniture.  I pulled into our cul-de-sac and saw cars in the driveway.  They were still there busy loading up his things. I didn't want to go inside or near the house.  I knew it would be terribly hard and awkward.  So, after sitting there for a few minutes, I drove away knowing it would be the last time Greg would be a part of our home.

It was a sad day.  A memory God presented and allowed to come to me in my dream last night.  My little red Honda Element sitting in the cul-de-sac, across from my driveway.  I could see all the cars there, and I remembered thinking Greg was inside packing and moving the furniture he was taking with him.

When that day actually occurred, in real life, I had been relieved.  Greg and I had lived together through our divorce, and I had done most of my grieving over the months leading up to the divorce.  I was ready to exhale and begin a new life.  But in my dream last night, God's Spirit impressed upon me how Greg must have been feeling that day - I felt a heavy weight of empathy envelop me.  How sad Greg must have been to leave a house and a home we built together for almost 20 years and how hard it must have been to leave his two boys to move to a house down the street all alone.

One by one, the Lord presented different situations to me - each time surrounding me with the heavy weight of empathy, the other person's feelings, and what it must have felt like to be on the other side of me.

I woke up wide awake and with a burden that felt like a heavy sack of grain on my shoulders.  The sadness was overwhelming.

I didn't know who that girl was in my dream.  She was surely not the same person I am today.  I was overcome with guilt and empathy for the people my life had intersected with.  I got up, showered, and tried to get ready for my day at work.  I tried to shake the feelings I had been given and the images the Lord presented to me overnight, but about 30 min. into my morning routine, I was overcome with a deep need to speak to the Lord.

I stopped what I was doing and sat down on my bed.  I bowed my head and began to pray.  Thirty minutes later, I had given my burdens to the Lord.  I'd laid them at His feet and asked Him to remove them from me. I apologized and asked for forgiveness, and I had - most importantly - asked Him to instill kindness within my nature so I could produce this fifth Fruit of the Spirit.  

"Lord, I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.  Please help me to remember these moments and learn from them.  I don't want to hurt anyone anymore."

Kindness is a hard Fruit of the Spirit to produce sometimes.  People try our patience.  People hurt us.  But yet, if we abide in Christ, we should be able to overcome the obstacles the devil puts in our path to produce the Fruits of the Spirit.

In Romans 2:4, the Bible says, "...or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness...not realizing that God's kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?"

That was the first Scripture I read this morning.  Kind of unbelievable, but yet God is always right on time.

The kindness of God leads us to repentance, just like I experienced last night.  God's kindness last night led me to repenting and asking for forgiveness for my past.  It taught me about kindness and how to produce it.

When we are kind, God will use it to draw people to us.

"As the Holy Spirit works in us, transforming us, pouring the image of Christ in us, pouring His kindness into us, it’s that fruit that will lead to the salvation of people around us. It’s not us winning an argument or showing them how much we know. It’s the evidence of God’s work in us, of His kindness, that leads to repentance and gives true credibility to our message."

I am incredibly thankful for a God that forgives (and forgets) our transgressions and loves us so much, He knows we can change and he shows us how to do so with gentleness and love.

I am grateful He taught me about kindness last night.  I can't wait to begin producing fruit...

* * * * *

"Dear Lord, thank you for your forgiving nature.  The ability to forget and forgive our transgressions.  Your deep love for me is astounding.  You change me all the time, and I am so thankful for new chances every morning.

I want to be the person You desire for me to be.  I want to show people who You truly are - Your kind and gentle nature - drawing more to You each day.

Thank you for new beginnings.  I love you. Amen."

Holding Places - Can We Really Trust God?

 

Good morning.  

I'm not really sure how my writing is going to go today.  My heart is tender.  Heck, my entire self is tender and it feels like I'm walking on a tightrope across Tallulah Gorge.

My life started spiraling downward Sunday night when my now ex (wow - that is extremely hard to say - something I never dreamed I'd have to say and still do not want to say) unfriended me on social media and then called - not me but - my brother and sister-in-law.

I never got the chance to talk through problems or feelings he had been harboring inside his heart.  I never got to explain myself or ask for forgiveness.  I never got a chance to make amends.

Our love and relationship was never given the respect it deserved.  Our relationship was just tossed to the side so that one person could escape their hurt and retreat to a safe place.  No extended hand, in love, was given so that repairs might be made.  Just abandonment and self focus.

Sometimes, life isn't fair.  Sometimes, you might have to understand a person isn't equally yoked with you at a moment in time.

David & I had talked about the future so many times.  We had talked about who would marry us.  Where we would get married.  Where we would live.  How we would sell my house to obtain funds to build a home in Dahlonega.  How he would move in with me until the Lord provided a path to our new life in North Georgia.

So, I had no reason to doubt the future or the upcoming attacks the devil would besiege upon us.

Unbeknownst to me, there was another underlying disease that always threatened our relationship, and I was so naïve and unaware of this until our separation for "time and space" 10 weeks ago.

When that break came, the Lord began to open miracle doors for me.  I met one child of an abused Father who told me her story.  Then, I sat down with two of my best friends (a couple).  The wife was the child of an alcoholic.  Then, my brother came to me with a story of how his ex-wife's Father was an alcoholic.  

Miraculously, God stitched all three of these stories together over three different days!  Each person that shared their story did not know I had received another person's story!  All stories mirrored each other, but more importantly, each person's story mirrored my ex's story as well as his family's.

I don't know why God never gave me this information before.  Maybe my perception of the disease and our relationship, and what I have now learned is called ENMESHMENT in AA circles, would have changed.  Maybe I would have been more understanding to what was going on.  Maybe more patient, more giving. More loving, more kind.

But God did not.

On Tuesday of this week, one of our teachers came and sat in my office.  He is half my age, engaged to be married, and a kind and gentle soul.  Earlier in the day, he and another teacher had come to sit in my office during lunch.  During our conversation, they asked about my ex.  During that conversation, I revealed there were some outside influences I had been unable to battle with throughout the last five years and how my family and myself had been stumped as to why things in the relationship had stopped progressing forward.

That singular conversation was the catalyst for his returning to my office hours later to share his story.

Through sharing his story (also the child of an alcoholic), my teacher friend was able to help me understand that I may have been a "lighthouse" for my ex.  A safe spot, a landing area - but in reality, that was all I could ever hope to be.  He explained to me the term ENMESHMENT and what it means inside the AA and Al-Anon community.  Years of counseling and attending meetings had given him the knowledge to pass along to me and my situation.

Despite promises of marriage, who would marry us, where we would live, etc., the power of ENMESHMENT in an addiction family is far too great for any one individual to be free from on their own accord.  It takes counseling and joining support groups to break the bond(s).

To understand the disease of alcoholism, you must have experienced it in some way.  For me, it was finally being able to sit down with five different families who were battling the disease with someone in their family.  All five stories came on different days, at different times, and from people who did not know each other.  I call that Divine intervention.

My teacher friend also shared, through tender words, how I was viewed as the enemy since I was outside the family.  I never felt like the enemy; I was only ever showed love and acceptance by my ex's family.  In truth, I love them as if they were my own.  I have no issues with any of them, and I miss being around them tremendously.

But this is what ENMESHMENT does.  It ties the family members together with powerful, dysfunctional ties and views any attempt to leave or separate from the family or anyone that doesn't become fully immeshed into the family as a threat to the family unit as a whole.  Thus, I was the element that was threatening separation instead of integration.  And because of my "pressure," my ex could not mentally, emotionally, or physically process leaving his Parents.  So, after ten weeks of battling emotions and trying to make decisions, the ENMESHMENT won and the "enemy" was cast out so that peace could remain within the (dysfunctional) family unit.

I want to be clear that each of the people or families I sat down with were all gentle in explaining the disease, and each one stressed to me that no matter what "offenses" I committed, the result would have probably remained the same as families of alcoholics normally do not separate but stay close to each other unless a person within the family leaves home at an early age or is strong enough to break free and seek group support and counseling.

(Disclaimer:  My friend explaining all this to me was the person able to "break free" from his parents, after meeting his fiancé.  They started counseling together as well as support groups.  His fiancé is now viewed as the outsider and "enemy" at family functions.)

So, all that said - Until counseling is undertaken or AA or Al-Anon classes are joined and attended regularly and with consistency, my ex will never be able to leave his situation.  It would be virtually impossible.  And that just breaks my heart, as ENMESHMENT won the battle, and I lost my best friend.

For me, it was a moment the lightbulb finally came on.  My family had been asking my ex to move a mere 20 min. down the road, but it always seemed an impossible feat for him to accomplish - or something he didn't have a clear answer to.  He just kept repeating he didn't want to leave his Parents and son, and at almost 50 years old, we just didn't understand it.  At the time, a few weeks ago, my sister-in-law said through her tears, "We are stumped. We just don't understand it."

Now, God has given us the answer we have been seeking.

Through these stories, from families suffering with the diseases of alcoholism and addiction, we can witness personal victories and escapes.  God has shown us what the devil can do.  How he works through the disease of addiction to break families apart or keep them together dysfunctionally.

I can now fully understand the battles and walls I was up against and how I could never win the war.

Only self-awareness, Jesus, AA, & Al-Anon can help people break the bonds of this disease and move on to functional lives.

Having the answer, though, doesn't take away the pain of loss.

I still lost my best friend and partner of the last five years.  I still lost times and experiences we shared. I still lost the plans we had for our future.  I still lost our soul-to-soul connection, where Jesus blesses you with the kind of sweet love you feel deep within in your chest.  I felt like I had known and loved David forever, and I knew I would love him forever.  I was looking forward to growing old together.

And I still feel like I've lost the best part of me.

I've lost the vacations we shared together.  I've lost the at-home times we shared together, cooking supper or watching TV.  I've lost my extended family.  My family has lost a member.

So yes - I am in a holding place.

Will Jesus close my heart to David?  Will He remove the love that remains?  I don't know.  I shudder to think of it.

Or will He keep me on my knees praying for things like salvation or rescue from IMMESHMENT?  Will Jesus allow David's heart to remain pliable and not grow hard?  I don't know.

Will Jesus allow David to eventually gain vision for his part in some things, ask for my forgiveness, and get the help both he and his family need?  I don't know.

Only Jesus has the answers to both my outcome and David's outcome.  I pray it's not truly the end, but if it is - and David's heart remains turned away, I will trust in God to carry me through and bless my life as I continue to follow His path.

The PROCESS will continue with me having a break down on some days, with ugly crying moments, and with questions asking God why He didn't show me things earlier.

I will keep asking God, "What can I do if my pleas for forgiveness are not accepted?"  "Can You forgive me for my part in breaking things between David and me?"  "Can You restore me and grant new life?"

There are so many pieces and layers to our prayers when families break up.  Hearts can become hard when Jesus asks us to keep them pliable.  Vision can be impaired when God asks us to outfit ourselves with the Belt of Truth.  The devil can influence and whisper his persuasions into our loved ones' (and our own) ears when God asks us to put on the Helmet of Salvation and lift our Shield of Faith to defend ourselves from the evil one's darts.

Just keep presenting your brokenness and prayers to the Lord each day - or on those really deep in the valley days, each hour or minute.

So - now that we understand we are in a holding place, how do we keep going forward each day?  I don't know.  I'm still working on this part truthfully!

I guess we just keep trusting God, take the breakdowns as they flood our Spirit, and then rest.  Keep praying.  Keep claiming Scripture over ourselves and our loved ones. Keep dumping and surrendering our thoughts at the foot of God's Throne.

That's all I know how to do anyway.  I keep ugly crying.  I keep praying.  I hold on.

Even if it's by a thread.

I hope Jesus restores me soon.  I have faith He will.

I know I can't break the ENMESHMENT or disease of alcoholism.  Only Jesus can do that.  But I can pray over people I love, and I can thank God for the wisdom He bestowed upon me.  That's all I can do.  Keep my heart pliable, and my eyes on God.

This morning, I read what is quoted below.  I thought I'd share.  Holding places can be TERRIBLE, but it is in these holding places that we grow and are bestowed wisdom.  I am taking my yesterday and giving it to God.  That's all I know to do...

"We often become anxious for the mountaintop moments in life, but as one of my mentors, Greg Gorman, says, “Vegetation doesn’t exist on the mountaintop. The valley is where you get fed.”

Holding places provide opportunities to be liberated from false mindsets around our identity. When we surrender to the process, we allow our Father to hold us and teach us to trust Him. Amid the wandering, He makes this promise in Exodus 33:14, “My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”

Prayer:

Dear Father, thank you for the process of removing the lies surrounding my identity. Thank you that I am your child and dearly loved by you. Thank you for your good gifts, even gifts in holding patterns. Help me to step into full freedom and to trust you. Help me to understand the goodness of your character and your intentions towards me. Help me to rest in you and not in the outcome of my circumstances. Amen.

Purpose

 

Happy Thursday y'all.

It's a good Thursday here in North Georgia.  I work in a high school, and today my contract ends for the 2021-2022 school year.  Starting tomorrow, it's "summer break," which for us office girls means we get two weeks off.

Not eight weeks like the teachers, but still - a blessing.  Two weeks to do all the projects I have all year been saying, "That's going to be my summer project."  Now that summer is here, I'm not sure two weeks is enough time for all the projects I assigned to it.   :)

There is the garage that (seriously) needs the cobwebs swept and the dust "dusted."  It needs cabinets emptied and reorganized.  It needs charity piles and "for sale" piles.  (Whew.  Tired just thinking about doing all that in the heat.)

There is my rocking chair white front porch that "greens" up easily and needs scrubbing.  All those spindles, the floor, and the railings.  I always wait for summer to do this one because the pollen has ended, and since it's so hot here in Georgia, the cool water is a welcome relief.

There are the business taxes to be done for my various businesses.  The thought of going through my filed e-mails and spreadsheets seems mentally daunting at this moment in time.  But at least I am semi-organized and have them in a file and spreadsheet, right?

It's a lot for one 56-year old woman.  But they are jobs that need tending to, so I do them happily (God bless me, I was born into an Italian immigrant family that never cowered back from hard work).  I learned early on in life, watching my Grandparents (both sets) and my Parents that hard work and self-determination are good things.  Keep learning.  Keep growing.  Keep going until the job is done.

So reading this morning's devotional, reflecting on comparison and admiration, came as nothing new to me.

It is so easy to fall from admiration of those crossing our pathways into the trap of comparison with them.

Because I was raised, as I said above, in hard-working immigrant families, I also learned the "art" of comparison.  It plagued my immediate family.  My Dad was especially ensnared in this trap.  He strived to keep up with the Joneses.  He kept our little family in credit card debt buying new cars, new clothes, and new toys for all of us.  I remember my Mother sitting at her bedroom desk crying because she could not pay the bills in front of her.  I remember their arguing constantly as my Dad went out each night to "play" with those in a league he really didn't belong in and left us at home with our Mother (who, by the way, had no desire to live that lifestyle - she was happy at home with her garden, her children, and her pets).

Their two different outlooks on life eventually led to a divorce and a long road of ups and downs ahead for both of them.  I'm not sure my Dad ever learned to move from comparison into admiration, but I do believe my Mother was eventually able to move to some form of admiration in her later years of life.

For me, myself, I took on my Dad's outlooks in many ways - not the spending of money (I'm pretty frugal), but in the nasty habit of constant comparison with others and his work ethic.  I'd even go so far as to say it ruined my 19-year marriage.  Even though we had a beautiful home, two amazing boys, and all our needs met, I could always hear my Dad's whisper in my ear of how I should be more and have more and how all those crossing our paths - at church, at the kids' schools, and in the work place - always seemed to be a step above us.  Why weren't we like everyone else?  I'm sure I made my exhusband miserable, and if I could go back, I would tell my then 30-year old self - "Move out of comparison and into admiration!"  It's such a dangerous, dangerous trap to fall into!  

Comparison leaves us empty and void.  Admiration fills us and motivates us to great things.

Today's devotional Scripture verse is, "I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.” (Psalm 139:14)"

Keep that in mind as you compare yourself to others and remember that you are who God made you to be. He has made you ON purpose and FOR A purpose.

These days, I guess I have matured and aged out of comparison.  I've moved into admiration (thank you Jesus).  I recognize who I am, and I am ALWAYS asking in prayertime, "God, I am 56.  I don't think I've served any purpose for you.  What is my purpose?  Why am I here, and what do you want out of my life before you take me home?"

I look at my friends and the spiritual gifts they have been given.  I'm no longer jealous of them or trying to figure out how to make myself have the traits they have.  I just admire them (so very much), what they do, how they think, and how God has blessed their own specific pathway.

The Bible says we are all one body, and each of us have a part in it.  My part is not my friend's part.  My friend's part is not my part.  We each have beautiful gifts from the Lord.  Here are a few ways to protect "the way you are made" and to keep you from the pit of comparison:

"Don’t apologize for who you are.

Nurture it.

Value it out loud for everyone to hear and see: “This is how God made me. Isn't it lovely? I am so happy He made me this way."

Remember, we should all "lean in" to each other.  Love each other and ourselves and remember we are made in the image of God.  We are worthy.  I am worthy.  YOU are worthy.

Happy Thursday my friends!

"Dear Lord, I often feel as though I don’t measure up to the standard of who I “should” be. I forget that I am not made to be a clone of those around me, that I am created uniquely on purpose and for a purpose. Help me to love who You created me to be, to see every detail as valuable. In Jesus’ Name, Amen."