What to Do When You are Empty Inside

Want to know how God works?

I wrote the title to this post hours ago.  Then, I went outside for a walk.  Came back, read a little.  Got a phone call from a friend.  Now, hours later, I am back.

And instead of me pouring out my heart and soul again today, I'm just going to post what I read because this is how God works.

Last night, I lost two battles.  The first one was lost when God asked me to pray over someone very specifically.  I found out right after the prayer, we had lost the spiritual warfare battle. The devil had won.

The second one was a phone call that came later in the night with bad news.

News I had hoped would never come, and quite frankly, it was news no one in this family understands but we will have to learn to accept.  When you lose a battle, whether it is through prayer or a phone call, your heart can shatter and break into a thousand little pieces.

You may not understand why God is allowing the devil to win.  Why He would call you into spiritual warfare only to let you lose the battle?  Why He would allow you to create a family and love someone so sweetly and deeply when He knew the person would eventually slip away without any communication, commitment, or effort to salvage the family you created together?

When we lose the battles God calls us into or allows into our lives, we feel empty inside.  Broken.  Lost.  I can't begin to tell you how incredibly empty I feel right now after losing those two battles yesterday.  I am so battle weary right now!

But God.

This afternoon, God and I talked again.  It was a hot mess of a conversation.  Full of tears, crying, WHYs, and requests. I don't know how God's war with evil will end, but I do know He called me into battle last night.  He told me what specifics to pray for, and He gave me a vision to see the battle.  Yet, we still ended up losing!

Here is (finally) what I read when I came back to the computer.  I can't believe it is right in line with the title I typed hours earlier today.  Well, okay.  Maybe I can! Enjoy:

"If you’ve walked through a long season of waiting, you are probably familiar with 'almosts.' You almost found 'the one.' Your child almost had a breakthrough. You almost went into remission.

Here’s the thing about almosts: They feel good. After all, we’ve waited to feel something (besides discouragement) for so long. So we hold on to the buzzing feeling of possibility, the hope that right around the corner, our “almost” could turn into a sure thing. We allow our minds to dream and our hearts to grow attached. Almosts carry our heart sky-high when we hold tight to a specific outcome. If that outcome doesn't pan out, our heart drops from that sky-high place. After enough 'almosts,' we learn to protect our heart from skydiving because it wasn’t made for that.

'Almosts' become a teacher, helping us discover the art of hoping, teaching us to guard our hearts and put our hope in the right source. We don’t want to build walls around our heart, but we do learn to guard it. Proverbs 4:23 tells us, 'Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.'

It's not that we don't get excited or don't 'get our hopes up,' but we learn to proceed without tying our soul's worth to the outcome. We keep a restful anticipation, not an anxious anticipation. That’s the goal anyway. I’m getting better at this, but I don’t always get it right. Hope is essential in the journey, but where our hope resides is key. 'Now, Lord, what do I hope for? My hope remains in you.' Psalm 39:7.

In Mark, chapter 8:22-26, Jesus travels to Bethsaida and meets a blind man. He takes the blind man by the hand and leads him out of the village, away from the crowd. After placing a spit and mud mixture on the man’s eyes, Jesus asks the man if he sees anything. The man looks up and says, 'I see men, but they look like trees, walking.' Then Jesus laid his hands on his eyes again, and his sight was restored. For the first time in his life, the man saw everything clearly.

For a moment—we don’t know how long exactly—the man 'almost' has his sight, but not fully. I wonder how he felt during his 'almost.' Perhaps a mixture of excitement and fear, hope and possibility, a rush of emotions - and maybe a bit of disappointment, wondering if the full miracle would ever come.

The blind man let Jesus touch him once more. Jesus didn’t want the man to settle for blurry vision when He intended to bring him full clarity. What makes me pause and scratch my head is that the miracle didn’t happen instantly; it didn’t come without an 'almost.' Stories like this show us the heart of our Heavenly Father, who demonstrates that some breakthroughs don’t come instantly, they may come little by little, yard by yard.

What if we saw our 'almost' as an opportunity for us to let Jesus touch us one more time? What if instead of pushing away our desires and Jesus because of fear of disappointment, we let Jesus come closer, trusting his timing and his process? Sure, our journey hasn’t been a straight line — that’s not such a bad thing. Maybe God knows the straight line will make us flatline. The process of God pulling us away is an opportunity to experience a connection with Jesus that makes any straight-lined path pale in comparison.

Prayer:

Lord, I give you my feelings of discouragement. Even though I wish my path was a straight line, I trust that you use every winding and troubled road for your glory. Help me to trust you and to trust your timing and your plan. Help me to surrender the outcome to you and to allow you to change me from the inside out. Amen."

Don't fail to miss this part: What if we saw our 'almost' as an opportunity for us to let Jesus touch us one more time? What if instead of pushing away our desires and Jesus because of fear of disappointment, we let Jesus come closer, trusting his timing and his process?

One of the battles I lost yesterday centers around this idea precisely!  What if we let Jesus touch us just ONE MORE TIME?  What if we didn't push away those we love and have committed ourselves to because of fear of disappointment, but we let Jesus come CLOSER and trusted the process?

What have I been saying lately?  TRUST THE PROCESS, not the OUTCOME.

I love that God called me into battle yesterday.  It was an amazing God moment!  But now, he is giving me another holy moment to share. I'm not sure who needs to hear these words, but He wants you to hear this:

Let Jesus touch you ONE MORE TIME, like the blind man in our Scripture above.  Don't let fear take you away from the things you love or the PROCESS Jesus has in place for you.  The blind man could have walked away from Jesus in fear his miracle wasn't coming.  BUT - HE LET JESUS TOUCH HIM AGAIN.  And his world was transformed.  The blessing was given!

LET JESUS TOUCH YOU ONE MORE TIME.

Take your emptiness today and turn it into a place of possibility.  God is waiting for you.  He is in the business of CHANGE.  Invite Jesus into your heart.  He will forgive your sins and make you a new creation.  And then, keep going into the battles God calls you into.  If Jesus is calling you into spiritual warfare, you can be assured the WAR will be won!

"Father, thank you for the calling into battle last night. I heard you.  I received the call and obeyed.  We lost the battle, but the war belongs to you.

I am trusting your process and not the outcome.  You are a God of changing hearts and men.  I am so thankful for all the gifts you give me daily - two grown and incredibly wonderful sons; a beautiful house to wake up in every morning; warm heat on these cold December days; hot water to shower in each day; food on our table; shoes on our feet; furry family members to love us each day.  I am thankful for my two prayer partners that shower me in prayer each day and patiently listen and give advice.  I am thankful for a brother and sister-in-law who cry with me as we all try to understand the loss of a family member.  I am thankful for friends that surround me with love and comfort as I lose battles.  But most importantly, I am thankful for Jesus, your Son, who you so lovingly gave up for us, to come to Earth to die for our sins and who was then gloriously raised up on the third day to give us eternal life with you in Heaven.

You are so, so good Father.  I will lay my life at the foot of your throne.  That I may not waller in battles lost, but I will remember the war is yours.  Bring home to us those that are lost.  Like the prodigal son, let them realize the world is not their oyster and not everyone is on their side.  Let them realize where the greatest gift lives and return home.  Let us be to them as the Father was while waiting for his son when he returned.  May we never forget the goodness of God and His great, great love.  Amen."

How Did I Get Here - Grace and Strength

It's been a rough night.  Yesterday was good.  Hopeful.  But the thief came in the night, after a long day.

Something crept into my pathway that wasn't supposed to be there, and it reared its ugly head.  It got me.  The enemy got me.

I broke.  I cried.  I vented to my two best girlfriends via text.  I fell asleep crying - again.  

I hate being weak.  We all do.

I want to be STRONG.  I want to be the Italian woman my family raised me to be, and dammit, I hate when the enemy wins.  

This morning, the leftover battle is raging.  I'm struggling, but I'm hanging on.  Slowly taking baby steps, through actions, to being alone and single again.  Trying to regain the person I knew.  Let me say this - I.HATE.IT.

Are you struggling with a battle?  It's the holidays, and that makes it a not-so-much-fun time to be struggling.  By the grace of Jesus and the people surrounding me, I will make it.  Flaws and all.

Remember this - not everyone abandons you over your flaws.  Jesus loves you with your flaws and helps you climb out of your valleys and back onto solid ground.  Your family and inner circle of true friends won't abandon you over your flaws, heap them like coals on your head, or refuse to reach out to help.

Sometimes, we have to bring our flaws to daylight to fix them.  Even when we extend our hands to those in our inner circle, and that we love dearly, they will not return the favor.

That doesn't mean we are less than.  It just means some people are not capable of or do not possess what they need deep down to love, serve, and help you or those around them on an emotional or mental level when those chips are played on the proverbial table.  Their love and acts of service may only be surface-level "deep."

That doesn't lessen you.  Remember that. ❤️

Maybe these people are empty themselves and need their pitcher filled consistently. 

Maybe these people will point the finger at you to say you are selfish, mean, or nongiving - when in reality, they didn't get filled from you, and they are now turning themselves inside out - allowing that emptiness to be projected onto you - even when you may not be able to fill them because you are struggling with something yourself.

The enemy is always looking to devour and consume.

I was devoured and consumed last night.  I tried to do the devotion below last night.

I was hungry and needy for it - but God.  BUT.GOD.

God said REST.  SLEEP.  You need renewal; read in the morning.  So, I did. ❤️

As always, I hope this Ben Stuart video and reading will help you.  It was right on time for me, and I try to always share my struggles with you, in the hopes it will help someone else.

My heart hurts; it's broken.  I won't lie.

I took one step forward, allowing a person "inside" - a peek into my bubble to what cripples me, and it was met with refusal, abandonment, and a simple statement of, "I can't help you."  Ouch.

Sometimes, it is painful to realize that those we love most can't help us.

Sometimes, they are not physically - mentally - or emotionally able to reach out a hand when we are in a valley.  For plenty of reasons...

This is such a great (and important) devotion from Ben, and a gentle reminder that it's not always just life pulling or knocking us down.  It's the spiritual realm at work.

The enemy knows us all well.  He knows how we tick.  He roams the earth to and fro looking for someone to devour.

It's just my turn, and sadly, my loved one's turn as well.  (I can't help but think of my loved one as I read today's devotion...)

I can't make people change their paths or make healthier decisions.  Each person has free will and they have to be cognizant of the choices they make and the effects each decision will have.

Maybe the presence of myself in my loved one's life was not enough - or not needed.  Maybe they needed to be filled in other ways I or even my family could not provide.  Sometimes, the enemy plays his hand extremely well and this time and in this case, I've lost the hand.  The house is winning...

So I'm thankful for a God and a Jesus that love despite our (my) struggles and shortcomings.  So blessed for an army of family and friends that uplift and love well.  I am humbled, as always.

Jesus, may I always turn to you first when my heart hurts, in a valley, or struggling.  May I understand that I am not perfect and I am a sinner, saved by GRACE.  Each day, you come into my heart to renew me and give me new life.  May I never leave a loved one in a valley struggling or not know what to say or how to help.  May I always show them the GRACE you have showed me.  I want to be a better server (a gift I do not possess).  I want to be a little bit more like you each day.  Thank you Jesus - Amen.

"So, what’s our enemy’s goal?

His goal is to get us to sin — for us to take a step away from intimacy and enjoyment with God. But in order to do that, he’s got to make sin look attractive.

How does he do it? Well, let’s look at what he knows.

What he knows is you. Specifically, he knows your wiring. He knows that you have a mind and cognitive processes. He knows you have affections that you’re inclined towards and averse to certain things. And he knows you have a will, a decision-making mechanism.

He knows you have a mind, affections, and will. You’ve got a brain, you’ve got a heart, and you’ve got hands and feet, and he knows your particular tendencies. He knows your proclivities — what you’re inclined to and adverse to. He’s watched the game film on you. So how does he work?

Well, to get sin to look attractive to you, he’s got solicit thoughts to the mind to stir your affections. And when he stirs your affections, you take a step, and you move to a place you were never meant to be because the enemy knows this principle: what you think about is what you care about, and what you care about, you will chase.

Now you may say, “Ben, where are you getting this?” Well, I’m getting it from James, who says, “Each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire” (1:14 ESV).

Lured speaks of the mind’s attention, and enticed speaks of the heart’s affection, and then, when you enact the will, you sin, and you take a step in a direction you are never meant to go.

Jesus told his disciples, “Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation” (Matthew 26:41 ESV). If I know temptation always leads to sin, Jesus says draw the battle line here at temptation. If this moment leads to that moment, we need to—number one—eliminate the moment."