A Loss Can Equal New Beginnings

This quote from Katherine Wolf was the first thing I read this morning as I opened my laptop in the dark and still cool morning hours today.

It is still dark outside, although my time for leaving for work is drawing closer, and the air is a cool 67 degrees.  Perfect time for reading - and more importantly - listening.

"I can choose to define my LOSS as a NEW BEGINNING, rather than an ending."

When I read that, my mind transported me back to my divorce.  I had been married 19 years, almost to 20.  I felt alone most of my marriage and distanced from the man I lived with.  

He was a good man in a sense.  He didn't cheat, he didn't drink, he didn't smoke, and he was a faithful and strong Christian man from a Godly family.

But I was young in maturity, and he was used to being in an overly lovingly home with a Mom (a wonderful and beautiful, strong Christian woman) that catered to most of his needs.  I, on the other hand, was raised in an Italian family full of women that spoke their minds, did what they wanted, and did not do much serving - everyone pulled their part and contributed fairly (for the most part).

As our marriage and family grew, I began to seek close companionship with friends and other men.  I never crossed the line of having a physical affair, but my loneliness opened the door to emotional affairs.

I began to put others before my husband (and honestly my family) trying to fill that void.

I began counseling with our Church's family minister (well we both did for a brief moment in time), and I also sought Christian counseling locally outside the church.  It was a time of loneliness and turmoil.

I finally pushed for and got what I wanted - a divorce and freedom from a situation I found so hard to live in.  My husband didn't fight for me or try to stop the divorce.  In fact, he told our boys, "You know why our divorce took so long?  I didn't answer any of your Mom's lawyer's questions because I never thought she'd go through with it."

That broke my heart years later.  Hearing that he just sat back and waited for ME to take care of him again.  Only that time on a very large scale and with devastating effects. 

Would things have been different if he had fought for me or if he had used words to reach me?  I don't know.  I was a completely different person then.  There is no way to know now.

Fast forward a little bit.

I was sitting outside a Forsyth County Middle School kitchen.  It was 5:30 in the morning and dark outside.

I was starting a new life...and a new career.  In order to stay on my boys' school schedule and maintain insurance, a friend helped me get a job with the school system.  Only office jobs were scarce, so I received a job as a Cafe worker.  

I sat in my car and thought, "What is happening to me?  What have I become?" When I got married, I thought I'd never work again.  I'd stay home and take care of my family and be an active part of my church for the rest of my life.

But I was wrong.  My SELF had got in the way.  I had lost track of who I was supposed to be.

But in that same moment, in the pre-dawn hours, I also saw a vision.  God reminded me of Joseph, and how he had been sold into slavery by his brothers.  His life seemed off track as well and he may have wondered how he got where he was as well.  But God reminded me of what all he did with and through Joseph, so I put on my hair net, my nonslip shoes, and began what is now an 11-year career with Forsyth County Schools.

God moved mountains those first years with the school system.  I had to file sexual harassment and hostile work environment charges against my first kitchen manager.  I was moved to a second kitchen with women I adored and loved and one of the best Cafe managers out there.  I admired her drive and work ethic.  She was amazing.

Then God opened another door I never expected to open.  A job opened at our County's nontraditional school.  I went to the interview in my Cafe polo shirt and hair in a bun.  I thought, "They will never be able to see past me working in a Cafe.  They will never understand what I can do."

A church friend of mine working at the school hand-delivered my resume to one of the three Principals at the school, and I was granted that interview.  To this day, we still work side by side.  I am forever in his debt.

As you can surmise by now, I was offered that job.  It was a small school then.  Four teachers and 44 students.  I was the only office person beside the Counselor and Administration.  I was the Receptionist, the Registrar, the Bookkeeper, and anything else you can image.  I was in my element.  I loved my coworkers, my Administration, and my students.

Fast forward with me one more time.

Today, our school has a brand new, multimillion dollar building, a staff of over 100, and students numbering in the thousands.  I am still the Registrar and Bookkeeper, but last year, our County allowed us to hire two more office personnel both of whom I admire and love working beside.

My job has grown to my own office, Event Staff responsibilities, and so much more.  It's become a position I would never have dreamed of being in.  My position is so much bigger than it was 11 years ago, and I could never have imagined God moving in my life like He has.

Today, there is a small table with three chairs beside my desk.  All day long, people come in to my office and sit.  It might be the SRO walking a student around that needed a break or it might be a teacher from one of our other floors that needs a moment to regroup or it might be a student that wants to share something going on in their life or that just wants a cup of coffee and a kind face to recognize them for a minute.

All this "testimony" to say that Katherine Wolf is right.  We must look at our losses as doors to what God might be doing next - a new beginning.

I never dreamed the loss of my family and marriage would be a new beginning at Forsyth County Schools.  I never thought my loss would be a new beginning to helping so many others across our community.

I am still not rich (that part of Joseph's story didn't transpire over to mine...) and I still struggle with not getting paid on an equal par with others in the County doing the same job, but every day I thank God for what He has done with my life.  How he took what was broken and mended it to make something beautiful.

I love my job.  I love my life.  I love the people I work with.  I love the students I serve.

Always remember that what you have loss - physically or emotionally - can be an open door for God to make a new beginning for you!  That is what is most important.  You are being used, so be open to it.  See it.  Be blessed by it.

Psalm 84:11, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless."

Sir Richard Baker:  “The good things of God are chiefly peace of conscience, and joy in the Holy Ghost, in this life; fruition of God’s presence, and vision of his blessed face, in the next.”

"We’ve lived through what should have been an unsurvivable loss. You may have lived through the same, or worse. What we find on this side of the journey is that loss, in its purest form, is a fear of death. We were not designed to die and the aversion to death is built into our bodily and spiritual DNA. The good news is that when we are connected to Jesus—resurrection personified—we need not die at all. Christ in us vanquishes the fear of death and loss. Jesus gives us permission to live with open hands and whole hearts, laughing without fear of the future because, in the end, our future is with Him." - Katherine Wolf

Can You Redefine the Past?

 

Reading through my Katherine Wolf devotional tonight and thinking, "Can I redefine my past?"

I really believe everyone else can redefine their past, but I'm not sure I feel I can - or have redefined it. I understand my past, but I still wrestle with it and wonder who that girl was.  I still don't see any "treasures or triumps" out of it.  Here is something Katherine wrote today:

"Have you ever wished you had a time machine so you could turn back the calendar a few years and change something? Take back those hurtful words? Escape that bad relationship? Pursue the career you loved?"

This paragraph totally encapsulates how I feel about my past.  I know I am a grown up.  I know I have to own my mistakes and the path my life took.  But I was raised under a very strong and opinionated Italian Father.

He judged.  He loved us, but he judged.  "Why did you walk in that way?" "Why are you looking at that career field?" "Why are you dating him?" "Look at this person and all their achievements."

Some of those questions are paraphrased, but you get the idea.  I was always less than in his eyes, or so it appeared.  People told me he loved me.  HE told me he loved me.  People told me he bragged about me all the time, but I never heard those brags.  He never shared positive or encouraging words with me.

I knew he loved me, but our relationship was one of me always trying to be better in his eyes or making life decisions to make HIM proud of me.

That constant nonspoken pressure led me to make terrible decisions along the way.  Decisions I still look back and shudder at.  I always wish I had a time machine so I could go back and go off to a four-year college instead of staying home and commuting back and forth to a local tech school.  I wish that time machine could take me back to getting married and being more mature, more supportive in my role as wife and mother.  I wish that time machine could take me back and erase some of the most painful parts of my life's journey.

Katherine writes:

"We may not be able to hop into a time machine, but you do have access to a bit of past-changing magic: remembrance. Remembrance gives us the grace of distance. Remembrance allows us to re-narrate past trauma or regret without denying the pain. Remembrance asks us to willfully and thoughtfully re-tell our good/hard stories with a bolded-underlined-all-caps emphasis on the hidden treasure and the triumph. We can see the thread of truth through the hard circumstances because we’ve been told the realest, deepest, truest story of all—the overarching Christ story that re-narrates death as the mere prologue to resurrection."

"Remembrance asks us to...retell our hard stories with an emphasis on the hidden treasures and triumphs."

I'm not there yet.  I'm not seeing treasures and triumphs from the hard parts of my story.

Are you?  Are you seeing treasures and triumphs from your hard parts yet?

I'm still looking back and shuddering.  Kicking myself for making terrible choices.  Carrying the burden of all my decisions on my own shoulders instead of giving some of that burden to those in my life at the time.

I'm still struggling with telling my story as a testimony and witness to help others.  I don't see the beauty in my hard parts yet.  I really want to.  I really want to be a stellar Christian with a stellar story.  I want to share my story and help others.  But I'm just not there yet, and I have to wonder if I ever will be.

Will God use my mistakes?  I'm not seeing it yet, and honestly, the older I get, the more secluded I get.  I get home from work and just want to exhale, enjoy the sanctity of home, and rest.  I don't feel much of a need to go out anymore.  I just like being home and enjoying the quietness of after-work hours.  I like working inside my home and outside in the yard.  And so, I just have to wonder.  How is God going to use me when I'm not the same "be at church every Sunday and every time the doors are open kind of person?"

Katherine concludes today's writing with this:

"What we remember teaches our brains what to expect. By remembering the past thoughtfully, we can anticipate the future with hope. The past is immutable; however, the way we engage the past now—in the present—is totally up to us."

"...remember the past thoughtfully; anticipate the future with hope.  The past is immutable."

I'm struggling with this Bible Study.  How do I overcome the foundations my Father instilled in me?  How do I overcome such disastrous life decisions of my past? I know God.  I know who He is.  I know He is capable.  I know He is God.  I know He can work miracles.  But I am struggling.

Today, I will keep praying that one day God will use the decisions and the path my life took to change other lives.  If you are struggling with your past decisions, we can pray together.  God is BIG.  God is GOOD.  God is a miracle worker.

Praying for those of you struggling today.  Praying also for myself and that God will take what is broken in me - heal it - and then use it to teach others...

 

Let's Redefine Limitations

 

Several years ago, I was sitting at my desk at the nontraditional high school I work in.  Back then, our school was in a different building.  One much smaller than the brand new, multi-million dollar building we now reside in.

Our school program had small beginnings when I started working there 10 years ago.  At the time, we had 4 teachers (one for each subject) and 44 students.  Now we have grown to a staff of over 100 and a student body of over 4,000 students - both full- and part-time.

But let's go back a step to the beginning for a moment...On that fateful day I am referencing above, I was sitting at my desk.  A desk and countertop combination that sat in the small, front office of our school.

To my left was our Principal's office.  Directly behind me and to the left was our graduation coach's office, and straight behind me was a small and short hallway that led to the staff breakroom, Counselor's office, Nurse's office, and a staff restroom.

On this particular day, I distributed the staff's W-2 forms to their mailboxes.  It was between class periods, and the teachers had gathered in the breakroom to get water, coffee, and check their mailboxes while visiting for a minute or two.  They only had a few minutes before they had to return to their classrooms for the next period.

As each teacher retrieved their W-2 forms and opened them to see what their figures were for that year, I heard our Graduation Coach say, "Y'all, I know we say teachers don't make a lot of money, but we really do make a lot of money!"

I kept working.  Yes.  They do make a lot of money.  Most of them make close to six figures.  Six figures for a job that while emotionally and mentally hard at times, gives them a daily schedule that is good (most work 7:30AM-3:30PM), gives them two months off in the summer, a week at Christmas, a week at Thanksgiving, a week in the Spring, and a week in the Fall.  Six figures and a ton of time off.  Yes, life is good for them.  

Most of them have multiple college degrees, work extra hard, and give teaching everything they have - mind, heart, soul, and body.

But I kept working.  The educators make good money.  The rest of the system, maybe not so much.  While I sat there running the front office - keeping guard over student information, keeping the books, running events, maintaining our school's social media channels, and so many other things, I didn't make good money.  It was hard listening to them laugh and talk about how much money they had.

To be fair and to put a disclaimer here - I love my job.  I love my team, the people I work with.  I love my school.  I don't want to be anywhere else right now.  But there are limitations on me and my life that others don't possess.  And that is why I loved reading these words from Katherine Wolf today,

"Thriving in limitations is possible for us, too. In fact, our weak parts, ugly tendencies, failures, and inabilities provide open spaces for miracles to spring up. Our limitations today are merely shadows of the ultimate limitation—death—which was exactly the limitation through which Jesus worked out our salvation. If Jesus can redefine death as the way to life, can we believe our pain can have a purpose?"

Katherine points out that even though so many of us possess some type of limitation, if we will just readjust our lenses and look through the eyes of Scripture and Jesus's life, we will see that even our SAVIOR had limitations.

And quite honestly, I've never thought Jesus had any limitations.  We just don't look at or view Jesus that way.  HOWEVER, reading about redefining limitations this morning refocused my view and made me wonder why I never saw Jesus with limitations before now.

He was limited when He was put into human form.  He was limited to everything tied to being human while He was here.  He was limited by death.

But yet - death was the very thing that provided freedom and salvation to the rest of us - and the world.

Can you wrap your mind around that fact?  Jesus took His limitations, and He redefined them to an avenue of purpose.  Wow.

I feel so completely limited most of the time.  I'm not retiring soon like my age-counterparts.  I'm not happily married for decades, like so many of my counterparts.  My house isn't close to being paid off like so many of my age-counterparts.  I am at a job I love but barely making enough to pay my mortgage and utilities.

So many limitations to battle daily.

But sitting down to read Katherine's words this morning made me see Jesus had  limitations too, and look what he did!  He took the ultimate limitation and created an avenue that changed the world forever.

This morning, I hope you will read Katherine's words and see that even though we all possess some type of limitations - financial, physical, or emotional - we can also create freedom and pathways to liberty for ourselves and for others.

I know it's hard to climb out of your own head and emotions most days, but as Katherine pens so eloquently, "If Jesus can redefine death as the way to life, can we believe our pain can have a purpose?"

I'm going to try and remember that my pain in this life can have a purpose too.  I'll keep trying to climb and surmount my obstacles daily.  I'll keep waiting for God to show up.  And then, I'll keep trying to see how God is redefining my pain into a purpose.

Keep pushing through the pain and limitations of this world.  If Jesus can take His limitations and redefine them, we can too.

2 Cor. 12:9, "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."