KINDNESS Linked with FORGIVENESS

 

I hate how the human heart and mind ebb and flow through crisis periods of life.

One day, you are doing well; the next, you are in bed until 1pm.

Such was today, with a beginning embedded in last night.   I woke up at 5am, read messages already on my phone from a few early-riser friends, and rolled over.

I finally got up a few hours later, but it wasn't long before my mind and body both betrayed me, and I was back under the covers watching the next few episodes of The Crown.

Finally, at 1PM, the sun was trying to peek through my bedroom blinds and break through the 36-degree weather outside.  I threw back the covers and made my way to the kitchen to talk myself into some positivity while making coffee, eggs, and bacon.

At 1:45PM, I decided to see what God had to say today.  I'd already been to my little bedroom altar in prayer and tears, after a night full of arguing with God.  Surely, He had something good to give me in response to our conversations together.

A girlfriend of mine, whose marriage dissolved this year - after multiple decades - send an encouraging picture and a few texts.  I guess those of us in "misery" love company, but nothing seem to be reaching me today.

I'm at a point where my broken heart just feels like a millstone around my neck.  No matter how much praying I do for healing, it's like the Lord is saying, "No, keep going."  I am despising social media, tv movies, and even going out to eat right now.  Seeing couples together on dates just kills me and makes me incredibly sad.  "Keep going out with friends," everyone says - but it doesn't help.  You just carry the sadness and heaviness of your heart with you, like a piece of luggage.

I'm not really sure how to escape it anymore.  I just keep writing, journaling, praying, and crying.  Eventually, it has to stop, right?

I think that maybe if I knew this hurt wasn't one-sided or if an olive branch was extended, I might be able to heal differently, better, or quicker.  I have asked for forgiveness multiple times (each time, it has been denied), and I have extended multiple olive branches (none taken).  My heart hurts from a type of love I have not experienced before - and from a walking away I don't understand.

I know the love still exists between us both, but I'm not sure why the desire to work through the hurts is absent.  So, to open up today's reading and read Ephesians 4:2 was a little surprising, "And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you."

One thing I am 100% sure of is this - my prayers for my partner have not ceased, and I have seen at least one of them answered.

I will always be kind, tender-hearted, and forgiving.  Because that is what we are called to do - endlessly.

I can't imagine doing anything else.

Forgiveness is hard.  (Which is probably why my ex will not grant it.) In the book of Phillipians, we are told that we can do all things through Christ.  This includes forgiving those that have hurt us.  Forgiving not only releases those that are asking for our forgiveness, but it releases us as well.

I have forgiven my ex for leaving us (four times to be exact) because I know the underlying root cause, and it releases me from harboring anger and resentment towards him and within my soul.

I have asked for forgiveness from my ex multiple times for hurting him, for being selfish, and for also being self-centered - even though I know the root cause (which I wrote about yesterday).  Asking for forgiveness releases me from carrying the guilt and shame of hurting someone I deeply love.  If that forgiveness is ever finally accepted and granted, my ex will be able to release the deep hurts he is still carrying toward me and our relationship.

The act of granting forgiveness is an act of kindness (our fifth Fruit of the Spirit).  Granting forgiveness often becomes a war between the Spirit and our flesh.  If the hurt happened multiple times or if the relationship was deep, the war raging within us may take a little while to sort itself out.  (I think that's what my ex and I are dealing with at the moment.)

One Bible verse I have been praying for (over myself) these past few weeks is one I learned to memorize early on as a new Christian - 2 Cor. 5:17, "Behold, old things are passed away; all things become like new."

In order to walk in full kindness and forgiveness and to renew relationships and love, we must be able to let old things pass away and become like new.

Today, I read a few things forgiveness is NOT.  I think these are good reminders to all of us that when you forgive someone, you are not losing these things:

1. Forgiveness is NOT claiming our pain isn’t genuine. We can forgive and still acknowledge our broken hearts.

2. Forgiveness is NOT condoning or saying someone's behavior was appropriate.

3. Forgiveness is NOT forgetting. We aren’t wired this way.

4. Forgiveness is NOT a feeling. The Bible teaches us the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9). If we’re waiting to feel forgiving towards someone, it may never happen.

5. Forgiveness is NOT an invitation to be a doormat. Expressing clear boundaries of what’s ok and what’s not is very important.

6. Forgiveness is NOT trust. Trust is earned. It requires the offender to repent and show consistency in healthy behaviors for trust to return.

7. Holding on to unforgiveness is NOT powerful. It doesn’t give us control, it deceives and enslaves us.

Those are amazing points, and things I know my ex is struggling with.  It is OKAY to forgive your partner, rebuild relationships, and still love them.  Forgiveness does not mean everything is fine.  It is just a first step to release both parties to move ahead freely and begin the healing process.

In fact, here are some more points of what forgiveness is:

1. Forgiveness IS a decision. Sometimes our feelings and intentions to forgive aren’t always in sync, but the Lord will help us align our heads and hearts in obedience to His will.

2. Forgiveness IS strength and courage. Courage is the ability to be strong amidst pain and grief.

3. Forgiveness IS freedom from the weight and heaviness of the offense we’ve been carrying.

4. Forgiveness IS freedom from bitterness.

5. Forgiveness IS costly. It cost Jesus His very life to provide us forgiveness we don’t deserve.

6. Forgiveness IS a command (Colossians 3:13; Matthew 18:21–22; Luke 17:3–4). 

I'll wrap it up with this.  If Jesus can grant forgiveness, after being flogged, spit upon, and beat beyond recognition, I can forgive a person leaving me multiple times.  I can see past the sin and root causes of those leavings, and I can love through them to forgive a person I love deeply.

People are worth saving.  Jesus showed us that.

I can forgive people I love (and, honestly, those I don't) because Jesus did it first, and more importantly, because He told me to.

I don't know when Jesus will heal my heart completely.  I am still in love with a man I had planned to marry and grow old with.  In time, Jesus will reveal the path and plan for my life.  The road is pretty painful right now, but when I sit down to read Scripture or pray, my heart and mind are filled with so much HOPE.

And I love that.

Dear Lord, You have given me so much love and forgiveness. I don’t deserve it. I want to be obedient to Your command to forgive. You ask, “Why do you call Me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do the things which I say” (Luke 6:46 NKJV)? I need help, Lord. Allow my head and heart to align. My head knows I’m called to forgive, but my heart still hurts. Please reveal any root of bitterness and heal my hurting heart. Please help me to be kind and tenderhearted, just like You. Amen.

Fruit of the Spirit - KINDNESS

The fifth Fruit of the Spirit is kindness.

This one is tricky for me here lately...let me explain.

For the past year or two, my hormones have been depleted.  As in all three major hormones became nonexistent.

If you have been through this experience, you know what I am about to say.

When your hormones are out of balance - or as in my case - completely depleted, you change as a person.  When my hormones depleted, I became hollow on the inside. I felt empty and like a shell of my former self.

I lost all incentives to go out and do things.  I didn't want to be social anymore - I wanted to come home from work, change into my pajamas or casual wear, and just relax at home.  I lost all desire to go out and be adventurous or have fun anymore.  I was just happy to be at home - relaxed, maybe cooking dinner, and watching tv and hanging out with my furry family members.

I also lost all desire to go to church.  And y'all know how much I love Jesus and going to worship!  I was even at a place in my life where my boyfriend, my brother, and my sister-in-law were all attending the same church.  But, I just had no desire to go.  I wanted to stay home and watch it on TV.

I couldn't figure out why I was feeling this way.  

To top it all off, I lost all kindness.  Losing your hormones will turn you into something and someone you won't recognize.  No desire for anything and no desire to be kind to anyone anymore.  It was a sad place to be.  And unless you recognize the underlying medical cause, you will continue on as I did for nearly two years!

In my case, I was very lucky to have a friend that was going through the same thing and who sought medical treatment. She shared with me what was going on, and I was able to start treatment - bioidentical hormone replacement therapy.  I am happy to report, I am finally starting to feel like my old self again.  It is amazing and WONDERFUL!  I love being happy and kind again.

So, for me, the last two years manifesting the Fruit of the Spirit - kindness has been terribly difficult.

Fast forward to today.

During the two years I was lost and in this medical condition, no one knew it.  Due to my unkindness (and, of course, other contributing factors), I lost my boyfriend of five years.  If you have been keeping up with my writings, you know this breakup has me on the verge of complete wreckage.  Some days, I can barely get out of bed.

My faith has grown exponentially during this time, and God has given me the greatest opportunity and pleasure of meeting a growing list of families and women suffering through similar circumstances and who have also wrestled with other things like addiction (that affected my relationship).

But in the process, my now ex-boyfriend has blocked me everywhere - texts, phone calls, and social media.  I don't understand this; I really do not.

My boyfriend is a kind man with a servant's heart, so I do not understand the unkindness of these actions.  Maybe it has to do with maturity, maybe it has to do with love and hurt.  I really do not know.

Hence my struggle with this Fruit of the Spirit.  Kindness is a tough one for me.  I don't know how to show God's love and kindness to a person that is not kind to me.  I know I need to.  It's Biblical.

It's so easy to love those that are lovable, but it is extremely difficult to love and show kindness to those that are not kind or loving toward us!

Since I am studying kindness for a few days, I guess this Fruit of the Spirit will be added to my prayer list.  I can naturally be kind to coworkers, students at my high school, and friends, but being kind to my ex is going to be a challenge.

I've got to conjure up how to do this and really mean it.  The hurt from being blocked everywhere instead of working through issues or seeking help is going to be a big hurdle to jump over.

But I serve a mighty God, and as Lysa Terkeurst would say, He is an expert in sweeping up the dust of our shattered selves and creating new life.  I am so looking forward to that.

I mean, new life.  What is that?  I'm still attached to the old one.  I'm still trying to figure out life on my own apart from my loved one.  I'm still trying to understand thought processes and actions so foreign to my own.  Who just leaves without seeking help, being transparent, or communicating you're hurting?  Yes, I am looking forward to learning all about kindness and the new life Jesus can create.

I want to be happy, joyful, and positive.  I want to manifest love, joy, peace, patience, and now kindness.

Thank you Jesus for sweeping up our shattered lives and taking the dust left from those shattered pieces and forming something new.  So many of us are craving that...

"Lord, thank You for being the perfect example of kindness on this earth. You know how to love unconditionally and purely. I want to be more like You! I need You every second of the day to remind me to extend Your love to others. Help me to not follow my emotions when I’m angry, sad, or anxious but to follow You. Please forgive me for those times I haven’t represented You well. I rest in You today. Amen."

Patience

 

Patience - The fourth Fruit of the Spirit.

This one is tough.

So tough, I deleted everything I wrote yesterday.  I wasn't feeling it, and I think my writing reflected it.

This morning I read this quote by Billy Graham, "Don't let your circumstances distress you.  Rather, look for the will of God for your life to be revealed in and through those circumstances."

This year, the holiday weekend was rough.

I had plenty to do - friends, family, events, gatherings.  Everything was in place as tradition called for, but the burden I have been carrying was still weighing heavy on my heart.

Scripture says the devil roams the earth as a lion looking for its next prey and someone to devour.  Sometimes, I feel like we may not be "devoured," but we can end up being nibbled on or a "snack."

I have been a little slack lately in putting on my Armor of God and maybe that was the issue or maybe the devil just strategically wanted to use the holidays to remind me of what was loss instead of what I possess.

Either way, I have heard from a few friends this morning who were struggling as well.  I think the devil goes into overtime over the Christmas holidays trying to snag and trip up people.  It almost seems like he gets a little jolly over the prospect of it, and maybe we are even easy prey for him.

I hate that.  I am trying so hard to pray for God to help me embrace positivity, joy, and happiness right now, and I am praying so hard for God to manifest within me the Fruits of the Spirit.

This one particular fruit - patience - is really giving me a good go for my money.  

Out of all the gifts of the Spirit, this one has got to be the hardest.  We want God to answer our prayers (immediately most of the time), stop our hurts, or open doors - but we don't want to trust His process - we just want to focus on the outcome.  And God wants us to manifest patience.

And that's where Billy Graham's wisdom comes in when he says, "Don't let your circumstances distress you!"

We should be looking at those circumstances in an upside-down sort of way - instead of letting them distress us, we should be thinking, "How is God's will working through this circumstance I am facing right now?"

And, like I said above, that is tough.

James 5:7-8 ends with this, "...be patient and stand firm because the Lord's coming is near."

Wow.  Be patient and stand firm because the Lord's coming is near. 

If there was ever a good, no GREAT, reason to be patient, it would be because JESUS is coming near TO US.

What an amazing promise inside Scripture.

I think if I know Jesus is coming near to me, I can stand still, be firm, and exercise some patience.  This may be one of those verses I put on my mirror or a note card.  The prospect or thought of being patient becomes so much clearer and easier with the promise of Jesus coming near to me as a result.

I love this quote I read that goes along with the promise of Jesus returning to us one day, "Patience isn’t just about waiting, it’s about waiting without becoming angry or upset. As we wait for various things in life overall, we’re also waiting for Christ to come and establish His kingdom forever."

Does that hit home with you too?  Patience is about waiting without becoming angry or upset.

For the past 12 weeks, I have been praying the same prayers over and over again.  I'm not sure you could call that patience on my part, but instead, it seems to be just what's on my heart and a gentle leading from God's Holy Spirit.

This weekend, one of those prayers was answered.  I was humbled and could not hold the tears back as I drove home from church.  I wasn't crying because a prayer was answered for me; I was crying because a prayer I had been praying for someone else was answered - and I was extremely humbled that God would not only answer my prayer but show me the prayer in action.

I had been waiting 12 weeks for that prayer to be answered.  I was never angry or upset with God for being silent or what seemed like my prayers hitting the bedroom ceiling.  I just waited.

It was a good lesson to me on the value of having patience and seeing what pushing through a hard period can produce - Fruit of the Spirit!

Tough?  Yes.  Worth it?  Also, yes.

"In order to wait well through all of these things, we must live with patience. Patience means we wait with hope and that hope comes from knowing who the promise giver and promise keeper is. Patience also enables us to treat others with the same love and kindness that Jesus treats us with. From small inconveniences to other more difficult problems, patience looks like being gentle, humble, servant-hearted, and trusting. A strong faith in our perfectly patient Father will lead to an increasingly patient heart within us, His children.

Therefore, patience can only become more natural in us when we root ourselves in Christ. His promises and character must be at the forefront of our minds. The Holy Spirit will help us live patiently because He helps us live by God’s truth and live in full surrender."

Patience is waiting with hope.  Hope comes from knowing Jesus.  We can treat others as Jesus treats us because we know Him personally.  The Fruit of the Spirit - patience enables us to treat others with the love and kindness of Jesus.

I will wrap with this.

My son is home for the holidays.  He said something wise to me the other day, "Mom, don't take what people say to heart.  It doesn't matter what they said to you or to [my brother and sister-in-law].  People say things because they want other people to think a certain way or believe they feel a certain way, but when we are alone and by ourselves, we think and ponder and know how we feel on the inside.  And most of the time, it is decidedly different than what we have presented to others.  I can promise you what was said was completely different than what [they] feel inside."

I may be paraphrasing that a little, but you get the idea...

"Don't let your circumstances distress you!"

Keep your eyes on Jesus and HIS will for your life and ponder, "How is God's will working trough my circumstance?"

James 5:7-8 - a good memory verse for all of us today:

"...be patient and stand firm because the Lord's coming is near."

Count on it being a great holiday week for you this year.  I pray it is filled with hope and promises and lots of patience.  People - we got this!

Merry Christmas my friends and Happy New Year!