Release

 

Today's word.  RELEASE.

Man, I must be tired.  I slept about ten hours last night.  My mind, my heart, and my emotions are worn out from the last five weeks and more specifically - from the last ten days.

I have wrestled with God.  And this morning I laid in bed and prayed, "God, I'm done.  I give up.  He's yours.  Take him."

At some point, you have to realize that some people cannot be saved, no matter how much you fight for them.  No matter how much you love them.  No matter how many times you have said the same words over and over to them.  No matter how many times your family members have pleaded the same words over and over to them.

Sometimes, you have to take the hurt and release it and the person you have been trying to save.

It's up to God now.  As a people and a tribe, we have tried.  We have all failed.  There seems to be no amount of words or Scripture that can help.

So today's word is release.  I release my partner.  I refuse to be treated in a manner that is so undeserved.  No communication or working through feelings or thoughts.  Silent treatments.  Ignoring when in the same room.  I am worthy.  I am a child of God, and after five years of sharing life, being in love, creating a partnership, promises of a future together, and a commitment to an us, I refuse to continue to be treated in a manner worthy of someone in a position so much less. The disrespect given to me and this relationship over the past ten days has been unexpected and should not be permitted in a Christian relationship that was once blooming, fruitful, and Christ-centered.

I have placed too much focus on him, the silence, and my heartache.  I can't do it anymore.  It's ruining me, and I'm not living life.  I want to be alive again.  I want to heal and be filled again.  

So take him God.  He is yours.  Carve out the path you desire for him.  Use him for the purposes you have for him.

I will always pray that you allow our paths to cross again or our relationship to reunite and heal, but despite all my prayers, you have not allowed that to happen thus far.  I will continue to pray that you grant him courage and bravery.  That you grant him the ability to step out of a lifestyle that has become comfortable and to face the evil of fear and overcome it.  I will continue to pray that you instill in him a desire to fight for the things that are true and real and matter most.

I am so thankful you gave him to me for five years.  My life is forever changed.  I will always love him and the life we carved out together. My heart will always hold hope of a future together.  But this morning, I can't shoulder the heaviness of the hurt any longer and I can't take the level of disrespect a day more.  So today's word is release.

As God always does, He shows up right on time.  Thank you Proverbs 31 for being the first thing I read this morning:

One definition of “belonging” is “the feeling of security and support when there is a sense of acceptance, inclusion, and identity for a member of a certain group.” When we belong, we’re right where we’re supposed to be.

Today’s key verse shows us the ultimate source of belonging in the midst of our brokenness: “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).

In our pain, our loving heavenly Father runs to us, is near to us, and comforts us with His presence and the peace only He can provide. In our pain, we belong close to our Savior. It’s the best place for us to be.

My daughter’s response to her father’s care didn't surprise me and probably doesn’t surprise you either: We recognize the blessing of a loving father who ran to his child and comforted her. We would expect her to receive that gift gladly and rest in it.

But when circumstances shatter our lives, instead of allowing God to come close and put our broken pieces back together, I think we sometimes pull away. Instead of allowing God to care for our wounds, we cover them and recoil. After all, wounds hurt, and we fear that exposing them will only hurt more.

But as with an untreated physical wound, untreated heart wounds grow more and more tender. Though covered up, the wounds get worse, and if they’re not treated, infection will spread and create even more hurt.

The first step to belonging is to bring our brokenness to Jesus. Instead of tirelessly trying to fix things ourselves, we can let Jesus put the broken pieces of our hearts back together.

God doesn’t want us to spend our lives endlessly trying to keep it together. He wants to heal us, fill us, and lead us to the rest found in His arms when we belong to Him.

Dear God, I know You see the wounds in my heart. Today, I bring You my broken pieces. I desire Your healing and the rest found in Your arms. Give me the courage to trust You. Lead me to the belonging You created for me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.