Eight Months - Now What?

 

Yesterday marked eight months since my life took a sudden, unforeseen detour.

I could not have imagined what happened, happened.  But it did.  And here I am today.

As life changed and I began to adjust to my new normal, God began to work.

He began to work through my darkest days; He began to work through the lighter days; He began to heal.  He began to open new work opportunities at my church.  He introduced me to new people I can't imagine not interacting with these days.  He brought new interests into my life.

To say God is (only) good would be a huge understatement.

I wondered what eight months would look like.  It's not what I imagined.

Right now, I am working a summer schedule at work - 4, 10-hour days each week.  It is a little tiring at best.  Combined with my Tuesday and Wednesday night schedules, it becomes exhausting.

Last night was rough.  As I continue to traverse through these first 12 months, full of new beginnings and traditions, I continue to struggle.  I know it's a healthy journey.  My Counselor has reaffirmed my mental and emotional health over and over again. But yet - each new event I must work through puts me through the ringer.

Just this weekend, we had our family's annual Memorial Day gathering at the lake.  It's always a larger gathering for all family and friends before the smaller gatherings continue to occur the rest of the season.  I brought a friend, but it was hard thinking back to the Memorial Day and summer season of the year before.  Personalities were different.  Energy levels were different.  It was just different.

And yet, I knew I had to traverse through it.  One more milestone in this 12-month journey into a new life and new beginnings.

I laid in bed last night praying.  Asking God to remove the very last vestiges of David from my heart, my soul.  The anchor (as I described it to one of my best friends over dinner last week) that binds me to him.

I am tired of remembering the intimate bond we shared.  You know the kind.  Those bonds you obtain only after years together with someone.  I want to, instead, remember the times he belittled me at the end - said he was so much happier without me; the time he said I was a mean and terrible person; the time he left me crying and crumbled in a heap beside my car in an empty after-church parking lot.

I want to remember that David is the Adult Child of an Alcoholic ("ACOA").  That he was sick the entire time we were together, bouncing back and forth between my house to his Mother's home.  I want to remember that he couldn't move out of the basement.  That he, in the end, choose to leave our family vacation to head back to Dahlonega for family night ("It was family night; what was I supposed to do?" he screamed at me in the church parking lot.) I want to remember, as my Counselor says, "The relationship was never healthy.  He was always unable to choose you and living an independent life apart from his Parents. There is no way you could have saved or changed him.  Until God reveals his sickness to him and he seeks true help, he will continue on as he is living.  You must release him and your thinking that you could have helped him."

God granted me the peace I sought last night, as my exhausted inner self lied down to sleep.  I woke up this morning praying this short prayer, "God, thank you for your sweet peace last night. Thank you for new life entering my world, but please continue to work through my mind and heart, not only erasing - but removing all memories and feelings for David."  I need the memories, feelings, and anchor removed from me.  I am tired of carrying empathy for David and hurt from him as well.  Both enjoined together, keeping a small part of me captive.

As I opened my devotion at work today, I thought, "God, I need to get back to you.  Nothing is speaking to me anymore.  Where are all the healing moments and words you gave me before at the beginning of this journey?  Speak to me once again and help me continue healing and removing this thorn from my side."

I started reading these words from Francine Rivers:

"The wounds in our past can affect us long after we’ve been rescued from that past. When we have been hurt by other people, we might see relationships as only potential pain. We lean away from the people who reach out to us, careful not to give them any ammunition with which to wound us more. We begin to think of isolation and independence as ideal.

But this is not what God considers best for us. As messy and painful as relationships can be, they also bring us life.

We’re created to care for others and be cared for by them. From the very beginning, God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone.' (Genesis 2:18). He knew that life on this earth would be tough, and we would need others to help us share the load. Romans 12:15 tells us to 'rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.' When others enter into our sorrow, their compassion makes us feel less alone. When others celebrate with us, our joy expands. And when we care enough to share others’ joys and sorrows, our love for them grows and our hearts change. 

Ecclesiastes 4:12 is a reminder that God’s presence is what ultimately makes our relationships work. His presence strengthens our relationships, deepens them, and helps them last. First John 4:12 says, 'If we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.' As we love others, He makes us more like Himself.

Isn't it just like our amazing God to answer a prayer right in the moment we pray and ask for it?

"The wounds in our past can affect us long after we've been rescued from that past. As messy and painful as relationships can be, they also bring us life."

I see you God; I hear you.

My wounds from David's actions, decisions, and words still affect me, even after you rescued me.  And I need to remember that even though my time with David was messy and painful, not all relationships will be that way.  You give us new and long-lasting relationships to bring us life as well.

Thank you Lord for the peace you granted me as I slept last night and the words you so lovingly supplied this morning.  I stand humbled and in awe before you.

As I make my way through this new day, I will remember these words of Scripture and write them upon my heart, "No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us. (1 John 4:12)."

Amen and amen.

Back to KINDNESS

 

"Father, I pray You would help me to always remember that it was because of Your loving kindness that I am here where I stand today.

May this always be at the forefront of my mind and heart as I go forth in my interactions with others so my words will carry greater weight as Your kindness is produced in me and displayed through me. Amen."

* * * * *

Wednesdays are long days for me.  A full day at my day job and then off to visit my Counselor for our weekly meeting and then off again for my women's Wednesday night Bible Study at church.

By the time I get home, I am tired.  A quick change into warm, cozy pajamas and then into bed.  Usually, no TV.  Just a quick glance of phone notifications before turning off the lights and snuggling up with my furry family members to sleep.

Over the last few weeks, I have been learning about the fifth Fruit of the Spirit - kindness.  It is one I have tried to dig deep into.

We often think of ourselves as kind and view ourselves through that qualifying magnifying glass.  But it is how others view us that we must really keep at the forefront of our thinking.  If others we cross paths with do not view us as kind, are we really being kind and producing this Fruit of the Spirit in our lives?

Last night, I had one of the most impactful dreams I have ever had.  I feel sure it was God's Holy Spirit impressing upon me the importance of this fifth Fruit of the Spirit - kindness.

The Old Testament is ripe with stories of God speaking to His people through dreams.  At the beginning of mankind, there were no writings or Scripture for people to read, study, or for God to speak to His people through.  Later on, even when the Scriptures were available, they were normally only read in the Temple; people did not own a personal copy as we do today.  Because of this, God would often speak to His people through dreams.

We don't hear of God speaking to His people through dreams much anymore, but our God is still the same God today as he was in Genesis and Exodus.  He is still abundantly able to use our dreams to communicate with us.

All through last night, for a solid and straight six hours, God took me on a journey over the last 11 years.  Showing me each relationship I have been in during those years (albeit and thankfully, not many!) and how my words and actions might have impacted my partners.

One scene I can still vividly remember seeing from last night was from about 11 years ago.  I was going through the final stages of my divorce.  My ex-husband's and my lawyer had both said it was the nicest and most cordial divorce they had ever been through.  We had tried to remember who we were as Christians and treated each other with respect and kindness through our mediation.

Greg had decided to let me remain in our house, so the boys could stay in their surroundings and not be disrupted by the divorce.  He agreed to move about a mile down the street so they boys could still be close to their Dad.

I remember driving home on the day Greg and his Parents were packing up his things and moving furniture.  I pulled into our cul-de-sac and saw cars in the driveway.  They were still there busy loading up his things. I didn't want to go inside or near the house.  I knew it would be terribly hard and awkward.  So, after sitting there for a few minutes, I drove away knowing it would be the last time Greg would be a part of our home.

It was a sad day.  A memory God presented and allowed to come to me in my dream last night.  My little red Honda Element sitting in the cul-de-sac, across from my driveway.  I could see all the cars there, and I remembered thinking Greg was inside packing and moving the furniture he was taking with him.

When that day actually occurred, in real life, I had been relieved.  Greg and I had lived together through our divorce, and I had done most of my grieving over the months leading up to the divorce.  I was ready to exhale and begin a new life.  But in my dream last night, God's Spirit impressed upon me how Greg must have been feeling that day - I felt a heavy weight of empathy envelop me.  How sad Greg must have been to leave a house and a home we built together for almost 20 years and how hard it must have been to leave his two boys to move to a house down the street all alone.

One by one, the Lord presented different situations to me - each time surrounding me with the heavy weight of empathy, the other person's feelings, and what it must have felt like to be on the other side of me.

I woke up wide awake and with a burden that felt like a heavy sack of grain on my shoulders.  The sadness was overwhelming.

I didn't know who that girl was in my dream.  She was surely not the same person I am today.  I was overcome with guilt and empathy for the people my life had intersected with.  I got up, showered, and tried to get ready for my day at work.  I tried to shake the feelings I had been given and the images the Lord presented to me overnight, but about 30 min. into my morning routine, I was overcome with a deep need to speak to the Lord.

I stopped what I was doing and sat down on my bed.  I bowed my head and began to pray.  Thirty minutes later, I had given my burdens to the Lord.  I'd laid them at His feet and asked Him to remove them from me. I apologized and asked for forgiveness, and I had - most importantly - asked Him to instill kindness within my nature so I could produce this fifth Fruit of the Spirit.  

"Lord, I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.  Please help me to remember these moments and learn from them.  I don't want to hurt anyone anymore."

Kindness is a hard Fruit of the Spirit to produce sometimes.  People try our patience.  People hurt us.  But yet, if we abide in Christ, we should be able to overcome the obstacles the devil puts in our path to produce the Fruits of the Spirit.

In Romans 2:4, the Bible says, "...or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness...not realizing that God's kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?"

That was the first Scripture I read this morning.  Kind of unbelievable, but yet God is always right on time.

The kindness of God leads us to repentance, just like I experienced last night.  God's kindness last night led me to repenting and asking for forgiveness for my past.  It taught me about kindness and how to produce it.

When we are kind, God will use it to draw people to us.

"As the Holy Spirit works in us, transforming us, pouring the image of Christ in us, pouring His kindness into us, it’s that fruit that will lead to the salvation of people around us. It’s not us winning an argument or showing them how much we know. It’s the evidence of God’s work in us, of His kindness, that leads to repentance and gives true credibility to our message."

I am incredibly thankful for a God that forgives (and forgets) our transgressions and loves us so much, He knows we can change and he shows us how to do so with gentleness and love.

I am grateful He taught me about kindness last night.  I can't wait to begin producing fruit...

* * * * *

"Dear Lord, thank you for your forgiving nature.  The ability to forget and forgive our transgressions.  Your deep love for me is astounding.  You change me all the time, and I am so thankful for new chances every morning.

I want to be the person You desire for me to be.  I want to show people who You truly are - Your kind and gentle nature - drawing more to You each day.

Thank you for new beginnings.  I love you. Amen."

A Loss Can Equal New Beginnings

This quote from Katherine Wolf was the first thing I read this morning as I opened my laptop in the dark and still cool morning hours today.

It is still dark outside, although my time for leaving for work is drawing closer, and the air is a cool 67 degrees.  Perfect time for reading - and more importantly - listening.

"I can choose to define my LOSS as a NEW BEGINNING, rather than an ending."

When I read that, my mind transported me back to my divorce.  I had been married 19 years, almost to 20.  I felt alone most of my marriage and distanced from the man I lived with.  

He was a good man in a sense.  He didn't cheat, he didn't drink, he didn't smoke, and he was a faithful and strong Christian man from a Godly family.

But I was young in maturity, and he was used to being in an overly lovingly home with a Mom (a wonderful and beautiful, strong Christian woman) that catered to most of his needs.  I, on the other hand, was raised in an Italian family full of women that spoke their minds, did what they wanted, and did not do much serving - everyone pulled their part and contributed fairly (for the most part).

As our marriage and family grew, I began to seek close companionship with friends and other men.  I never crossed the line of having a physical affair, but my loneliness opened the door to emotional affairs.

I began to put others before my husband (and honestly my family) trying to fill that void.

I began counseling with our Church's family minister (well we both did for a brief moment in time), and I also sought Christian counseling locally outside the church.  It was a time of loneliness and turmoil.

I finally pushed for and got what I wanted - a divorce and freedom from a situation I found so hard to live in.  My husband didn't fight for me or try to stop the divorce.  In fact, he told our boys, "You know why our divorce took so long?  I didn't answer any of your Mom's lawyer's questions because I never thought she'd go through with it."

That broke my heart years later.  Hearing that he just sat back and waited for ME to take care of him again.  Only that time on a very large scale and with devastating effects. 

Would things have been different if he had fought for me or if he had used words to reach me?  I don't know.  I was a completely different person then.  There is no way to know now.

Fast forward a little bit.

I was sitting outside a Forsyth County Middle School kitchen.  It was 5:30 in the morning and dark outside.

I was starting a new life...and a new career.  In order to stay on my boys' school schedule and maintain insurance, a friend helped me get a job with the school system.  Only office jobs were scarce, so I received a job as a Cafe worker.  

I sat in my car and thought, "What is happening to me?  What have I become?" When I got married, I thought I'd never work again.  I'd stay home and take care of my family and be an active part of my church for the rest of my life.

But I was wrong.  My SELF had got in the way.  I had lost track of who I was supposed to be.

But in that same moment, in the pre-dawn hours, I also saw a vision.  God reminded me of Joseph, and how he had been sold into slavery by his brothers.  His life seemed off track as well and he may have wondered how he got where he was as well.  But God reminded me of what all he did with and through Joseph, so I put on my hair net, my nonslip shoes, and began what is now an 11-year career with Forsyth County Schools.

God moved mountains those first years with the school system.  I had to file sexual harassment and hostile work environment charges against my first kitchen manager.  I was moved to a second kitchen with women I adored and loved and one of the best Cafe managers out there.  I admired her drive and work ethic.  She was amazing.

Then God opened another door I never expected to open.  A job opened at our County's nontraditional school.  I went to the interview in my Cafe polo shirt and hair in a bun.  I thought, "They will never be able to see past me working in a Cafe.  They will never understand what I can do."

A church friend of mine working at the school hand-delivered my resume to one of the three Principals at the school, and I was granted that interview.  To this day, we still work side by side.  I am forever in his debt.

As you can surmise by now, I was offered that job.  It was a small school then.  Four teachers and 44 students.  I was the only office person beside the Counselor and Administration.  I was the Receptionist, the Registrar, the Bookkeeper, and anything else you can image.  I was in my element.  I loved my coworkers, my Administration, and my students.

Fast forward with me one more time.

Today, our school has a brand new, multimillion dollar building, a staff of over 100, and students numbering in the thousands.  I am still the Registrar and Bookkeeper, but last year, our County allowed us to hire two more office personnel both of whom I admire and love working beside.

My job has grown to my own office, Event Staff responsibilities, and so much more.  It's become a position I would never have dreamed of being in.  My position is so much bigger than it was 11 years ago, and I could never have imagined God moving in my life like He has.

Today, there is a small table with three chairs beside my desk.  All day long, people come in to my office and sit.  It might be the SRO walking a student around that needed a break or it might be a teacher from one of our other floors that needs a moment to regroup or it might be a student that wants to share something going on in their life or that just wants a cup of coffee and a kind face to recognize them for a minute.

All this "testimony" to say that Katherine Wolf is right.  We must look at our losses as doors to what God might be doing next - a new beginning.

I never dreamed the loss of my family and marriage would be a new beginning at Forsyth County Schools.  I never thought my loss would be a new beginning to helping so many others across our community.

I am still not rich (that part of Joseph's story didn't transpire over to mine...) and I still struggle with not getting paid on an equal par with others in the County doing the same job, but every day I thank God for what He has done with my life.  How he took what was broken and mended it to make something beautiful.

I love my job.  I love my life.  I love the people I work with.  I love the students I serve.

Always remember that what you have loss - physically or emotionally - can be an open door for God to make a new beginning for you!  That is what is most important.  You are being used, so be open to it.  See it.  Be blessed by it.

Psalm 84:11, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless."

Sir Richard Baker:  “The good things of God are chiefly peace of conscience, and joy in the Holy Ghost, in this life; fruition of God’s presence, and vision of his blessed face, in the next.”

"We’ve lived through what should have been an unsurvivable loss. You may have lived through the same, or worse. What we find on this side of the journey is that loss, in its purest form, is a fear of death. We were not designed to die and the aversion to death is built into our bodily and spiritual DNA. The good news is that when we are connected to Jesus—resurrection personified—we need not die at all. Christ in us vanquishes the fear of death and loss. Jesus gives us permission to live with open hands and whole hearts, laughing without fear of the future because, in the end, our future is with Him." - Katherine Wolf