Today marks eleven months since (what I am now calling) my rebirth.
Our church is going through The Lord's Prayer this month, and this weekend's sermon was on forgiveness. Some of the sermon was familiar, but other parts of it resonated with me and made me look deeper into myself.
I think all of us struggle with forgiveness.
It's a hard thing to do - saying, "I'm sorry. I was wrong." Stepping out of our comfort zones and into another's personal space is daunting. Taking the added step of asking for forgiveness can be an insurmountable challenge to add on top of saying you are sorry.
I've written this before, but when my boys were younger and growing up together, I often had them add this extra step into their apologies. It's sometimes easy to throw out and mutter a forced, "I'm sorry!" and then run away and hide. But it's not quite as easy to reveal vulnerability and say, "Do you forgive me?" When we do this extra step, we allow the other party - that we have hurt or offended - an opportunity to show grace and to humble themselves as well. It's a great step, and one I 100% believe in the validity of.
When David and I parted ways, I didn't understand it. I couldn't grasp that a man I loved - and who purported to love me - could just walk away and elevate his parents above our relationship. It was a hard blow to stomach. I felt lost, betrayed, and unimportant and unloved.
I have tried hard to forgive him, and often times, believe I have. And then other times, a stray thought or feeling comes creeping back in, and I feel the hurt and betrayal all over again. Listening to my Pastor's sermon this weekend helped re-center me and put the focus back where it needed to be.
Sometimes, asking for another person's forgiveness doesn't work out well for us. I remember asking David if he could forgive me for hurting him. He shook his head and said, "No." That was a hard pill to swallow, but it propelled me from darkness to eventual light and I learned a huge lesson from that encounter.
It doesn't take a big event to hurt another person. I hadn't cheated on David, stolen money, or anything else "big," but what hurt him was big to him and it had become a deal breaker.
Putting yourself out there and following Scripture doesn't warrant a Get Out of Jail Free card for us. It doesn't put our heart back together. But it will help us learn and grow. And that is more important than healing us in a "moment."
I look at my life now - 11 months post breakup. It has radically changed. "I" have radically changed.
God has healed me. "I" have healed me. It's been a hard journey - and well, heck, it still is some days. But here I am, 11 months later. Just about fully healed and journeying forward.
New life has been breathed into me, and I could not be more humbled to have received it. I don't know what the path ahead of me is, but what I do know is that 11 months ago, I never thought I'd be where I am standing today.
Baby steps. Wisdom. Lessons learned. That's how life rolls.
I am excited, once again, for my future. A future I thought had been stolen from me. God is good. All the time.
If you are struggling with moving past something, maybe you should look deep within yourself. Is there something you need to let go of? Is there something or someone you have to confront or face? Someone you need to forgive?
The choice is always ours. You can stay and sit in your pain or you can choose to walk closely with the Lord, seeking healing and forgiveness, moving on with your life. God is waiting to bless you.
Why not invite him in?
"Father, I am struggling and I know I can't do this without you. Please come into my heart and help me to heal. I welcome your presence, and the help of your Spirit that lives inside me. Help me to lay my burdens at your feet and to heal from my past. I lay my hurts and betrayals at the foot of the Cross, giving them fully to you. I will try my best to forgive the one that hurt me and changed my life forever and then I will move on, knowing I rest in your hands, never to be let loose. I trust you to change my life, to make me whole again. Father, I am ready. Change my heart today. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen."
"Father, I pray You would help me to always remember that it was because of Your loving kindness that I am here where I stand today.
May this always be at the forefront of my mind and heart as I go forth in my interactions with others so my words will carry greater weight as Your kindness is produced in me and displayed through me. Amen."
* * * * *
Wednesdays are long days for me. A full day at my day job and then off to visit my Counselor for our weekly meeting and then off again for my women's Wednesday night Bible Study at church.
By the time I get home, I am tired. A quick change into warm, cozy pajamas and then into bed. Usually, no TV. Just a quick glance of phone notifications before turning off the lights and snuggling up with my furry family members to sleep.
Over the last few weeks, I have been learning about the fifth Fruit of the Spirit - kindness. It is one I have tried to dig deep into.
We often think of ourselves as kind and view ourselves through that qualifying magnifying glass. But it is how others view us that we must reallykeep at the forefront of our thinking. If others we cross paths with do not view us as kind, are we really being kind and producing this Fruit of the Spirit in our lives?
Last night, I had one of the most impactful dreams I have ever had. I feel sure it was God's Holy Spirit impressing upon me the importance of this fifth Fruit of the Spirit - kindness.
The Old Testament is ripe with stories of God speaking to His people through dreams. At the beginning of mankind, there were no writings or Scripture for people to read, study, or for God to speak to His people through. Later on, even when the Scriptures were available, they were normally only read in the Temple; people did not own a personal copy as we do today. Because of this, God would often speak to His people through dreams.
We don't hear of God speaking to His people through dreams much anymore, but our God is still the same God today as he was in Genesis and Exodus. He is still abundantly able to use our dreams to communicate with us.
All through last night, for a solid and straight six hours, God took me on a journey over the last 11 years. Showing me each relationship I have been in during those years (albeit and thankfully, not many!) and how my words and actions might have impacted my partners.
One scene I can still vividly remember seeing from last night was from about 11 years ago. I was going through the final stages of my divorce. My ex-husband's and my lawyer had both said it was the nicest and most cordial divorce they had ever been through. We had tried to remember who we were as Christians and treated each other with respect and kindness through our mediation.
Greg had decided to let me remain in our house, so the boys could stay in their surroundings and not be disrupted by the divorce. He agreed to move about a mile down the street so they boys could still be close to their Dad.
I remember driving home on the day Greg and his Parents were packing up his things and moving furniture. I pulled into our cul-de-sac and saw cars in the driveway. They were still there busy loading up his things. I didn't want to go inside or near the house. I knew it would be terribly hard and awkward. So, after sitting there for a few minutes, I drove away knowing it would be the last time Greg would be a part of our home.
It was a sad day. A memory God presented and allowed to come to me in my dream last night. My little red Honda Element sitting in the cul-de-sac, across from my driveway. I could see all the cars there, and I remembered thinking Greg was inside packing and moving the furniture he was taking with him.
When that day actually occurred, in real life, I had been relieved. Greg and I had lived together through our divorce, and I had done most of my grieving over the months leading up to the divorce. I was ready to exhale and begin a new life. But in my dream last night, God's Spirit impressed upon me how Greg must have been feeling that day - I felt a heavy weight of empathy envelop me. How sad Greg must have been to leave a house and a home we built together for almost 20 years and how hard it must have been to leave his two boys to move to a house down the street all alone.
One by one, the Lord presented different situations to me - each time surrounding me with the heavy weight of empathy, the other person's feelings, and what it must have felt like to be on the other side of me.
I woke up wide awake and with a burden that felt like a heavy sack of grain on my shoulders. The sadness was overwhelming.
I didn't know who that girl was in my dream. She was surely not the same person I am today. I was overcome with guilt and empathy for the people my life had intersected with. I got up, showered, and tried to get ready for my day at work. I tried to shake the feelings I had been given and the images the Lord presented to me overnight, but about 30 min. into my morning routine, I was overcome with a deep need to speak to the Lord.
I stopped what I was doing and sat down on my bed. I bowed my head and began to pray. Thirty minutes later, I had given my burdens to the Lord. I'd laid them at His feet and asked Him to remove them from me. I apologized and asked for forgiveness, and I had - most importantly - asked Him to instill kindness within my nature so I could produce this fifth Fruit of the Spirit.
"Lord, I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. Please help me to remember these moments and learn from them. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore."
Kindness is a hard Fruit of the Spirit to produce sometimes. People try our patience. People hurt us. But yet, if we abide in Christ, we should be able to overcome the obstacles the devil puts in our path to produce the Fruits of the Spirit.
In Romans 2:4, the Bible says, "...or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness...not realizing that God's kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?"
That was the first Scripture I read this morning. Kind of unbelievable, but yet God is always right on time.
The kindness of God leads us to repentance, just like I experienced last night. God's kindness last night led me to repenting and asking for forgiveness for my past. It taught me about kindness and how to produce it.
When we are kind, God will use it to draw people to us.
"As the Holy Spirit works in us, transforming us, pouring the image of Christ in us, pouring His kindness into us, it’s that fruit that will lead to the salvation of people around us. It’s not us winning an argument or showing them how much we know. It’s the evidence of God’s work in us, of His kindness, that leads to repentance and gives true credibility to our message."
I am incredibly thankful for a God that forgives (and forgets) our transgressions and loves us so much, He knows we can change and he shows us how to do so with gentleness and love.
I am grateful He taught me about kindness last night. I can't wait to begin producing fruit...
* * * * *
"Dear Lord, thank you for your forgiving nature. The ability to forget and forgive our transgressions. Your deep love for me is astounding. You change me all the time, and I am so thankful for new chances every morning.
I want to be the person You desire for me to be. I want to show people who You truly are - Your kind and gentle nature - drawing more to You each day.
The one thing I try to be in my writing is transparent.
I have a few cheerleaders out there that read this blog religiously, and I am thankful for them.
They tell me when to stop and when to keep going. They are wonderful encouragers to me - both in my writing here and in my personal life.
I couldn't make it through this dark period without them. They make me laugh, they hold my hand, and they love well. In reality, we do this for each other, and I love them for it.
In the interest of transparency, I want to write about the infamous black hole. I have several friends that have either been in it or are teetering dangerously close to the edge at the moment. It is a scary place where your emotions, mind, and body all meet together to crash and burn.
It paralyzes you. It smothers you. It throws your mind into conflicting places, your body into physical pangs, and your emotions into high gear. I have found the best way to escape it is to just sleep through it, praying as the hours slip quietly by, and asking God to send His peace and help heal the hurt.
This weekend, I had to do all of those things.
Sometimes grief - no matter how big or how small - envelops you when you least expect it. It sneaks in like a thief in the night, stealing your joy and peace.
It has been 13 weeks since I sent "that" short text to my ex. A passive-aggressive cry for help in dealing with the continual hurt and eventual fallouts from his journey through enmeshment.
It was a silent plea to be rescued. To be the most important person in his life. To be the one he valued most. To stop being second to a family embroiled in co-dependency and the disease of addiction.
I was tired of wrestling. I was tired of being "the other woman."
My ex was struggling through mental and emotional battles over loving me and making a full-time commitment versus still serving his family and parents, as well as not betraying them by "leaving."
I asked for a short break - a minute - to gather and study my emotions...
This battle had been waging for at least the last three years of our relationship. I craved a permanent future with the person I loved. A chance to create new life together, blend families, and serve our communities. But it seemed like my ex was always at ease with the balancing act of going between the home we were creating and his parents home. Never fully committing to a permanent future with me, creating a new life together, or blending our families. Every time he left the home we were creating to head back to his parents, I would close the front door to turn around and face an empty home again. A home so full of promise but yet, so utterly void of presence.
Over the years, the constant abandonment of our dreams to a chain of enmeshment started to overshadow most other things. The pain grew deeper with each departure. Couple my growing disappointment in any future, concrete plans with my newly-discovered medical condition, and on September 27, 2023, I finally snapped. It was one departure too many, and the one that finally crossed a proverbial line in the sand.
We had just arrived back at my house (our "home") from a week in Gatlinburg, TN, and glamping at Greenbrier Campground.
It was a beautiful week. Perfect weather, perfect company, and a wonderful destination.
Gatlinburg and the Great Smoky Mountains National Park have slowly, over time, become my favorite place to visit. I absolutely love it there.
Our getaway had been slower-paced; full of beautiful, idyllic scenery; and included an opportunity to stay at one of the brand new cabins at Greenbrier Campground. We had a wonderful trip full of adventure, trail walks, and new places to eat.
I loved being there, and I especially loved being alone with David. David and I were normally always in sync, enjoying many of the same things and the company of each other. I couldn't imagine taking this trip with anyone else. We even discussed renting two of these new cabins for Thanksgiving with David's family. I had no idea what was actually waiting in the future for us...
This trip was the first in a while we'd traveled anywhere alone. I kept thinking, "This would be a perfect place to finally propose." It seemed to be Heaven on earth for both of us.
But let's first backtrack for a quick second. I met David five years ago. I knew when we met in person for the first time at the little Dunkin' Donuts in Dahlonega that God had created him for me.
They say love at first sight doesn't exist, but when I left Dahlonega that day, I was sure my future had arrived.
But I digress, and now, let's head back to reality.
As our time in Gatlinburg and the Great Smoky Mountains ended, we arrived back to my house. David unloaded the suitcases and plastic bins from the car and then went to lie down on the sofa to rest.
Once the suitcases and bins were in the house, I started unpacking everything, began a load of laundry, and put away anything else we had taken with us on vacation.
As soon as everything was put away, I went to lie down as well. We were both tired, and lying down seemed a good idea before contemplating dinner in a few hours. (A dinner that was never coming.)
Within 15 minutes of arriving back at my house, David came to me and said he was going "home."
The words shot through me like a bullet to my heart. Home? I thought we were home.
I immediately thought to myself, "Here we go again." My soul was downcast, and the all-too-familiar pang of loneliness set in. Not even a perfect week away together could break the enmeshment of a family trapped within the evils of addiction.
I couldn't bring myself to make eye contact with David. I couldn't break the gaze off my cell phone. I kept scrolling through social media feeds with no actual idea what I was even looking at.
I tried to hold back the tears. I knew the routine and the pecking order. It was Wednesday - the West family's traditional "family night," and David had apparently arranged for getting his son that evening and didn't tell me. In the meantime, his real familywas waiting for him to arrive for dinner.
Heartbreak one more time. Second in David's eyes and heart one more time.
Family night could have been rescheduled for Thursday night (the next evening), but instead, we were rushed home so that David could have his traditional night at home with both his Mom and son.
I wasn't told beforehand about the plan, nor was I invited to be a part of their family evening together.
In one sentence and in one fell swoop, David had fallen from leading a household to reverting back to a son being taken care of. He had returned to his childhood home and to a Mother's arms. Dinner was waiting as well as his teenage son.
It was crushing.
Maybe it wasn't the intention, but it felt like David could not wait to leave me and get back to his parents and son, again.
When do the scales tip to the point of a grown man leaving his parents and being a "son" to him maturing and becoming a leader and head of his own household? The answer seemed like never.
I started to think, "Where exactly is home for David? Was it here - in a house I've lived in for 23 years and offered to David to also live in as well? Was it a house that my family and I offered to refinance and put David's name on the mortgage so he could have a part in owning a piece of the property he had invested so much time and effort into? Was it a home where we have completed so many upgrades and projects or where we were in the middle of a few new projects to complete for future enjoyment together? Was it a home we had future plans to eventually sell and use the funds to build our own home in Dahlonega? Was it a house that had become a home and meant so much to me because it contained the people I loved and a future so promising?"
"Or was his home in Dahlonega? A place where he still lived in a family, basement apartment, that was offered as a landing spot after getting divorced so many years ago? A place where Mom and Dad lived only a few miles away? A town where one foot seemed to be kept in at all times? A place that had to be gotten back to so quickly so that everyone could be 'kept happy?'"
I have since discovered through Christian Counseling the word home had become a trigger word for me. It's no wonder...With no advancement toward a permanent future and a constant running back to his hometown, home had come to trigger loneliness, sadness, and abandonment to me.
It no longer held the hope and joy it once did with David. I had to finally realize, after five years, that I was not enough for David. I was not enough to break the chains of enmeshment his family held. I was not enough to spark David to leave his hometown or to begin a new chapter in life.
It felt like I had become the other woman in an adulterous relationship with David. Life was good when David was at my house, but it was hard when he closed the door and left for the other woman in our relationship - his Mother.
David had grown comfortable with running between and maintaining the two "homes." He was a great boyfriend, but my family and I had come to realize that a boyfriend was all we could ever hope to see from him. David was mentally, emotionally, and physically unable to break the chains of enmeshment formed from his family's addiction issues.
And on top of all these things, the enmeshment produced side effects as well.
David had begun to grow disappointed in my attending events with him in Dahlonega. He began to question my commitment to him, and his hurt toward me began to grow. The people pleaser in him played well into the chains of enmeshment and alcohol addiction.
He never (or rarely) shared his feelings with me or allowed us to work through them; thus, his isolation from me grew in one direction, as the closeness to his family grew in the opposite direction.
To be honest, it had been getting harder and harder for me to attend things with David. I knew he wanted me to be in Dahlonega more often and to attend more events and family events with him. I wanted to be with there too, enjoying all the things he was doing and wanted to do. I missed going to those things with him. I missed spending time with him. He was my best friend.
But working a full-time job plus two part-time jobs coupled with the responsibility of taking care of a home requires a lot of time and attention. I have a three-story home and a one-acre yard that need taking care of. I don't always have the liberty to spend my free time playing. Most weekends, during the warm seasons, are spent trying to play catch up at home.
And on top of life responsibilities, it was also during this time I found out all three of my major hormones had become depleted. If you are familiar at all with hormone depletion, you know it changes who you are as a person - mentally, emotionally, and of course - physically.
Hormone depletion causes you to become more withdrawn and more unfriendly (to put it kindly). It changes your personality, as the chemistry in you changes. It is no joke, and sadly, most women don't understand they don't have to live with it. (Side note: Check out this amazing reference on bioidentical hormone replacement therapy - Suzanne Somer's book, Ageless.)
I didn't know it at the time, but my tight schedule coupled with my complete hormone depletion meant I was drowning. I needed David to throw me a life preserver, but neither one of us knew that at the time.
So when David told me he was going "home" that evening, my heart deflated and then collapsed. A line had been crossed, and I wasn't sure how to return back over it.
This brings us back full circle to the black hole...A place I found myself after this life event and where you might be finding yourself right now.
One thing I have learned through my journey of loving someone as deeply and as long as I loved David, combined with the eventual fact of then losing them, is that you must always be mindful of the devil and the traps he lays out for us.
If you're not careful and don't keep your eyes on the Lord, Satan will silently lead you into the black hole. He has it sitting out there, waiting for you to fall into. Waiting to destroy you. He lives for moments like this in our lives.
Satan is not a fan of happiness, joy, positivity, or happy endings. He is always on the prowl to devour those of us focused on God, our faith, and walking in Jesus' light.
Scripture tells us he waits for us, roaming the earth as a lion looking for his next prey. He wants you to take your eyes off Jesus and and focus them onto yourself, your pain, and your loss. This is where he excels and where he hopes to lead you into your self-destruction.
The deviations began in the Garden of Eden, the beginning of time - with the first two humans God created. He finds our weak spots and then he pounces.
Hurting? Feeling lonely? Feeling used and unimportant? He uses the same tricks and schemes today that he used with Adam and Eve to keep us in his - and our own - personal pit of hell. A pit of crying, heartbreak, and pain. If he can't take us to hell with him, he will do his very best to make our life here on earth miserable.
I fell captive to the devil's plan this weekend. My heart was still hurting from David's decision to end and walk out of our five-year relationship. Satan used my emotions of hurting, feeling second best, rejection, and abandonment to capture and torture me. I blindly walked right into my own black hole.
And sadly, I believe David also fell prey to the devil's lies and whispers, "Come over here. Your happiness counts. Your happiness matters. Look at her. She is selfish and uses you. She doesn't care about you. Stop trying to make everyone happy. Focus on yourself. Walk away from the struggle between her and your family. You matter. I can give you peace. Come over here where it is calm and there is no fight for your time. Where you can do the things you want and you can find yourself again."
The devil will always use his best tricks to trap you and pull you away from the gifts of God.
I believe he succeeded and won another battle when he lured David away.
It may seem you can't get out of your black hole at the time of your entrapment. I think I either laid in my bed or on the couch all day Saturday and most of the day Sunday. I barely ate, had no appetite, and certainly had no motivation to do anything.
But God. Don't ever discredit God. Remember, HE is the winner, not Satan. Always and forever.
God showed up and gave me the rescue I so desperately needed at my lowest point.
I am so thankful for friends and family members, as I said at the beginning of this post, who stepped in on Sunday evening and rescued me out of Satan's trap of personal pain. They wouldn't take no as an answer and showed up, spent the night, and listened while gently guiding me back to reality and out of the black hole.
Friends, relationships are hard. As I walk through the pain of losing my best friend, I know there are a host of other friends suffering similar fates.
It is sometimes hard to comprehend, when we are so deeply invested and secure in a relationship of many years, maybe even one we think is our permanent future, that Satan can come in and destroy what two people have created - and seemingly so easy.
Sometimes, the vows we take and the words we say just don't stick. People are human. God has given each of us free will, and sometimes, people will choose themselves or an easy way out to escape hurt.
Sometimes, it seems putting in the hard work, communicating, or even praying together is just too much of an effort. Satan is very good at what he does. Never forget that.
He can take loving people and change them overnight. He can take your period of sickness and turn it around, making you appear selfish or self-centered. He can take feelings of loneliness and hurt and create mental blocks that appear too great to overcome. He can create chains of enmeshment from family addictions and taint your view on reality and devotions.
He is the expert at taking your eyes off Jesus and putting them on yourself.
This weekend, the black hole was waiting for me. I fell prey to it. And, I will tell you - once you are in this hole of depression and entrapment, it is a tough one to climb back out of. But it is something you must walk through. Do what you have to do to survive it and climb back out. Because when you come out the other side, Jesus is waiting for you!
Reach your hand up and out. Jesus is reaching down to pull you out. He is always there to rescue you. Never forget that.
I was blessed this weekend to have my second Mother's intuition kick in and have her come visit me, spending the night. She wouldn't take no for an answer and showed up ready to listen, eat, watch tv, and dispense wisdom. Her visit pulled me out of the grave this weekend.
Need some "out of the grave" motivation? Click the video below to life your spirit high and give God the glory for His great love for you:
The black hole was not fun; it was painful. A place I do not wish to visit again.
Yes, I miss David. Yes, I still love him, but until God, the divine Potter, can sculpt His clay, I will have to step back and wait.
I believe God has work to do with David. Chains of enmeshment to break, lessons on granting and accepting forgiveness, and the instillment of a growing and strong maturity to enable him to leave home and his parents and to walk into a new role of leadership and creating new life.
Relationships only survive because two people can fluidly move apart and still remain together.
There must be room for hurt and anger, always returning to a common, middle ground and to each other with love and support. There is no running away, blaming, or excuses. We must be open to the people in our lives - offering forgiveness, admitting our wrongs when necessary, and accepting others forgiveness as well!
Don't hide in a corner, believe the devil's lies, or run away to eliminate your hurt so you can "be happy." Follow Jesus' teachings and dig in deep, seek help, and pray and work through things together. Don't give the enemy a seat at your table!
One last thing to wrap up this long post...
This weekend, I heard Neil Patrick Harris say something that struck a chord with me. He said - when asked how he believes relationships can last so long - "Relationships ebb and flow. If you go in thinking a relationship is going to be static and flow in one direction, that it will always stay in that form, you will fail. Relationships go in an out; they expand and go different ways, but you always come back to each other with humor and love. That's how relationships survive."
*My prayer this morning, friends, is that those around me who are hurting will stay out of their own, personal black hole hells. That they will not turn to alcohol or drugs, but will - instead - turn to Jesus, even when He is silent and it feels like He is not there. Sleep through it; eat through it; drink coffee through it. Do whatever you need to do to come out on the other side alive and healthy. Jesus is waiting!
*My prayer is that God will continue to keep David's heart pliable, both toward Him and now toward me and our relationship with each other as well. I pray that one day David will join me in counseling and work through the very serious issue of enmeshment his family is entangled in.
*My prayer is for anyone reading this today that is struggling with grief, loss, separation, or divorce. That you will avoid the black hole or if you are in it now, you will make it out to the other side in one piece - healthy and alive. The black hole is no joke!
As always, if you need help or prayer, please reach out to me personally or leave a comment below. I am transparent with my life because I know there are so many other people out there suffering alone, on the inside - no matter what you may say or do on the outside. (I had to learn that lesson from my 24-year old son this week, who was proved right on Christmas Eve!)
"Dear Jesus, those of us that are broken on the inside are reaching out to you today, this morning. We love you God. We acknowledge you as the one true God. There are no others beside you, above, or below you. You are the triune God. Three in one, and we worship you.
We ask for forgiveness of all our sins. Those we are aware of and those we are not. We ask forgiveness for hurting those we love and for doing things that do not bring You glory and honor. May we learn from our past mistakes and use them to craft better experiences in the future.
Lord, I pray that my actions in the past might be forgiven and that others may learn through my mistakes. I pray that no matter what I say on the outside to others or what advice others may give (family members, friends, etc.), I always look to You as the final word. No matter what I say on the outside, I pray you know me on the inside and that those thoughts, feelings, and words triumph and prevail. Help me to be a good example of You and your Word, although I admittedly fail daily.
Help those that may be hurt or angry with me from my past words or actions reach out to me to express forgiveness or maybe even do that privately in their own thoughts and prayers to you Lord. May I do better in the future Lord.
Lord, thank you for all the many, many blessings you have bestowed upon me. My children, my brother, my sister-in-law, my friends, my family, and everything else surrounding me. Thank you for a home to rest and recuperate in; hot and cold water; utilities; clothing; food; and a job I absolutely love with the very best coworkers. I am truly blessed despite anything the devil might throw my way.
I love you Lord. Please continue to heal and show me how best to serve those around me crossing my paths. Amen."
I hate how the human heart and mind ebb and flow through crisis periods of life.
One day, you are doing well; the next, you are in bed until 1pm.
Such was today, with a beginning embedded in last night. I woke up at 5am, read messages already on my phone from a few early-riser friends, and rolled over.
I finally got up a few hours later, but it wasn't long before my mind and body both betrayed me, and I was back under the covers watching the next few episodes of The Crown.
Finally, at 1PM, the sun was trying to peek through my bedroom blinds and break through the 36-degree weather outside. I threw back the covers and made my way to the kitchen to talk myself into some positivity while making coffee, eggs, and bacon.
At 1:45PM, I decided to see what God had to say today. I'd already been to my little bedroom altar in prayer and tears, after a night full of arguing with God. Surely, He had something good to give me in response to our conversations together.
A girlfriend of mine, whose marriage dissolved this year - after multiple decades - send an encouraging picture and a few texts. I guess those of us in "misery" love company, but nothing seem to be reaching me today.
I'm at a point where my broken heart just feels like a millstone around my neck. No matter how much praying I do for healing, it's like the Lord is saying, "No, keep going." I am despising social media, tv movies, and even going out to eat right now. Seeing couples together on dates just kills me and makes me incredibly sad. "Keep going out with friends," everyone says - but it doesn't help. You just carry the sadness and heaviness of your heart with you, like a piece of luggage.
I'm not really sure how to escape it anymore. I just keep writing, journaling, praying, and crying. Eventually, it has to stop, right?
I think that maybe if I knew this hurt wasn't one-sided or if an olive branch was extended, I might be able to heal differently, better, or quicker. I have asked for forgiveness multiple times (each time, it has been denied), and I have extended multiple olive branches (none taken). My heart hurts from a type of love I have not experienced before - and from a walking away I don't understand.
I know the love still exists between us both, but I'm not sure why the desire to work through the hurts is absent. So, to open up today's reading and read Ephesians 4:2 was a little surprising, "And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you."
One thing I am 100% sure of is this - my prayers for my partner have not ceased, and I have seen at least one of them answered.
I will always be kind, tender-hearted, and forgiving. Because that is what we are called to do - endlessly.
I can't imagine doing anything else.
Forgiveness is hard. (Which is probably why my ex will not grant it.) In the book of Phillipians, we are told that we can do all things through Christ. This includes forgiving those that have hurt us. Forgiving not only releases those that are asking for our forgiveness, but it releases us as well.
I have forgiven my ex for leaving us (four times to be exact) because I know the underlying root cause, and it releases me from harboring anger and resentment towards him and within my soul.
I have asked for forgiveness from my ex multiple times for hurting him, for being selfish, and for also being self-centered - even though I know the root cause (which I wrote about yesterday). Asking for forgiveness releases me from carrying the guilt and shame of hurting someone I deeply love. If that forgiveness is ever finally accepted and granted, my ex will be able to release the deep hurts he is still carrying toward me and our relationship.
The act of granting forgiveness is an act of kindness (our fifth Fruit of the Spirit). Granting forgiveness often becomes a war between the Spirit and our flesh. If the hurt happened multiple times or if the relationship was deep, the war raging within us may take a little while to sort itself out. (I think that's what my ex and I are dealing with at the moment.)
One Bible verse I have been praying for (over myself) these past few weeks is one I learned to memorize early on as a new Christian - 2 Cor. 5:17, "Behold, old things are passed away; all things become like new."
In order to walk in full kindness and forgiveness and to renew relationships and love, we must be able to let old things pass away and become like new.
Today, I read a few things forgiveness is NOT. I think these are good reminders to all of us that when you forgive someone, you are not losing these things:
1. Forgiveness is NOT claiming our pain isn’t genuine. We can forgive and still acknowledge our broken hearts.
2. Forgiveness is NOT condoning or saying someone's behavior was appropriate.
3. Forgiveness is NOT forgetting. We aren’t wired this way.
4. Forgiveness is NOT a feeling. The Bible teaches us the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9). If we’re waiting to feel forgiving towards someone, it may never happen.
5. Forgiveness is NOT an invitation to be a doormat. Expressing clear boundaries of what’s ok and what’s not is very important.
6. Forgiveness is NOT trust. Trust is earned. It requires the offender to repent and show consistency in healthy behaviors for trust to return.
7. Holding on to unforgiveness is NOT powerful. It doesn’t give us control, it deceives and enslaves us.
Those are amazing points, and things I know my ex is struggling with. It is OKAY to forgive your partner, rebuild relationships, and still love them. Forgiveness does not mean everything is fine. It is just a first step to release both parties to move ahead freely and begin the healing process.
In fact, here are some more points of what forgiveness is:
1. Forgiveness IS a decision. Sometimes our feelings and intentions to forgive aren’t always in sync, but the Lord will help us align our heads and hearts in obedience to His will.
2. Forgiveness IS strength and courage. Courage is the ability to be strong amidst pain and grief.
3. Forgiveness IS freedom from the weight and heaviness of the offense we’ve been carrying.
4. Forgiveness IS freedom from bitterness.
5. Forgiveness IS costly. It cost Jesus His very life to provide us forgiveness we don’t deserve.
6. Forgiveness IS a command (Colossians 3:13; Matthew 18:21–22; Luke 17:3–4).
I'll wrap it up with this. If Jesus can grant forgiveness, after being flogged, spit upon, and beat beyond recognition, I can forgive a person leaving me multiple times. I can see past the sin and root causes of those leavings, and I can love through them to forgive a person I love deeply.
People are worth saving. Jesus showed us that.
I can forgive people I love (and, honestly, those I don't) because Jesus did it first, and more importantly, because He told me to.
I don't know when Jesus will heal my heart completely. I am still in love with a man I had planned to marry and grow old with. In time, Jesus will reveal the path and plan for my life. The road is pretty painful right now, but when I sit down to read Scripture or pray, my heart and mind are filled with so much HOPE.
And I love that.
Dear Lord, You have given me so much love and forgiveness. I don’t deserve it. I want to be obedient to Your command to forgive. You ask, “Why do you call Me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do the things which I say” (Luke 6:46 NKJV)? I need help, Lord. Allow my head and heart to align. My head knows I’m called to forgive, but my heart still hurts. Please reveal any root of bitterness and heal my hurting heart. Please help me to be kind and tenderhearted, just like You. Amen.
"Come to me, all who labor & are heavy laden, & I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you & learn from me, for I am gentle & lowly in heart, & you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, & my burden is light."
It's a dreary, cold, & rainy Saturday morning today.
I've already been to the park to walk/run my miles, and I've made breakfast and watched a Christmas movie.
My agenda today is to start decorating for Christmas. But honestly, I have no desire to do it. Lately, my heart has been sad, and I'm just not into it yet this year. I feel like the joy has been sucked out of my life for a season.
My prayer partners and inner circle of best girlfriends and family know I am in a season of waiting. And to be honest and transparent here, it sucks - for so many reasons.
Have you ever been here? It could be for anything. Health diagnoses, relationship issues, or work-related situations. It's not a fun place to be.
One day, you are learning and growing and the next minute or even the next day, you could be right back to being broken and wondering why God isn't changing things.
I read this prayer today, and it really touched my heart:
"Father, you are gentle and humble in heart, and you invite me to come to you when I’m weary and burdened. You lead me to a better way. Make me more like you. Open up my eyes to the beauty in this journey of waiting, help me to draw closer to you, and to become more patient. Help me to learn how to rest, wait, listen, and renew. Amen."
I love that - Rest. Wait. Listen. Renew. Interesting series of actions.
The prayer above says "help me...to become more patient..." I've never personally prayed for patience. In church, we've always been taught to not pray for patience because the Lord will readily oblige and teach you! Ha! But, I guess, within our seasons of waiting, patience is something that is absolutely necessary.
Over the last two months, I have been sitting through a period of "time and space." I have had my two prayer partners pray over me in written messages as well as over the phone. The prayers have been beautiful and well-spoken. They have covered me with love and God's Words. Both men have shared their personal testimonies with me, as well as given good sound and Godly advice.
I have been blessed with these two prayer partners, and I am so grateful God has given them to me.
Along with receiving Godly prayer partners during my season of "time and space," God has also opened a few beautiful doors for me within my house of worship - new serving opportunities; new groups to join for fellowship and learning God's Word; and a renewed love of attending church, worshipping, and learning.
But if you've been through a season of waiting, you know that God's blessings still do not make your period of "rest, wait, listen, and renew" a piece of cake or easier.
It's always hard during these seasons - feelings and thoughts of what your heart wants, asking God where He is and why He isn't showing up, and having Him remain silent on the other end - all struggles mixed in with the blessings He presents us with during this time.
I suppose it is in times of waiting we should strive to become more like Peter. Remember when Peter tried to walk across the raging waves and sea to meet Jesus out on the water? He was safe and stayed afloat when his eyes remained on Jesus, but the second he turned away from Jesus, he began to sink.
I think that's what most of us feel like during our seasons of waiting, especially on those days (like today) that are "empty" of any errands or appointments. I always tend to think on these days, "Well, Jesus. Here I am. I've got plenty of time today to work on this thing. Are you going to open a door or not?"
Lordy. I'm sure Jesus must get a laugh out of our thought processes, questions, and "little demands."
We are taking our eyes off the PROCESS and Jesus and turning our gaze to the OUTCOME or problem at hand. And that's when, like Peter, we start to sink.
My prayers remain the same each day. I pray for change. I pray for my loved ones. I pray for protection. I pray for release. I thank Jesus for my salvation, forgiving me for my sins, and for creating new life in me.
As a matter of fact, as I was discussing prayer life with one of my prayer partners a few nights ago, we talked about how there is no magic formula for praying. No special combination of words or actions that automatically prompt Jesus to answer our prayers.
We can pray for God's Will to be done. We can pray for demonic forces to release those we love. We can pray for protection over those we love. We can pray for release. We can pray for doors to open. We can pray for help and healing in certain situations, but - there will never be any special combination of words or actions that God magically responds to.
Rest. Wait. Listen. Renew.
Write those words down and remember them. Those are the periods of "fire" we have to walk through. It may take days...or weeks...or as in my prayer partner's situation, years.
But in the end, God will renew us.
It will be His Will and His way, and we will continue to embrace the PROCESS instead of taking our eyes off Him to focus on the outcome we desire.
Trust me, Jesus knows ALL our thoughts and prayers, and He will still do what is best for us, regardless.
I'll sum up today's post with this...
Christian Pastor, speaker, & author John Ortberg says, “Biblically, waiting is not just something we have to do until we get what we want. Waiting is part of the process of becoming what God wants us to be.”
So in the heartbreak of your "time and space" seasons of life, remember this: REST - WAIT - LISTEN - RENEW - "Waiting is the part of the process of becoming what God wants us to be."
"Father God, I lift up this season of "time and space" and give it to you. You have heard my prayers. You know my heart. I pray that you help me to remember to embrace your PROCESS and not focus on the OUTCOME I desire. I know what you offer and give to us is what will be the very best for us, even if we can't always see it.
I pray we keep our gaze on you and not what other people think or do to us. That you bless us and open beautiful doors in our seasons of waiting. I will trust you to keep instilling wisdom and peace into my heart when evil wants to keep hurt there instead. It's a hard, long process, and we can't always see or feel you. We may sometimes wonder where you are and why you aren't answering us, but FAITH says you are always near and always listening. May we remember these words you teach us and KNOW you will bring us through our seasons. Amen."
