Shadows and Light

 

I read this today in my morning devotional from Billy Graham:

Light and Shadow

All the masterpieces of art contain both light and shadow. A happy life is one filled not only with sunshine, but one which uses both light and shadow to produce beauty.

The greatest musicians, as a rule, are those who know how to bring song out of sadness.

Fanny Crosby, her spirit aglow with faith in Christ, saw more with her sightless eyes than most of us do with normal vision. She has given us some of the great gospel songs which cheer our hearts and lives.

In a rat-infested jail in Philippi, Paul and Silas sang their song of praise at midnight to the accompaniment of the jailer’s whip. But their patience in suffering and persecution led to the heathen warden’s conviction.

Daily Prayer:

Let my heart learn to sing when everything around me seems so dark. Give me Your grace to praise You, Lord Jesus."

Sometimes, life is just hard.

Single life is just hard.

When I was growing up, my Father used to say, "No matter what something costs, if you take care of it, it will last forever."  He was a strong man.  An Italian father in every sense of the word.

Large.  In control.  Expected perfection always.

While my brother didn't seem to be impressed by my father's tendencies, I - on the other hand - absorbed all of them.  I absorbed and was consumed by them until his last breath.

To this day, they still resonate (and cause problems) deep within me.

I take care of all my things.  My car has almost 300,000 miles on it, and I still wash and wax it regularly.  I fix it myself.  I attempted a paint job myself.  (It's not perfect and needs to be redone.)

My house is almost 25 years old.  It has rotten door frames, rotten wood on the roof, and needs a new fence.   I am working to secure financing and working two extra jobs to make these repairs.

At the same time, I am working a full-time job I love that doesn't get me home until almost 5pm.  I am attending college to earn my Bachelor's Degree.  And I am active in Christian Counseling, my local CR group, and my church's Women's Bible Study.

It is a lot.

I am tired.  And I am failing.

I've had two "breakdowns" the last two weekends.  I can't do it all myself, on the time and finances I have.  Yet, I keep going and the Lord has been more than faithful to me, my two boys, and my household.

Sometimes, it's just hard being single.

I've never been one of those girls whose main goal in life was to meet a man, get married, have kids, and stop working and depend on him for my livelihood.   I've always wanted my own dreams and aspirations and have worked hard to obtain them.

But it's hard being single.  Wouldn't it be nice to have a partner that comes alongside you to help?  Not as your leader per se, but as a true partner - allowing you to lean in when you need to.  One that speaks truth and love over you.  Prays for you and helps carry your burdens and also - well - the physical tasks that occur day to day.

I recently confided my breakdowns to a friend.  One I normally do not confide these deepest struggles with.  He left me a beautiful voicemail:

"Hello Debbie.

I knew you wouldn't be able to pick up the phone because you're at work.  But I wanted to call and tell you - I love you and I'm thinking about you; praying for you; and want to give you some bright sound first thing in the morning when you are able to listen to this voice mail.

You are a beautiful person.  You have a heart of gold.  I am so fortunate to have you as a friend and to be able to call you friend.  You mean so much to me.  I consider you a wonderful friend - one of my closest.

I love how you love my kids.  I love how you show them how much you care about them.  It means the world to me.  You are an incredible person.

I am honored to be your friend, and I am here for you any time - day or night.  It doesn't matter.  Please reach out to me at any time. You are always there for me, and I greatly appreciate that.  I love you.  Have a beautiful day." 

When I heard that message, my eyes filled with tears.  Such words of support and love.  What more could I ask for?  Words I desperately needed to hear this morning.

While I wouldn't ordinarily share personal conversations here, I use them to illustrate and circle back to Billy Graham's words above - "All the masterpieces of art contain both light and shadow. A happy life is one filled not only with sunshine, but one which uses both light and shadow to produce beauty.

I needed to read those words this morning. ALL MASTERPIECES CONTAIN BOTH LIGHT AND SHADOW.

When my life moments seem to be shadow upon shadow, God pulls back the curtain to show me His Word and that the people surrounding me love me and speak words of love and light over me.

I needed to be reassured this morning and last week. I needed to hear God's Word and words of affirmation from those I love. Sometimes, you just need a physical presence, a hug - words - phone calls, messages, whatever - to let you know you are not alone. You need your inner circle to not wait for you to ask for help but to reach out and speak words over you, pray for you, and say, "What can I help you with today? What can I physically take off your plate?"

Hey - disclaimer here - I am only speaking from my point of view. I am equally guilty of not doing the same or being there for those I love. These valleys and moments of darkness are also good reminders to us that we should be reaching out as well as wishing our loved ones would lean in.

I will end this post with the small and simple prayer Billy Graham wrapped up his message with:

"Let my heart learn to sing when everything around me seems so dark. Give me Your grace to praise You, Lord Jesus."

Amen and amen.

2 Tim 4:5, "But you - keep your head in all situations, endure hardship - do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry."

Tough Love is Super Hard

 

Sometimes, you are broken below where you thought you could go. And sometimes, you have to close a door so that God can open your window to let the sunshine back in.

It is time for me to stop waiting. I have waited for such a long time. I have felt less than and not enough over the past year. I have lowered myself to wonderings and confusions. I have been sad; I have been "depressed."

Years of being put second and not mattering enough finally broke me a few weeks ago. Sometimes, you can know you have found your life partner and love of your life and still you may not be enough for them.

Sometimes, outside circumstances are too strong for you to compete with, and you ultimately realize and come to understand that until every last outside circumstance disappears, you will always be second and never enough for your person.

When I finally broke a few weeks ago, I asked for time to think and pray. To talk to God about what I should do. I only told one person what I was doing. Before I could even return to the table, I returned home one evening to find a goodbye note, my house key, and many items gone from my home.

It was a crushing blow. I had found my person, but it was obvious that time away to think and pray had turned into a quick and cowardly exit for them. Just about proving that I was truly not enough or worth the fight. Just about proving I was not their person and all their words and promises were untruthful.

I want to thank my best girlfriends, near and far, for emphatically saying over and over again that I am enough.

I want to thank my brother for that two-hour, extremely raw conversation in which you validated my opinions and told me in very frank terms that you did not think my person was capable of making a major life change right now.

I want to thank my two boys who took time to talk to me. One helped me understand a situation and the other one called me and said, "Mom, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. That's what I have always done my whole life, and it just works out. God will take care of you. Call me if you need to talk." To have two boys that listen to their Mama is a blessing. I am so amazingly grateful to the Lord for giving them to me.

I want to thank my sweet cousin that came to visit. You just finished your own battle, but your words of wisdom and strength were just what I needed. I needed to hear you say, "He left you first. If it's meant to be, it will work out. If it's not, God has such a bigger plan for you that you cannot comprehend right now." I feel like I'm pretty in tune with God, but I needed to hear those words out loud this week.

And lastly, thank you to my wise and beautiful friend Denise. When I stood outside our church on a rainy Wednesday night, after a Worship service a few weeks ago, crying and repeating, "I am not enough," you looked me right in the eye and said, "Stop it! You are!" So characteristic of your personality, and a firmness I needed that night after feeling I didn't matter.

To my person: Tough love is SUPER hard. We all love you. We all think the world of you. But tough love is SUPER hard. You were accepted and loved unconditionally. You were given everything myself and this great big, Italian family had to offer. But, you could not keep the promises you made. I was - in the end - not enough for you. You chose to remain in place and even retreat.

Someday, you will be the man God and Scripture call you to be. You will become a great Spiritual leader, a provider, and a protector. You will overcome a foundation of insecurities childhood bullying built inside of you. I know you, and I have faith in you.

I will always love you. I will continue to pray for you in the manner I shared with my brother this morning. But for right now, the hurt of you leaving again, along with your retreat from all we have created is too deep, and I am having trouble hearing God fully. I must protect myself and be able to hear God clearly.

As my son said, "Mom, keep putting one foot in front of the other. God will take care of everything."

My family and friends will always love you as well. Everyone will miss you as part of our family with your fun and loving personality absent from family gatherings and holidays.

We will always be here, right where you left us. Living, loving, and carrying on like we always have. We can't make big life decisions for you. Only you can take the big steps. Only you can become the man God has created and called you to be.

This family only wishes the very best for you. Your time is now. I hope you see that. Never be afraid to approach any of us. We are your biggest cheerleaders.

As for me, time is marching on as the song goes. And so much time has marched by lately. I thought I'd be in a whole different situation by now - as our five-year anniversary came and went silently last week with no milestone celebration. As I walked into a movie theater last night, right past the restaurant patio where we had our first date.

Tough love is SUPER hard. Protecting your heart is super hard. But it has to be done - for everyone involved. God is good. I can't wait to see what He has in store for all our stories...

Am I Enough?

 

Yesterday, I started out my writing saying I was waiting for God to speak.

Today, I think I have heard Him whispering.

The last two weeks have been tough; I won't lie.  I had to step away from a relationship because the cycle was repeating again, and after a year of broken promises, I was feeling deflated and empty.  I needed time to think and pray.

Days turned into weeks, and here I am wondering who I am, what I have done with my life, and why I am not enough.

Last night, I attended our church's first ever Worship and Prayer Service.  I was on edge.  I needed some answers.  I think this is maybe the first time in my life I have seriously felt like I don't have the answers.

My prayers are always like this, "Lord, you know my heart.  I don't even know what to say.  I don't know what the next step is.  I don't know what to say or what to think.  I am just an empty heap of nothing right now."

It's funny how life can do that to you sometimes.

As the worship service began last night, my girlfriend who had gone with me stayed close.  I have never been so unsure of anything in my life.  It's not my personality or character.

Songs sang touched me.  I tried to hold back the tears, but they came anyway. Service moved along, and the Pastor asked us to form into small groups of four to discuss some questions he had put up on the sanctuary screens.  My girlfriend and I sat still.  Neither one of us are good at reaching out or sharing ourselves with strangers.

It was just too much for me at that moment in time.  We didn't move; we stayed in our seats and talked between us.  No one reached out to us, nor did we reach out to anyone around us.  Maybe that's how God wanted it.  I don't know.

As the music started again, the Pastor began to talk about the stage becoming an Altar of prayer.  He encouraged us to come to the Altar to pray, and not alone - but with a spouse or a family member or even with a friend.

I have always loved a good Altar call; I think it's a very special time in a church service and have always missed the newer and more contemporary churches no longer including an Altar call as part of their services.  I was glad to see our Pastor offering this.  But my mind was racing.

Should I go?  COULD I go?  I wasn't sure I could make myself go up there.  I needed to go, but the people I was struggling with were also in this service, and I was paralyzed.

In the end, as my friend and I watched a crowd of people approach the Altar, it was too emotional for me, and I asked her if we could leave, slip out the back.  

Anyone that knows me, knows I am strong supporter of not slipping out of a church service early, especially during an Altar call or last song.  So for me to leave like that, you had to realize I was extremely emotional at that moment.

Fast forward to this morning.  Woke up early, went through the normal and usual morning activities, and sat down to journal.

I opened up my journal only to discover that what I needed to pour out on paper from my heart this morning were exactly the same things I poured out 11 months ago to the day today.  Wow.  Mind blown moment here.

I started to read through last year's entries.  All the same feelings.  All the same thoughts.  All the same words.

So here I was again.  Same cycle.  Same hurt.  Same broken promise.  I still was not enough.

I journaled anyway.  I needed to empty myself out before God and get all my thoughts taken captive.  I needed to present them before God's throne so I could attempt to move ahead.

Fast forward with me again, one more time to see how good our God is! - I arrived, as usual, to my job this morning (a local high school).  I was immediately greeted by a student that meets me every morning.  He helps me unload my car if I have heavy items or sometimes we just catch up.  Often times, the kids come in for coffee and snacks before they head to class.

This morning was different.

He came in my office, sat down in the chair in front of my desk, and proceeded to tell me about his life.  For 15 min. straight.

I discovered his life had not been easy.  It was riddled with abusive parents, family drug use, and an endless history of moving around the country...and he's not even 18 yet!  I began to hear God whispering to me.

A little while later, my Principal came into my office and told me about another Principal in the County whose Father had just passed away.  I heard God whispering to me again.

...and still shortly after that, a co-worker came into my office and told me about worldwide events that might possibly be happening soon.  I heard God again.

In a world where there is so much heartbreak and hurt, sadness and death,  violence and hate, I knew my "problem" wasn't really a "problem."  Others all around me were suffering much greater things.

I heard God say, "You are enough!"  The same sweet words my friend had emphatically said to me last night when I had to leave the worship service because I was too overcome with emotion.

"YOU ARE ENOUGH."

Honestly, I still don't feel strong and stable.  I am so disappointed in myself for letting this happen again; I feel like a failure.  In relationships, both individuals have to be 100% "in." I was all in, but I still feel I wasn't enough for my partner to also be 100% "in."  I was not enough for the someone I believed was my person.  So many different feelings, and yet, still so completely empty and puddled on the inside.

"YOU ARE ENOUGH."

Today, God whispered, "Debbie, you ARE enough."

So, I will keep pushing through the days as they come and go - highs and lows.  Joy and sadness.

Maybe solid footing will remain and I will grow stronger each day.  I will still keep praying for answers.  I will still keep praying to have the right words to speak.  And I will still keep praying for my person and that maybe someday someone (maybe even me) will be enough for him.

Thank you Lord for your gentle whispers this morning.  I do hear you.  Thank you for repeating what my friend tried to convince me of last night, "You ARE enough."

My prayer this morning is this - if you are not feeing YOU are enough in this world, listen intently.  Pray intently.  God IS listening. He is also reaching out, and He IS speaking!

I'll never be more loved
Than I am right now
Wasn't holding You up
So, there's nothing I can do
To let You down
Doesn't take a trophy
To make You proud
I'll never be more loved
Than I am right now (oh)

Going through a storm (yeah)
But I won't go down
I hear Your voice carried
In the rhythm of the wind
To call me out
You would cross an ocean
So, I wouldn't drown
You've never been closer
Than You are right now
(Let's sing it out y'all)

Jireh, You are enough
Jireh, You are enough
And I will be content
(Even in it)
In every circumstance
(You are) Jireh, (You are) You are enough

Forever enough
Always enough
More than enough
Forever enough
Always enough
More than Enough

I don't wanna forget
How I feel right now
On the Mountain Top
I can see so clear what it's all about
Stay by my side
When the Sun goes down
Don't wanna forget
How I feel right now
(Jireh)

Jireh, (You are) You are enough
(You are) Jireh, (You are)
You are enough (So I will be)
I will be content
In every circumstance
Jireh, (He is always enough)
You are enough

Forever enough
Always enough
More than Enough
Forever enough
Always enough
More than Enough

I'm already loved
I'm already chosen
I know who I am
I know what You've Spoken
I'm already loved
More than I could imagine
And that is enough
(I'm already loved)

I'm already loved
I'm already chosen
I know who I am
I know what You've Spoken
I'm already loved (More than I could imagine)
More than I could imagine (That is enough)
And that is enough (It's enough for me I'm already loved)

I'm already loved (I'm already chosen)
I'm already chosen (I know who I am)
I know who I am (I know, I know what You've Spoken)
I know what You've Spoken (I'm already loved)
I'm already loved (More than I could even fathom)
More than I could imagine (And that is enough)
And that is enough (Yes it is, Yes he knows, Yes he knows)

That is enough
That is enough
That is enough
That is enough
And that is enough

You are enough
You are enough
You are enough
So, I am enough

Jireh, You are enough
Jireh, You are enough
I will be content
In every circumstance
Jireh, You are enough

If he dresses the lilies
With beauty and splendor
How much more will he clothe you
How much more will he clothe you
If he watches over every sparrow
How much more does he Love you
How much more does he Love you

If he dresses the lilies
With beauty and splendor
How much more will he clothe you
How much more will he clothe you
If he watches over every sparrow
How much more does he Love you
How much more does he Love you

If he dresses the lilies
With beauty and splendor
How much more will he clothe you
How much more will he clothe you
If he watches over every sparrow
How much more does he Love you
How much more does he Love you

How much more does he Love you
How much more does he Love you
How much more does he Love you
How much more does he Love you
How much more does he Love you

More than you ask
Think or imagine
According to His power
Working in us
It's more than enough

More than you ask
Think or imagine
According to His power
Working in us
It's more than enough

More than you ask
Think or imagine
According to His power
Working in us
It's more than enough

More than you ask
Think or imagine
According to His power
Working in us
It's more than enough

More than you ask
Think or imagine
According to His power
Working in us
It's more than enough

It's more than enough
More than enough
More than enough (more than you know)
More than you know

Jireh, You are enough (Oh yes you are, yes you are)
Jireh, You are enough
I will be Content (even in this)
In every circumstance
Jireh, You are enough
I will be content
In every circumstance
Jireh, You are enough

With God...

 

How would you finish that sentence?

I think most of us would finish it this way, "...all things are possible."  I would have always finished it that way myself, but then, I sat down to read today's devotion and this is what I learned:

"'With God, all lavish things are possible!' But if you study this verse in the original context, it actually means, 'With man, it is impossible to deny yourself. With man, it is impossible to make sacrifices. With man, it is impossible to have self-control. But with God, all sacrificial things are possible. With God, all self-control is possible.' I believe this one little shift in our thinking can make us feel empowered, instead of feeling denied. Rather than giving in to the foods we crave, we can have God’s self-control to make a completely different decision, such as a decision for health . . . a decision for renewed energy . . . a decision for confidence and peace. Most importantly, a decision that honors both our body and God!"

Lately, I've been reading and trying to learn more about eating right, nutrition, and the vitamins and minerals our bodies need to stay healthy.  In the past, I've had the opportunity to glean from doctors such as Dr. Haider, Dr. Ardis, and now, Dr. Livingood.

All three doctors focus on natural health and what our bodies need naturally to remain healthy and functioning normal, keeping sickness at bay as long as possible.  They focus on health care, not sick care, which most medical doctors have traditionally focused on.

Keeping your body filled with what it needs to not get sick in the first place.  Not filling your body up with prescriptions and foreign aids when it becomes sick.

Are these safeguards against never getting sick or diseased?  Of course not, but they will keep your body more healthy when everyone else is fighting colds or viruses.

Getting back to the three doctors I like to follow - There is one thing they all agree on & it seems simple enough - until it's not.  Sugar. Sugar is the culprit in most of our lives.  It always causes more harm than good.  It sets off a chain of reactions inside your body that lead to destruction and health issues.

(I am not a doctor, and I won't try to go into the medical explanations here.  Do some research and begin to understand what sugar does to the human body.)

Changing your lifestyle to eliminate most sugar is a hard feat. Everything we love has sugar in it.  Candy, desserts, ...even our coffee.

Speaking of coffee, this is one of the small dietary changes I have made this month.  You may have seen I added a page to this blog and an image to the sidebars.

I've recently switched to Lifeboost coffee after some investigating and digging deep.  I've also switched off creamer and to heavy cream and vanilla syrup.  That one little change a coworker shared with me years ago has helped my mornings feel SO MUCH BETTER.  You wouldn't think one little change could cause a difference, but it does.

Yet, the battle with sugar through the rest of my day rages on (as it does with most of us).  This morning, I sat down with my Lifeboost coffee and began to read through my morning devotions.  All was good until I reached the last one, and there it was, "...with man, it is impossible to make sacrifices; with man, it is impossible to have self control.  BUT, with God, all sacrificial things are possible; with God, all self-control is possible!"

And there it was.  Staring me in the face.

I can't eliminate sugar on my own.  Scripture (in it's original text) says that in my human form, I don't have the ability to make sacrifices.  But - WITH GOD - I do!

I know that this seems simple - a dietary change - but I also know that everyone that reads that Scripture has a different obstacle in their path.  Yours may be dietary or it might be physical - or it might be emotional or mental.  

Scripture still stands clear.  On our own, we lack the capability to completely sacrifice and have self-control.  But with God on our side, we gain the very traits we lack.  This is such a simple post this morning, but I had to share because it touched me right where I am!  ...and isn't that what Scripture is supposed to do?

My yoke is heavy, but with God, it can be light!  Instead of struggling constantly with sugar, I am going to shift my focus and give that burden to God. I'm going to lighten my burden and claim Scripture.

I love sugar (a.k.a. chocolate) too much to give it up 100%, but I can make small, dietary changes to get further down the road of renewed energy and health.  I am thankful this morning to a God that reaches down even into my real & everyday life, speaking to me about food and the building blocks my body needs.

No big Scripture or Spiritual revelations this morning.  Just Him meeting me where I am.

I think this will be my Scripture memorization for the week.  If you are struggling (with sugar or whatever is on your path today), let's make a promise to apply this Scripture to our lives together!  There is always VICTORY in Jesus.  Let's claim it this morning!

It's Sunday.  Let's make today count!