Monday, October 16, 2023

Faith of a Warrior: Shield Up!


I am praying this morning for the FAITH of a WARRIOR.  Channeling my inner Warrior Princess Mulan.

2 Chron. 20:17 says, "You will not have to fight this battle...stand firm & see the deliverance the Lord will give not be discouraged...the Lord will be with you."

God knows the Scripture & people you need when you need it.

I needed to hear these words this morning, and I needed my friends this weekend.  I sat in a Waffle House, hours away from my home, Saturday night.  It was probably around midnight.

We had all just finished watching The Blind at the Tiger Drive-In.  It was a wonderful night.  Cool breeze, clear skys, and bright, shiny stars.  Good girlfriends, good food, and a wonderful message tucked inside a great movie.

If you haven't seen The Blind - the story of Phil & Kay Robinson, I suggest you see it at some point - either while it is in the theaters or when it hits the home streaming market.  It is a powerful testimony of a man wrestling with himself, his family, and most importantly - God.  It was wonderful seeing God work so powerfully in a man's life.

I watched the scenes when Phil hit rock bottom, and I remember thinking, "Let's look at this from God's point of view."  It was hard to watch, but it was much harder for the Robinson family to live through at the time.

GOD watched Phil Robertson's life tenderly because He knew Phil needed to experience hitting rock bottom in order to become pliable.  To become available to God so he could be formed into the man God called him to be.

God calls our men to be hunters.  Leaders.

Sometimes, we get lost in ourselves and forget the natural roles God has called us to.  Phil Robertson, despite all the ugliness and abuse, heard God and listened.  He stood up, "brushed himself off," and led his family back to the Cross. Back to repentance, back to a place of asking for forgiveness, and back to love.  God took a sinful man who had led his family to a place of brokenness and ruin and transformed him into a new creation.  A redeemed man who could then assume the natural role God created him for - leader, loving husband, and joyful follower of Christ.

Go see the movie.  Your life will be changed from it.  It is a powerful story.

But back to the Waffle House at midnight...

As our little group sat together inside that grill-side booth talking to our waitress and listening to her story, we slowly sipped our coffees and shared our lives with each other.  Old friends, new friends.  All of us sharing stories and life.

At one point during the conversation, one of my oldest and dearest friends crossed her arms, looked me straight in the eye, and said, "You are enough. You've said this before.  [Your partner] is the one who is not enough.  It's time to fish or cut bait. Even if you get engaged, the same cycle is going to go on another five years."

I knew she was right, but - my heart.  How do you so clearly see and stand by someone you love while watching them destroy your relationship with allegiances and foundations laid elsewhere?  It's been a long road, and I have grown weary of the battle.

Over the years, I had begun to shut down and withdraw as my talks and the sharing of my feelings fell upon deaf ears.  The cycle kept repeating itself.  I was never enough.  I was not a catalyst of change for my partner.

My hands felt (and still feel) tied.  What more could I say to anyone?  The talks never led to any real change.  I felt, and began to believe, I was not enough.

I began to pray and share my hurt with God, although He had already seen my heart daily.  Outside of prayer, I had only shared my feelings with one close friend.

Today, I am tired of feeling I am not enough.  I am tired of leading.  I'm tired of being the provider.  At some point in our relationships, we have to remember the natural roles God and Scripture have called us into.

It is not a woman's natural role to be the leader and provider.  It is our role to ultimately fall behind the man we love as he leads the relationship.

I was not getting that, and my relationship with my Partner over the past five years had begun to wear thin and exhaust me.  His allegiances and commitments continued to lie elsewhere with me getting the leftover scraps.  I was finally breaking.

This morning, the Spirit gently reminded me how lucky I am to have best friends - old and new - alongside trained coworkers who kept reinstating the words, "You are enough."

I surely do not feel that way 100% of the time. I still struggle daily with feeling less than and not enough.

Last night, as I laid down to sleep, I began to pray.  I heard the Spirit quietly whisper in His familiar still, small voice, "You are enough.  It's not your partner who is not enough.  He is.  It is the relationship that is not enough for you."

I felt a calming peace, that had alluded me most of the day, as I drifted off to sleep.  "Thank you Jesus for your words and for the peace you have just granted me."

Let me be clear - I do love my partner dearly; he is a good man.  I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else.

However, I also recognize that the choices he has made over the last five years have led to me feeling I am not enough.  God and Scripture tell me I am enough.  So shields up.  I'm not buying the devil's lies anymore.

It is not me who is not enough.  It is the relationship my partner has created in putting others and situations before me that is not enough.  Satan, you will not win this battle in devaluing me.  I am a Child of God, and I will rightfully claim that!

I woke up this morning to the Words, "You will not have to fight this battle...stand firm & see the deliverance the Lord will give not be discouraged...the Lord will be with you."

Thank you Jesus.  I am still struggling, but I hear you.

I will keep taking baby steps toward healing.  I will eventually wholly believe I am enough.  I will accept that as women, we need the natural order of how You created us in relation to the men in our lives.  We need our men to lead our relationships and put us first.  Without that natural order of Scripture, we will break.  You did not create us to be any other way.

I am sitting still, and I am listening.  I am channeling my Warrior Princess Mulan.  

Thank you Jesus for the constant encouragement and support though these crazy up and down days.  I love you.  I am committed to making myself, my inner circle, and this world a better place through you and for you.

Matthew 6:33, "But seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given unto you."


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