Nine Months After - Moving Forward with Joy

 

Nine months.

How did I ever get to NINE MONTHS post heartbreak?

Well, for one - it wasn't easy.  There were days (and if I'm being honest, a few weeks) I couldn't get out of bed because of the depression and accompanying thoughts swirling around in my heart and head. It was HARD.  I wasn't sure I was going to make it some days.  But I kept going and pressing through those dark days.

Second - my little prayer rug.  I shared my prayer rug on my Instagram account during this time.  I made a home altar - a dedicated space to go prostrate before the Lord with those ugly cries, questions, and even demands.  It was so reassuring to have a space I could run to when I needed to pour out all my anguish to God.

Third - Plugging in.  God opened doors for me.  I got a paid position at my church, which - in turn, led me to meeting my core group of church friends - who provide so much wisdom to me on a weekly (and sometimes daily [thank you Jacque]) basis. I also joined a women's Bible Study at my church, which provided me with a group of ladies I could stand beside and be amazed at each week - their strength, character, and most of all their TALENT just inspired me each week (and still does today).

If I can emerge with beautiful, God-placed scars, you can too.

I read my daily devotional this morning, and it was so powerful and moving to me that I am going to share it in its entirety this am.  This is a great study on YouVersion.  I want to encourage you to do the plan if you are struggling with heartbreak in your life.

My prayer for myself and each of you reading this right now is that we will all reach the shores of Heaven happy, healthy, and whole.  (I'm not sure there is any other way to arrive on the shores of Heaven.) God knows you intimately.  God is watching; He is listening.  He loves you more than you could ever imagine.  If you haven't given your heart to Jesus, today - right now - is the perfect opportunity to come to know Jesus in a personal relationship.  He is waiting.  

Let Him take the hurt away.  Let Him heal you.  It IS possible!

I love you.  May your Sunday be richly blessed...

* * * * * *

Moving Forward

Let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus… Hebrews 12:1-2 ESV

Imagine you’re running a race with a heavy backpack slung over your shoulders. Performing well in that race would probably be difficult and painful. 

Similarly, when you hold onto heartbreak for too long—it weighs you down and prevents you from moving toward what God has called you to do. 

It’s not wrong to be heartbroken for a time, but the Bible warns us not to let it overstay its welcome: 

There is an occasion for everything, and a time for every activity under heaven … a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:1&4 CSB

There’s a time to hurt, but moving on is necessary for our well-being. It can be challenging, but God has given us several approaches for moving forward:

1. Focus on What’s Good

…Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Philippians 4:8 NLT

One way to approach moving on is to focus on the good. When you make more room for good thoughts, the less room there is for hurtful ones. Challenge yourself to battle negative thoughts or hurtful memories by thanking God for the blessings in your life. 

2. Look Forward

Forget the former things;

do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Isaiah 43:18-19 NIV

Unfortunately, what happened in the past will always be there, and we can’t change what’s happened to us. With God’s help though, we can start to move forward from what we’ve lost and focus instead on the healing He wants to bring. If we focus on what He’s doing, we have an opportunity to partner with Him and be a part of the good things He has planned. 

3. Rejoice 

We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope… Romans 5:3-4 CSB

Moving on gives us a unique opportunity to rejoice—not because we experienced pain, but because we’ve been given a chance to learn. A heartbreaking situation can be one of our most intimate times with God, and when we spend time with God, we learn from Him. We rejoice because with God, we come out of heartbreak with more wisdom. 

Healing is a process, but as we move forward from our past hurt, we can count on God being there every step of the way. 

Pray: 

God, thank You for being near me during my heartbreak, and for helping me bind up my wounds. As I move forward, help me to focus on Your love for me, Your love for others, and the goodness of Your will. In Jesus’ name, Amen. 

Listening

 

This morning was interesting. 

Before my feet even hit the floor, I was in prayer.  No revelations or epiphany this morning.  Just good, 'ole-fashioned prayer with the Lord.

I picked up my phone and went through a few old conversations, digging deep and going way back.

What I came away with was something gleaned.  Divine interference?  Maybe.  I really don't know.

I felt something stirring inside of me.  My heart seemed touched.  The question looming in my head was, "What can I do for you?"  And then, I thought - maybe God is trying to tell me something.

My brother told me this morning, after I shared my morning prayer time with him, that we, as Italians, have a common trait we need to be constantly working on.  We talk.  In fact, we probably talk too much, to our detriment.  We need to be listening more.  

I think that while I have always been listening, maybe my heart was not in the right place or where it needed to be during past conversations. Several questions flooded to my heart this morning while I prayed and read those old conversations.

"How can I do better for you?" "What do you need from me?"  "What can I do to help you?"

As I listened and read, I saw that my responses in the conversations were plentiful and long.  But the person's responses with whom I was in conversation with were short and often shared what they needed from me or what was missing.  

I thought I had been listening, but it looked like I was stampeding over my conversation partner.  My high emotions at the time had not yielded to the heart of the other person.  What I was accusing the other person of, I seemed to be guilty of as well.

My heart sunk as I scrolled through the old conversations.  So much could have been derailed if I had just actually answered those thoughts and feelings.  If I had just said, "I'm sorry. What can I do for you?" or "I'm sorry.  What do you need from me?"

Fast forward several hours and a conversation with my brother later.  Dog and cats fed.  Coffee brewed.  Opened up today's reading - from Billy Graham - and this is what I found waiting for me.  How does God always know what is coming down the line and prepares us and our hearts for it?

"The blind man, Bartimaeus, threw off his cloak and ran trembling to Jesus. 

And Jesus said, “What do you want me to do for you?” 

He said, “Lord, that I may receive my sight.” 

In that moment as he said, “Lord,” his spiritual eyes were opened. And Jesus said, “Your faith has made you whole.” 

Notice—not your intellectual understanding, not your money, not your works—but your faith. Faith! That’s all it takes! 

Immediately Bartimaeus, who had been blind all of his life, began to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was the face of Jesus. What an experience—to open one’s eyes and look straight into the strong, tender face of Jesus! 

Bartimaeus met Jesus, and the record says he “followed Jesus in the way.” When you go back to your business, or your home, or your neighborhood, or your friends, or your school, you don’t go alone. Christ goes with you.

Did you catch that?  Jesus said, "What do you want me to do for you?"

Maybe I did have a divine appt. and epiphany this morning after all!  God had been preparing and calling my heart to a new place before I even opened up Scripture.

He softly said, "Debbie.  I need you to stop talking and start listening. You are missing things."  Suddenly, my heart flooded with new emotion.  I had been missing this key part of living and relationships (I think) my entire life. It felt like a blurred view had suddenly come into focus.

To be honest, I've been praying a long time for change like this to come into my heart - I mean months, if not years.  I wasn't born with a "sweet" gene, and I've always been envious of those that had it.  What a wonderful feeling to finally "get it" and understand true empathy and love for others.

As I laid in bed praying and reading those conversations, things suddenly became clear.  I recalled conversations with our Principal at school, often talking to our staff about meeting students where they are.  Asking questions like, "What do you need from me?" and "What can I do to help you?"

I could hear his talks ringing in my head. Everything was clicking.

Then I heard that familiar still, small voice say, "Debbie. Now, I want you to extend an olive branch this morning."

Wait, what? You want me to act on this right now?  I thought we were just going to let me apply this to all future situations...You're kidding, right?

He continued, "Here's what I want you to do and it may not end like you want it to, but I want you to be brave, have courage, and reach out this morning.  I want you to tell someone that you hear them.  That you know what is important to them, and that you are asking, 'May I do this one thing for you? I know it means a lot to you, and I'd like to give this gift to you.'"

So, I did it.  I extended the olive branch.  Truth be told, I was hesitant before I did it, but I felt so sure it was God prompting me, I didn't dare resist.  I hit the Send button on my olive branch message and put my faith in God's plan.

I'm still a nervous, anxiety-ridden wreck at the moment and as I write this.  But I feel certain of the message God gave me early this morning. Regardless of the answer I receive, I know God has a plan and I followed through with what He asked me to do.

On a more positive note, I shared this experience with both my best friend and my brother.  I asked both of them for their opinion on my olive branch message.

Both were incredibly positive and said, "You did the right thing." To make it even better, both added, "That is a big thing I need to work on as well.  I don't listen as well as I should."

It is truly a hard thing to stop talking at times, especially when emotions are running high and we feel we have been run over or we want to get our point across.

But if we don't give any credence or yield to the other person in conversation, is it really a conversation?  We must listen to grow into the full person God intends us to be and to show other people we truly care about their thoughts and feelings.

Scripture is filled with commands to stop talking and actually listen.  There is also that old adage that says, "God gave you one mouth and two ears.  That means you should listen twice as much as you talk."

I believe my prayer time, olive branch message, and subsequent reading time this morning were a gift to me.  I was able to view past conversations in a new light and see how I may not have been truly listening to the other person. How I may have missed what their heart was trying to convey in that moment.

I want to change this.  I want the people I am closest to in my life to feel like they can share their thoughts and feelings with me and that they can trust me to listen and be available to them.  That I am listening to them.

I don't want my conversations to reflect only my thoughts and feelings or to only be a reflection of me; I want to listen in conversations and help others through their struggles as well.

That's why we are here, and that's how we show love best to those we love the most.

We serve a big and mighty God.  Change is always possible, and I want to be pliable clay in the Potter's hands.

Happy Thursday everyone, and remember - take the time to listen to those you love and to whom you are the closest with today.  It will change your life and theirs.

  

Becoming Fruitful

 

Early this morning, I had a brief text "conversation" with a family friend.

I was inviting him to a few events I am attending this weekend.  He has been struggling with some key items in his personal life, so I figured he would need the brief escape as much as I would.

He readily accepted my invitation and then followed up with a few texts that were kind and thoughtful.  His words were sweet and encouraging.

His texts reminded me - "Keep taking baby steps forward. Keep your eyes on Jesus.  And try to keep your mental and emotional focus off yourself.  Remember those around you."

My friend had shown interest and compassion into my situation (without knowing any details) even though he was currently struggling with his own things.

I want to be like my friend when I grow up.  I want to be able to produce fruit even when life doesn't look like it's going to turn out the way I envisioned and wished for.

When my own life is topsy turvy, I want to be able to remain calm and gentle.  Loving and not argumentative.  I want to always remember to lay my hurts and stumbles at Jesus' feet where He will remove their burden from my shoulders.

Chatting with my friend was a good opener to reading my devotion this morning.

I opened up Scripture and found the topic to be (no surprise - hello God) "Becoming Fruitful."

Proverbs 18:21-22 says, "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.  He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord."

Verses 21 and 22 go hand in hand, even though you may think they do not.

Look at it this way, "If you want to reap a harvest of happy, fulfilling years married to the apple of your eye, commit to planting seeds through your speech with words that will bloom love in all seasons."

I'm working on this one!  I am definitely not quick to pull the weeds of negative and hurtful words.  Positivity is hard for me, but I want to be great at it some day!

I was raised in an Italian home, and if you know anything about Italian homes, you understand that we are super quick to draw our swords and lunge at each other.  We get it.  We understand it.  But, I have had to learn the slow way that most people AREN'T Italian and have not grown up in an Italian home.  They don't operate under our family dynamics of arguing, making up with a kiss to each cheek, and then following up by breaking bread together over pasta and red wine.

Think about this for a minute:

"What seeds are you sowing into your relationship? 

Be quick to pull the weeds of negative and hurtful words by repenting and asking forgiveness as soon as they sprout. Your speech is a reflection of your heart, so be intentional about allowing both to be sowed into and reaped with only positive nutrients."

When I was raising my two, now-grown boys, they would often argue and fight.  A friend of mine, raising three girls, had implemented something in her child raising that seemed to work.  I implemented her method of forgiveness into my boy raising, and it has really been amazing to watch the effects from this method as the boys grow into men.

When my boys started fighting, I would have them face each other and apologize.  THEN, I would have the offending boy ask the other one, "Do you forgive me?"  Adding in that extra layer of forgiveness was really hard.  It's easy to spit out an ungrateful, "I'm sorry," but when you combined it with asking your brother for forgiveness, well then - it wasn't so easy.

As the boys grew, I noticed they sometimes used this extra layer of asking for forgiveness on their own.  I also tried to remember to use it when I got into arguments with them as teenagers or even now as young men.  Today, I find both boys readily apologize when they offend me and both have grown into men with compassion and kindness.

In a recent conversation with my youngest son after learning of my recent heartbreak, he said, "Mom, it's okay.  I hate to hear that.  Call me when you want to talk.  I'm here to listen."

Wow.  I did not expect that kind of compassion from a 23-year old.  A little shocking to this Mama's heart to be quite honest.  But wow.  What a tearful and joyous moment on the phone with him.  I thanked him for his gesture but assured him I had my small inner circle to glean and learn from and also to lean on.

Circling back to our Scripture verse from this morning...everything comes full circle when we pay attention.  God seems to always be talking to us, doesn't He?

Proverbs 18:21-22 says, "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.  He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord."

Just one more example of what loving on people can do.

Through my recent heart hurt, I have asked God to teach me how to love without arguing.  How to be open, honest, and transparent with those I love.  To love others through God's eyes, no matter what silence, rejection, or hurt is bestowed upon me.  I lay all of these things at the Cross.

If our speech is truly a reflection of our hearts, I need my heart to change.  I want to see people as God sees them.  I need to be intentional about reaping only positive nutrients and letting people know that God loves them, sees them as brave and courageous, and as the divine creations He created.

This was a big lesson for me today, and I am so thankful I had a dear friend speak to me in such a kind manner this morning, proving to be an excellent example of grace.  It makes we want to strive to be better.  To be kinder.

Today, I lay my heart and my hurts at the feet of Jesus.  I know that won't magically make the silence or absence of my loved one feel better, but I know it's the right thing to do.  If Jesus can love people through the pain and torture of a Cross, I know I can follow His example and try my best and hardest to be as much like Him as possible.

If anyone reads this, I hope you are encouraged as well.  Lay your hurts, your anger, and your disappoints of life at the foot of the Cross.  Jesus is waiting to remove the burden from you.  Don't hold on to it.  Let it go.  And then walk into the glorious presence of His grace, mercy, and love. 

Faith of a Warrior: Shield Up!

 

I am praying this morning for the FAITH of a WARRIOR.  Channeling my inner Warrior Princess Mulan.

2 Chron. 20:17 says, "You will not have to fight this battle...stand firm & see the deliverance the Lord will give you...do not be discouraged...the Lord will be with you."

God knows the Scripture & people you need when you need it.

I needed to hear these words this morning, and I needed my friends this weekend.  I sat in a Waffle House, hours away from my home, Saturday night.  It was probably around midnight.

We had all just finished watching The Blind at the Tiger Drive-In.  It was a wonderful night.  Cool breeze, clear skys, and bright, shiny stars.  Good girlfriends, good food, and a wonderful message tucked inside a great movie.

If you haven't seen The Blind - the story of Phil & Kay Robinson, I suggest you see it at some point - either while it is in the theaters or when it hits the home streaming market.  It is a powerful testimony of a man wrestling with himself, his family, and most importantly - God.  It was wonderful seeing God work so powerfully in a man's life.

I watched the scenes when Phil hit rock bottom, and I remember thinking, "Let's look at this from God's point of view."  It was hard to watch, but it was much harder for the Robinson family to live through at the time.

GOD watched Phil Robertson's life tenderly because He knew Phil needed to experience hitting rock bottom in order to become pliable.  To become available to God so he could be formed into the man God called him to be.

God calls our men to be hunters.  Leaders.

Sometimes, we get lost in ourselves and forget the natural roles God has called us to.  Phil Robertson, despite all the ugliness and abuse, heard God and listened.  He stood up, "brushed himself off," and led his family back to the Cross. Back to repentance, back to a place of asking for forgiveness, and back to love.  God took a sinful man who had led his family to a place of brokenness and ruin and transformed him into a new creation.  A redeemed man who could then assume the natural role God created him for - leader, loving husband, and joyful follower of Christ.

Go see the movie.  Your life will be changed from it.  It is a powerful story.

But back to the Waffle House at midnight...

As our little group sat together inside that grill-side booth talking to our waitress and listening to her story, we slowly sipped our coffees and shared our lives with each other.  Old friends, new friends.  All of us sharing stories and life.

At one point during the conversation, one of my oldest and dearest friends crossed her arms, looked me straight in the eye, and said, "You are enough. You've said this before.  [Your partner] is the one who is not enough.  It's time to fish or cut bait. Even if you get engaged, the same cycle is going to go on another five years."

I knew she was right, but - my heart.  How do you so clearly see and stand by someone you love while watching them destroy your relationship with allegiances and foundations laid elsewhere?  It's been a long road, and I have grown weary of the battle.

Over the years, I had begun to shut down and withdraw as my talks and the sharing of my feelings fell upon deaf ears.  The cycle kept repeating itself.  I was never enough.  I was not a catalyst of change for my partner.

My hands felt (and still feel) tied.  What more could I say to anyone?  The talks never led to any real change.  I felt, and began to believe, I was not enough.

I began to pray and share my hurt with God, although He had already seen my heart daily.  Outside of prayer, I had only shared my feelings with one close friend.

Today, I am tired of feeling I am not enough.  I am tired of leading.  I'm tired of being the provider.  At some point in our relationships, we have to remember the natural roles God and Scripture have called us into.

It is not a woman's natural role to be the leader and provider.  It is our role to ultimately fall behind the man we love as he leads the relationship.

I was not getting that, and my relationship with my Partner over the past five years had begun to wear thin and exhaust me.  His allegiances and commitments continued to lie elsewhere with me getting the leftover scraps.  I was finally breaking.

This morning, the Spirit gently reminded me how lucky I am to have best friends - old and new - alongside trained coworkers who kept reinstating the words, "You are enough."

I surely do not feel that way 100% of the time. I still struggle daily with feeling less than and not enough.

Last night, as I laid down to sleep, I began to pray.  I heard the Spirit quietly whisper in His familiar still, small voice, "You are enough.  It's not your partner who is not enough.  He is.  It is the relationship that is not enough for you."

I felt a calming peace, that had alluded me most of the day, as I drifted off to sleep.  "Thank you Jesus for your words and for the peace you have just granted me."

Let me be clear - I do love my partner dearly; he is a good man.  I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else.

However, I also recognize that the choices he has made over the last five years have led to me feeling I am not enough.  God and Scripture tell me I am enough.  So shields up.  I'm not buying the devil's lies anymore.

It is not me who is not enough.  It is the relationship my partner has created in putting others and situations before me that is not enough.  Satan, you will not win this battle in devaluing me.  I am a Child of God, and I will rightfully claim that!

I woke up this morning to the Words, "You will not have to fight this battle...stand firm & see the deliverance the Lord will give you...do not be discouraged...the Lord will be with you."

Thank you Jesus.  I am still struggling, but I hear you.

I will keep taking baby steps toward healing.  I will eventually wholly believe I am enough.  I will accept that as women, we need the natural order of how You created us in relation to the men in our lives.  We need our men to lead our relationships and put us first.  Without that natural order of Scripture, we will break.  You did not create us to be any other way.

I am sitting still, and I am listening.  I am channeling my Warrior Princess Mulan.  

Thank you Jesus for the constant encouragement and support though these crazy up and down days.  I love you.  I am committed to making myself, my inner circle, and this world a better place through you and for you.

Matthew 6:33, "But seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given unto you."

Amen!

Rebuilding

 

I found this prayer today in my morning devotional.

Devotionals and journaling are a bit tougher now that I'm back at work and off the Thanksgiving break schedule.  I miss waking up, brewing coffee, and journaling.

I am trying to make a new schedule because this journaling thing is so cathartic to and for me.

This morning, I cracked open my devotional and I read this prayer:

"Heavenly Father, disagreements are bound to happen in our relationship. Conflict is a normal part of being human. Rather than pray to avoid disagreements, God, I ask that You equip us to handle our disagreements with honor and respect for each other. Help our marriage to reflect Your instruction found in Ephesians 4:29-32: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” I praise You for giving us the blueprint for how to communicate in our marriage and in our home so that You are always pleased."

Gosh, I love that.  So many good nuggets of information inside there:

• Conflict is normal
• Don't avoid disagreements; get equipped for them
• Honor and respect each other through an argument
• God gives us the blueprint on how to communicate between each other

Wow.

I love that because it reflects what I have experienced this weekend.  On Sunday, I was able to take my dog for a walk in the park accompanied by my Partner. 

It was a time of openness, being raw, and being transparent.  Love expressed.  Anger expressed as well.  Loss and confusion on each party's part shared.  And, most importantly, apologies and forgiveness offered and accepted on each side.

Honestly, I could not have asked for a better representation of God's Word or a textbook on relationships.

I am very blessed to have a person in my life that respects God's Word, tries hard to reflect and follow that Word, and that loves me, my family, and my world.  I can only hope to try and be half the person they are.  What I lack, my Partner holds.  What my Partner lacks, I think I hold.  Strength and balance between the two of us for sure.

I am not perfect.  My Partner is not perfect.  Together, we surely are not perfect.  We are just trying to read a Book and follow it's Principles and direction.

One thing I have learned the past 20 days is that I am loved.  Loved by a Creator God, loved by coworkers who reached out privately, loved by friends that showed up and gave of themselves and their talents, and loved by family members that all reached out and supported.

I found out I am stronger than what I thought I was.  That I don't need a Partner, and that not needing a Partner helped me break free of strongholds I have always held on tightly to.  Twenty days granted me a closeness to the Cross.  Twenty days helped me heal and find myself.  Twenty days made me stronger so that I could be a better person for my Partner, if he returned.

My journey is certainly not over.  I'm still counting the days, as our relationship is still not fully restored.  It is a tentative work in progress.  I sort of think it should always be like that.  I don't want to be fully confident in another person again.  I want to know I can do life on my own if I have to.  That I can go to the Cross and be restored and strengthened.  Be taken care of.

I have so much to learn in life, and I wish I had learned all these lessons in my 20s and not now, in my 50s.  But I guess this is my path and I have to walk it.  Maybe my path will inspire other paths - others in their 20s that can learn from where I have walked.

Here is another great prayer - not only for marriage or dating relationship conflicts but also for conflicts that arise within your family or friendships.  May I always remember this (although my memory these days is not what it used to be) for my conflicts in the future:

"Gracious Lord, let the words of my mouth and the words of my husband’s mouth bring life to each other rather than death. Words are powerful and so are our tone and body language. I ask that You give us examples in the lives of godly couples to see what healthy communication in the midst of conflict is to look like, especially if we have not witnessed it before. Please help us not to shut down or run from disagreements either. You tell us not to let the sun set on our anger, so please give us a willingness on both our parts to resolve our disagreements in a timely, respectful, and kind manner."

If there is one thing I have learned this morning and over the last 20 days, it is this - be open and transparent in your relationships (all of them).  Love with your words, and do not use them as weapons.  Hold others higher than yourself and cling to the Cross with all your hurts, disappointments (in life and with people), and celebrations.  Jesus will bring you through!

Living Between Two Gardens - Learning to Wrestle Well

 

Rev. 21:5 - "I am making everything new! ...these words are trustworthy and true."

Learning to wrestle well.  Lysa T. says it best when she says, "...we're living between two gardens; God will make everything right."

I am sitting down this morning with my cup of coffee trying to sneak in a few minutes of reading before heading out with the girls to shop Black Friday.  It's our second year of doing this, so I guess that now makes it a tradition.

We suit up, head to Target, then grab some breakfast before hitting the next stop on our whirlwind morning of fun.  

It sometimes feels like we are between two gardens - a beginning and an end.  I'm using a poor analogy here of comparing fighting the crowds of Black Friday (a beginning of chaos) to an ending of restoration and healing (coming home "satisfied" with your purchases).  But it's all I got this morning...

Reading from Lysa's writings this morning, we are pondering the story of Adam and Eve.  Why would an Almighty God create our hearts for the perfection of living in a garden of Eden when He knows that ultimately, because of sin, we would have to leave?

To quote Lysa, "I mean, once Adam and Eve sinned, couldn’t God strip the craving for perfection out of their hearts? Yes, He certainly could have done that. But to strip out the cause of our disappointment would also rob us of the glorious hope of where we’re headed.  Remember, this is a love story, and we will never appreciate or desire the hope of our True Love if lesser loves don’t disappoint. The piercing angst of disappointment in everything on this side of eternity creates a discontent with this world and pushes us to long for God Himself — and for the place where we will finally walk in the garden with Him again."

Wow.  This totally coincides with the first devotion I read this morning talking about addicts.  How we sometimes, as Parents, have to let our children fail and face difficult circumstances in order for them to become better, to heal, and to develop character.

It's the same here.  If God strips out all of the disappointments in our lives, He would be robbing us of the HOPE ahead of us.  In order to appreciate the beauty that lies ahead, we must face disappointments, failures, and times when we will fall.

In the book of Revelation, God talks about restoration and the HOPE that lies ahead:

"Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” (Revelation 21:3–5)

Wow.

Did you catch that?  Everything on this side of Heaven is death, mourning, crying, or pain.  Those things in here on Earth, in a natural state of sin bring on human things like anxiety, sorrow, grief, depression, and so much more.

But ... how lucky are we?  This is just the "middle."

Rev. 21 teaches us that there is HOPE for the ending, and that in this middle space we are just learning to "wrestle well."  Learning to deal with all the things that sin and this world bring with it.

Lysa says it best this way, "In this restored garden of Eden the curse will be lifted and perfection will greet us like a long-lost friend. There will be no gap between our expectations and experiences. We won’t be disappointed or live disappointed. Our feelings and faith will nod in agreement. We will return to a purity of emotion where we can experience the best of our hearts working in tandem with the absolutes of truth."

There is some very deep wisdom there.  I don't know about you.  But the last 15 days have had me wrestling my expectations against my experiences.  I have been disappointed.  My feelings have been wrestling with my faith.  

I'm not sure I can even imagine a place where my heart works in tandem with truth.

"We won’t need to wrestle well, because we will be well. Whole. Complete. Assured. Secure. Certain. Victorious. And brought full circle in our understanding of truth."

I'm looking forward to that glorious day.  Right now, this morning, my heart is not in tandem with the truth.  I am very blessed to have a circle around me of wisdom and love, but I still wrestle with death, mourning, anxiety, and other things a world of sin brings to us.

As I sometimes do, I am leaving this morning with a Southern Gospel song.  I find God draws me back to my musical roots when I draw close to the Cross.  Something about these people and the music just speaks to my soul.

Enjoy the last drops of Thanksgiving 2022.  Before you know it, we will be transforming into the Christmas season.

Praying it Forward

 

Good morning readers.

I missed yesterday, but I had a very long day doing something for and inside my community so I was unable to study God's Word and journal my thoughts.

I didn't think anyone read this blog, but my "views" are increasing tremendously, so I guess someone is watching and reading.  I hope the people that click on my link are the people Jesus has carefully orchestrated to find it, no matter where you are in this big world.

I am only the vessel.  And I blog to help myself heal.  If Jesus uses my words to help you, all the praise and glory goes only to Him.

This has been an eventful 14 days for me.  I have gone from a breakup with hurt and grief and anger to a small bit of healing and hope and restoration to praying for the person that hurt me and for their eventual growth and healing as well.

Remember this:  When people hurt us, it is usually because they have been hurt first and are just lashing out at us.  I know that's what happened to me, but in that hurt, the lashing out was deeper and more hurtful than it should have been.

So, I turned here and to my walk with God.  It is so easy to move away from God when you are busy working and tending to all the other things in life that keep us so busy.  Taking time out to study God's Word, share your thoughts with Him, and pray really helps do so many things:

• It heals your heart a tad bit quicker.
• It grants you wisdom.
• It allows you to see God at work.

In the last 14 days, my prayers shifted.  Yesterday, I laid down in bed and started to pray FOR the person that hurt me.  I had prayed FOR this person before, but somehow it was different yesterday.  I always prayed for Jesus to grant this person maturity, growth, and wisdom.  To grant this person the confidence and capability to lead.

But yesterday, the devil tried to sneak into my prayer and whispered in my ear, "But what does his Mom and Sister think of you?" "What has he told them?" "You need to defend yourself!"  As I laid there, praying for my person, I saw Jesus on the Cross in my mind.

He said, "I did not defend myself, although I could have called a thousand angels to my defense."  "You need to remain still and quiet.  Do nothing."

So I did and I have.  Listen - you can't fix everyone, and you can't make everyone believe you are not less than or not mean or not selfish, as you may have been portrayed.  That's not your job.  Our job is to stick to the Cross, kneeling before an Almighty God, bringing all our thoughts before Him - all our hurts - our tears - our anger - and every other emotion.  He is ready.  His yoke is light.  Give him the burden and the reins.  Let Jesus carry you.

I love this prayer from my devotion this morning.  It so encapsulates my feelings:

"Father in the name of Jesus, I pray for my person's mind.  Your Word says to let this mind be in us which is also in you.

My person's mind has been impacted by his past in some way or another. It is impeding on his ability to love and serve you and to love me as your Word commands.  I pray that every irrational and distorted thought pattern be broken off his mind.  I pray every hurt and pain he has experienced, whether by others or self-inflicted, that he can offer forgiveness and be restored within himself.

For every unfortunate experience my person has endured, I pray that the effects of those experiences no longer dominate his mind, emotions, or will.  I pray that his mind is completely healed and restored. I pray that his mind is renewed by the blood of Jesus so he may be free to serve you and to love others.  In Jesus' name.  Amen."

I don't know if my person will ever be able to accept my apology.  I don't know if they will ever be able to extend their hand out to forgive me.  It's been 14 days and nothing but a lot of silence or replying briefly to a message I may have sent here and there.

But I know God has helped me so much these past 14 days.  I have grown, I have received phone calls and messages from people I never expected, and I have been surrounded by the love of God in ways I can never explain.

Lysa TerKeurst says this, "The disappointment that is exhausting and frustrating you? It holds the potential for so much good. But we’ll only see it as good if we trust the heart of the Giver.  You see, disappointment can be a gift from God that feels nothing like a gift at all.  But disappointment isn’t proof that God is withholding good things from us. Sometimes it’s His way of leading us Home."

Wow.  Disappointment in others and our circumstances can be a gift from God to lead us HOME.  How utterly beautiful is that?

She wraps it up like this, "...rest assured, our God loves us and is with us, even in this. He really does have everything worked out. And His plans are good even when circumstances don’t feel good."

Amen.

Keep moving forward.  Keep praying.  I am going to do that.  My hurt is far from healed.  My holiday today is immensely different than it could have been had the heart of God been offered when I failed 14 days ago.  But the blame ultimately rests on me for the falling and fail, no matter what the origin of the fail was.

I did as God's Word instructed - I apologized and asked for forgiveness, but I cannot control anyone else's actions, feelings, or thoughts.  Prayer time the last few days has shown me that it is best to rest at the foot of the Cross and let Jesus handle my life and those surrounding me.  

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone reading this.  I am thankful today for girlfriends, new friends, and old friends that speak wise counsel, listen patiently, and love earnestly.  I am thankful for a gathering today that encompasses all the people I love.  I rest in their presence today and give thanks for gifts of each of them in my life.

I hope your home and heart are filled with love as well.

A New Day

 

Good morning my friends.

Today is not a good day mentally for me, so I will try and keep this a bit more inspirational and positive for all.

Life is always about ups and downs, and I guess today is just my down day.  Hoping that changes as the day goes on.

I came across the verse above doing one of my Bible studies this morning, and I thought, "How appropriate."

That's sort of been the story of my life the last ten days.  I thought I'd be overpowered, but one came along and then another and then still more.  My "cord of three" was not "quickly broken."

I still have my moments, like this morning.  A little down in the dumps, as the devil has his way with me and my mind wonders.  I'm trying to gain (or regain) composure to accomplish a few things while I have this "empty" day in front of me.

But God has reminded me this morning, by private messages from friends and text messages from family, that those surrounding me are fighting battles far greater and significant than mine.  A wife that has lost her husband; a husband who is fighting for his life; a daughter separated from her sick Mother by an abusive Father; a sick family member; and the list goes on.

Humbled by my own cord of three strands, but I can't be focused on me.  There are others that need me to focus on them.  God will heal my heart and restoration will come either from outside or from within.  I've spent too much time this morning letting evil overtake my mind.

And with that, let me shift gears for a second.  A sweet neighbor friend of mine shared a new Bible study with me called, "Carving out Quiet."  If you know me intimately and not as the loud and often big-mouthed Italian, you know I am an introvert.  I shared this post on fb, but then I removed it.  Figured it was all better said here than there.  Not many people grace this blog, so I feel it is a safer place rather than littering my social media feed with my ramblings.  😀

I struggle with what some might called low-grade anxiety.  I work in a nontraditional high school, and many of our students are HIGH-anxiety.  I don't possess anything like they do, but I do have some tendencies of anxiety that will cripple me if played out just right.

I've always had them.  I was a shy child, born to an extrovert Father.  It wreaked havoc on our relationship.  My Mother, on the other hand, was an extreme introvert, and it ruined their marriage.  I've tried hard to work on it and hide it.  I do pretty well with it I think - but like I just said, sometimes, if all the factors combine just right, it cripples me.  Here's the perfect example...

Rewind to about two weeks ago.  I was scheduled to attend my Partner's high school reunion.  He very specifically asked me if I wanted to go.  I said yes.  How could I not go?  What would it look like to all my friends and family if I didn't go and support him?  In my mind, they would all ask these questions and they would all go to support their own spouses and/or partners.  I also thought about how wonderfully supportive my own Partner had been throughout our relationship, and how could I not return that favor?  (To be fair, my Partner is an extreme extrovert, like my Father.  A personality I don't really understand or can transform into easily.)  So, I said yes.  I'd go to his high school reunion.

Fast forward to the day of the reunion.  I had no idea where it was, how many people were going to be there, or at what time it was.  Only the day.  And on that specific weekend, I ended up being under a lot of pressure for travel quote deadlines - one being my nephew's honeymoon - and he was texting me trying to find out what I had for him and his fiancée.  I was feeling a lot of pressure and sinking fast.

In my head, my memories were swirling back to my own high school reunion (the last one I attended) where there were 100s of people.  I remembered my spouse, at the time, standing in a corner or sitting off behind me as I laughed and talked with old friends he didn't know.  I absolutely cringe now when I see those pictures or look back.  I was so young, and I had zero empathy for him and that feeling.  Who was I?  Why did I do that?  Thank goodness for change, but I am so disappointed and embarrassed by my old self and what I did to him.

I took those feelings and those memories and put it on my Partner's high school reunion I needed to attend that weekend.  My reunion was just one class; his was going to be THREE!  My mind starting sinking, "I can't do it.  I can't do it.  I have so much pressure on me from Clients waiting on me; I won't know anyone; I will be by myself in a corner or 'fake laughing' to all their old stories."  So, I kept sinking until I sank.  I sent my Partner the money he paid for my ticket and a quick text saying I couldn't do it.  I just couldn't do people that weekend.

When you have anxiety, of any level, it is so much easier to just shrink back, lock yourself away into quiet, calm down, and regroup - regain the control your body and mind require to stay "in one piece." Forcing yourself into the situation you're dreading seems like a death sentence, even though you might arrive at your destination with the fear and anxiety melting away.

If you don't have anxiety on any kind of level, you will never understand these kind of stories or the weight they carry.  If you are an extrovert going head strong directly into every unknown, you can't know the feeling.  I'm not here to decide what is right and what is wrong.  I am just here to document and share the journey.

In that vein - I am sharing the Bible study my sweet neighbor sent me.  If you are interested in the Bible study, "Carving out the Quiet," click here.

I received my first Bible study email, and I love this paragraph it.  It resonates with me, and I feel like there is healing.  Healing in transparency, healing in admitting you fail and sometimes fall, and hope for climbing up those ladders and right out of your valley:

"Can I tell you something right up front? I'm an introvert, and because of that, one of my biggest challenges is the noise level in my home. I highly value my people, but I also highly value peace and quiet. It took me years to realize that introverts aren’t being selfish when they say they need time alone, time to just be quiet. Our personalities demand it. Actually, I think it’s safe to say our bodies themselves demand it. If I go too long in “on” mode I’ll start to develop a headache. It’s like my body—my very physical, biological, and spiritual makeup—starts to shut down and force me to get away."

Sound like you?  Do you need the quietness sometimes?  Do you put a high value on it?  Are you viewed as selfish?  If so, then maybe you too will resonate with this short Bible study, and maybe it will be a kickstart to healing and transparency for your life as well.

I've learned over the past ten days to be transparent with my "introvertness." I've learned we all can be mean and selfish, and while God implores us to work hard on those things in our character, we must also embrace that sometimes, those qualities can be misinterpreted.

Today, I am struggling.  Struggling with all the, "What ifs..." but I know there is hope for me and for all of us.  I can work on my shortcomings, but I can also understand how God made me and work on and embrace that as well.

It's the first day of Thanksgiving week my friends.  Pray for those coming into your path that need prayer - those that are sick; those that are mourning; and those that have loss of all kinds in their midst.  This world is going to be hard.  Things will not get easy until we hit the gates of Glory.  But, thankfully, we have a God that is so much bigger than all the hard things we face.

Together, our strands will not be broken.  It's Biblical!  Get those ropes out, join your strands together, and move forward in strength and unity!  Happy Monday my friends!