Friday, December 29, 2023

Fruit of the Spirit - KINDNESS

The fifth Fruit of the Spirit is kindness.

This one is tricky for me here lately...let me explain.

For the past year or two, my hormones have been depleted.  As in all three major hormones became nonexistent.

If you have been through this experience, you know what I am about to say.

When your hormones are out of balance - or as in my case - completely depleted, you change as a person.  When my hormones depleted, I became hollow on the inside. I felt empty and like a shell of my former self.

I lost all incentives to go out and do things.  I didn't want to be social anymore - I wanted to come home from work, change into my pajamas or casual wear, and just relax at home.  I lost all desire to go out and be adventurous or have fun anymore.  I was just happy to be at home - relaxed, maybe cooking dinner, and watching tv and hanging out with my furry family members.

I also lost all desire to go to church.  And y'all know how much I love Jesus and going to worship!  I was even at a place in my life where my boyfriend, my brother, and my sister-in-law were all attending the same church.  But, I just had no desire to go.  I wanted to stay home and watch it on TV.

I couldn't figure out why I was feeling this way.  

To top it all off, I lost all kindness.  Losing your hormones will turn you into something and someone you won't recognize.  No desire for anything and no desire to be kind to anyone anymore.  It was a sad place to be.  And unless you recognize the underlying medical cause, you will continue on as I did for nearly two years!

In my case, I was very lucky to have a friend that was going through the same thing and who sought medical treatment. She shared with me what was going on, and I was able to start treatment - bioidentical hormone replacement therapy.  I am happy to report, I am finally starting to feel like my old self again.  It is amazing and WONDERFUL!  I love being happy and kind again.

So, for me, the last two years manifesting the Fruit of the Spirit - kindness has been terribly difficult.

Fast forward to today.

During the two years I was lost and in this medical condition, no one knew it.  Due to my unkindness (and, of course, other contributing factors), I lost my boyfriend of five years.  If you have been keeping up with my writings, you know this breakup has me on the verge of complete wreckage.  Some days, I can barely get out of bed.

My faith has grown exponentially during this time, and God has given me the greatest opportunity and pleasure of meeting a growing list of families and women suffering through similar circumstances and who have also wrestled with other things like addiction (that affected my relationship).

But in the process, my now ex-boyfriend has blocked me everywhere - texts, phone calls, and social media.  I don't understand this; I really do not.

My boyfriend is a kind man with a servant's heart, so I do not understand the unkindness of these actions.  Maybe it has to do with maturity, maybe it has to do with love and hurt.  I really do not know.

Hence my struggle with this Fruit of the Spirit.  Kindness is a tough one for me.  I don't know how to show God's love and kindness to a person that is not kind to me.  I know I need to.  It's Biblical.

It's so easy to love those that are lovable, but it is extremely difficult to love and show kindness to those that are not kind or loving toward us!

Since I am studying kindness for a few days, I guess this Fruit of the Spirit will be added to my prayer list.  I can naturally be kind to coworkers, students at my high school, and friends, but being kind to my ex is going to be a challenge.

I've got to conjure up how to do this and really mean it.  The hurt from being blocked everywhere instead of working through issues or seeking help is going to be a big hurdle to jump over.

But I serve a mighty God, and as Lysa Terkeurst would say, He is an expert in sweeping up the dust of our shattered selves and creating new life.  I am so looking forward to that.

I mean, new life.  What is that?  I'm still attached to the old one.  I'm still trying to figure out life on my own apart from my loved one.  I'm still trying to understand thought processes and actions so foreign to my own.  Who just leaves without seeking help, being transparent, or communicating you're hurting?  Yes, I am looking forward to learning all about kindness and the new life Jesus can create.

I want to be happy, joyful, and positive.  I want to manifest love, joy, peace, patience, and now kindness.

Thank you Jesus for sweeping up our shattered lives and taking the dust left from those shattered pieces and forming something new.  So many of us are craving that...

"Lord, thank You for being the perfect example of kindness on this earth. You know how to love unconditionally and purely. I want to be more like You! I need You every second of the day to remind me to extend Your love to others. Help me to not follow my emotions when I’m angry, sad, or anxious but to follow You. Please forgive me for those times I haven’t represented You well. I rest in You today. Amen."

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