Today marks eleven months since (what I am now calling) my rebirth.
Our church is going through The Lord's Prayer this month, and this weekend's sermon was on forgiveness. Some of the sermon was familiar, but other parts of it resonated with me and made me look deeper into myself.
I think all of us struggle with forgiveness.
It's a hard thing to do - saying, "I'm sorry. I was wrong." Stepping out of our comfort zones and into another's personal space is daunting. Taking the added step of asking for forgiveness can be an insurmountable challenge to add on top of saying you are sorry.
I've written this before, but when my boys were younger and growing up together, I often had them add this extra step into their apologies. It's sometimes easy to throw out and mutter a forced, "I'm sorry!" and then run away and hide. But it's not quite as easy to reveal vulnerability and say, "Do you forgive me?" When we do this extra step, we allow the other party - that we have hurt or offended - an opportunity to show grace and to humble themselves as well. It's a great step, and one I 100% believe in the validity of.
When David and I parted ways, I didn't understand it. I couldn't grasp that a man I loved - and who purported to love me - could just walk away and elevate his parents above our relationship. It was a hard blow to stomach. I felt lost, betrayed, and unimportant and unloved.
I have tried hard to forgive him, and often times, believe I have. And then other times, a stray thought or feeling comes creeping back in, and I feel the hurt and betrayal all over again. Listening to my Pastor's sermon this weekend helped re-center me and put the focus back where it needed to be.
Sometimes, asking for another person's forgiveness doesn't work out well for us. I remember asking David if he could forgive me for hurting him. He shook his head and said, "No." That was a hard pill to swallow, but it propelled me from darkness to eventual light and I learned a huge lesson from that encounter.
It doesn't take a big event to hurt another person. I hadn't cheated on David, stolen money, or anything else "big," but what hurt him was big to him and it had become a deal breaker.
Putting yourself out there and following Scripture doesn't warrant a Get Out of Jail Free card for us. It doesn't put our heart back together. But it will help us learn and grow. And that is more important than healing us in a "moment."
I look at my life now - 11 months post breakup. It has radically changed. "I" have radically changed.
God has healed me. "I" have healed me. It's been a hard journey - and well, heck, it still is some days. But here I am, 11 months later. Just about fully healed and journeying forward.
New life has been breathed into me, and I could not be more humbled to have received it. I don't know what the path ahead of me is, but what I do know is that 11 months ago, I never thought I'd be where I am standing today.
Baby steps. Wisdom. Lessons learned. That's how life rolls.
I am excited, once again, for my future. A future I thought had been stolen from me. God is good. All the time.
If you are struggling with moving past something, maybe you should look deep within yourself. Is there something you need to let go of? Is there something or someone you have to confront or face? Someone you need to forgive?
The choice is always ours. You can stay and sit in your pain or you can choose to walk closely with the Lord, seeking healing and forgiveness, moving on with your life. God is waiting to bless you.
Why not invite him in?
"Father, I am struggling and I know I can't do this without you. Please come into my heart and help me to heal. I welcome your presence, and the help of your Spirit that lives inside me. Help me to lay my burdens at your feet and to heal from my past. I lay my hurts and betrayals at the foot of the Cross, giving them fully to you. I will try my best to forgive the one that hurt me and changed my life forever and then I will move on, knowing I rest in your hands, never to be let loose. I trust you to change my life, to make me whole again. Father, I am ready. Change my heart today. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen."
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