Eight Months - Now What?

 

Yesterday marked eight months since my life took a sudden, unforeseen detour.

I could not have imagined what happened, happened.  But it did.  And here I am today.

As life changed and I began to adjust to my new normal, God began to work.

He began to work through my darkest days; He began to work through the lighter days; He began to heal.  He began to open new work opportunities at my church.  He introduced me to new people I can't imagine not interacting with these days.  He brought new interests into my life.

To say God is (only) good would be a huge understatement.

I wondered what eight months would look like.  It's not what I imagined.

Right now, I am working a summer schedule at work - 4, 10-hour days each week.  It is a little tiring at best.  Combined with my Tuesday and Wednesday night schedules, it becomes exhausting.

Last night was rough.  As I continue to traverse through these first 12 months, full of new beginnings and traditions, I continue to struggle.  I know it's a healthy journey.  My Counselor has reaffirmed my mental and emotional health over and over again. But yet - each new event I must work through puts me through the ringer.

Just this weekend, we had our family's annual Memorial Day gathering at the lake.  It's always a larger gathering for all family and friends before the smaller gatherings continue to occur the rest of the season.  I brought a friend, but it was hard thinking back to the Memorial Day and summer season of the year before.  Personalities were different.  Energy levels were different.  It was just different.

And yet, I knew I had to traverse through it.  One more milestone in this 12-month journey into a new life and new beginnings.

I laid in bed last night praying.  Asking God to remove the very last vestiges of David from my heart, my soul.  The anchor (as I described it to one of my best friends over dinner last week) that binds me to him.

I am tired of remembering the intimate bond we shared.  You know the kind.  Those bonds you obtain only after years together with someone.  I want to, instead, remember the times he belittled me at the end - said he was so much happier without me; the time he said I was a mean and terrible person; the time he left me crying and crumbled in a heap beside my car in an empty after-church parking lot.

I want to remember that David is the Adult Child of an Alcoholic ("ACOA").  That he was sick the entire time we were together, bouncing back and forth between my house to his Mother's home.  I want to remember that he couldn't move out of the basement.  That he, in the end, choose to leave our family vacation to head back to Dahlonega for family night ("It was family night; what was I supposed to do?" he screamed at me in the church parking lot.) I want to remember, as my Counselor says, "The relationship was never healthy.  He was always unable to choose you and living an independent life apart from his Parents. There is no way you could have saved or changed him.  Until God reveals his sickness to him and he seeks true help, he will continue on as he is living.  You must release him and your thinking that you could have helped him."

God granted me the peace I sought last night, as my exhausted inner self lied down to sleep.  I woke up this morning praying this short prayer, "God, thank you for your sweet peace last night. Thank you for new life entering my world, but please continue to work through my mind and heart, not only erasing - but removing all memories and feelings for David."  I need the memories, feelings, and anchor removed from me.  I am tired of carrying empathy for David and hurt from him as well.  Both enjoined together, keeping a small part of me captive.

As I opened my devotion at work today, I thought, "God, I need to get back to you.  Nothing is speaking to me anymore.  Where are all the healing moments and words you gave me before at the beginning of this journey?  Speak to me once again and help me continue healing and removing this thorn from my side."

I started reading these words from Francine Rivers:

"The wounds in our past can affect us long after we’ve been rescued from that past. When we have been hurt by other people, we might see relationships as only potential pain. We lean away from the people who reach out to us, careful not to give them any ammunition with which to wound us more. We begin to think of isolation and independence as ideal.

But this is not what God considers best for us. As messy and painful as relationships can be, they also bring us life.

We’re created to care for others and be cared for by them. From the very beginning, God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone.' (Genesis 2:18). He knew that life on this earth would be tough, and we would need others to help us share the load. Romans 12:15 tells us to 'rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.' When others enter into our sorrow, their compassion makes us feel less alone. When others celebrate with us, our joy expands. And when we care enough to share others’ joys and sorrows, our love for them grows and our hearts change. 

Ecclesiastes 4:12 is a reminder that God’s presence is what ultimately makes our relationships work. His presence strengthens our relationships, deepens them, and helps them last. First John 4:12 says, 'If we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.' As we love others, He makes us more like Himself.

Isn't it just like our amazing God to answer a prayer right in the moment we pray and ask for it?

"The wounds in our past can affect us long after we've been rescued from that past. As messy and painful as relationships can be, they also bring us life."

I see you God; I hear you.

My wounds from David's actions, decisions, and words still affect me, even after you rescued me.  And I need to remember that even though my time with David was messy and painful, not all relationships will be that way.  You give us new and long-lasting relationships to bring us life as well.

Thank you Lord for the peace you granted me as I slept last night and the words you so lovingly supplied this morning.  I stand humbled and in awe before you.

As I make my way through this new day, I will remember these words of Scripture and write them upon my heart, "No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us. (1 John 4:12)."

Amen and amen.

Tuesday Nights

 

Tuesday nights are hard.

If you know me, just stop.  If you are in my inner circle, don't write.  Don't call. Don't message.

I just need to write this morning.

For me.

Tuesday nights are hard y'all.

Tuesday nights are Celebrate Recovery nights at my church.  If you aren't familiar with Celebrate Recovery, look it up.  Research it.  It is an amazing program.

Celebrate Recovery ("CR") is a Christian-based recovery program much like Al-Anon or AA.  Only CR claims Jesus as their Higher Power.  No vague ambiguities or claiming whatever Higher Power you feel is yours.

It is Jesus-based and focuses on His love and His power as the recovering addict's anchor and hope.

My church asked me to work CR many months ago.  At the time, participants were rotating and taking turns watching each other's children while the rest of the attendees were meeting in large and small groups.  This rotation worked, but it resulted in people missing two hours they counted on - and needed - each week to remain accountable, to learn, and to share.  To alleviate the issue, leaders of CR decided to hire a few adults to work and watch the attendees' children each week.  I was the first one they approached.  I readily accepted.

Working CR turned out to be a financial God-gift to me.  My Counseling sessions at New Name Ministries cost the same as what I was going to receive from CR, so my own healing was going to come as an outward gift of love from a program that was already helping so many others heal.

What I didn't expect was that the program would also become a personal gift to me, as I began to meet the attendees and share supper with them every Tuesday night before their meetings.

Each person's story.  Every personality.  The heartaches.  The hurts.  But also the joys.  The healings.  The laughter.  Their personal accomplishments and goals achieved.

I will tell you that my CR family, although I am not a recovering addict, is probably the closest knit group of people I am a part of these days.

They are the first group of people I see when I walk into my church on Sunday mornings.  They turn around with coffees in hand and shout exuberantly across the lobby, "Good morning!"  I see them filling up the entire center section, second row, every Sunday -  standing, arms raised, and praising their Savior - our God - so emphatically.  I see them after church, lingering in the lobby laughing, sharing stories, and giving out more hugs.

Our CR group has turned out to be one of the dominant saving forces in my life right now, and Tuesday nights have turned into one of my most favorite nights of the week.

They might have needed me at the beginning, but it turns out God knew I would need them just as much in the end.

But, as I started out writing above - Tuesday nights are hard for me.  They may be my favorite night of the week, but they are also possibly my hardest night of the week as well.

You see, to back up for a minute - every Tuesday, David used to come to CR with two of his family members.  It was healthy and cathartic for all three of them.

And after so much counseling for myself and with so many alcoholics reaching out to me (I am up to ten families at this point that I have interviewed, sat and talked with, and listened to), I have learned that David needs CR as much as the two family members he drops off at the front door.

When there is an addict present within a family, there is something called enmeshment (that I have written about before) that encapsulates the rest of the family.  The chains of enmeshment are extremely difficult to break.  They are easy to see by those of us not affected or bound by them, but they cannot be broken from any of us on the outside.

Chains of enmeshment can only be broken by the individuals affected by them.  Breaking free must come from the work of the Holy Spirit deep inside a person, motivating them to see their chains and dysfunction, and then it must be paired with a recovery group such as CR or Al-Anon for moral support.

But also, in addition to self-awakening, realization, and CR, I have learned from my interviews, most recovering enmeshment victims gained the majority of their healing from on-going Christian Counseling.  A weekly place where they can focus on themselves, share their feelings and struggles, and learn how to be healed fully and completely.

Recovery is usually ongoing and a constant fight against oneself.  It is difficult to obtain freedom because enmeshed individuals believe their family is normal and closer than other families surrounding them.  They believe they love and support each other more than other families and that outsiders "just don't understand" the closeness or love inside their family circle.  All outsiders are viewed as "enemies" trying to break the family circle.

I was the enemy in David's family circle.  I was the outsider who didn't "understand."

And when CR hired me, David quit coming inside to group meetings.  Not only did his family members lose their support from him, but David lost valuable and intricate healing he needed as well.

Each week, I see the family pick-up truck pull up outside the church doors.  I see David inside the truck driving, and I see two family members get out and come inside.

Every Tuesday, it is hard.  It is hard seeing David's face again.  It is hard watching him drive away.  It is hard seeing his family members come inside.  People I dearly love and who once told me, "I love you" every time I visited.  It's hard being the one pushed out so the family can stay intact (and dysfunctional).

But, without groups like CR and individual outside Counseling, the cycle of dysfunction remains.  Families with addicts nestled inside of them continue to believe they are "normal" and continue to shield their circle from outsiders.  I was forced to learn about this world because of my experience.  It is truly heartbreaking, but I am forever grateful to the co-workers and friends that helped me understand and gain knowledge.

Last night at CR, it was Chip Night.  A night when participants are celebrated for their time sober and being free from addiction.  They receive different-colored chips signifying the amount of time they have been free.

Since I had three friends receiving Chips, I went into the large group meeting to witness their achievements and celebrate with them.  I had never been inside a meeting before.

I will tell you that what I witnessed inside that meeting was extremely powerful and cemented what I already knew about my new friends at CR.

What an extremely supportive and loving group of people!  No wonder they are happy and so close-knit.  They have been through hell together.

As I watched all the people receiving Chips go up front, tears flowed.  Their stories were (are) amazing.  Their achievements real and raw.  I watched my friends receive their chips, and my heart burst with joy for their accomplishments.

And then, after the Chip ceremony had ended, the group transitioned into singing a song together as a group.  I stood in the back of that dark room and listened as the music played and lyrics flashed on the screen in front of us.

I didn't know the song, but my tears started flowing, as the Lord brought David's face to my mind again.  A vision of David in that pick-up truck driver's seat earlier, dropping off two family members.  And my heart quietly began to break one more time.  Only it was different this time...

Grief is a funny thing.  The stages of it flow in and out, in no particular order.  You can go through one stage, thinking you have made it through. Then, a previous stage will circle right back around and take you hostage again. Sweeping you off your feet unexpectedly.

I have been through the anger stage of grief with this relationship and breakup.  At the time, it felt good to release those emotions.  I remember thinking, "I'm done.  I have released it all to God."

And then - last night happened - unexpectedly.

God was not finished yet.  He still had much left to teach me.  I still had much to learn.  And all at once, I felt the gravity of the situation.  I felt the sweet presence of the Holy Spirit speaking to my soul. And I suddenly understood why I was in that large group meeting yesterday.

As the song continued to play and the CR group sang about God's sweet grace, all my mind's eye could see was David's thickly-bearded face in the front of that pick-up truck a few hours earlier.

As the tears continued to fall, I prayed, "Lord Jesus, I want to fully forgive him.  I want to.  Please reach into the deepest parts of my heart and let me FULLY and COMPLETELY forgive David for the hurt and abandonment he has inflicted upon myself and my family.  And Jesus, I want to love David the way YOU love him.  I want to be able to see him as YOU see him.  I want to see that pearl, that jewel - that person that YOU love and died for.  You died for DAVID because you love him.  I want to love him like that, see him as YOU see him.  Please help me to see through YOUR eyes."

There may have been more words, more tears, and more prayers, but they are best left at the foot of the Cross between Jesus and myself because they were deeply personal and feelings I needed to share with God.  The Holy Spirit had spoken to my heart.  It was time to learn to love through God's eyes, not my own.

Y'all.  Tuesday nights are hard.  Have I mentioned that yet?

Last night, I was with the most amazing group of people I have ever met, and yet, I was also in a room with people I once called family and thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with - loving, sharing holidays with, and taking care of.  People that no longer make eye contact with me, speak to me, or embrace me.  People who believe I am only at CR to use them for my own personal gain.

And then there is the face of David I see each week through the front glass of our church.  Silently sitting in a pick-up truck, dropping off people he loves and wants to help heal, and then quietly driving away.

Driving away with no healing for himself.

My heart breaks. It just plain 'ole hurts. Because my heart no longer breaks for me and my relationship with David.  It hurts because I see brokenness and captivity.  A man who is lost to a world of addiction and chains of enmeshment.

A man who has learned the behavior of isolating himself from stress, so that he is never quite able to adapt and acquire the skills needed to deal with what life throws him.

I see chains where I know there can be freedom.

Resilience and the ability to deal with life's stresses can be learned with the proper tools of group therapy (like CR, Al-Anon, and AA) and Christian Counseling.  Without them, the mind and spirit remain in a weakened state.

My prayer is that Tuesday nights continue to get easier with time.  God has been prompting me on a few things I need to do on Tuesday nights.  I know what He keeps laying on my heart is going to be hard - mentally, emotionally, and of course - physically.  But He has laid these thoughts on my heart so many times, I am pretty sure it means He is pressing me into acting and following His lead. 

Pray I can be God's hands and feet.  And that after six months of turning inward, I can listen to His words on my heart and turn outward to serve the people that need serving.

Newsflash y'all - it's not all about me.  It's about Jesus.

Tuesday nights are hard.

I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I was in that large group meeting last night for a reason.  I believe that in addition to watching my friends receive their Chips, I was also there for God to speak to my heart. So I could see - through His eyes - what He wanted me to see.

A moment of God breaking through my hard outer shell to take the focus off me and put it back on Him.

If you are struggling with any kind of addiction or have a family member struggling with addiction, please seek out a local Celebrate Recovery group, as well as Christian Counseling.  God loves you. He wants you to experience freedom.  All you have to do is take that first step.

You can break the chains of enmeshment the devil is using to keep you captive.  Break the blindness of isolation and learn what true love and normalcy really look like.  I have faith in you, and I want to see YOU as God sees you.

Happy Wednesday my friends.  Blessings.

Gentleness - The Way We Speak Matters

 

The eighth fruit of the Spirit is gentleness.

To be honest, this is the one fruit I struggle with the most.

I did not sleep well last night.  Lots of worry, anxiety, thinking, and prayer.  I'm not a fan of these kind of nights.  Nights where I am wrestling with both myself and with God.

Actually, I'm not sure any of us are fans of anxiety, worry, or the lack of sleep they bring with them.

As I tossed and turned, I began a conversation with God.  I traveled over all the events of my life.  My marriage.  My divorce.  My next two relationships.  I began to let the Holy Spirit show me things, experience all the feelings, and lead me through the emotions and prayers.

I have always struggled with gentleness, and I come about this struggle honestly.

Both my Parents were traditional Italians.  While they were not abusive or mean, gentleness was not a character trait they possessed. But they, too, came about this honestly.

My maternal Grandmother was widowed at an early age with three young girls to take care of in the 1940s.  She went from being adored by a husband that loved her and a stay-at-home Mom to having to work full-time to survive and provide for her little family.  She became mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive to all three of her daughters, who then grew up with their own set of problems resulting from that abuse.

My paternal Grandparents were not abusive to their children, but they did rule their home and raise their children as most Italian families in those decades.  There were rules to be followed, and if you didn't follow those rules, you got a good dose of yelling and probably some physical "reminder" of why you should obey your parents.  Both my Grandmother and Grandfather had a lot of siblings (10 and 12, respectively), so their lives were always filled with aunts, uncles, cousins, and days full of food and fun.

Growing up, love was always present to my brother and I.  But still, neither one of our parents possessed a characteristic of gentleness.  If I had to pick, I guess my Mother was the more gentle of the two with her love of nature, gardening, and animals.  My Father was probably gentle somewhere deep down inside, but it was harder to find and pull out.

As each one aged, their personalities changed and we began to see the gentleness emerge.  It was incredibly moving to witness, and I am so glad this fruit of the Spirit was present in their lives before they passed away.  I like to believe it was always there.  Life just got in the way.

The longer I live, the more I grow to understand that my parents weren't the only people to struggle with gentleness. This eighth fruit of the Spirit seems to be one of the hardest fruit for us to grasp as humans.  It's only natural.  We were born with a sin nature, and we live in a fallen world.  Therefore, being kind and gentle will never come naturally to us.  Our inherent sin nature will always wage war against the gifts God bestows upon us as His children.

Of course, and this goes without saying, there will always be people out there who are inclined to produce gentleness more easily than others.  Don't compare yourselves to them, but remember, as you struggle with this eighth fruit of the Spirit, we are constantly at war against ourselves.  Gentleness may not come naturally to you, but it is still a fruit of the Spirit we can work on and cultivate daily.

Situations where we are under stress or where we might feel we are be being challenged or targeted or maybe even situations where we may have to make a difficult decision can cause our gentleness to quickly flee from us.

I'm sure we are all guilty of not being as gentle as we could have been.  And I'm equally as certain we have all been the recipient of someone not being gentle to us.

Not too long ago, I had the unpleasantness of standing in my church's parking lot one Sunday morning after church services, beside my car, for almost an hour while someone ran through their entire list of why I was not a good person, example by example.

I stood still - silent and listening - without reaction (trying my very best not to cry or respond with why I was not all those things on their list) - as they presented their proof.

I could see their anger.  I could feel their hurt.  It was palatable.  They wanted to invoke my reaction.  I refused to give it.  I stood still and silent, listening to them and silently praying for God to give me the words to relieve their hurt.

Sometimes, being gentle is hard when we have been hurt and are angry.  Sometimes, gentleness is simply remaining silent in a situation when a person just needs you to listen to their hurt.

Why don't we stop this morning, while we are reading this post, and take some time to pray about our lives?  Look deep into who we are, our past experiences and relationships, and ahead into the new futures God is blessing us with.

Maybe God will begin to reveal situations where you could have exerted more gentleness into a situation or to an individual.  Maybe He will open doors and opportunities for you to show gentleness in a future situation or to that person one more time.  Be open to what the Lord is showing you through this time of prayer and reflection.

When we study all nine fruits of the Spirit, we understand where we are lacking (what areas need more care and cultivation) and we begin give ourselves the grace to forgive ourselves and others for past mistakes.

We begin to learn what God desires from us daily.  We grow in wisdom, bravery, and courage as we forge into our new lives and futures.  One that Jesus promises to travel with us.

What is Jesus asking you to do today?

Who do you need to forgive for their ungentleness toward you?

Who needs to accept your forgiveness for your ungentleness toward them?

Let's take time today to pray about gentleness, the eighth fruit of the Spirit.  It's one of the hardest fruits to produce, but as new creations in Christ, we can do it...and the rewards reaped in both our lives and in others' lives will be far-reaching and amazing!

Until next time,

2 Tim 1:7

 

I am veering off patience this morning to share a Christine Caine post.  I am sharing this for someone specific who needs to hear it.

This has been a hard morning, following a hard night.

Last night at 11:30 pm, my son left to head back home to Missouri and the USAF.

Josh had not been home in almost two years, and this visit - although a short five days - was better than any of us could have imagined.

Josh has grown and matured and is a natural talker (much like his Father).  My heart broke (as I knew it would) when I walked back into a quiet and empty house.

There are seven more days left of Winter Break.  I will need to fill them with activities, home projects, and more to help keep my Spirit and countenance full.

I knew that Josh's leaving on top of my feelings for David would be a hard combination to work through.  Two pieces of my heart missing. And so, I wasn't surprised when my body would wake up at 4:30 and then 6:30 and then again at 7:30.  I am drained and tired.

I need to get back to walking, yoga, and so much more.

I wasn't surprised when I tried to pray and talk to God and I kept falling asleep.  I wasn't surprised when I finally broke down and gave in to the tears at 8:30, kneeling by the couch to pray and cry out to God - for myself, for my boys, and for David.

So many feelings.  So many people needing intercession and prayer.  Protection and guidance...

Finally wiping the tears away and pouring the day's first cup of coffee, I opened up my Christine Caine book and read what I am going to share below.

I needed to read this.  God needed to speak to my SOUL.  But also - while reading it, all it kept bringing to mind was David.

I pray that although David has blocked me everywhere, he still remembers this blog and comes to read it from time to time.  This post is for him.  This Bible verse is for him.

The devotion below may be for you as well if you are reading this and struggling today.  I'm not sure who else God may be using this writing for...

I know who I am posting it for and who was brought to mind over and over again as I read.  Yes, some of it was applicable to myself - but my prayer is that David stumbles upon this post at some point in his life and it touches his heart and Spirit as it did mine.

God has a process and a plan in place.  We can't always see it until we have passed it and reached our destination.  I don't know where I'm traveling to today.  I'm just praying I make it through the hours of the day.  As one of my prayer partners told me yesterday, "Debbie, you are going to live whether you want to or not! You will get through this and come out on the other side even better than before!  Embrace this time with the Lord."  Amen.

2 Timothy 1:7

God has not given you a Spirit of FEAR, but one of POWER, LOVE, and SOUND JUDGMENT.

When the Covid-19 pandemic first started, I remember going to the store one day and being shocked at the empty shelves. I remember overhearing conversations as I waited in the long line at the checkout. While some people had much to say and others very little, what couldn't be missed was the fear in their voices.

On my drive home, I couldn't help but think about it, and when I did, that, same spirit of fear began to invade my mind. I thought of my girls and how all this could affect them. They'd already been sent home from school to learn online. They'd already been separated from their friends and routines. We were all adapting to a whole new way of life minute by minute.

As I pulled into the driveway, deep down, I knew I couldn't go in the house in such a state. I had to stop and rein it all in. For Nick. For the girls. For my own piece of mine. So, doing what I had done a thousand times before, I put my hand to my forehead, and I started talking too myself: "Christine, God has not given you a spirit of fear but of LOVE, POWER, and a SOUND MIND. You might not understand what is happening, but the one thing you know is that God has never failed you before, and he is not about to start now, so you know you can trust him now."

I understand you might think this is a strange ritual, but it is a practice I have developed over the years. When I have a decision to make. When I need answers in a tough situation. When my thoughts begin to spiral, my heart starts to race, and my palms go damp. When everything feels out of my control, and fear wants to take complete control. When I need to endure in faith.

In every battle we face, are fiercest enemy is fear, and the devil knows it. That's why he's always ready to foster it and reinforce it. If we don't learn how to overcome its power, then it can defeat us every time. It can even develop into chronic conditions that manifest in our bodies and minds, such as anxiety, panic attacks, incessant worry, or sleepless nights. If you have ever suffered from any of fear's debilitating effects, you know that the symptoms are very real.

But God has not given us a spirit of fear. He has given us POWER, LOVE, and SOUND JUDGMENT. The Bible translation I first memorized calls it a sound mind, which is why I quoted it that way to myself. I do my best to use God's Word to defeat fear where the battle always begins - in my mind.

What about you? Have you learned to fight the battle in your mind and for your mind? Have you learned to wield God's Word against the fear that tries to take over? Today's verse is a strong declaration to remind yourself that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of POWER, LOVE, and a SOUND MIND.

Heavenly Father, thank you that you have not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. Help me remember this and keep trusting in You more in Jesus name, Amen.

*The above is quoted from Christine Caine's newest devotion book, You're Not Finished Yet.  Below is my Amazon Associate link, if you would like to order.  I love reading Christine Caine.  She is always right on time, Biblically-centered and accurate, and a great inspiration to all of our Spiritual walks and growth.

How Do You Frame Your Problem?

 

This morning, I sat down with little time for anything.  My body needed extra sleep, and even though I kept waking up at 3:30 AM, 4:00 AM, and more - I have learned through the years that sleep is something that our body needs for optimum health.

By the time I finally got out of bed at 5:30, I stumbled to the master bath sink to wash my face, then gathered the dog and cat bowls for refilling.  Walked to the kitchen to make coffee and then back to my desk to quickly read today's devotions.

I guess that was my first "mistake," as I read one of the first sentences of my first devotion:

Would you be more likely to play a game that had a 25% chance of winning or a 75% chance of losing? Statistically, more people will choose the 25% chance game even though both numbers communicate the SAME thing.

How you present, interpret and frame a problem has an immense impact on how you will approach it.

This train of thought was bouncing off the story of the prophet Elisha and his servant from 2 Kings 6:

When the servant of the man of God got up and went out early the next morning, an army with horses and chariots had surrounded the city. “Oh no, my lord! What shall we do?” the servant asked 

“Don’t be afraid,” the prophet answered. “Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.”

Isn't it amazing the way the Lord wants us to look at our problems?  It's all in the way we frame them.

God knew I needed to hear this, and before I could rush anymore this morning, I was stopped in my tracks.

Let me provide a little background here.

I've been divorced ten years now.  God has been 100% faithful.  He has sustained and supported myself through the end of my children-at-home raising years and henceforth.  God faithfully provided a home for me and the boys, all our food, and anything else the boys may have needed throughout their time at home with me.

I am still able to tithe, and even - just recently - I was able to give above my tithe to help support our church's building program.  I had to sacrifice something else I paid monthly for, but I was able to do it.

But now, it appears to me that I am in the, "75% chance of losing" outlook in my walk with Jesus.  Savings is down to the level my financial advisor set for me as a red flag of when to call him, and I have one credit card I cannot pay off (and that I depend on).

My job is GREAT - I love what I do, but it pays less than $50,000 a year and that is just not enough in today's world to make all the payments one needs to live on a basic level.  My travel business is going well (I love selling travel and helping people plan their dream vacations), but being a travel agent is not a steady paycheck.

So this week, as my bills come due and bank accounts dip lower, my sleep has been less and less constant.  My mind constantly wonders, wondering if I will have to go back to those early days of marriage and the financial struggles we had.

Faith is real and deep, but when real world struggles present themselves, it is hard to cling to hope and faith.

So fast forward back to sitting down this morning at my desk.  Little time to read and get ready for work.

When I read the devotional preface to Scripture, it struck me hard.  Stopped me in my tracks, and time no longer mattered.

How am I looking at my current financial problem?  Am I looking it as 75% losing or as 25% winning?

Obviously, with no sleep - I am looking at it as 75% losing.  God is silently and quietly reminding me there are chariots of fire surrounding me.  It is not time to give up yet.

I am claiming His promise this morning and shifting my perspective.

Anyone that knows me, knows I am a fighter and a survivor.  I will do what I need to in order to survive.  I will try new things (like my Amazon entrepreneurship venture), and I will keep learning (like finally applying for college and getting ready to set down that road one more time).

I am trying to keep my eye on God and my faith strong.  But, life can be difficult.  I know I am not alone, and so many others are struggling too...many worse off than me.

My story is deeper than what I have shared here today, but this morning, I am thankful for a God that tells me to slow down on a busy weekday and listen to Him.

I am listening Lord.  I hear you.  "75% chance of losing vs. 25% chance of winning."  I will choose the 25% chance of winning.  I will walk in faith.  I will win.  With Jesus in my corner, how can I lose?

So, that is my prayer for myself and for all of us this morning.  Let's choose the 25% chance of winning.  God is on our side.  Jesus is in our corner.

We can do this.  One tiny baby step at a time...

 

 

Wednesday

 

I suppose I should have titled this, "Wednesday's Whoops" because when I clicked to open today's Proverbs 31 devotional reading, at the very top was today's Scripture:

“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.” Galatians 6:1a (ESV)

Yeah.  That's going to be a big, fat WHOOPS for me today.

I have not restored anyone in a spirit of gentleness.  In fact, I took transgression from this weekend and ran all over it with my own opinions, cussing, and my own self-righteousness.

To my defense, the weather is HOT (as in dog days hot).  The real temperature is in the 90s, but the heat index is well into the 100s.

We did pretty good.  We made it to Sunday night before anger raised its not-so-pretty head.  I didn't give a complement to a job (well) done, and I asked to have to have a load set aside for a parent loaded into the family trailer.

Those must have been the magical heat buttons because temper tantrums ensued, the load was thrown into the trailer, and I was told I was unbelievable.  Doors slammed; tires sped away; and ensuing communication became brutal, honest, and then retractive (eventually, the next day).  But it was too late.  An otherwise uneventful weekend was destroyed by a 10-min. conversation and brutal words.

But wait God.  You want me to have a SPIRIT OF GENTLENESS?  What?  Did I read and hear you correctly?  

I am terrible with gentleness.  Do we all know me around here?  They make people with the gift of compassion and empathy to offset the people like me.  I come from a line of people that are "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" kind of people - they work hard (maybe multiple jobs); wear their hearts on their sleeves; and often speak unfiltered.  I'm not good at "gentleness."  I'm not good a praising people.  I'm just not.  I mean, I do love my friends and family; I do "watch" them; I do support them; and I am always happy to help them.  I'm just not good at or possess the gift of empathy and I don't think to ask about them.  Again, it's not that I don't care.  It's just not my gift.

And now, you are telling me that when someone in my path is in transgression, I should show gentleness.  This might be more than my character can pull together and accomplish Lord.  Again, do you know me?

Back to the devotional.

After the Scripture quote, the Author wrote:

"What is it about accountability that makes us squirm?

At its core, accountability calls us to who we are meant to be, through truth mixed with grace. Yet our generation’s declaration of personal independence has pushed this away. We resent being challenged on our behavior. But what if that missing element is exactly why we all feel like our relationships don’t run deep?"

Ouch.

So, accountability calls us to be who we are meant to be.  Not being accountable means our relationships won't run deep.

Ouch again.

Then, Jesus took the rod and poked even deeper:

"When we don’t have a village of interconnected, consistent teammates in our lives, we feel invisible, and when we are left alone and unbothered, we become the worst version of ourselves. Whether it’s neighbors, mentors, grandparents or our closest friends, we need people who see us, who call us up and out. Our key verse, Galatians 6:1a, instructs us on how to do this: 'Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.'"

I love being "left alone and unbothered." Um, Jesus?  Do you know me?

"...we need people who SEE US, who calls us UP AND OUT." Wait.  What are you trying to tell me?  I'm the one with transgressions and I was shown gentleness toward me?  I witnessed transgression and I didn't show gentleness?

I don't think I like the timing of you Jesus.  Putting this devotion in my path.  Do you know me?

The Author of today's devotion gave a little list that I am going to share here because I think it's one we should all print out and hang on our refrigerators and share with our little tribe of girlfriends, our families, and our relationship partners:

"Once you’ve identified a wise and trustworthy friend(s), here’s how you intentionally pursue accountability:

Give permission to this person or people to tell you the truth. 

Ask them regularly: What area of my life do I need to grow in? What practices do I need to embrace in order to grow and mature? Will you hold me accountable to this change?

Plan follow-up meetings. Schedule times when you can revisit this conversation.

Ask your friend(s) if you can hold them accountable for anything.

God made us for community! And it’s when we’re in community with others who are committed to keeping us accountable that we become the very best version of ourselves."

I'm going to end today's Wednesday (Whoops) with the Author's prayer because in my own "whoops" from this weekend, I have not recovered that relationship.  I know how to fix most broken things; I don't know how to fix (nor am I very good at fixing) broken people.  I just pray.  And pray.  And pray.  I am broken too.  We all are, and yes, Jesus does know me.  I'll keep asking Him if he knows me, but judging by today's devotional timing, I think it's a sure bet He's keeping close tabs on me:

"God, thank You for the gift of accountability. Will You help me set aside any pride in my life that is keeping me from living connected like this? Help me find my people who will call me out and call me up to live more like Christ. In Jesus’ Name, Amen."