Yesterday, I started out my writing saying I was waiting for God to speak.
Today, I think I have heard Him whispering.
The last two weeks have been tough; I won't lie. I had to step away from a relationship because the cycle was repeating again, and after a year of broken promises, I was feeling deflated and empty. I needed time to think and pray.
Days turned into weeks, and here I am wondering who I am, what I have done with my life, and why I am not enough.
Last night, I attended our church's first ever Worship and Prayer Service. I was on edge. I needed some answers. I think this is maybe the first time in my life I have seriously felt like I don't have the answers.
My prayers are always like this, "Lord, you know my heart. I don't even know what to say. I don't know what the next step is. I don't know what to say or what to think. I am just an empty heap of nothing right now."
It's funny how life can do that to you sometimes.
As the worship service began last night, my girlfriend who had gone with me stayed close. I have never been so unsure of anything in my life. It's not my personality or character.
Songs sang touched me. I tried to hold back the tears, but they came anyway. Service moved along, and the Pastor asked us to form into small groups of four to discuss some questions he had put up on the sanctuary screens. My girlfriend and I sat still. Neither one of us are good at reaching out or sharing ourselves with strangers.
It was just too much for me at that moment in time. We didn't move; we stayed in our seats and talked between us. No one reached out to us, nor did we reach out to anyone around us. Maybe that's how God wanted it. I don't know.
As the music started again, the Pastor began to talk about the stage becoming an Altar of prayer. He encouraged us to come to the Altar to pray, and not alone - but with a spouse or a family member or even with a friend.
I have always loved a good Altar call; I think it's a very special time in a church service and have always missed the newer and more contemporary churches no longer including an Altar call as part of their services. I was glad to see our Pastor offering this. But my mind was racing.
Should I go? COULD I go? I wasn't sure I could make myself go up there. I needed to go, but the people I was struggling with were also in this service, and I was paralyzed.
In the end, as my friend and I watched a crowd of people approach the Altar, it was too emotional for me, and I asked her if we could leave, slip out the back.
Anyone that knows me, knows I am strong supporter of not slipping out of a church service early, especially during an Altar call or last song. So for me to leave like that, you had to realize I was extremely emotional at that moment.
Fast forward to this morning. Woke up early, went through the normal and usual morning activities, and sat down to journal.
I opened up my journal only to discover that what I needed to pour out on paper from my heart this morning were exactly the same things I poured out 11 months ago to the day today. Wow. Mind blown moment here.
I started to read through last year's entries. All the same feelings. All the same thoughts. All the same words.
So here I was again. Same cycle. Same hurt. Same broken promise. I still was not enough.
I journaled anyway. I needed to empty myself out before God and get all my thoughts taken captive. I needed to present them before God's throne so I could attempt to move ahead.
Fast forward with me again, one more time to see how good our God is! - I arrived, as usual, to my job this morning (a local high school). I was immediately greeted by a student that meets me every morning. He helps me unload my car if I have heavy items or sometimes we just catch up. Often times, the kids come in for coffee and snacks before they head to class.
This morning was different.
He came in my office, sat down in the chair in front of my desk, and proceeded to tell me about his life. For 15 min. straight.
I discovered his life had not been easy. It was riddled with abusive parents, family drug use, and an endless history of moving around the country...and he's not even 18 yet! I began to hear God whispering to me.
A little while later, my Principal came into my office and told me about another Principal in the County whose Father had just passed away. I heard God whispering to me again.
...and still shortly after that, a co-worker came into my office and told me about worldwide events that might possibly be happening soon. I heard God again.
In a world where there is so much heartbreak and hurt, sadness and death, violence and hate, I knew my "problem" wasn't really a "problem." Others all around me were suffering much greater things.
I heard God say, "You are enough!" The same sweet words my friend had emphatically said to me last night when I had to leave the worship service because I was too overcome with emotion.
"YOU ARE ENOUGH."
Honestly, I still don't feel strong and stable. I am so disappointed in myself for letting this happen again; I feel like a failure. In relationships, both individuals have to be 100% "in." I was all in, but I still feel I wasn't enough for my partner to also be 100% "in." I was not enough for the someone I believed was my person. So many different feelings, and yet, still so completely empty and puddled on the inside.
"YOU ARE ENOUGH."
Today, God whispered, "Debbie, you ARE enough."
So, I will keep pushing through the days as they come and go - highs and lows. Joy and sadness.
Maybe solid footing will remain and I will grow stronger each day. I will still keep praying for answers. I will still keep praying to have the right words to speak. And I will still keep praying for my person and that maybe someday someone (maybe even me) will be enough for him.
Thank you Lord for your gentle whispers this morning. I do hear you. Thank you for repeating what my friend tried to convince me of last night, "You ARE enough."
My prayer this morning is this - if you are not feeing YOU are enough in this world, listen intently. Pray intently. God IS listening. He is also reaching out, and He IS speaking!
Than I am right now
Wasn't holding You up
So, there's nothing I can do
To let You down
Doesn't take a trophy
To make You proud
I'll never be more loved
Than I am right now (oh)
Going through a storm (yeah)
But I won't go down
I hear Your voice carried
In the rhythm of the wind
To call me out
You would cross an ocean
So, I wouldn't drown
You've never been closer
Than You are right now
(Let's sing it out y'all)
Jireh, You are enough
Jireh, You are enough
And I will be content
(Even in it)
In every circumstance
(You are) Jireh, (You are) You are enough
Forever enough
Always enough
More than enough
Forever enough
Always enough
More than Enough
I don't wanna forget
How I feel right now
On the Mountain Top
I can see so clear what it's all about
Stay by my side
When the Sun goes down
Don't wanna forget
How I feel right now
(Jireh)
Jireh, (You are) You are enough
(You are) Jireh, (You are)
You are enough (So I will be)
I will be content
In every circumstance
Jireh, (He is always enough)
You are enough
Forever enough
Always enough
More than Enough
Forever enough
Always enough
More than Enough
I'm already loved
I'm already chosen
I know who I am
I know what You've Spoken
I'm already loved
More than I could imagine
And that is enough
(I'm already loved)
I'm already loved
I'm already chosen
I know who I am
I know what You've Spoken
I'm already loved (More than I could imagine)
More than I could imagine (That is enough)
And that is enough (It's enough for me I'm already loved)
I'm already loved (I'm already chosen)
I'm already chosen (I know who I am)
I know who I am (I know, I know what You've Spoken)
I know what You've Spoken (I'm already loved)
I'm already loved (More than I could even fathom)
More than I could imagine (And that is enough)
And that is enough (Yes it is, Yes he knows, Yes he knows)
That is enough
That is enough
That is enough
That is enough
And that is enough
You are enough
You are enough
You are enough
So, I am enough
Jireh, You are enough
Jireh, You are enough
I will be content
In every circumstance
Jireh, You are enough
If he dresses the lilies
With beauty and splendor
How much more will he clothe you
How much more will he clothe you
If he watches over every sparrow
How much more does he Love you
How much more does he Love you
If he dresses the lilies
With beauty and splendor
How much more will he clothe you
How much more will he clothe you
If he watches over every sparrow
How much more does he Love you
How much more does he Love you
If he dresses the lilies
With beauty and splendor
How much more will he clothe you
How much more will he clothe you
If he watches over every sparrow
How much more does he Love you
How much more does he Love you
How much more does he Love you
How much more does he Love you
How much more does he Love you
How much more does he Love you
How much more does he Love you
More than you ask
Think or imagine
According to His power
Working in us
It's more than enough
More than you ask
Think or imagine
According to His power
Working in us
It's more than enough
More than you ask
Think or imagine
According to His power
Working in us
It's more than enough
More than you ask
Think or imagine
According to His power
Working in us
It's more than enough
More than you ask
Think or imagine
According to His power
Working in us
It's more than enough
It's more than enough
More than enough
More than enough (more than you know)
More than you know
Jireh, You are enough (Oh yes you are, yes you are)
Jireh, You are enough
I will be Content (even in this)
In every circumstance
Jireh, You are enough
I will be content
In every circumstance
Jireh, You are enough
No comments:
Post a Comment